Need your honest opinions - about how much time Lexi is with me

Bee_Kay wrote: Over the past 8 nights, I've had Lexi 7 of those nights. Lacy and her BF took her on Monday night, but brought her back here early the next afternoon. They do, however visit her daily.

I need to know if I am being an enabler or if I am being a concerned grandma who is worried about Lexi's welfare. Please be honest with your answers. I am getting a mixture of advice from friends and family.

ETA - I realize that this past week, Lexi's time here has been excessive.... but based on the last month or so... I have noticed that she is brought and left here more often.

skinkybaby replied: What a tough position to be in. I'm sl glad that poor baby baby has you in her life. I wish I knew what the answer was. She needs some stability in her life- have you thought about asking if they'll sign over temporary custody of her?

luvbug00 replied: Barb I'm gonna be compleately honest. As far as i have read over the pregnancy and birth of this angel her parents have shown NO responciblity. where normaly with teen parents like myself i would say let them hack it out, but thease two leaving their child for over 7 days is UNBELIEVEABLE. I could never do that with mya even when i was 17 and had her. sure i left her for a night to go out once a week but not for 7. I personaly think if you want to and can you need to take costody of that child and save her from the heartache of her parents comming when it's convenient for them. A child isn't about convienance . I'm so sorry you have to deal with this and i hope you find a solution in the best intrest of your grandbaby.

stella6979 replied: I do agree that the parents need to grow up and be resonsible but that doesn't seem to be happening and from what I've read, it probably won't happen anytime soon. While I agree that the parents need to get their act together, the MOST important person in all of this is that little baby. She's definately lucky to have you in her life and if they aren't going to properly care for her than I say keep at it. However, if you're going to take full responsibility for her than there has to be some rules and they need to follow them. If they want to continue to act like children then that's how they should be treated.

Boo&BugsMom replied: Honestly, I think either way there are pros and cons so it's more or less a double edge sword. I'm so sorry you have to be in this tough spot. Perhaps if the parents were more responsible it would be easier, but it's not that way. I don't think I can give a valid opinion because it's such a corner to be in.

mummy2girls replied: I know you want to tae care of your grandbaby! but i thuink you should just cut back a tad and have them grow up because when you keep takiong her like you do they just wont see they have to grow up and then it just adds to thier stupidness.

PrairieMom replied: I basically voted that you are being an enabler. I think her parents are never going to grow up unless they are forced to. however, baby's well fare is #1. If you are comfortable that she is safe with her parents, then she should be with them.

I hate to say it, but remember, you weren't good enough to even speak to before that baby arrived, now i think you are WAY being taken advantage of. You already raised your family. Its time for them to do the same.

ETA: If she does need to be with you, then maybe you need to file for temporary custody. having her for 6 out of 7 days sounds like boarder line abandonment to me. even IF they are "visiting " her. Parents don't "visit" their kids. What a yucky situation to be in.

C&K*s Mommie replied: I have to agree with Tara, and say you are enabling them.

moped replied: I didn't vote because I have no idea what the anser is - but I know that the baby's welfare is most important..............so I guess that is what needs to be focused on

Kaitlin'smom replied: Well my answer is BOTH. I have been thinking about this and I am torn, while I do understand that baby needs to be cared for and your great for doing it, its not helping the parents be parents. IMO all its doing for them is letting them off the hook, and its seems mom is trying buy working and going to school but the BF is doing nothing but what he wants. Well I am sorry but being that selfish when you have a child to care for/provide for would not cut it with me. My question is what happens if you keep the things the way they are and some day it stops meaning they finally take over and that’s it your left not seeing her hardly at all. That would be hard on you not to mention her wellbeing. Also I am quite ticked they ‘visit’ her its not like she is a sister to them she is THERE child, they made the bed its time to lie in it or give her to you permanently (if your willing).

moped replied:
All excellent points DI!

Hillbilly Housewife replied: First of all - WHY is the baby at your place? You mentionned that your daughter was working now - is Lexi over because she's working and it's just better all around if the bf isn't the one to take care of her?

Or is she over because the parents are dumping her on you?

If you're watching her 7/8 nights because your daughter is working, then by all means, I'd rather you enable your daughter rather than let Lexi be mistreated...kwim? However if Lexi os over to give time to your daughter and her deadbeat bf, then I don't suggest you keep doing it.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: oh another thing... maybe you can tell them that as of now, you will watch Lexi at no cost to them when your daughter is working, but after work hours, you won't be a free sitter anymore... that you charge 5$ an hour for every hour, and 7$ an hour after 10pm or whatever...

maybe that will smarten them up after a couple days...

luvbug00 replied: Good idea Rocky!

