Okay parents, I need some parenting help

Jamison'smama wrote: I will try to sum this up as much as possible. Jamison is turning 3 in September and I am having a TIME with her. I love her more than life, however, I don't always want her near me. She cries CONSTANTLY--when the wind changes direction, she cries. She screams if she brushes against the couch "I hurt myself" she cries if she wants the yellow cup instead of the blue one, she cries at least once every 30 min. sometimes every 5 min. She SCREAMS if someone has something she wants or takes something away from her. I realize a lot of this is her age but it seems extreme.

I have read the Dr. Sears stuff, I try and try to put things into practice but it is CONSTANT. I can't parent every second and I feel like my entire day is spent saying...stop the tears or......stop screaming or.......do not take things away from your friends etc. I try to "catch her" being good and praise her and talk about the good things but I am exhausted!! I think I know what to do but I am having a hard time staying positive and parenting the way I want to. I love her and each night AFTER she is asleep I feel awful for the way the day has gone, for the number of times she cried.

Any advice is welcome. I think I might try charting positive behavior but haven't figured out in what increments would be effective. She isn't goal oriented--she won't work towards a goal---ie toilet training to get a new backpack for school, staying with me in a store to ride the Barney ride etc. I bought the book Raising your Spirited Child and have started it so maybe it'll help.

Sorry this got a little long...if you made it through all of this do you have any advice?????

ian'smommy replied: I don't have a lot of advice, but one thing I can say is this: when she is screaming because she wants something she can't have, or doesn't get to make a choice of her own between what color cup she gets, acknowledge her mood. She is human just like us adults. She is allowed to be in a bad mood just as much as we are. She just doesn't know how to show it the way we do. So if she is mad about something, try saying something like, "you look mad. It's ok to be mad, but mommy would be happier if you didn't scream." Maybe even tell her to go read a book or do something else until she feels better... These are just suggestions. But it might be frustrating to her when you tell her to just stop crying or stop screaming. She is clearly upset and doesn't know how else to show her frustration. Acknowledging her feelings and then telling her how she can handle it instead can work. You won't see results right away however, but that is where patience comes into play. Over time she will learn how to better vent her frustration. If it's over something as simple as the color of the cup she gets, let her choose. Pick your battles. If it's somethign she gets no choice with, then she will have to deal with her emotions. But if it's possible to give her a choice (color of a cup, or whatever),let her have the choice. It will hopefully cut down a little on her crying and screaming... I will think on this some more and if I come up with anything else, I'll let you know... I hope it gets better...

Jamison'smama replied: Anything is worth a try at this point--her life is about choices and picking my battles has certainly been our motto lately and the crying is the battle I have to pick at this point because EVERYTHING is a battle--if it were just the cups or simple choices I think I might be able to handle it but it is constant--it's getting dressed, changing a diaper, rinsing her hair, washing her, going inside at night, getting in the car etc. It is strange really, I know this is how she vents and communicates but it is SCREAMING and I have tried to go by the Dr. Sears advice of saying I will not talk to you while you are whining/crying to encourage different communication but it hasn't made a difference.

We also have the "boy who cried wolf" thing going on, I never know when she is really hurt because of her extreme reaction to all minor events----oh I have to stop my venting now

I will try to give more choices and understand her communication and I really appreciate your response!!

