My heart is just aching for my friend

coasterqueen wrote: My friend was due in 5 short weeks with a beautiful baby girl to be the little sister to her almost 2 year old girl. I just got a call this afternoon that she lost her baby. Just 5 weeks, I'm just aching over this. She didn't feel the baby move too much Christmas Eve and was convinced to go to the hospital. She got there and the baby had already passed on. She had to give birth to her precious angel on Christmas Day. I don't know any details as to why the baby passed away. The only thing I know is she had her regular OB appt. on Monday and everything was just fine.

I met my friend on an online BF board over a year ago. We have become very very close and this is just killing me. My doctor won't let me travel so I can't even be there with her. I feel so horrible and guilty because I can't be there. Then I think...would she want to see me? Would she want to see me as a reminder that I'm pg and she's not?

Can someone help me understand how to deal with this? How can I be there for her? I don't want to be a reminder of her loss. I talked with our other friend who has had two horrible losses and she thinks I should just write her a letter right now. She had to convince me not to come down for the services this week because I was all ready to break my doctors orders to go, but she's right and convinced me to stay home. Do I send flowers? It seems so tacky to send her flowers? I plan to call her but my other friend said maybe I should wait til after the services. Somebody, any advice, please.

ediep replied: Karen, the same thing happened to my friend 2 years ago. She was an emotional wreck and was severely depressed for a while after it happened. I had no idea what to do for her. A bunch of us ended up collecting some money an buying a plaque with the babys name on it to put on a rememberance tree at the hospital where she delivered.

SHe has since had another healthy baby!



So sorry for your friend, she will be in my thoughts and prayers

MomToMany replied: I'm so sorry for your friend. I can't even imagine the pain she is going through. I've never had anything like this happen to anyone I know, so I'm not one to give advice.

Your friend and her whole family are in my thoughts and prayers.

mummy2girls replied: OH MY!!!!!! My heart is just breaking reading that post!

With my experience... I would just call her and thats it for the time being...or yes write a letter! I had a friend that was 7 months pregnant when i lost jordan and it hurt to even think about how i lost mine and she still has hers. My brothers ex(at the time gf) was pregnant with my nephew when i lost jordan. They didnt know how to react and what to do so they forced this baby(when he was born) on me. I started to resent my nephew because of that! I wanted to deal with my loss at my own pace.

Write her a letter and let her know your there for her and if she needs to talk to give you a call. And that you understand if you cant talk at this time but will be there whenever she is ready. Let her get close to your baby at her own pace. Dont force it on her. I know you wouldnt force her but little things that you may think is ok may be very hard for her.

I was given a beautiful hand cast of my son from the hospital i lost my son at amnd that meant alot to me. So maby a plaque like edie suggested would be nice thing to do... Just let her grieve right now and she will come to you when she is ready!

Ill be praying for your friend and her family!

MommyToAshley replied: I am so sorry for your friend. I have to agree with the others... my own experience was similar. It was hard to be around other PG people and small babies. It will take some time. However, I think it is great that you want to let her know that you care and that you are there to support her. A phone call or a card/letter would be nice. And the plaque is a great idea, I would have loved something like that in honor of Joshua.

Josie83 replied: That is so horrible . . . I can't imagine how that would feel. I agree with the others, write her a letter. And if you want to send flowers, then I would - I don't think its tacky at all. Your friend is in my thoughts and prayers xxxxxx

amynicole21 replied: Karen, that breaks my heart to read. I'm so sorry to hear it. I'll be keeping your friend in my thoughts.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I agree with what everyone else has suggested. I'm so sorry for your friend. That is so heartbreaking. She and her family are in my prayers.

A&A'smommy replied: Oh hun I'm so sorry for your friend!!! I HATE hearing this it seems SO unfair and it breaks my heart, I just can't amagine what she must be feeling (((((BIG HUGS)))) to you

kit_kats_mom replied: Oh goodness. That is so sad. I don't have any advice. I doubt that there is anything right....just right from the heart KWIM?

Kirstenmumof3 replied: Karen, I'm so sorry this happened to your friend. All you can do is be there for her when she needs you. I think sending a sympathy card, letting her know that you zre there for her would be appropriate.

loveydad replied: The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name.
It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul. --- Unknown

I'm so sorry to hear this happen. It's so awful. Just be there for her. Let her know that if she wants to talk, you are there. I'm a loss of what things to do, but the others had some really good ideas. Don't worry about giving her something that will make her cry- I was given things that made me break out into tears after I lost my kiddos and I know people took it the wrong way. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be there when someone cries... It heals the soul, it really does.

One thing - if you live nearby you could see if she needs any help, I know when I was grieving it was hard for me do to ANYTHING.

In short, just BE THERE for her! I'm betting right now what she really needs is a freind.

jcc64 replied: My god, Karen, that's horrible. A few well chosen and heartfelt words go a long way, trust me. I would give her space, but let her know how badly you ache for her, and are ready to support her whenever she's ready. I also like the plaque idea. I don't know where she lives, but a tree is also a nice reminder. I planted a weeping cherry tree in my mom's backyard when my grandma passed away, and my mom can see it everytime she looks out the kitchen window. It means a lot to her.

coasterqueen replied: Thank you all for your ideas, prayers and support. I still can't seem to deal with this so I can't even imagine what she is going through. I wrote her a little letter and sent her a card with some hopefully comforting words as well as to let her know I'm hear when she needs me.

Loveydad, she lives a good 3 to 4 hours away from me and I'm not allowed to travel (doc orders) right now so it breaks my heart even worse that I can not be there. Although a part of me thinks it's probably best I'm not so I'm not a reminder, ya know.

I mentioned the plaque thing to our other friends and we'll talk about it later this week. Jeanne I LOVE the idea about the tree and it might just be what I do. We are all in the process of setting up a fund for her because her DH lost his job a while back and so she's been pregnant, with an almost 2 year old and a DH with no job. Things have been very very tough for her and this made it even worse. So we are hoping to help her financially as well as much as we can.

Again thank you for your thoughts.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
God bless her. That just breaks my heart. I think setting up a fund is a great idea. She has so many worries right now and money shouldn't be one of them. Let me know if you decide to set something up. I would like to donate.

loveydad replied: Ah, I see. I understand, I didn't think about you being pregnant. Well I did and then I didn't.

coasterqueen replied:
LOL. No biggie . Most times pg women can travel...especially only being 24 weeks but with some of the issues I've had the doc doesn't want me traveling far for now, or at least until my next sono at the end of January.

elvisfan replied: I am so sorry about your friend. It brings tears to my eyes. I couldn't stand the site of pregnant women or even little girls and only since I've now gotten pregnant have I been able to look at a baby girl without breaking down. I had some people send me sypathy cards which was very nice and make me dinner for a couple of days (as loveydad says she won't feel like doing ANYTHING!). Your friend will be in my prayers.

kimberley replied: how heartbreaking! i am so sorry for your friend! my prayers and thoughts are with her family.

DansMom replied: I've not been posting for a few days. That is so awful, I can't imagine the pain. I like the idea of a tree also. I'm so sorry for your friend.

Mommy2BAK replied: Oh thats awful. I am so sorry about your friend and her loss. I think you are a great friend for caring so much.

Their family and you are in my thoughts