OH boy! - I need some serious advice!

MomofTay&Sam wrote: I have a 10 almost 11 year old. He is a sweet smart honor roll boy going into 5th grade next year. He is from my first marriage and has adjusted pretty well over the last 5 years with our current family life. I am no dumbie and know all the tricks that any kid could play! My son has his own AOL screen name with is blocked and set to young teen. His IM's and email are blocked. Only the people I add can he talk to or receive mail or even email. He can not alter it in any way. As soon as he signs off AOL sends me a guardian report of everything he did, attempted to do or even if he tried to tamper with anything. I get the mins he was online everything!..So yesterday I was putting Sam down for a nap, I lay with him and than put him in his bed. I left my laptop online in my name, thinking I was coming right back. Well I fell asleep with Sam for 2 hours!! I woke up to see my 10 yr old changing to his name(he could never get in my name it's pw protected, but I left it on) I could see the shock in his face, something was UP. So I said what were you doing? Playing games mom. I changed Sam and nicely said, yanno Tay I can see whatever you were doing. He played the you don't trust me card. LMAO..I said I trust you sure I do, but I know you were doing something! So I say come sit with me, I pull up the history files for that day and OMG OMG OMG lets just say he did a google search(which was in the history files too) BAD BAD stuff!! He was mortified! Now I am guessing it's time for the TALK! I need advice on how to start this going...HELP! If he is looking at BRANDY getting her cherry popped than it's time to talk! UGh Help you mommy's! The world is so different now.

Mommieto2Girls replied: All I can say is OMG. I don't know what I would have done. I know I would be ready to strangle him. I would just sit him down and tell him how it is. I wish I could help you but you know your son and how it all should be said, Good luck .

MommyToAshley replied: Kids just grow up too fast these days! I am dreading "the talk". I have a few years with Ashley... hopefully I can learn from all of you what to do!

I don't have any advice, jsut wanted to offer you my support. Maybe some BTDT moms will have some good advice!

CantWait replied: OMG I'm not looking forward to that day......Wish I had some words of advice however I'm still a few years ago from that.
Good Luck and lots of Hugs

MomofTay&Sam replied: Just imagine it was you, how would you start the convo? I cant imagine starting the convo and it is me! Tay's dad is a 1000 miles away and he would say go for it! Ugh My DH doesnt know how to approach it or even if it is his place. So it is up to me. I know no more than you guys, just looking for suggestions. How would you start this convo??

supermom replied: You've got to be just as open and honest with him as you possibly can (we've BTDT with all three - one boy and two girls so far). You have GOT to ask him if he's got questions about what he saw and how he felt about looking at whatever it was he was seeing......

I know it's hard, believe you me, and it is also difficult not wanting to kill them while you're doing it, but if you act like that they will NEVER want to confide in you when it gets to the REAL serious stuff.

Start by asking him why (in the most non-accusatory way) he was looking at what he was looking at - he's just a normal boy, for sure, if he's trying to sneek a peek at the girls. Is he curious what we all look like? Does he want to know what's involved in "doing it"? If so, then you have got to explain to him how you feel about sex without love, etc, etc.....it really does take some soul searching and all of that, because you also can't do the "do as I say, not as I do" act, too!!

If you can get this conversation going now, and keep it open, when it comes down to the very serious stuff (real sex, birth control, STD's, etc, etc) it will be so much easier...

CantWait replied: my dh would be the same way, just let him do it....he's not as concerned about boys as he is girls (#1 reason he doesn't want a girl).

amynicole21 replied: Oi! I'm soooo not looking forward to that. Every child is curious (hell, my mom caught me looking at my dad's playboys when I was about 9) - you just have to give him the security that if he values women and himself enough, he will know that these things are degrading and are not the way to treat women. Maybe taking the mystery out of it by talking about it will cause him to lose some interest - who knows

booey2 replied: Wow, I really don't know what to say, both our boys are still a little young (almost 5 and 18 months). But Supermom can come and help me anytime. Your post was great I am going to save it for later. Hugs to you and keep the lines of communication open between you and you should have a healthy relationship.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I'm not there yet... but my mom just went through it. I have a 15 yeard old brother whoh still lives with at home. He's a regular little perv... the problem is, my mom was never good at communication. Heck..we were never told we were loved. We had a good relationship, just not lovey-dovey.

She really handled it...*well*... or with tact... I think. The first time we found out, I was sitting at the computer in my mom's basement, looking for something on kazaa for her. Then I wanted to put the song in a different folder, so that she could just get it from the desktop rather than going through kazaa (she's not computer smart either...). So I opened up the shared folder in the program, and........there was about 30 porn files (videaos AND pictures.)

I started laughin so hard I was crying. He was 14 at the time... my mom came down, and I showed her. She was NOT impressed. But.......she said that boys will be boys, and opened up each and every file. The not so bad ones, she let him keep (as in maybe a boob showing, or an erotic-but-not-naked pic, a video of girls in bikinis swimming, a wet t-shirt contest, and the really nasty ones, she deleted. She changed his screen saver to: No more porn!

My brother got home, and stayed downstairs the rest of the evening, until I left. I guess he was too embarassed to come back up! lol!!

Everytime afterwards that she found porn, she'd change the password on the computer, so he couldn't get in. But he hacks it. He's pretty smart.

The latest thign though....he took a pic of *himself* with my mom's digital camera. I used it later on, took a few pics of Zach, and when I went to go back to look at them, I went back one too many and saw my brother in all his ...um....glory? (*snicker* )

Now my mom just ignores it. She figures at least he's discreet about it, he cleans any traces he was even ON porn sites etc.... and she figures that at least it's online, and not real life.

Guest_jcc64 replied: I have a boy the exact same age, although he's in 5th grade. ITA with Supermom. The most important thing to establish is an open communication line. It's pretty easy to provide basic sex education, but inserting your values and wishes w/o alienating or shaming your child is definitely tricky. He's looking at porno b/c he's curious, and that curiosity in and of itself is healthy and normal. If you punish him or shame him, you'll close the door for any future opportunities to communicate on this subject. That's not to say that you should encourage him to gourge on porno. But it's time to share your feelings about sex w/o love, relationships, respect, etc. And I also believe every boy needs to know that most "real" women don't look or act like they do in pornography, or video games for that matter. Good luck!
Peace,
Jeanne

MomToMany replied: I've been thinking about having a "the talk" with my oldest before something like this happens! He can't get on any computer, so I'm not worried about that part of it, but sometimes they come across "stuff" with their friends. He's going into fifth grade this fall (will turn 10 in July). I'm using Supermom's advice for sure; she's BTDT enough!

I just gotta work up the courage to do it!

MomofTay&Sam replied: My son is only going into 5th grade being almost 11 because of the state laws. He was born in TX and went to K and half 1st grade there. The cutt-off in TX is Sept 1. He was born Sept 19th. In NY the cutt of is around Dec 5th. So he is a old 4 about to be 5th grader. With that said, over the last few days I have been starting convo's about what he was doing and why he was interested. At first I got the "I don't know" and then I was put on ignore about the topic. I am slowly making it a everyday topic w/o trying to embarras him to much. I only start when we are alone or driving. I figure if I can get him use to talking about it with me than it will be just another thing to talk about. I asked him if he wanted to see private parts and boobs, "is that what you are trying to see" he said kinda. So we have begun to start this and over time it will work out. I think it's going good so far.

supermom replied: Good - I am so glad you are taking the lead in this, because we know that if we left it up to the kids, they would ask their friends, and we know what happens then. Sounds like you are doing great, keep up the good work and keep up the conversation. From the sounds of the beginning of it, he's just a normal curious boy!