CantWait replied:
I agree. Sorry

my2monkeyboys replied: I have 2 cousins that are just like that BF, only they are worse... druggies, alcoholics, etc. Their mom (my aunt) tried to make them be dads, but it never worked. The kids range from 13-3 (there are 5 from the oldest son, and 3 from the other son). I think you should take care of her as much as you want, and if parenting kicks in one day, then great, but if not atleast you know she's been taken care of.
Just do what you feel in your gut and heart you should do. But nothing will make either of them be parents, it's a decision they'll have to make.

sparkys2boys replied: I think this poor baby needs love and that's is what you are giving her. I would keep taking her and also let her parents know each and every time that they leave her that it is not acceptable in any sense and that they need to grow the heck up, but until they do they child needs you.

lisar replied: I tend to lean towards both. They do need to grow up but you also want to know that she is being taken care of. Sorry I am no help.

My3LilMonkeys replied: I'm really torn here.....on one hand, it is great that Lexi is getting such good care, but on the other hand I think it is teaching your daughter & bf that they don't need to be responsible for their baby.

My honest opinion here.....either 1) only watch the baby when your daughter is working and maybe once in a while for her to have a night out or 2) ask your daughter to give you custody of her.

Whatever your decision and the outcome, Lexi is lucky to have such a wonderful grandmother.

boyohboyohboy replied: I think if you are willing to be in this little angels life, which it sounds like she is going to need you for a long time....then as long as you dont feel taken advantage of, then keep watching her and caring for her. It seemed like your dgt was starting to confide in you a little more when she said that she wasnt trusting her bf, do you think you can talk to her about it with out her getting angry and then refusing to take the baby to you?
I have to say I voted to keep the baby safe.

mom2my2cuties replied: I tihnk here - it's more of a question of what is in Lexi's best interest. And above all - keeping her safe is in her best interest!

So that is how I voted as well.

Calimama replied: This is a really hard question to answer so I cant even imagine being in your place. On one hand I feel like they will never learn how to be parents and how to be responsible if you continue on the way you are doing, but on the other that little girl needs to be cared for. What do you think their reaction would be if you filed temporary custody? I'd hate for you to do that and have them react badly and not let you see Lexi anymore.

Bee_Kay replied: Thank you all SOOOOOOOO much for all your replies. After all this time I still get overwhelmed at how caring the members of this board are

Honestly, I am not surprised at all at the poll results (about 50/50). I, too, agree that it is difficult because there are pros and cons with either choice. I don't believe that Lexi is being abused.... I simply don't believe she is getting all that a baby needs.

While having Lexi here is letting them off of their responsibilities, I see first-hand just how happy she is here. The change that comes over her when she goes back to them is so obvious.

Ashley is over there visiting this evening and she called me and I could here Lexi screaming/crying in the background. Ashley quietly told me that Lexi's behavior there is so different than how she is here.

I am pulled in both directions..... while they are sidestepping their responsibilities, I know in my heart that Lexi is benefiting in ways that last a lifetime.

As far as custody, I don't believe it has gotten to that point yet (but I did hint around about it to Lacy last night). I told her that I had been thinking about approaching her about Lexi living here until they get in their feet and get their lives straightened out. She gasped and said "You mean LIVE with you?". My response was "Well, isn't that what she has been doing already?" Lacy then asked me if I thought she was a bad mom. I said "Lacy, I don't think you are a BAD mom, I believe you are a YOUNG and IMMATURE mom. Too young to have had a baby and deal with the responsibilities that go along with it. Nobody can force you to BE a mom, that is something that you have to do for yourself and it is unfortunate for Lexi that you aren't doing it..... Lexi is bonding with me now, everyone sees it... as crappy as it is that it isn't YOU.... at least she is bonding with someone that loves her so much".

So, for now, we'll see how it goes and hopefully it will all turn out for the best.... thank you again!!

coasterqueen replied: I have a lot I want to say, but I'll try to refrain. I will say this - While she may not be receiving the kind of love you can give her or think she deserves it doesn't really sound like she's being abused in any way so I tend to think you need to let the parents be responsible for her. You aren't helping anyone in this situation, even Lexi, IMO. Yes, she's bonding with you and getting tons of love, but she has a mother and is going to want to know her at some point. You also aren't helping your daughter grow up. I know myself, not being in your shoes or BTDT, I think as a mother I'd want to help my children understand what needs to be done. I can't imagine raising my daughter's child, I really can't. I think I'd put all my energy into helping HER raise HER child. Also, can you honestly in your heart raise this child for her to only have the child taken away later when the parents (or one parent) decides they are mature enough to raise the child again? And how will this affect Lexi? She'd be taken from one home to the next. I think this can only do damage overall. I feel like I can say that because I watched a similar situation happen in my family and how it affected all parties. Now in my aunt's case her children NEEDED to be taken away from her, she was doing drugs, there was a lot of danger going on and she wasn't wising up so my grandmother took custody of her grandchildren. My aunt later wised up, decided to be mature and raise her children but the damage was done. Those boys knew my grandmother as the mother and they've never really wanted anything to do with their real mother since. It's very sad. I can't even imagine my grandchild loving me more than my child. I just don't think I could let it happen.

