Need some real advice here please
lisar wrote: Okay with all this crap and me having to get a lawyer and all. What am I supposed to do if "sperm donor" comes after visitation? My lawyer said that if he came after it then the judge would grant him visitation. She is 7 today people and has never met him. Knows nothing about it. She thinks Gene is her daddy. Which he is. Any man can be a father but it takes a real man to be a Daddy. I would have to explain this all to her. I am not 100% against her not seeing him. I am all for her knowing the truth and knowing who he is and all. But I cant see myself giving a man my 7 year old daughter that she has never met. I know I could fight it and make is supervised and all but I know yall see my point. And I dont know if he will even come after visitation but with all this lawyer crap I think he might just to #@$@ me off. KWIM?
So here is my questions
What do I tell Lexi if it comes out that way if he does come after visitation?
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How do I keep my sanity and not go insane and sit out in front of his house the entire time?
stella6979 replied: Honestly, I would tell her about her biological father regardless of whether he seeks visitations or not.
gr33n3y3z replied:
You tell her the truth
Well you both made her together so he cant be all that bad for the fact that he is a dead beat dad
And your right Gene is her Daddy in more then one way and she will never forget it
lisar replied:
We plan on it. I just think she is to young right now to fully understand it all. My dh was adopted by his parents when he was 3 days old and they have told him the truth. I would never hide it from her. I just dont want to confuse her. I think she has an idea cause she has my maiden name as her last name and not like me or her dad so thats what makes her think about it. But do you see what I am saying. I just think if I tell her now it will confuse the crap out of her. So how I would tell her is what I am asking. What do I say?
moped replied: UGH I see your point - why not wait until you see if he is even going to start paying and then decide......no sense getting her stressed if nothing ever really does happen with it ya know!
I am sorry girl!
stella6979 replied:
I'm assuming she knows where babies come from and if that's the case just sit her down and explain to her that even though Gene is her Daddy, he didn't "make" her. Ask her if she has any questions (which I'm sure she will) and take it from there. Just answer all her questions truthfully and make sure she knows that it wasn't her fault and that Gene IS her Daddy. I really think the sooner you tell her the better, but that's JMO.
lovemy2 replied: Something to think about but wait it out and see what happens -
mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I really have no idea what I would do or what you should do, sorry. Just wanted to offer you some hugs. GL with your decision.
ZandersMama replied: wow thats a toughie First of all if he does go for and get visitation, I would DEFINITELY make sure they are supervised.
As for telling your daughter, I think you and DH need to sit down with her together soon and explain, because if he does push for and get it, its going to be alot for her to process at once.
punkeemunkee'smom replied: I guess I have missed a bunch but I am confused...Why the lawyers,etc. if he doesn't see her? Wouldn't it be better for your husband to just raise her as his own? Why go after the child support if he is not involved?
Ok I found your posts. Can you get him to sign away his rights?
boyohboyohboy replied:
I can honestly say, I have been in your shoes.
caleb is not my husbands biological son. he adopted him as soon as we were married, prior to that, his biological father had not seen him or wanted too.
but unlike your ex, my ex had threatened to take caleb from me, and threatened to harm caleb if he had visitation of him. he wanted to scare me out of seeking child support. and it worked. i agreed to deny child support so that there was never a chance that he would or could harm caleb.
that being said, my dh and i have discussed that some day we will tell caleb that he is not his biological son, just because finding out someday accidently seems wrong. but i agree that 7 is a really young age and it would be confusing..
if you dont have to open this door yet, i wouldnt. from the time the court rules till he actually gets to see her, you would have time to discuss it with her, and ask for a court appointed psycholgist to help with that part.
but since he has never taken an interest in her, and doesnt feel the need to work to support her, i really doubt he will ask to see her...to men like them, spending time with a child is more work then they want...
i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that he does not ask to see her.
in the end it was so worth not having the money and keeping my son away from a man who was not what i thought he was...it might be something to consider. at least you would have it as a barganing chip.
