Need to vent

A&A'smommy wrote: I'm tired of thinking about this I need to get this out!

Jeremiah has a friend names walter that really needs a friend, they are a lot alike they love music, they both have anxiety problems, and a bunch of other stuf. They spend SO much time together it annoys me! Everyday Walter goes to work with him, AND on days he is off they go fishing. And when he is off I get stuck at home ALL day because it completly throws the little bit of a routine i have off (which isn't too bad because I like being lazy sometimes just not too often). Well he also smokes (no offense to anyone that does I use too) it bothers me that he does first of all it stinks, and its bad for him. I wont let him touch or breathe near alyssa until he has had a shower and brushed he teeth, heck I wont even go near him mostly because I disaproove of it! But another thing is I think the reason I get so mad at him is because I'm jealous. He gets to act like a kid while he works, and play with his friend, have guy time and not really worry about anything (his job is really easy btw especially on fridays if there isn't a wedding or family ruinion that weekend) Well while he is doing this I'm at home cleaning house or taking care of my very clingy (but wonderful) baby girl being and ADULT and a MOTHER and it kinda sucks that I don't at least get ONE day to be a kid to have friends around that WANT to be around me! Another thing that bugs me is he gets to sleep in EVERYDAY while I get up extremely tired from staying up late with our baby. I tell him I wish he would get up with her sometimes and he is just like why don't you ask and I'm thinking your her dad why should I have to ask!!!! He thinks that I should have to do EVERYTHING and basicly I'm getting to the point where I don't do anything i don't pick up his clothes to be washed so when he is out of clothes he is basicly out of luck unless he brings them downstairs and puts them in the washer. I really HATE a messy house but I get SO stressed out because Alyssa HATES for me to put her down and do stuff without her so I just basicly have to clean while I'm holding her and I CANNOT do that its too tiring and too much of a hassle so I just wait until he is home to watch her or usually I call my mom and have her watch alyssa. Anyway i feel better you don't have to respond to this because I'm not really angry just lonely and that is why I get so mad at my husband. He keeps saying we are going to do something just me and him tomorrow but I'm not getting my hopes up. thanks for reading!

5littleladies replied: Well I'm going to respond! I was in a similar situation when I first had Maddie. I was always taking care of her and Jason was able to do whatever he felt like and I resented it. It's hard being young, married and a parent. For some reason the guys don't always seem to get it as quickly as the females do. Don't get me wrong-I'm not defending your dh, he definitely needs to get his priorities straight. I just want you to know I've been in your shoes. I know you get sick of asking or even telling dh what to do but sometimes you just have to suck it up and ask anyways. I've been married for almost 8 years and my husband still needs reminding about things and it drives me crazy!! You might just need to sit down and talk to him (probably for the umpteenth time, I know) and tell him how you feel-that you are lonely and frusterated. He will figure it out, it just might take time. Hang in there!!

mummy2girls replied: Hey Jessy I am going to respond... I know exactly what you are going through. Im not as young as you but i am going through with aron the same thing. Aron stays up really late at night and then gets to sleep in till 1 in the afternoon. he can come and go as he pleases and do things with his friends all the time. I am the fulltime mom that has to stay up with jen at night if she is sick or just miserable. and then im up at 6 in the morning with her, i have to arrange my days around jens naps and such, and doing it all by muyself is hard and very tiring.(Dont get me wrong I love being a mom and i love jen!) I would call him and tell him im coming to his place at 11am every sunday and he says ill still be sleeping. I told him that when i get there he better get off his butt and spend time with her! I have to remind him all the time to help out. and if i need him for a babysitter once in a while he makes sure his mom is there to help out! HUH!!!!!! so i know it is hard hun but just keep reminding him and asking him and hopefully sooner or later he will clue in!

kit_kats_mom replied: I'm sorry that you are having to go though this. I know that my DH didn't really start helping out a lot until Katherine started really responding to him (around 8 mos). A lot of it had to do with the fact that she was so dependent on me for BFding and everything else that he kind of felt left out. Even then, he would change diapers and give me little breaks once in awhile. My one sanity saving rule is that he has total control of the kid on Thursdays from 8-11pm. That way I can watch all of my shows. Just knowing that I can count onthat time to be baby less is awesome.
Perhaps you could agree to something like that?

CantWait replied: Sweetie I know what you mean. I have the same problems here. DH goes to work, goes to the gym, comes home, has a nap, eats, falls asleep again and that's about it. My day....get up with the baby, nurse him, feed him his solids anywhere from 4-6 times a day, nurse him a few more times inbetween that, change diapers, bath him, dress him, walk him, play with him, feed the dog, let the dog out, walk the dog, and chores chores chores. We don't do anything as a family, and he doesn't play with Anthony, just sits with him on a chair. Ohhhhhh!!! It really gets pathetic. Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm with you there. I'm sorry you're going through all this too.

porksdad replied:
As a DH I kind of relate to what kitkat says, not excusing yours btw I just think there are different ways a Dh can `help' I sometimes feel left out as the bond with me is not as immediate or needy as with mummy- If porks wakes in the night she wants mummy- my hairy face scares the @@@@ out of her, if she is eating she is so busy trying to have good table manners with daddy she forgets to eat, and if it is a poo filled diaper daddy has not the stomach for it LOL.