ian'smommy replied: I definitely understand how frustrating that can be. I know I only touched on the cup thing and such. I didn't touch on her dramatics to every other part of life...
I think that Dr. Sears is right in having parents say " I won't talk to you while you are screaming or crying" but I don't see from that, how it encourages another response. If you just tell her to stop and don't tell her how else she can express it, she will learn that it's not ok to show her emotions and will start to bottle it up. I know that none of us want that but I think sometimes we teach them that without realizing it because it's so frustrating to us. In truth, she doesn't know what else to do to express how she feels. So I'd say, "i won't talk to you while you are doing _____" And then say. "I know you are mad but you are hard to talk to when you do this. You can let me know your're mad by doing ________ instead." She won't know how else to express herself if other choices aren't given. Does this make sense? Or even tell her, "if you need to scream about this, go to your room to do it. Come back when you are feeling better"
About her crying wolf so that you get to the point where you aren't sure if she is really hurt or not, trying telling her that it scares you because you don't know if she is really hurt. That may mean nothing to her for some time though. But in that case I think it is an attention getter. As difficult as it would be, find out if she is really hurt and if she isn't, ignore the behavior. I've had to do this myself and I'll tell you, it's sure not easy. But in Ian's case when he does something for attention, the behavior becomes less and less as I ignore it. If I talk to him while he is angry, he continues. If I ignore it, it doesn't last as long.
For other things like coming in at night, getting in the van, having a bath, etc. , tell her you know she is upset and doesn't want to do it, but she has to. Even tell her that mommy has to do things that she doesn't like to do and so does Jamison. When she eventually starts to see that she isn't the only one who has to do things she doesn't want to do, it will get better... In the meantime, it's not going to make you feel any better when the situations occur... You can take some comfort in knowing that as her comprehension grows, the behavior won't happen as often.
I hope this helps some.

amynicole21 replied: Brenda, I am so right there with you. Our house has become incredibly stressful lately due to all of the crying and screaming that goes on. I know exactly how difficult it is to keep your cool when your 2 year old is acting like she's possessed. Our dog has even begun to exhibit nervous disorders because of this. He shakes and cowers and runs to hide whenever Sophia starts to cry. It's all very distressing

We obviously haven't found any answers yet, but I like a lot of what ian'smommy has to say. We do try to acknowledge her needs a lot. For example, when she is screaming "I want milk" over and over and over again, I'll often say "I hear you saying that you want milk, but you'll need to say please before I will get it for you." That's a Dr. Phil trick - validating them. It doesn't do much to make her quit the tantrum, but I hope that in the long run it might help.

I was thinking that a lot of our issues might have something to do with Nora's arrival, but now I see that it is more likely a combination of that and normal terrible two's. While I'm really sorry you are going through this, it gives me some comfort that we aren't the only ones. Good luck.

mckayleesmom replied: OMG...I think I found McKaylees long lost twin....McKaylee is constantly whining...but good advice Iansmom..I am going to try talking to her and letting her know I understand her feelings...I always feel like such a jerk after I put her to bed because I feel like I have screamed at her all day long to stop doing this or that.

kit_kats_mom replied: I feel so lucky. At least K doesn't cry most of the time. I think I've gotten it though her head that I will absolutely not tolerate whining. She still reverts to it when she's tired though. She also pretends she's a baby and the baby makes this loud repetitive squeal that grates on my every last nerve. that along with the constant chatter (she CAN NOT be quiet unless she's watching a movie or something) bug me.

So, I don't have any advice but is Jack a crier? If he is, and she sees you giving attention to Jack when he cries, she may be trying to get your attention the same way. K sometimes will act like Lauren if I'm not paying enough attention to her. Maybe look for reactions to sibling arrivals??

Also, we all have rough days. Just this morning I spoke really harshly to K and kind of blew her off when she wanted to play. I could tell that I hurt her feelings so I sat her down in a quiet room and apologized for being snappy & we picked the grumpies off of me & ended up in a pile laughing.

coasterqueen replied: Okay well I know I'm not alone and my child isn't possessed because Kylie is THE SAME EXACT WAY. She whines more than she cries though. She'll whine because her arm pit itches, she'll whine because we are going home instead of staying in town, because I was sitting in her chair, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.

I feel terrible at the end of the day too for how I lose my temper and I feel like I've tried everything with her. I hate telling her to stop crying or whining because I feel that kids should be able to express how they feel, it's important. BUT I'm going bonkers.

No advice Brenda...just know you are not alone! If someone finds some miracle cure...I need it too. Dh says we just need a taser gun and life will be peaceful again.

DansMom replied: Daniel just started with the constant whining and objecting too---a couple of times this weekend I almost snapped and had to walk away! DH is more patient with it. All of a sudden nothing is right, he'll say no even when it's something he wanted, and it has to be this cup, this plate, this shirt. Sigh. I'll read all advice---I myself have none! Ignoring it has not been effective (I tried that).

