Need some female input - A little long, sorry.

Stayathomedad wrote: Sorry to vent at y'all, but I need some feminine perspective.

My wife's business holiday party was tonight. We went and were together through much of dinner. She had to make a presentation so she left during dessert and I didn't see her again until nearly an hour later. No big deal, I chatted with the people at our table. I expected this because she is a pretty high muckety muck at her company.

Then the dancing started. After a little while we started dancing. We dance for five or six songs, then she suggested we take a break. While on the break, she started talking to someone I didn't know, so I went over and talked to a friend. The next time I looked, she was gone. I checked the dance floor and she was out there dancing...with another guy.

I waited at the edge of the dance floor to catch her eye. And waited and waited and waited. I finally got fed up and left. I went for a walk to cool off. When I came back they were still dancing. They danced together for almost an hour. Finally she came up and asked me if I wanted to dance. We danced for the last couple songs before the band closed up shop.

On the way home she asked me why I was angry. I told her I didn't appreciate being ditched. She said she went and danced with her coworker because she knows I'm not overly fond of dancing. And then she said that if I really had wanted to dance I could have come out and joined them. The situation was escalating into an arguement, so I just said forget it.

The problem is, now I can't sleep because I'm still really pissed off about it. So here's where I need input. Should I have just gone out on the dance floor and joined them? Or should she have given me some indication she wanted to dance with me? Am I being an unreasonable jerk? That's how I'm feeling and just need to know what you all think would have been the smart play? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks.

Josie83 replied: Hmm, I'm not sure how to answer this because I don't know what you're relationship's like. but I wouldn't necessarily assume the worst. I would guess that there was probably nothing in it but friendship - I have a lot of male friends and wouldn't think twice about dancing with them or talking to them for a long time. but on the other hand I know how my husband would feel if i did that, not good and he just doesn't like it. i would talk to her, explain how you're feeling and why and see what she says. Don't accuse her of anything though, that will ust make her defensive and angry. Good luck and let us know how it goes! I hope you get some other advice as I'm not very good at this sort of thing - a lot of people on this board like Tracy and Jeanne are always god at answering these sort of question xx

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I wouldn't read to much into it. I have a few male friends and have even gone for dinner with them without my DH. My DH knows that they are just friends. I think if it is bothering you, than I would talk to her about it. Let her know how you are feeling, just say that maybe next time she could just let you know what is going on before she starts dancing with this guy. Let her know how confused you are by this. If the conversation does start to turn into an arugment I would drop it and try to bring it up at another time.

Stayathomedad replied: Maybe I need to clarify. The fact that she was dancing with another guy wasn't any huge issue. I was mostly upset that I sat there and waited for her and she didn't even come ask if I wanted to dance. She just totally blew me off. The only time she came off the dance floor was to go into the bar and get a drink. I tried to reach her there but she was already gone back out onto the floor.

I've slept on this and I'm still upset that she just ditched me. That's the real irritant. I don't often enjoy dancing, but the band they had was really good and I was having a good time. For her to bail w/out even asking me whether or not I wanted to dance just makes me mad.

The more I think about it, the more it seems like a rationalization to me. Like she was looking for a reason to dance without me (I'm not a very good dancer and she is pretty good at it). I don't know. I'm probably reading too much into it, but I wanted to clarify that this is not about me trusting her to dance with someone else, but that she blew me off without even asking.

Hope this clears it up a little.

Thanks.

LAH replied: I wouldn't read to much into it either. My dh doesn't dance and doesn't care who I dance with. But, I probably would have seeked you out and signaled you to come out, but that's just me.

Did you know many people there? That is what annoys me is if I'm ditched with no one I know!


Lisa

Mommy2BAK replied: Um... I am not so good at these kind of things but I'll give you my 2 cents.
This situation sounds a little familar with me and my husband, I am the type that likes to have a good time with everyone at parties, and my husband is the opposite. He always starts to give me dirty looks if I am having fun and he isn't. I don't know if that is the case or not, but that happens to us. Just male sure that you aren't exagerating what happened because you got hurt. But on the other hand I think she should have atleast tried to include you since it was her company party.

mckayleesmom replied: Well if your wife is anything like myself, she probably didn't realize that you were in fact having a good time dancing this time. My husband also hates to dance and whenever we go out with friends he will usually hang out with his buddies while I dance. He will only join if their is another guy sniffing around (my husband has GUYDAR). I know that I am always glad his friends are there because if they arn't I would feel tense and nervous about him wanting to leave. I however, don't agree with your wife leaving you for an hour with people that she works with and you don't know too well. I would be mad if my husband did that to me. I would just say something about it and ask her to be more considerate the next time. Id make her make you your favorite dinner too...

momof2girls replied:
I have a lil bit diff of opinion, I think she should have asked you to dance, or at least said do you mind if I dance with someone else?
I can see how you would feel ditched.

Ask her if the shoe was on the other foot, it she would have been a lil p'ed off.

I dont think that dance with someone is a big deal, and since you said that is not the part you're upset about I would just tell her WHY you are upset, talk about it.
And then just put it behind you.

Good Luck

mammag replied: I'm going to have to agree with Shannon. I would have been upset and think you have every right to be. If you go to an event with someone (especially your spouse) than you at least need to check with them before ditching them for an hour to be dancing with someone else. If she had asked and you said yes that would be one thing and even then, it would be nice to check in every once in a while. I, quite honestly, think it was rude and inconsiderate.

I don't think this means that she has anything going with the particular guy but just that she probably got caught up in having fun and wasn't as considerate as she should have been. I would definitely talk to her and explain how you were feeling at the time. You shouldn't have to go to her on the dance floor, IMO, she should have come to check in with you since it was her work function.

sweethrt'smom replied: I agree that she was being highly inconsiderate. I personally will only dance with one other man besides my husband, and that is my little brother !

