My Thoughts-Just Putting Them Down in Writing - Not really looking for a response
Kirstenmumof3 wrote:  I went to check on Spencer tonight. He looks so peaceful. We had a really good day today. He was happy and upbeat. We went shopping and he drove his sister crazy. We went to Super Pet and he picked out a pink jeweled collar for his cat Isabell. Every since I got her she really just took to Spencer and he just loves her. It was a perfect day, just one of those normal days. We were laughing and smiling. I looked at him so peaceful tonight and I wonder, how can he be so brave, how can he just be so happy and just be so...I don't know. It was just a really good day.
 I don't want my son to die. I worry everyday if this will be the last day we spend together. I worry about his future, about him going to school and joining his classmates. I worry that in the morning he may not wake up. And I'm scared. There is an ache inside my chest tonight, that just won't go away. I know we're supposed to live one day at a time, but I just want someone to tell me that Spencer will be okay. I want him to be healthy and live a long and happy life. I want him to go to college or unniversity. I want him to get married and have children. I want him to grow old. I want him to never have pain or suffering again.
 Why did this happen to him? What did we do wrong? Why does he have to suffer so much? He's just a little boy.
I'm feeling so sad tonight.
luvmykids replied: 
Halo42101 replied: Oh, sweetheart... you really got me crying reading this post. I just hope you know that deep down in your heart it wasn't anything any of you did wrong. Sometimes awful things like this happen and we don't know why and when we don't have an answer, it makes it even more agrivating. I don't know if you believe in God or not but I would just like to point out to you the verse I included in my signature above our Angels picture. When I was depressed the other day, I came across that verse and it blessed my heart, so I put in my signature to remind me of God's love and place of refuge in times like these. God bless you & your family, Kirsten, and please don't ever hesitate to PM if you'd like to talk more.
Bee_Kay replied: Kirsten,
This post is (for me) the most honest, raw and heartbreaking post I've ever read from you.
My heart aches because of the hurt, pain and fear that fills your every typed word.
Our hearts, thoughts, and prayers go out to you and your son every single day Kirsten.
Crystalina replied: Kristen,
Hey. I probably shouldn't even be posting here because I really don't know you very well and I know that little Spencer is a very sick boy but I don't know exactley what is wrong with him. I've been here for awhile and have only read the title of your posts and have realized that I didn't want to open any of them becuase they sounded heartbreaking and I can't stand when a kid is sick,(I'm going through a very serious illness with my niece right now). I opened this thread and I wasn't expecting it to be about Spencer but it was so I read it and I have to tell you that I have no idea what you are going through but I will pray very hard for your little boy. This post touched me where it hurts and I just wanted to tell you that. Not that my post here will help you in any way but I just wanted you to know that I will be praying for him and for your strength... for what its worth.
mummy2girls replied: Kirsten...
Reading your post i feel so sad for this is happening to you guys and poor Spencer! I have to admit that he is a VERY strong boy! He has gone through so much yet he still has a good outlook on his future. reassuring you when you are upset and sad about this ugly disease! He is defentily an amazing young man!
Kirsten I feel that God only gives us what we can handle. I used to think God hated me when i Lost jordan. I kept thinking to myself what i did wrong and what jordan did wrong for not being able to stay here on earth longer than the 17 days.. but as time went on i realized that jordan was given to me and this world for many reasons.. One to bring my family together which was in the midst of argueing and such. And he saved 2 special lives when he gave up his precious organs. I believe Spencer will be fine... he will live and give you lots of grandkids for you to love abd cherish!
I know its tough to go through the thoughts of ...will my son die? will he fight this? Will our lives be always within these hospital walls and doctor visits? Why is god choosing my child to go through this disease!!!! I know it may seem like it will never get better but it will! You are above the strongest mom i have ever become to know. To go through everything you have and to still be in so to speak one peice! You are going through a tougher battle then i did... not only do you have to be there for your sick child but you also have to be there for your daughters! if only you can be split into 3... but because you cant you have learned how to be there for each child in one way!
I wish i could be there for you! And give you one big hug! I have brought out that candle i bought when Spencer was first diagnosed with Cancer a year ago and i am goign to light it every night. And i will be praying everynight like i have. And i am serious when i say this.. if you ever need someone to vent to even if its in a not so nice way i am here I will listen and try to help you get through this tough tinme!