Again, it's not for me to say but you asked for opinions. After reading many of your posts, I hate to say this, but I get the feeling that you really want this to happen, that you want custody. I could be way off base, though. I think I would spend more energy helping your daughter grow up to raise her child instead. You would not be teaching her responsibility among a whole slew of other values/morals if you just take custody of the baby. Again, if the baby was being seriously abused the situation is different. Yes, the baby might not be getting the love you would give it, but she would be getting her mother's love, which outweighs any IMO.

skinkybaby replied: I don't know, when the baby is getting rash after rash because she's constantly being left ina filthy diaper that has soaked through her clothes and when she's being left to scream and cry so her dad can play poker and ivdeo games, I'd call that borderline abuse

coasterqueen replied:
True, and a lot of people could consider letting a child CIO, spanking, etc as borderline abuse. Yes the rash is a serious thing, but letting a baby cry so dad can play poker I'm not sure that would be any different than letting my child CIO in a crib because I feel she should go to sleep. The only difference is he's doing it because he doesn't care about his child, I guess. I don't know, not really for me to say. I just think if things like that are considered abuse then there are a heck of a lot of children who should be taken away from their parents. I guess I should have been taken away from mine.

skinkybaby replied: CIO and letting your child sit in her swing and cry all day are apples and oranges. We'll just have to agree to disagree.

Bee_Kay replied:

You really couldn't be more wrong and I am embarrassed that I EVER came across that way on this board.

Talking about Lexi and asking for advice was never meant to come across as me wanting to take custody of that baby. I know she isn't being abused.... maybe neglected in a way.... I think so by her father (when he's playing poker and she's in her swing in a poopy diaper and she already has a diaper rash that is almost bleeding... to me that is a form of neglect).

Anyways, I think the problem I have is simply saying "no" when Lacy calls me to take Lexi. How do I say "no" to taking a child that I just adore? Deep down, I know I should, yet at the same time, I worry about alot of things if I were to say "no".

Anyways, I am sorry I came across that way. I can't imagine taking a baby away from their mother (unless, like said previously, there is abuse going on).

coasterqueen replied: No, I'm sorry for misunderstanding you. I was not trying to offend you and I apologize if I did. I think I'll refrain from giving further requested opinions so I don't cause anymore misunderstandings.

Bee_Kay replied:
LOL! I'm not offended!! I am just clarifying (something that is so hard to do when words are typed and emotion is difficult to portray on a messageboard) that I may have come across a certain way, but it wasn't my intent.

Don't refrain from giving an opinion... LOL, I asked for all opinions. and thank you for yours.

Nina J replied: Honestly, if I were you I would keep taking her. She comes first, and she obviously doesn't get taken care of as well as she should when she's with her parents. You can try to make your daughter and her boyfriend be responsible by refusing to take Lexi so much, but there is no was of knowing for sure that they are going to smarten up and get there act together. Lexi could just go on being left in dirty diapers and whatever else. At least you know that if you take her, she is being taken care of.

You can't make someone be a parent, they have to choose to want to take responsibility for there child. If I were you, I would talk to them. They have a human life that they brought into this world, and it's there responsiblity to look after her. They should do it right, or they shouldn't do it at all.

redplaydoh replied: I can't vote because I feel both ways. I was talking about this situation with my DH and we discussed that it wouldn't hurt for you to consult an attorney just to have a talk with him and that there would be a paper trail so to speak of when and how much you are taking care of Lexi so IF it ever came down to it you have proof from early on of what you're doing. Secondly it wouldn't hurt for him to draw up a document that allows you to take Lexi for medical treatment if she's in your care and is sick/injured and you wouldn't have to wait for the parent's consent.

I have a feeling that they are going to use you to care for Lexi and then use Lexi as a bargaining chip to get what they want from you. I think not having this stability will only make it rough for Lexi.

If I were in your shoes, and I'm glad I'm not, I'd get temporary custody now and let them get their lives together before you even thought about letting Lexi go back.

msoulz replied: All I glean is that she is lucky to have you looking out for her. It sounds like your daughter is happy about that too. I wish you all the best in your decisions.