Normal behavior?

kp103 wrote: Hi, I'm new here and I know this may have been discussed before, but I really need to know if what I'm dealing with is normal, and how to stop it. My son is in kindergarten (5 and a half years old) and he has been using a lot of kicking, hitting, pushing, etc to deal with people. If someone is chasing him, he kicks them. If someone is not listening to him, he hits them. What is up with that??? It's like he has no idea that what he is doing is wrong. We have tried taking privileges away, calling "Santa", time outs....nothing works. What next? Any suggestions would be great!!! Thanks.

MommyToAshley replied: Hi! and Welcome!

I am no expert because my daughter is only 14 months old. But, from what I have seen from other children, it seems like all kids experience this to some extent.

I don't have much advice, but I just wanted to welcome you and offer some hugs and support. There are a lot of experienced Moms here that will probably be able to answer your questions. I hope you are able to work through this or get past this stage!

Guest_maestra replied: Hello-

Just curious, did this just start, or has it been going on for a while?

Do you have any older children?

Welcome to the board!

DansMom replied: My nephew who is five just started Kindergarten, and he has had some personality changes too, and has been doing more "acting out" according to my sister. She's the type who will ask him to talk about what is bothering him, and remind him to "use his words" when he's frustrated or upset. I sometimes think she's too easy on him when he's been rude to someone (she doesn't say something right then, when it's just happened, which I would do); but he's such a great kid in general that I would say her approach seems to work: getting him to talk about what he's nervous about at school, see if anyone is picking on him or if he's having difficulties with some aspect of being there. Sometimes just showing understanding, encouraging him to talk or listening to him vent about something that upsets him might help when discipline isn't working---I can remember it working with me. I had a great teacher in first grade who used this technique very effectively with all of the kids in her class. Good luck whatever approach you choose. Let us know how you end up dealing with this---it's definitely a tough issue as a parent.

And nice to meet you too!

My2Carebears replied: I think its pretty normal. My daugther is 6 and is in Kindergarten. She has had Quite the behavior change. We have had to be pretty Strict with her and her behavior lately. I wish i had some advice, but we are dealing with something simialr.

MomofTay&Sam replied: I am trying to go back that far(my oldest is 11). I think they mimmick what they see when they start preschool and K. I know there are alot of kiddo movies that you can watch together that may help to explain being nice/playing soft. It is something you must get under control quickly though or it can carry on into the next grade levels. Try ALOT of talking about it, before school after school before bedtime. Stress that he is hurting his friends. Maybe start some type of reward system for being nice and soft towards his friends. A movie out with mommy or Mcdonalds for a special dinner with you and daddy. I know I know food should not be used as a reward, but you get the idea. He needs something to shoot for. Constant conversation is the best advice I can give. Have you been to the school? Maybe there is some sort of problem in his class? You can always get a child advocate to sit in on his classes and see what exactly is going on. Someone who is neutrel to the whole thing and can report to you. I hope I have helped somewhat. Good luck to you guys.

CantWait replied: Wish I could help. My oldest son is now 8, and he never went through that stage. He was a great first child to have LOL
I did want to wish you luck though

kp103 replied: Wow, thanks everyone. I feel very welcome here! Thanks for all the replies. I do have an older child, a daughter who is turning 8 next week. She's a wonderful, well-behaved child. I think MomofTayandSam is right about the mimmicking. My son says that all the other kids are mean, which of course isn't likely true, but he must be feeling threatened by some of them. My husband picked my kids up at school the other day and talked to my son's teacher. She said that he has been doing a lot of pushing and kicking, but that she knows how sweet he can be as well, and was quick to give examples. I didn't mention in the last message that he just started Tae Kwon Do 2 months ago and I am questioning whether or not that was a good idea.

So, hopefully this is just some phase he is going through. We have been talking constantly to him about hurting other people and how he would feel if the other kids did to him what he is doing to them. I think the suggestion of the kiddo movies may help too, I'll have to check that out. Thanks again for all of the suggestions and the hugs. I will keep in touch and let you all know how we make out over the next few weeks.

jcc64 replied: Hi and welcome aboard. I have 2 older boys (11 and 8), and I have some experience with this type of behavior. I think it's critical to "get on the same page" as the school - reinforce their rules at home. It is critical to be consistent each and every time. I also think he may have some confusion about the martial arts as well. I think it's possible that he can't differentiate between when it's acceptable to kick (martial arts) and when it's not. Talk about it, but don't take it away if he enjoys it. He might need the outlet. Another thought- is he watching anything on tv that could be influencing him? I know after my son watched "Power Rangers" or any sort of commercial tv aimed at kids, he would get crazy. Either limit it, or watch it with him and take the opportunity to point out the difference between tv and real life. Maybe invite some kids over for a playdate and watch them interact. Be available to help "teach" them how to sort out their problems verbally. My 1st child was also the easier one, so I was a little unprepared for the antics of the 2nd one. Some kids are more physical and take a little longer to get the message. Just be consistent.

