Not sure about my relationship. - please! I need some advice!

JessC wrote: I am sorry if I posted this in a different place where I was spose to but I really need some advice BIG time.
Ok Chris and I have been dating for 4 years, we have broken up once.
THIS once time was because at first he was calling me all these names. So I decided to break up with him. He then calls me 2 days later to tell me that the reason that he was such a jerk was because he cheated on me. 1 year prior. Since he told me this last february 2004, I have had a HARD time getting over it. I need some serious advice. PLEASE I need to know if I need to break it off with him, because its never gonna get out of my system that he did cheat. Or do you think I shoud try to get over it. ?
And ever since we have been ttc, its just weird because I cant get over it,
And its like what would I tell my kids when they got older, that they should leave their spose since say their spose cheated on them... even though say I didnt with chris?

PLEASE SOME HELP?!?!
Emotional day

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I saw this in another post and started to comment on it there, but didn't feel it was my place to say something. If this is something that you can't get over and you say your relationship is rocky right now, bringing a baby into the world (and into the relationship) will magnify those problems times 100!! Bringing a baby into this will in no way make it better..only worse. Not to mention it will bring out his faults even more. Also if he has been unfaithful in the past, who's to say he won't leave you for someone else when you get pregnant or down the road after the baby is born?? (God forbid) Do you really trust him? I think you REALLY need to talk about this. If you aren't 110% sure you want in this relationship for the long haul, then you don't need to have a baby with him and be left to raise him alone.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh...I really don't mean to be. I am concerned for you and any child you bring into an unstable environment such as the one you have described.

loveydad replied: Yeah I agree wtih the above post- if you're having trouble with your s/o do NOT bring a baby into this world. Sorry to sound harsh but this happen to me and Henry is still dealing with the pain from my previous marriage.

DVFlyer replied: Ok, a little confusion here........

How old are you both? You've been dating for 4 years (don't you think that's a long time to date and not get married?) and broke up once because he called you names (he wouldn't call you names unless he wasn't getting something he wanted. It's always a control thing). He called you two days after you broke up with him and he told you he cheated on you a year prior...... but you didn't say anything about getting back together.

Now for the not so fun part:

From a trust standpoint, you have none. You've basically admitted it to yourself already, you're just here looking for confirmation of your feelings (correct me if I'm wrong). I know they say, once a cheater always a cheater, but I can't make that blanket statement. People make mistakes, but I, for one, could never get it out of my mind and would always be suspicious... regardless of how they say "they've changed". The only thing you "know" is that your boyfriend can get away with cheating on you because you'll take him back.

As far as what you say to your kids, tell them the truth. Mommy made a bad choice and picked a boy who cheated on her. Tell them you'd hope they make a better decision.

Good luck. I don't envy being in your shoes right now.

~Roo'sMama~ replied: I agree with Aimee on this one. I really don't know what to tell you about whether or not you should try to make your relationship work or break it off, but I do think you should put off ttc until you know for certain that you're both going to be in this for good.
And getting married and having kids won't change him - he has to be willing to change on his own. My sister's first husband cheated on her while they were engaged and she thought that he would settle down after they were married... but with all three of the kids they had together he disappeared for a few days and cheated on her right after she'd given birth. I know that not all guys are like that - maybe the fact that Chris admitted what he did to you and hasn't done it since shows that he's serious about your relationship now. But you need to sit down and talk and decide before you bring a baby into it.

gr33n3y3z replied: I agree with everyone else on this matter.

JessC replied:
Well I just needed to know that to stay with him and try to work it out, or break up with him and date somebody else and have kids with them someday. I CERTAINLY dont want to bring a kid into it.

I have decided I dont want to bring anything until im married. Do you agree with me?
I mean we get along alot half the time its just his cheating i cant ever get over. I think its just issues with me having to deal with that.
Well I guess I will stop trying. but you know what, its the best thing to do right this second.
Is it ok if I still post on here? Even if im not trying anymore? I really enjoy this board. You guys are all very nice.

kit_kats_mom replied: ITA with the other posters. Stop TTC now and until either your relationship is healed or you've moved on.

Honestly, I felt like a giant cow when I was pregnant and if I had even a shred of mistrust about my DH at that time, I would have been sure he would cheat on me just because I was so low and gross looking.

Alice replied: Would you guys consider counseling? Perhaps that would get your relationship back on track, or at least point you in some sort of direction.