I would just tell your wife that it is not a trust issue, it is an issue of respect and consideration. She should of realized that you might of felt out of place to begin with and should of stayed close to you when she was not doing her presentation. Good Luck .

DansMom replied: I used to be pretty oblivious in former relationships and early on in my marriage as well. At work functions and the like, I would do my own thing, wander off and such, and often ended up in a similar tense situation at the end of the evening. The only thing you can really do and the best thing to do is express yourself clearly about what it was that bothered you, if you've identified it (sounds like you have). Especially at a work function, I imagine any spouse would feel abandoned if the other half didn't even make eye contact for more than an hour. It really leaves you fending for yourself, and yes you're a grown-up, but it's still true that it's her world and she could make more effort to include you when you're a guest there. Even if you don't want to dance, it would have been more considerate if she checked in with you every half hour.

She probably has a point on her side that you could have taken more initiative to enjoy yourself and join them. Some people get into self-fulfilling disappointments by sitting back to "test" whether the spouse will succeed or fail to do a particular thing. Oblivious or preoccupied people like me will always fail the test. My ex-SO of 12 years was a big-time tester and moper, and I was always failing his tests. In my marriage now, it really changed my pattern that DH was direct about his feelings without being accusing. I still got defensive, but the direct, non-moping approach had more lasting effect. He really taught me to be more considerate and attentive in general. I bet your wife heard you even if she was defensive. She may feel a lot of pressure in her work situation to be all things to all people and mingle and network---I am that way at work functions. Sounds like you could still do more talking---try to include supportive comments about how much you love the kind of person she is and how much you appreciate the pressure she's under at work---DH gets a lot of mileage from such praise when he's about to criticize me.

kimberley replied: well, here is my fwiw.....

if you don't like to dance and she knows this, then you can't really expect her to sit glued to a chair beside you all night just to please you. BUT on the same note, she should have at least glanced your way a few times, giving you a smile or something. she shouldn't have completely blown you off. you have every right to be upset about that, just be up front that you felt ignored and i am sure she will see that you are right.

Stayathomedad replied: Thanks for all the responses. I have pretty much decided that I'm just going to have to be more assertive from here on in. If I want to dance, or whatever, I just need to make it clear.

For the record, while I don't enjoy dancing as much as my wife, I don't actively dislike it either. And the band they had was so good that I did actually want to dance. What I got irritated about was that she just assumed I didn't want to, and didn't ask me.

The comments about moper/tester really got to me, which made me think that perhaps that was what I was doing and if so I need to rethink my approach. It's not fair to either of us to operate that way.

As for the comment about me expecting her to sit glued in a chair w/me all night, that is nowhere near reality. If she asked me if I wanted to dance and I said no, she'd have every right to go dance with whomever she pleased. The problem was that she never even asked. She just assumed and went her merry way, blowing me off for about an hour.


Anyway, thanks for the thoughts. It was good to get it off my chest so I didn't blow up at her about it. I'm still upset that it happened, but I need to put it behind me and just move on. I think, with it being the new year and all, maybe its time to make a few changes in me. ;-)

Thanks again.

G.

loveydad replied: I'm a guy but frankly I'd be a little ticked off.

gr33n3y3z replied: Well at least you figured out what you have to do for now on and thats a good thing.
I'm not much of a fast dancer unless I have a few in me But slow dancing I'm all over that.
Good luck

A&A'smommy replied: I know this is a little late and it sounds like you got it figured out, but I think you probably should have without her interupting told her how it made you feel, and then let her say a few things without you interupting. I know how hard that is though... anyway glad you got it figured out and oh yeah WELCOME I'm Jessica but if you pay attention everyone here calls me Jessy !

paradisemommy replied: well i'm a little late in replying cause i had to work all weekend but i used to be in the exact situation with my ex. i'm not a social person by nature and absolutely hate going to parties/big functions. my ex was the exact opposite and would go to every one possible. i would end up accompanying him anyways being the good dw..well, he would up and go to the bathroom and i wouldn't see him for a good hour but find him on the dance floor dancing his heart out and i would get totally ticked so i know how you feel.

i think it was highly inconsiderate of her to up and leave you and to assume you didn't want to dance and to have her dance with that other guy for AN HOUR..you have every right to be ticked. if it were me and by chance, a coworker grabbed me to go dance, i think after a couple dances, i would be looking for you and trying to catch your eye so that i could tell you to come join us or just to see what you are doing and if you were looking bored, i would go grab you and ask if you wanted to dance.

i think maybe you should just sit down and talk to her and tell her how you feel - tell her not to assume what you are feeling cause she could be wrong just like she was. i think once you tell her how you felt, then she will feel bad for her actions and then at least next time she'll be more aware of the situation..

jcc64 replied: As always, I'm a little late to the game. And as usual, I am in agreement with Tracy. But I have to say, if it was in fact an hour (maybe it just FELT that way), I too would have been pissed. As Tracy said, a spouse's job at a work function is to make sure her mate feels comfortable/included. I would never abandon dh for any extended pd of time at my work parties, particularly not to interact with a member of the opposite sex for what I think is an inappropriate length of time. I think it was pretty insensitive of her to suggest that you "join" the 2 of them- as a guy I would find that a little humiliating. She should have "checked" on you. I think you have every right to your feelings, and I suspect I would have reacted in much the same way.
Having said that, you have a responsibility to share your feelings with her without indulging too much of your jealous insecurities, no small feat. Enough time has passed by now that I'm assuming you've cooled down, but I would not suck it up and fester silently and indefintely, kwim? Get it out in the open, but do it diplomatically and un-accusingly. Hopefully she'll "get" it.
Good luck, and I think it's great to be able to converse with dads.