Need some discipline advice

coasterqueen wrote: I'm just about had it with my darling Kylie. I thought it was because I was pregnant that I seem to have a short fuse but each day Dh is growing an even shorter fuse so I know it's not the pregnancy.

It has taken me awhile and this is hard to admit when I strive so hard to be a good parent but a lot of the actions Kylie is expressing she has gotten from me. It's funny because I had a revelation the other day and discovered how much I act like my father. DH is always telling me that but I didn't believe it til the other day when I visited him. And now I see those patterns developing in Kylie already. Boy how I've already messed up.

Anyways, I have a tendency to raise my voice when I'm frustrated or angry. When I'm doing so I don't think I am, I feel like I'm talking but DH has reminded me that I do. I also may point a finger or have a snotty tone in my voice. I also don't deal with pressure or frustration very well and so a lot of my feelings are expressed outwardly.

Lately I've noticed Kylie doing the same. She'll point her finger at me and say "because I said so". She will sigh really loud, squeeze her fists and go "grrrrrrrrr!". She will say "Ok, ok, ok" with a snotty tone in her voice when I ask her to do something. I could go on. It's very embarassing for me to even write this because it's me admitting I've done a crappy job so far.

I know I need to change my behaviors in order for her to change hers. I'm working really hard but this pregnancy isn't helping me any.

Anyways, DH and I both are guilty of giving consequences if she doesn't do something she's told to do or whatever but we almost never follow through with them. I know we need to do this so we are trying. But how? This morning she was misbehaving and I told her she either did what I told her to do or I was turning the cartoons off. Well that didn't phase her, but I still turned them off. She didn't care.

I mean what do you do with them at this age? She just doesn't see the big deal if something is taken away from her when she does wrong. Is my child the only defiant one? If so then it is because of my behaviours

Sorry I just needed to get this out.

Kaitlin'smom replied: Karen I can relate, and your not a horrible parent we can only do what we have learned and try and look and change, its not easy. They are at that age where they are testing us and also learing at the same time. I by no means am a perfect parent and somedays I feel like a horrible mommy. I to will get very frustrated with her and rasie my voice, but I really am tring not to do that. Kaitlin is more into the fits when something does not go her way, and I will admit she probably gets her way more than she should. I am tring, but this parenting thing is new to me, she is my first born.

The only advie I can offer is try and remain clam when she is driving you batty, maybe take the time out for your self. also stick to what you want to do as far as discipline, its hard I know but if we dont work on it now who knows how much worse it will get.

You are not alone in this.

Boys r us replied: Don't beat yourself up Karen! Parenting is a HARD job!
Recently I've decided to reel in the reigns myself and get Braedon back under control! Lately he's been ruling the roost at our house and quite frankly, I'm tired of answering to a two year old and having to plan my day around his moods!

I've enlisted a number of new rules..such as..you eat what I'm cooking for dinner or one alternative item...instead of going through the endles list of options that we have available in the pantry like we normally do with him each night.

When he throws a tantrum, it's IMMEDIETE time out. basically, I've just been VERY consistant with the rules and letting him know that I am the parent and the boss, not him! It's working..slowly but surely, I see a change in his behavior!

I think no matter what you do, the key is simple, consistancy!

Alice replied: Of course you're not a bad mom!! You see a problem and you're trying to fix it-- how could you possibly be a bad mom??? What you are guilty of is being human.

As far as how to start: maybe this will help. It's a lot easier to follow through on a threat/promise if you've thought about the consequences ahead of time. So why don't you and DH sit down one night after Kylie is in bed, and decide exactly which 2 or 3 behaviors you want to start with. (It's probably much easier to make it something concrete a 3 year old can understand. "tone of voice" is a tough one, but "being fresh to mommy and daddy" is easier. Make it behavior, not attitude) Write down the behavior and the consequence. Post it on the fridge where you both can see it. I know Kylie can't read-- this is for you, not her. Think about the consequences of the behavior and try to find a tie-in. For example, if she doesn't share her toys, she can't have a playdate for a few days, since no one wants to play with someone who doesn't share... you get my drift. Throw in some positive reinforcement: if she has a good day, she gets to bake cookies or something.

Then, the next morning, sit down and explain that, now that she's a big girl, here's what will happen. Be sure not to tie it into the "you're going to be the big sister" thing; don't give her a reason to resent the new baby. (And besides, it ISN'T about the baby, it's about her) But, in addition to ABCs, big girls have to learn big girl behavior, so this is what will happen.... It may take a few days, but I bet it helps.


Good luck!!

mammag replied: I think Alice's advice was great. You are not a bad mom!!!! I am the same way. The thing is, we really do live what we learn. My mom used to yell all the time and sometimes more than yell. Though I'm no where near as bad as she was I do find myself yelling more often than I would like. I think it has to be a conscious effort every day to change. Kristen yells now too and I really need to work on this myself because otherwise the cycle will never e nd. So I thank you for having the guts to post this. You are not alone and I would bet that there are many more of us on this board as well. No parent is perfect but at least we are trying to change, right?