3_call_me_mama replied:
OMG does he know my husband???? Dennis keeps suggesting we get a taser and all would be well. Cameron has a lot of the EXACT SAME BEHAVIORS and it is oh so frustrating. I cannot wait for it to pass, but the worst part is that he can rationalize it and try to bargin with you. He tries to convince you that you are wrong

kit_kats_mom replied:
Sounds like you need to start saving up to send him to law school

MommyToAshley replied: Brenda, I wonder if a lot of it does have to do with being a little jealous of Jack? Did most of this start when Jack arrived? I obviously don't have experience with this first hand, but a few friends who recently had a second child have told me the same thing (and their first child is about the same age as Jamison). I am sure Ashley would be very jealous in this situation and I am not sure how I would handle it either. I am sure you have already tried this, but I would try to find time to spend with Jamison every day without Jack... just the two of you.

I think I would try to address the behavior and have consquences for it... I know this might get old at first, but I think if you are consistent then hopefully eventually you will see results. Ashley has only thrown a handful of tantrums, but last week she was not fun at the store... she was trying to climb out of the cart, asking to be held and then wanted down and if we didn't let her out of the cart she would whine. Then, we were in a store that didn't have carts and she was trying to run away. (In the past, She had always been good whenever we went out) I thought the first day might have been because she didn't have a nap, but the second time she did it, I knew it had nothing to do with her nap. So, I told her that she could either sit in the shopping cart like a big girl or she was going to go sit in the car and wouldn't be able to shop with Daddy. Well, she continued these bahaviors so I took her out to the car. She cried the entire time, and it just broke my heart to see her cry like that... she begged to go back inside with Daddy, but I didn't give in. And, since then, we've been in and out of stores and she has been her old self again. She even made reference to the time she had to sit in the car, and I just told her that I was proud of her for being so good today.

So, I guess I would try to make some time for only you and Jamison every day and I wouldn't let the behavior you want to change go without consquences. And, as you have been doing, I would continue to praise her for good behaviour. But, like I said before, I am not in your situation and my look on things may be completely different if I were.

I hope you find a solution that works and hang in there!! You have to remember that you are doing a great job with her and Jack, I can only imagine how hard it is with two. It will get better, and I hope someone else that has BTDT has some good advice.

Josie83 replied: Brenda. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time, especially now you have a baby to contend with as well! It looks like you've had a lot of good advice. I'm like Cary, Cassie's really not a crier or a whiner she's pretty good for me so I do't really have any advice. It sounds like yo're doing the right thing though, ignoring her, redirecting her and prasising good behaviour. Is it any chance that she's maybe jealous of Jack? Maybe if you could give the baby to your husband for an hour every so often and spend some time just you and Jamison? Maybe she's feeling a bit left out since he came along, but that's just a guess. I'm soryr you're having such a hard time, I hope it sorts itself out soon! xx

aspenblue1 replied:
Isabella is doing the exact samething. Let me know if you find something that works. Even when we take walks she will throw a fit because its not long enough. I try to give her choice in what I can but I have no clue on what to do.

amymom replied: The advice others gave is pretty great. I do not have much advice on the constant crying, I went through similar things with my daughter and don't remember specifics on what we did that worked. I tried everything.

But, with the "boy who cried wolf thing" my solution to that we still use, and you will need to make it age appropriate, But we created a scale of pain or hurt or whatever you want to call it. But, my daughter could at three, point to how bad the particular complaint was at the moment. For example, now (she is 8) we use the numbers 1 to 10, 10 is the worst pain (or itch or stomachache or whatever) 1 is the least. When she has a complaint about her body, or clothes bothering her, or whatever the complaint of the moment is.... then I ask 'ok how bad is this one?' and she has to anylyze it. Then we decide what to do about it. We have had many years of practice at it but at the beginning, I explained that it scared me when she screamed like she was in terrible pain and I didn't know what was wrong. So she had to help me figure out what to fix. This gave her some control and me some sanity. At first I took something she didn't like and compared it with something she liked. Put them both on a chart and drew a line between the two. Then we marked off half way. She could point to the thing she hated as being a real bad pain, and get closer to the thing she liked if the pain was less. Then we dealt with anything over the halfway point. We had to put together the chart during a calm moment, which I remember as being few and far between.