You go to sleep hun and just pray to god..... he is listening!!!!
martzfam27 replied: Reading your post really touched my heart I dont know your story but I feel for you... I really do. Just keep praying. You are in my thoughts
CantWait replied: Honey, I'm going to look on the side where I see some light right now, Spencer is handling this very well right now, especially in comparison to the last time. It sounds like he wants all those things you want for him, and he's ready to fight it this time. I agree that God only hands us what we can handle. I know it doesn't sound fair, and it indeed isn't, but I know that he can make it through this once again. He's going to make it through this, and because of that he's going to value and cherish life like non of us could never fully do.
Nina J replied: Spencer has touched so many lives. His strength is inspiring. It's a long, tough road to travel, and we're all praying and hoping you make it to the end safe and happy
We're always here for you
C&K*s Mommie replied:  He is going to be up all night anyways...
Kirstenmumof3 replied: I honestly wasn't looking for a response. I just needed someplace to put my thoughts out. But I guess I should have known. I just want you all to know how much all of your words mean to me. Thank You!
amymom replied:
Halo42101 replied:
booey2 replied: 
kimberley replied: oh Kirsten... my heart aches for you. it isn't fair that your brave little boy has to endure this pain but He is with you all of the time. there is power in prayer and we are all praying for your family.
coasterqueen replied:
Maddie&EthansMom replied:
punkeemunkee'smom replied: Kirsten You and Spencer and your girls and husband are in our prayers!
My2Beauties replied: Kirsten,
Words cannot express how sad I am for you and your family right now. I am so sorry that a beautiful little boy has to endure this disease and I'm so sorry that such a wonderful mother, yourself, has to endure the pain alongside with him. I know you feel his pain, all good mothers do. Please know that we are here for you and that we are praying for you. Spencer's determination and great outlook on things will help him fight this disease Kirsten, I promise it will. Your little baby boy is strong and he will make it through this. I have this feeling. Be strong and we're here if you need to talk!
BAC'sMom replied:
amynicole21 replied:
jcc64 replied: Oh Kirstin, I can't tell you how glad I am that you are speaking your fears out loud. Of course you carry them with you every day, but to give voice to them is healthy and necessary.
Your questions are to a large extent unanswerable. Why your child, or any child, should have to suffer is a question that is at the heart of much of my own spiritual confusion. I can't imagine how overwhelming it must feel when it's your own child. It's really next to impossible to make any kind of sense of the universe when children suffer.
As far as Spencer's future, all I can offer you is the experience of my brother. He is an attending physician in a pediatric intensive care unit in a major teaching hospital in NYC. Only the sickest children wind up on his unit. He has seen many children die. However, he's seen many, many more get better, one excruciating step at a time. Kids have the best chance to beat this horrible illness, and many do, but not before lots of set backs, heartache, sadness and confusion. You're in the trenches right now, Kirstin, and no one deserves to be there, but there is hope that tomorrow will be a little better than yesterday, and that's all you can hang your hat on for now. When you see Spencer having a good day, cling to that, ride it for all it's worth, and let it energize you for the inevitable down times.
I'm glad you shared your feelings with us. I really hope things get better for you guys soon
Sarah&Mackenzie replied: I really wish that I had words that would make you feel better. I am so sorry spencer and your family have to go through this. But I want you to know that I keep all of you in my constant thoughts and prayers.
MommyToAshley replied: I don't have any answers to your questions or any advice to give you. I just want you to know that you have a friend here to listen... anytime.
I will continue to do the only thing I can, and that is pray for Spencer.
*Shannon* replied: Kirsten,
I know that I don't post very often, and I don't know you, but I have read about Spencer, and this journey you and he are travelling. I just have to tell you that you, and even moreso Spencer, amaze me each and every time I read another of your posts.
I'm not a woman who prays often, I feel that I am pretty blessed, and that God has more important things to tend to than my minor issues. But I pray for you and your family every day. And I believe that God is shining through in that amazing little boy, and you. To face this illness with such bravery and strength, well it just blows me away. I pray that if ever faced with anything remotely similar, I have the strength and grace to handle it half as well. That little boy is an inspiration, as are you!
He is truly an angel on earth. Have faith Kirsten, his work here isn't done yet. People like him are here for a reason. And how blessed you are to have been chosen to be his mother!
Hang in there and draw your strength from each other. And from those people around you when you have nothing left to draw from!
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