lisar replied:
Here in the state of florida a man can not just sign away his rights. I have been with the child support issue WAY before I got married or was even with him. So that was all started a long time ago. Also jsut for the adoption there is a $3000.00 filling fee with the courts not including attorney fees or name change or anything. And I do not know that "sperm donor" would be willing to do that, so if I proceed with something like that then he might come after visitation. I am not bringing up visitation to the judge and neither is my lawyer just so it wouldnt be brought up unless he brings it up. And if he does bring it up then I will cross that bridge when it gets here. Untill then I think Lexi is to young for me tell her that dh isnt her daddy. It would be confusing to her mentally. We do plan on telling her just not at this age where she cant comprehend it fully. KWIM? And I dont care if people dont like the idea of me not telling her yet. She is only 7 today.
Thanks for all the advice everyone, I really appreciate it.
punkeemunkee'smom replied:
I think you are absolutely right in not telling her! She is only a little girl and I think it would be confusing to her and not worth the heart ache at this age!
Cece00 replied: You NEED to tell her about her real father NOW, whether or not the visitation thing happens. Its not fair to hide such a secret from your child, even @ 7 yrs old. It could really be devastating to her to learn you lied to her, esp as she gets older, and she has a right to know who her real father is.
Another thing- if she thinks he is her dad, why dont you do a stepparent adoption? Then your ex wont have to pay support & your husband WILL be her legal father & you dont have to worry about the visitation issue. Everyone wins.
And yes, he could get visitation. He could get it unsupervised right away if he's good with talking, the judge might find a reason to let him. Otherwise, they will do a graduated visitation schedule with anywhere from 1-6 months of supervised visitation & then he will be able to take her on his own, overnight.
Its a very real possibility & generally when there is a situation where a man didnt want a child & the woman has it anyway & then goes after child support, there is almost ALWAYS a motion to ask for visitation. I would say 90% of the time. So you should def. be prepared for that.
Cece00 replied:
I couldnt agree more. This shouldve been talked about when she was very young.
lisar replied:
Oh and for the record if I was to tell her NOW and she wanted to meet him and see him and he doesnt want to have anything to do with her what am I supposed to do then she will feel like she isnt wanted. And any person in there right mind that puts there kids thru that on PURPOSE is crazy.
boyohboyohboy replied: i absolutely do not agree with telling her now, since you have done all the right things, by letting her know she has a different last name, and being up front with her when she asks...she is still very young and very immature to understand any of this, and could walk away wondering why her "real" father didnt want her, and might not care to even see her ..what if you tell her and then she wants to see him and starts feeling a need to know where she came from and he refuses her? thats going to affect her relationships the rest of her life..
i know......
you will tell her someday when the time is right, it will come up.
and not only that, how will it make your dh feel right now if you tell her, i am sure she has a wonderful relationship with him..
would it be possible to ask him if he does ask for visitation to ask if he would be willing to stop paying to not see her right now?
i mean in the long run it would be better then putting her thru this at 7.
a few years can mean a lot to her as far as her understanding goes.
lisar replied:
Thank you.
Cece00 replied:
Wont you have to tell her eventually anyway? And if he doesnt want a relationship then, it will still make her feel unwanted. I know it would be hard to explain to your child but I think the feeling of being lied to AND not being wanted would be worse than just not being wanted. I can understand where you are coming from, not wanting to put her through that, but I really believe honesty is the best policy in these cases, which is why I wouldve told her from very early on. There are a lot of excuses you could give her as to why she can not see her father, but with still being honest with her about who her real father is.
JMO, of course. I know you have good intentions, just wanted to give you another side of it.
momtoMegan&Alyxandria replied:
I don't know your dd, so this is a little hard to help with. I agree you need to tell her the truth. Like I said, I don't know her, but I don't think she is too young. My DH was married before and there were 2 boys born during their marriage. Due to unusal circumstances the boys were given up for adoption. Megan knew nothing about her half brothers until this past summer. It was a difficult decision to tell her without knowing if Zach (the older boy who found his mom and in turn found my DH) would want to meet her or stick around, but it was best decision. She was a little confused and upset that we had never told her, but then she got excited. I know that it is a lot different, but she took it very well. I am sure your dd will too.
holley79 replied: I have never met my biological father but my mom told me the truth as to who, what, when and how at about 6. I think you need to be honest with her. If she goes through life and you never tell her the truth and she finds it out on her own then she's going to resent you. My cousin just found out that her "dad" is not her biological father. She was very torn to have learned that she was "lied" to her entire life.