Just know from me that it got better as she got older.

MyBlueEyedBabies replied: This isn't exactly a club I would like to join..but I'm right here with the rest of you. Katy cries at everything, atleast 30 times a day (far more than Matt) IF we are at home and she has started to scream or cry (for no reason) she gets sent to another room so we don't have to hear her, that seems to be lessening the legnth of her fits. She will breakdown over all the insignifigant stuff like getting the purple cup after she picked the purple cup because while I was pouring her drink she changed her mind and now wants the blue cup that Matt is getting or maybe the yellow cup that is still in the cupboard.

DansMom replied: Believe it or not, Daniel whined and complained during his sleep last night. Every time he rolled over he'd go "no no no no no! Not [fill in the blank]! I want [fill in the blank]" It seemed he was even dreaming about not getting his way on every detail Then this morning I swear he is taller. I begin to wonder if these whiny periods are connected to bone pain from growth spurts?

amymom replied:
OMG I forgot, but my daughter used to whine in her sleep too!!!!

I never thought of the growth spurt thing. Could be

Hillbilly Housewife replied: OOOOOooooh I hear ya!

With Zach - what works is this:

when he's really whiny - I tell him that I can't understnad when he whines, and he has to stop for me to understand what he's saying. I keep repeating that, and after a few moments, he's just sniffling and *WhInEs* what he wants in this really *clingy* voice.... I tell him that I can understand better, but I don't understand completely - he'll usually quiet down then, and TELL me what he wants/needs/etc...

With EMilie, I've become a bit of a guesser - she'll whine or cry with big tears when she wants something - if I guess it right on, she'll stop immediately and smile.

What a ham.

Days where it gets really bad, I shove them both in a bath. They shut up and are quiet(er) for at least 30 minutes - I can sit next to the tub and READ or something to calm down - then we're ALL in a better mood.

As for cups/plates etc.... we have a plastic set that we have in 2 colors - there is a plate, bowl, cup - all in the same 2 colors. So when I take it out - it's either red or yellow, for both kids. For tv shows and movies etc - we have a "chart" of the week, and a picture of the movie is there - so there is no fighting over it. Today is Cat in the Hat day - they watched some of it this morning while eating breakfast, and they will watch some of it tonight between bathtime and bedtime.

For the hurting - we never really paid much attention to booboos....as mean as that sounds - we were never the type of parent to rush over and cuddle our kids when they went bump - whenever they fell, or hit themselves on something, we would go "whoopsy daisy!" or "aw, a little bobo. ok, no big deal, come play with..." and now, they trp all over the place, whatever, they look at us and go "whoops!" and get up and come for us to kiss the bobo. So if they cry because they fell or hit themselves, we know that it's a "real" hurt, because they don't cry about it usually since we never made a big deal about it.

Other than that..... good luck. We all have bad days.... mine are everyday.

~KARA~ replied: Im kinda in the same boat. Maddi wont start the crying and screaming untill her sister get home at 3:30. Then all he** breaks loose. they both pick on each other, they are mean to each other and REFUSE to play with toys. Its sooo time consuming trying to sort out every cry, scream and fight. Most of teh cause is my older dd likes to pick on everyone big or little. The use to complain that there wasnt enought room to play in their rooms, so we put the bunk beds together and put all toys in one room. Granted when the baby gets here and is about 3 or 4 months older they wont have access to that room all the time but they REFUSE to play in there now.

Im completley exauseted at night and its just going to get worse since my oldset will be out of school the 15th. Im going to go insane listening to all the fighting.

mama3x replied: Add me to the list. Kyrie is a whiny (high-pitched too) and it just started in full force a couple of months after Dallas arrived. Dallas on top of that is high needs and cries a lot too...

I agree with all the advice given but have to admit, I end up screaming myself, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" if it gets unbearable...sigh...