Need some serious advice

coasterqueen wrote: I found myself caught up in family drama, I wish I wouldn't have, but need some advice. A couple of weeks ago my 14 year old cousin posted on facebook that she needs to find a place to live. I didn't know what was going on, so I posted asking her what was going on. She told me that her dad was doing weed again in the house (which I didn't even know he did that) and that he has made what she considers sexual comments to her and she was scared. I asked her what kind of comments, which she told me that of only one incident. She said she was at a party with her parents and her friend and my uncle made a comment in conversation "whatever flips your skirt". Well, I don't know about others, but that's a common statement where I live. I mean I'll say "whatever floats your boat, flips your skirt, etc" when commenting on something. So I don't believe my uncle meant that in any sexual way, but she took it that way. That's the ONLY incident she has told me about and I can go by to make a judgment. I told her that if she is scared she should be talking to her mom - that I don't believe her mom would ignore her. I also told her that Ryan and I would give her a place to live if it came to that, but to warn her that DCFS and possibly the police would get involved being that she is a minor so I wanted her think carefully about what MIGHT happen. So the next day she posted to me that she talked to her mom and her mom was sending her to her mom's friends house to live for awhile. I thought this was weird, but whatever. Well, a week later my uncle was served papers at home - a restraining order that he can't be there or contact his wife or children. So he left, confused because he had no idea what he had done wrong as he felt he didn't do anything "sexual to her".
Fast forward to today - he showed up at my door before 7 am this morning all upset. He knew I facebook with her so he wanted to know if she was ok. I didn't tell him that my cousin had made accusations or anything, because I'm not sure if it is my place. Ryan thinks I should have been honest with him. Probably should have.

I am just not sure who to believe, who is right and who is wrong or what. I know at 14 I always got creeped out by any male who looked at me - you know that hormonal thing, or maybe it was just me. So she could be taking this too far. I also found out she is cutting herself. Not only that but my aunt is bipolar and my uncle says he thinks she's off her meds and has gone crazy. I can believe a lot of things about my uncle, but don't believe he would do things like this to his daughter.

I just don't know what to do. I told my uncle he needs to talk to my dad, that I can't do much. Ryan thinks I should call my aunt, which I have left a message, and talk to her about what my cousin has told me and that I think it's possible she may be over exaggerating things (which I'm not sure, I don't know ) Ryan also said maybe I should call DCFS, but I hate doing that without knowing for sure. I don't want to mess this family up anymore than it possibly is with accusations to DCFS that might not be true, kwim?

Ugh, I feel TERRIBLE for thinking to myself I wish I would have never asked my cousin what was wrong. I just don't like being in this position. Ryan said there's not much I can do and don't stress, but I am stressing. What if he has hurt her? What if she's lying and my uncle is not guilty of this? I don't know who to believe or what to do.

ETA: I will say my cousin appears to be a little hormonal - you know teenage girl. She posts on facebook about being single, putting her phone number on there for people to text her, etc. Her picture on there shows a bit too much cleavage, etc. Things I'd die if my child was doing. So I'm wondering.....I don't know

MommyToAshley replied: I think everyone's first responsibility is to protect the child/minor. All else is secondary and can be sorted out later. If your Uncle is being falsely accused, it will come out. But, in the meantime, the authorities should act in the best interest of the minor. To me, all of her behavior sounds like either someone that has been abused or a cry for help. I see the "whatever flips your skirt" comment as harmless, but it seems like there is more to the story than just that comment that has her scared?

I think I would let the autorities sort it out and not give your Uncle any information even if you think he is innnocent. I hope everything works out.

coasterqueen replied: I do agree the minor comes first. I don't think anything serious has happened to her. A cry, maybe, yes. I just hate to ruin my uncle anymore if he's innocent, you know. The truth doesn't always come out and if/when it does....I dunno. I am going to try to talk to all parties first before contacting any authorities. If he did something to her, I know she's safe for the moment because of the restraining order. I just don't think it's all true. I hate to say it, but I feel she's gone a bit mental herself. UGH, I hate being in this position. ETA: I am also going to talk to my dad tonight and see what he thinks should be done - I don't want to overstep my boundaries with him on this without talking to him, too.

CantWait replied: No advice Karen. It's a tough situation for sure. Sorry.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: Sorry you're caught in the middle! I have to agree with Dee Dee and everything will come out in the end!

luvmykids replied: That is a tough one Although I do agree the minor and her protection come first, I also know someone who was accused of something similar and although the truth did eventually come out, it was a very long process and he was really put through the wringer in the mean time. And, even after the truth came out, he still feels like his name/reputation will always be marred by the whole thing .