As they say, Honesty is the best policy. I had questions for my mom as I grew up and she answered them. If he comes after visitation he will most likey be granted it. If he is then you can ask for a motification to where it has to be on neutral ground.
best of luck to you.
My2Beauties replied: I'm sorry, I also think you should tell her. I think 7 is old enough to get the "gist" of what you need to tell her. Break it down in simple terms to her. I really really think you need to do this, I know people whose parents waited and they were very angry with them. That's a hurtful feeling.
lisar replied: Thanks for the advice everyone. However "I never asked if I should tell her NOW" I asked if I do have to tell her then "How do I tell her". I know my daughter and I know that if I was tell her now and he didnt want to have anything to do with her it would tear her apart. And not just for a day. If you have never been in my shoes and been thru this or went thru this when you were younger then I honeslty dont think you know how I feel on this. This is a very touchy topic for me and its nice to know that once again things have been twisted and turned into something that they arent. I know everyone is just stating there opinions and I appreciate that, but there is no need to get all pissy at me about it. We all have our own parenting skills and ways of doing things. And I respect that. But people telling me that I need to tell her NOW, again this is your opinion/advice.
And I have never lied to her, she just hasnt questioned it, and asked the right questions. And yes we do plan on telling her. The whole truth. But when I know she can understand it the best. And trully understand it and not just act like she does. And I am not gona break my kids heart on purpose thats just WRONG.
Now I know how other people feel when everything gets twisted into something its not. I have learnt my lesson and wont participate in something like that again. And those people who they are I have been talking to them in PM's about this.
mummy2girls replied: ((HUGS))
Ok to answer your question... IF the time comes and you need to tell her what you shoudl do is just sit down with her and tell her that Gene is not your biological dad that you do have another dad. Tell her that The reason you didnt tell was not the fact you wanted to keep it from her but because you love her and wanted to wait till you were old enough to understand. And tell her that you were not trying to keep her from her dad but because he didnt really show interest in being a real dad you didnt want to hurt her. Make sure she knows he didnt want to be her dad because of her but that he alot of issues and he just didnt seem like he had the responsibility to be a dad and be there for her emotionally , mentally and physically. tell her that if she wants to meet her dad that she can BUT to please remember that he may not be prepared and that its nothing to do with her but just him! Have Gene tell her he loves her like his own and would never consider her anything but a real daughter! That he loves her and would do anything for her!
I hope this helps!
moped replied:
Lisa,
I have never been in the situation, but I think you do need to wait for the time to be right etc....It would be so hard for her to learn Gene isn't her biological father and can a 7 year old understand that??? Gosh I don't know......
You know what is right for your family honey!
Cece00 replied:
I hope you dont think I was being 'pissy' towards you, I honestly was not. I know its hard to tell someone's tone over the internet, but I wasnt. I hate when ppl take things wrong & then say they arent going to post about it anymore...I think everyone was just trying to give you some help.
Good luck with the situation, I know its a tough one.
lisar replied:
Just for the record I didnt say that. Is that what you were implying?
boyohboyohboy replied: lisa, i think for the record you are doing the exact right thing...there is no way to know how to respond to something until you are in that situation. I think that you are handling it just right for your family..and no matter what anyone else says, it shouldnt make you ever doubt that you know whats best for your own child.
Cece00 replied:
No, I mustve misunderstood what you said...you had said
>>I have learnt my lesson and wont participate in something like that again.
and I thought you meant you werent going to post about it again. Sorry for the confusion.
AlexsPajamaMama replied:
I agree
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