I would say maybe--what works for us at the moment, is let daddy do stuff to help mummy so she has free time--ie not neccessarily do the baby stuff- reading up (as I do alot lol) toddlers are not really into daddy (except as a playhouse) until into their 3rd year, up to then it is all about mummy- it can be disheartening when the child you love appears to reject you and maybe he has switched off a bit because your alyssa wants mummy all the time?/

Eg-- he could cook/prepare the food- even if she wont take it from him, Laundry is tough LOL us men dont really think about laundry until we are all out of clean lol but doing the grocery shop, making the formula so it becomes a routine that daddy makes it little things like that can all add up to easing some of the stress on you- as alyssa gets older am sure he will have less choice about spending time with her because she will be the one to pursue him lol

As to mornings do what my wife does-- slip baby into room with daddy and nip off to have a break, do your email- whatever--he wont have much choice if she is lying there next to him or even worse- going through his CD collections LOL he will have to distract her or lose his possesions hahahaha--having your privates landed on from a great height can often take away any pretence of sleep

As to his friend-- tough one us men do like a bit of man time--and whilst I would always encourage it (don't get much my self) it should not be set in stone to the detriment of your family time--seems he could do with compromising on walter--maybe redcuing the frequency of their outings or just making them shorter. I am guessing walter is single and maybe `needy' by sound of your post- would guess he puts alot of pressure on your DH to spend time to LOL--so you need to handle this one carefully because Dh won't like being accused of being `underthethumb' if you won't `let' him out lol-classic single mans response to a married one- single men don't really understand the committment of marriage--it is why they are single lol- and married men often try too hard to prove they can do whatever they want so as not to `lose' single friends- dumb really- it is a man thing lol--so find constructive ways of getting him home where he belongs

not going anywhere on the smoking LOL--I am BAD BAD BAD!

kimberley replied: BTDT! i had the same problems with my ex when the boys were little. i got to the point where i HATED him because nothing in his life changed while EVERYTHING in mine did. at least Jeremiah will help if you ask him. my ex could never pull his lazy butt off the couch long enough to be useful. oops, sorry, this is your vent lol. anyways, i just wanted to say i feel your pain and i hope things get better and that you can have a nice night tonight.

A&A'smommy replied:
lol its okay its nice to know I'm not alone. I'm just SO tired of thinking, I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of having to wear my hair up ALL the time, I'm tired of noise I could go on and on... the last time I had a peaceful sleep was the night before I went to my last ob app. UGH anyway sorry for putting this on you guys!

kimberley replied: don't be sorry. you are not "putting" anything on anyone. IMO, it is really helpful to all of us who go through this stuff to know we are not alone and maybe find ways to help each other because some of our DH's are Homers! lol

once Alyssa gets a little bigger and you get more of your independence back, life will be a lot better. trust me. wishing a good night sleep to all us groggy moms!! lol

bellymonstersmama replied: It's good to know my dh isn't the only inconsiderate one out there. Sometimes they just don't see things from our view.
My suggestion would be to have Jeremiah take care of Alyssa for a day, even while you get ready. Then sleep in,go out to breakfast, to a movie, to a bookstore, on a walk, for a drive, out to lunch. but don't do chores or errands or stay at home where you will want to clean, or take over baby care, or go shopping where it will be loud or busy.
Make it a point to take some time to sit in a quiet atmosphere and sip tea slowly!!
and you don't need a friend with you to do any of these things. Save them for when you want to go out some night with the girls.
And ask your dh to clean a little while he is home.

A&A'smommy replied:
THANK YOU THANK YOU! I needed to hear this from a MANS point of view lol with the girls I'M right lol but I need that also! I ALWAYS try to encourage man time because I don't have any friends and I know how it feels to need some time with someone of the same gender lol! My poor baby has a REALLY bad allergy/sinues problem and it has him down today so I'm not expecting anything from him I'm just trying to let him get his rest and sorta taking care of him (as much as he will let me). But again thank you for giving me a mans point of view it helps SO much!

Kirstenmumof3 replied: Jess I was in a simmilar situation when my first baby was born. I did everything, cooked, cleaned, took care of the baby day and night. While he worked and went out with his friends. I had no social life at all and when I did go out I took the baby with me. Finally after my son was born I decided that it was too much and that I needed some me time. So I left one day, I told him I was going to the store. 4 hours later I came back (and I was breastfeeding)! He didn't say a word and to this day all I have to say is "I'm going out" and he watches all 3 kids, cooks, does laundry and washes the dishes. He accomplishes more than I do somedays. You need to do this, you need to just walk out. He is her father, he is an ADULT and he needs to take responsibility for her. I hope things improve. Start scheduling some ALONE time just for you.

Guest replied: I had the same problem with my dh. He couldn't handle the constant crying when our son was a newborn..he still can', the crying has just got less. In the beginning he would constantly go over to friends places to avoid being at home with us. He almost never woke during the night, and if he did, it was to change a nappy and then make me give bubba a feed (even when we went to bottles!!). as well as the non helping, he would often yell at bubba to make when he cried, which didn't help. Things are changing slowly with the three of us and he is getting better at helping both around the house and with our son. Every week or so i would give him another task to 'learn', starting with nappy's and working from there. I'm sure he hated me for it, but now he is almost capable of caring for our son by himself.
I was blessed, bubba started sleeping through the night from about two and a half months, but the best present I ever got was a night out and a sleep in for my birthday when my mom took bubba off me for the night. Missed him like crazy...but only while i was awake.