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Karen I could have written that post. We went through the same thing with Maddie when she was two. She has gotten better, but definetly has her moments. You sound EXACTLY like me. I, too get very frustrated. I can't handle a lot and I lose my temper and raise my voice without being aware of it. I don't lose my temper like rant and rave...I just get frustrated. When I talked to my parents or Scotty about Maddie's behaviour they always said "She is you." Your child IS a reflection of you! The first step is admitting this and realizing you need to change. You have done that and I'm proud of you for it. The next step is the hardest and that is the actual change. You will begin to see results in yourself and in Kylie and there is nothing more encouraging than that. You HAVE to stick with punishments. If you watch SuperNanny you will see that her techniques are effective and she gives LOTS of GREAT advice. Even Scotty is learning from her. Kids need discipline. They WANT discipline.

Karen, you are NOT a bad mom. You have not screwed up. Kylie is intelligent, healthy and beautiful. She just needs structure. You will get it figured out. Just stick with it (even when it is hard). Your home will be a lot more peaceful. I know a lot of times we didn't make Maddie mind b/c we were afraid of her throwing fits and crying. Most parents ARE afraid of this. We hate to see our children cry.

Alice gave some great advice. I would say as soon as she does something to give her one warning. Second time she does it, time out chair. She will sit there for 2 mins (one min per year) and after the 2 mins are up and she is calm come down to her level in a deep, calm tone (not yelling) explain to her what she has done and MAKE her apologize and hug you. Always make her apologize for what she has done. This will get her to respect you as an adult and she will also have a new understanding of what she has done wrong. Time out will give you both time to cool down and get a new perspective on things. When you talk to her and are frustrated about something she has done try to make a conscious effort to watch your tone. Be strong and effective without raising your voice or being snappy. This only makes them worse.

Sorry this got so long. I really think you are doing a great job with Kylie. Hang in there sweetie.

coasterqueen replied:
See that's the weird thing. She will willingly apologize for anything and everything. That's what makes punishing her worse. There are a lot of good ideas here though and I thank you all for that. Now I just need to implement them and stick to them.

maestra replied: I could have written that post too, especially now that Giselle is here, and Jaci has been smart enough to figure out that nursing time is the perfect time to do things she knows she is not supposed to do.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
Definetly! Maddie was the WORST when I would nurse. She would always say "You can't get me...you've got Ethan!" Made me FURIOUS! I always took the time to set Ethan down (what did he know?) and punish her for her back talk. It was only a few times of doing that and she got the message.

I also had to learn to split my time between the kids (still learning). Because a lot of the reasons Maddie acted (acts) this way is b/c she feels left out and doesn't get a lot of quality time with me. I'm always tending to Ethan b/c Maddie is so independent. I sometimes forget she needs my one on one attention, too.

A little something for you to keep in mind when Megan gets here. Let Ryan watch Megan for a couple of hours so Kylie can spend some alone time with you. She will want that.

kit_kats_mom replied: Not a bad mom Karen. You are human and frankly I think you are a great mom for realizing that you need to make a change. You've gotten some great advice already (I'm going to use a lot of it too). The only other thing I can offer is to check Dr. Sears' site. He has a lot of discipline info too. I actually have his book and the key is consistancy. With K, we've been using the count to three then you get a time out. I usually get to two and she stops whatever it is she's doing...she hates time outs.

coasterqueen replied:
I'll check out his site Cary.

I had to laugh though because we use the 123 sytem with Kylie too but she just looks at me like "you are kidding right?" when I get to three. Then she just starts counting with me.

jem0622 replied: First, go easy on yourself Mommy.

Second, consistency is important. So when you find what works, then stick to it.

Third, redirection is best for their age. If you want her to stop doing something, then don't say 'no'. Take her by the hand and lead her to doing something that is okay. A puzzle. A book read by Mommy. Playdoh. They love sensory activity. A container of dry rice or beans...or playsand. Keep a dixie cup with it. You can vaccuum(sp) up the mess and keep your sanity!

I always found that telling them the consequence was more effective...'hot hurts you' 'street bad' or 'street hurts you'. Talk at their level and tell them in this way so that they 'get it'. Otherwise you are talking over their head and that is why you get the blank stare.

HUGS

Josie83 replied: Karen the LAST thing you are is a bad parent. It is the hardest job ever and there's no rule book! i wouldn't beat yourself up over it. We haven't had too many problems with Cassie, but I think it is so important to always mean what you say and not back down. If they start thinking that what you say doesn't count for anything, then they won't listen. Also, i think you have to find a punishment that works for your child. If they love Tv, turn the TV off. If they are attention-seeking, ignore them until their bad behaviour stops, or put them in a timeout or in their room. If you have a short temper, try counting to ten before speaking to her. If you demonstrate to her how to be calm, then she should be calm too. i don't know what other advice to give you, but I hope this has helped. I hope you don't mind me sticking my nose in! And don't feel bad about it. Noone's perfect! Good luck and keep us posted! xx

ammommy replied: Karen, everyone has given great advice, but I just wanted to add my . We are going through the same stuff with Alec and boy is it frustrating! Believe it or not, her growling is pretty healthy. She is getting her frustrations out in a safe, nonviolent way. The challenge with us is to get Alec to do what is expected after he growls. What is working so far is saying something like "I know you don't want to and you are frustrated, but you need to ______". Surprisingly, he will say Okaaaayyyy in that drawn out, dramatic way and do it. Good luck and you are right. Consistancy is the key!

MommyToAshley replied: Sounds like you have already gotten some great advice, and I agree with what has already been said. Especially the part about not being so hard on yourself. You are such a loving, dedicated, and caring Mom! It is not easy, so give yourself a break once in a while!