I think I would talk to your dad first and see if he can talk to your uncle about what you've been told.

boyohboyohboy replied: I think Karen first you have to know this isnt something you can fix. I am sure you want to, and want to help both your cousin and uncle.
I am wondering to only because I know very little about cutting, but doesnt that in itself say something is wrong, she has the need to express herself in that way..whether its a mental illness she has or she is experiencing something she cant handle.
Maybe you can speak to the person who is investigating this and give them your opinion and the conversation you had with her?
I am sorry you are dealing with this, I am sure you feel stuck in the middle.
Praying for your family.

coasterqueen replied:
This is my problem, I don't want this to happen to him if it's not true.

I did talk to my aunt yesterday and her and the kids are getting help through Sojourn - a woman's facility for abused women/children. I have not spoke to my uncle again, yet. I did spoke to my dad and that was a mistake - he thinks this is all my fault that this has happened (don't ask me why) and said I should have never gotten involved - not our business, let them work it out themselves.

I know my cousin is safe and so I have to let them deal with it, I guess.

luvmykids replied:
I'm sorry your dad reacted that way

How did your aunt seem to you? Did she seem like she's not on her meds?

my2monkeyboys replied: I would maybe suggest taking the teenager to a psychiatrist that deals with abused kids and see what comes of that. I think the dr. would be able to figure out if the cutting is a sign of abuse or just her showing out for some other reason.
I couldn't imagine being in this situation...

coasterqueen replied:
I couldn't quite tell. She appeared like she was on her meds, by just listening to her, but my mom said she could be in her manic depressed state, so it would be hard to tell.

coasterqueen replied:
She is seeing one through Sojourn women's and children's center.

jcc64 replied: Something's not adding up with this story, Karen. "Whatever flips your skirt" does not constitute sexual abuse, but it is telling that your aunt reacted to your cousin's accusation so swiftly. On the other side, just b/c a kid is acting out, ie, cutting and acting provocatively, doesn't mean she's being sexually abused, and it is entirely possible that this is an extension of that same acting out behavior.
Idk, you don't know, the only people that can know are those involved. I don't think it's possible for you to sort this out in your position, Karen. The wheels have been set in motion, and hopefully, the truth will come out in the wash. Like Monica, I don't have complete faith that the system is foolproof--when these types of accusations get made, emotions can blind everyone to the truth, whatever that may be. I don't envy you, good luck with all of this.
Not much help, was I???

coasterqueen replied:
Nothing is adding up. There are terrible accusations on both sides and in all of this, I think the thing with my cousin is that she's a hormonal teenager that is not sure how to deal with growing up and is lashing out in terrible ways. I say this, because I remember exactly how I was and she reminds me of me. No my parents didn't do terrible things to me, but life just seemed hard, I just couldn't figure it out and I was extremely lost. So the issue with her and her cutting herself - I don't think has anything to do with her dad, but I do think she's made it out that way as an excuse - as horrible as that sounds. Living with my father was HARD, so I can understand living with my uncle could be just as equally hard and all the emotions one feels I did and can see not knowing with how to deal with all of them and do something to yourself, but never did I feel like accusing someone of something. I think both my aunt and uncle need serious help themselves, and obviously my cousin.

I, unfortunately, have woven a huge web for myself, by not telling the truth in all this situation. I did not tell my uncle what my cousin has told me because I feel like I should protect her privacy in some ways and I have not told my uncle what all my aunt has said and vice versa. So I feel even worse about all of this because I'm lying and It's stressing me out. Watch, I'm gonna end up in court over all of this, I can just feel it I feel like I have betrayed everyone in this, and I didn't even want to be involved.

luvmykids replied:
I think in light of how you're feeling you need to come clean (as much as you're comfortable) and then bow out.

I'd either tell both sides that you've spoken to the other side and do not want to be involved, or tell both sides you've gotten in further than you meant to and you will keep what either side has told you private but don't want to hear anymore, or tell both sides "This is what the other side told me, I'm outta here." At any rate, in some form or fashion, I think you DO need to make clear that you've gotten both sides of the story and are now stepping out of it.

msoulz replied: Karen, I am sorry you got mixed up in something so potentially awful. But you did so with good intentions.

If you feel the need to come clean (so to speak) then do so. I see no issue with just backing away from the situation and trying to be supportive if called upon, otherwise just be quiet and leave it alone. It sounds like everyone who should be taking care of the situation is taking care of it, and the truth is often in the eye of the beholder regardless of the situation, KWIM?

I wish you peace - you're a great person for trying to do the right thing (and again, "right" is a relative thing some times too!)