kimberley replied: i feel your pain.

my 5 yr old came out kicking and screaming and has only recently learned to stop. i think some of it is just normal because they are frustrated that they can't communicate what they are feeling or that people just don't understand them.

i had quite a few people that had urges to strangle my son lol he got in a horrible habit of slapping people across the face when he didn't like something or felt frustrated. eventually he just outgrew it when he learned there were other ways to express his displeasure with something.

i hope it passes soon for you. just keep trying to talk to him and get him to communicate.

sassysdad16 replied: Kp103 noticed you said your son started Tae Kwon Do two months ago. Had a suggestion that might help. Try talking to your sons Karate instructor and see if you can get him to talk to the class about the problem in general without singling your son out. I know when I was in Karate the instructor would talk to us continuous about using it as only a last resort and always being peaceful. Coming from the Instructor will make alot of difference. Our instructor used to tell us if he heard of us fighting he would think of an approriate punishment such as extra pushups stuff like that. Figured it might help out in your situation as I know it kept me in line but it all depends on how much your son looks up to the instructor. I looked up to mine alot and he became one of my best friends almost like a second dad to me.

aspenblue1 replied: Hi Welcome

I wish I could help but Isabella is only 14 months old, but I wanted to wish you luck.

Guest_kp103 replied: Latest developments: Well, last night was our first parent-teacher night for Ryan. The teachers are quite concerned since he is the only boy out of 10 who acts this way. They made a few suggestions, like holding the hand of the duty-teacher for the recess time, or going to play by himself. Hopefully these will help a bit. Today there was no school so Ryan and my daughter were at the babysitter's house all day and Ryan took it upon himself to hit a much bigger boy with a hockey stick because the kid had said something mean to him. My husband and I are pulling our hair out!! I can only hope this is a stage he will outgrow...

The suggestion about the Tae Kwon Do instructor talking to him sounds good. I think we will try that and see what happens. We've actually thought of doing that, but just haven't seemed to make the time to do it.

Thanks to everyone for the support. I'll keep you posted.

jcc64 replied: Juliep- what a fabulous idea! My older kids used to get along so well, I put so much effort into making sure I remained impartial in their conflicts and tried to be consistent with discipline. And yet, now that my oldest has hit the dreaded pre-adolescent phase, my house is in constant turmoil. I feel like I'm in a disfunctional relationship and I'm always in a bad mood b/c of the strife around here. And I'm tired of being "the enemy". I think the wheel is just the answer for us. My kids will definitely take to the "gambling" format. Will be ordering one soon.

Guest replied:
Pay attention only to the positive. You have to stop hurtful behaviors right away. But as soon as you stop that then look for something positive he has done and make a HUGE deal out of it!! Check this out:

Anyone needing a parenting program for parents for kids for great behavior should check out "Egg-Centives" Look for it on E-Bay. It is so awesome. My kids love it. I love it because my kids are excited about our house rules again! They WANT to be good! It is just not another sticker chart. It works like this. You pick a goal with your child. You give points to the child for all positive things. Then every 6 points they get an "egg!!" Inside the egg you put yolk notes that are included in the kit. You write your own or use the preprinted ones. I also added a little treat like m&m's to the eggs. They take the positive path to the end. Then they get their choosen goal. For my 6 year old we picked a goal of a sleepover with 2 friends. With my 3 year old son we picked a rescue hero. $7.99 at target. When I tell them that I am so proud of them for brushing their teeth when I didn't even have to ask them to do it, I gave them 2points!! Then went to their chart and marked them! They beamed with pride. This has changed the way we parent!! We are reminded to seek out the positive in our kids not the negative. I am not kidding you will be amazed how the want to do it!! You are in this message are bbecause something isn't working for you. What have you got to lose? Get turned around like I did and be the positive parent

jem0622 replied: My brother had trouble when he started school. We were in private school. They would give out Happy Grams and Sad Grams. So my parents did a reward/punishment system. For every good daily report he got a dime. For every bad one, he had .20 taken away. At the end of the school year he had enough to buy He-Man and Battle Cat. Okay, so that dates him...LOL...but you get the gist.

I like that spinning of the wheel for consequences and will have to store it in my mental filing cabinet for when the boys are a little older.

Julie

kp103 replied: Hi everyone! Thanks to everyone for all of the suggestions and support. I'm thrilled to say that Ryan has snapped out of his behavior problem and has been soooo good ever since late November. He's like a changed child. I think it must have just been the transition from day care to kindergarten that got him a bit rowdy. He is so sweet and caring now, it's amazing. I can't get enough of him! Thanks again!