Need advice - caught in middle of two friends

mysweetpeasWil&Wes wrote: A good friend is having her first baby shower this August. I will call her L. L emailed me last week to inform me that she is NOT inviting a mutual friend of ours to her shower. That person I will call D. D was MOH in L's first wedding, I was the MOH in L's second wedding. The three of us went to HS together and have been friends for years. I emailed L back telling her that D will be hurt she isn't invited, but L said "we just aren't that close anymore and I only want people there that I'm close to right now". It really doesn't make sense to me, but it's obviously not my choice and I can't talk L into inviting D (believe me, I tried). My problem is, I am still close with D and she keeps asking me about L's shower. I feel like L has left it to me to be the bearer of bad news, which to me isn't fair. D is all about etiquette when it comes to birthdays and showers. You know the type, if I invited you to my shower, you invite me to yours. So I know the news won't go over easy with her.

What do I do?? I see D at least every other week. L lives down south, so of course she feels like she is off the hook. Ughhhhh. I am an honest person and feel that it's best to just come out and tell D the truth. But I don't know what to say exactly. Another friend told me to just play dumb when the invites come out, but I just can't do that. WWYD?

Sorry that got long......

luvbug00 replied: just tell D that if she has any questions about the shower ask L. Becuase it is not your job to keep D informed of all L's life happenings. Just say u don't want to talk about it. Or you can say what i always like to say, i know you have questions about __ but it's not my place to say and the messanger ALWAYS gets shot.

good luck!

cameragirl21 replied: IDK, I would not tell D I don't think because it's not your responsibility or your choice not to invite her. If you are really close friends with her, then maybe just tell her friend to friend, so she'll know L is not really a good friend of hers at all.
Personally, I'd probably tell L that D is asking about it and that L is putting me in a really bad position so if she doesn't plan to invite her, she should let her know and not expect me to tell her. Obviously there is no un-invitation that is formal but she could send her a quick email explaining that it is just a small shower for just a few people, etc. If L doesn't do that then I suppose I'd just tell D to call L herself and ask the details and say that you don't know anything about the shower, that L hasn't told you anything or that you're busy with your kids, or whatever else and haven't had a chance to ask her yet or something to that effect.
Personally, I'd not get in the middle of this one if I could help it.
good luck with whatever happens.

holley79 replied: I would tell L she needs to tell D because it's between those two.

mckayleesmom replied: I wouldn't tell her....It's not your responsibility and L should be the one that comes clean.

my2monkeyboys replied: I agree with Jennifer.
Hope it all works out!

youngmomofone replied: I'd tell L that she has to be the one to tell D that she doesnt want her there; it's only fair.

Teesa®© replied: I totally agree with everyone. It's L's place to tell D and it's not fair to stick you in the middle.

I'd probably drop L an email and say that L obviously hadn't told D anything because D's been asking about the shower. I'd also mention that L needs to email D to inform D herself what the plans are because since it's not MY shower, then it's not my place to say anything.

Good luck with it and sorry you got put in the middle of such an awkward position

AlexsPajamaMama replied: I agree, just nicely tell L ya know you should probably tell D she isn't invited because she keeps asking me about the shower and its putting me in an uncomfortable postion.

Calimama replied:
Yep! I agree!

luvmykids replied: That really stinks for you

Has D said she's tried calling or emailing L and getting ignored? Or is she just assuming she'll hear about it from you?

It sort of sounds like if D hasn't taken the initiative to try to get ahold of L to find out for herself that D is aware of the rift too...I don't know that there is an easy way to stay out of it, I know any of my friends would bug the dickens out of me if I said "Hmmm...talk to L about it"

MoonMama replied:
Ditto.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Monica, you are right on. D does NOT make an initiative to call L at all anymore. But it does go both ways. They sortof had a falling out a couple years back. An unspoken falling out. See, both D and I have issues with L, just that she is one of those clueless friends when it comes to etiquette. You know, the type that calls only when convenient for herself. Never makes much effort to come to our baby showers, because she always has an excuse. But now that it's HER turn (to be PG), she of course wants us to be there for her. I love her dearly because of our history and I know that she just is clueless not being a mom herself (which D and I already have two kids). She will soon get it. So I am giving L a second chance to figure it out, regardless of how insensitive she was to me when it was my turn, kwim? D is not so forgiving.

There isn't an easy way to stay out of it because L told me specifically "btw, I crossed D off the shower list". Its not in my nature to ignore that I already know.

I think I will tell D friend to friend, like Jennifer said. It's what I would want if the roles were reversed. She can get mad if she wants, but hopefully she will be mature about it. I told L it would hurt D, so at least I was honest on the other side. But I know this is totally where the line is drawn between their friendship.

Thanks for the advice everyone. It helped to type it out and think over.

luvmykids replied: Good luck, both with talking to D and hopefully L coming around when she gets a clue

Kirstenmumof3 replied: First your friend should never have put you in that position! I think you should tell L to talk to D about the shower and let it hear it from her!

Boo&BugsMom replied: Quite honestly, I would tell L she needs to put her big girl pants on and get over herself. I don't know the situation, but why can't she be invited??? I'm sorry, but IMHO, "because we're not that close anymore" isn't an acceptable excuse to not invite her. It's just a party invitation, not an invitation to be a Godparent or anything. It sounds like she's still in high school. JMO. Sorry to sound harsh, but I think it's quite selfish of her, but that's JMO.

A&A'smommy replied:
I agree!!!

It wasn't right for you to be put into that situation!!!

Crystalina replied:
I agree with this as well.


With that being said, I'm not very tolerant when I'm put in a position like that. I would tell L that she has a week to tell D what's going on. Then if it hasn't happened I would nicely tell D that L just doesn't feel that close to her anymore and she's obviously scared to say something to her and she's left you in the middle, that you really don't want to get involved but she's put you in a position you didn't ask for and you feel she should know instead of wondering. D should not take it out on you and L should not blame you for finally saying something (after all, it's apparent she wants you to to make her job eaiser. ). I would not want to be in that position but at the same time I wouldn't take it either. It's not D's fault L doesn't have the guts to say something.

Good Luck.

grapfruit replied:
That is totally my new favorite phrase

Another friend of mine was telling me how she told somebody else the same thing. She said if she wanted to run her mouth, next time put her big girl pants on and come see her. (that was VERY cleaned up)