3xsthefun replied: I agree with everyone else. I really do not have anything to add but just wanted to send you some ((hugs)) .

mckayleesmom replied: I personally wouldn't stay in the relationship because I would never be able to fully trust him again. I would constantly wonder if a year from now..after a fight...would I find out he cheated again..KWIM? I believe that every man and woman deserves the right to have a complete peace of mind in a relationship. I had a boyfriend cheat once and I broke up with him and never looked back. And I didn't shed a tear either because he didn't deserve to be cried over.

3_call_me_mama replied: I agree with everyone else on this too... and I think it;s fine for you to stay on here, just my opinion. I don; think that there is any rule stating that you have to have children or be trying to have children to use this board ( i hope not anyway- cause there are lots of other good thing on here that are just general life things!)

also glad to hear that you are not going to add a baby to the mix... take some time to figure it out before you make any quick decisions.

A&A'smommy replied: I have to agree with everyone else I have seen that happen WAY too often and things just got worse after that. ((((BIG HUGS)))) And don't leave we enjoy you here too.. btw if you don't mind me asking how old are you?

loveydad replied: I want you here. You stay for me. LOL

Like you said in a post a long time ago, all this being around parents is good practice for you. That's as good of an excuse as any.

Plus we Like you a LOT!

JessC replied: Thanks guys! I will stay then!
akbutterfly, I am 19 and chris is 20. We have been together since my freshman year in high school and his sophmore year.
I love him to death, I think I will consider conseling though just to see how it goes and if it doesnt go well than thats that.
Thanks for all advice and support!

DVFlyer replied:

HUH?! Don't stop trying deal with it. Let it give you the strength you obviously need to move on. I know there's a story out there somewhere when a guy or girl cheated on their significant other but they stayed together and now are happier than ever, but most don't.

Everyone has their limit. Some might break it off for bad breath. Some might break it off for cheating. Others wait until they are battered and bruised before that "limit" kicks in. And still others are too insecure to ever make a decision.

Tell yourself right now, out loud, that ANYONE cheating on you is totally unacceptable...... I'll wait while you do it.......

Ok, how did that feel? Now say it again. You need to have the strength and courage and self esteem to deal with this right now. Do not wait until you have kids to realize you "should have done something long ago". You are much more important to yourself than anyone else. Make this happen for you. You can do it.

And stick around too. It's always nice to see a hot chick on the forum.

Boys r us replied: Well, definitely don't have a baby with him until you can decide, that is just wrong wrong wrong!

I think you two should take a break for a month and see how you feel after that, if you can't live without him for a month, then this is probably something you CAN get over, but you owe it to both of you and any future family you create to figure this out before you get married!

My2Beauties replied: I think you have been given some wonderful advice, please do not bring a child into this world if you are uncertain of your feelings for him and if you do not want to stay! The last thing you want to be is on your own with a baby, because hon ask some of the single mothers on this board...it's hard..real hard!!! I am proud of you for even thinking about this because most girls would just say forget it and go on and ttc without thinking twice. There are enough children born everyday to broken up families or from one night stands and who never get a chance to know their father..don't make yours one of them! I know I wasn't married when I had Hanna so I am not preaching the be married before you have kids crap..I'd be a hypocrite (now we weren't ttc neither ) however, I think I still must say I think it's important! Would I have rather waited to be married before conceiving Hanna, yes...it would have made things so much easier, but did it happen that way...NO! I just got lucky that I was already completely and totally in love with Brian and we already had plans to get married (they were just put on hold for a while)! You need to be happy and if you can't get over the fact that he cheated on you then you shouldnt be with him! I'm with DVFlyer, people can change and it's not fair to say once a cheater always a cheater...but it's also not fair to yourself to stay with that person if you're not happy and cannot trust them! I for one, could not be with someone that cheated on me, I would never have trust again! I really wouldn't! So take everyone's advice for what it's worth and think hard about it, these mommies have really made a lot of sense...you want your future children to know that they were conceived in love and without question as to their mommy and daddys relationship not with mommy thinking that she wasn't sure about it and daddy thinking he can get away with cheating...KWIM

kimberley replied:

Aimee is sooo right about this. trust me, i made that mistake . and i really hope you took DVFlyer's words to heart because he gave you some great advice. i really do hope you stick around here. we enjoy your company

JessC replied: DVFlyer, thanks for some more good advice. I did say it out loud and felt GOOD!

I really think you should be a family conselor or some sort if your not already!