Please help, I don't know how to handle this

coasterqueen wrote: Kylie has had accidents twice in one day now. Last night (well real early this morning) she peed the bed, she has been dry for over two months now. I dismissed it as just an accident. Then tonight we were in Megan's room, Megan was listening to daddy talk to her on the phone and Kylie was showing me her new cinderella stuff. All of a sudden Kylie looks at me and said "oops". I looked down and she was peeing on the floor. I asked her why she did it and she said she didn't know. That's two accidents I had to clean up today.

Then tonight she gave me a hard time going to bed, that's somewhat normal. But then it was time for her show to be turned off to go to sleep. She was a bit upset, but seemed overall fine with it. About 10 minutes later she came out to ask me something and then asked why daddy has to help people when she needs him I tried to explain the best I could then scooted her off to bed. Not even 30 seconds after she went back to her room she started screaming at the top of her lungs and crying unconsolably (sp?). I tried to ask her what was wrong but she couldn't even calm down. So I picked her up and brought her in the living room here and she's asleep on the couch now.

Of course I'm sure this all has to do with daddy being gone. But how do I handle this? I feel like I'm failing here because I have to make sure she feels safe and secure and know that daddy loves her and misses her, etc, etc, etc. I keep trying to fill that void of him in her life right now and I just feel like I'm failing miserably. I know it's only been 2.5 days and I just need to give her time to adjust but I'm afraid if I don't do all the right things the next 3 months could be devastating for her and that this could scar her for life.

As it is now she won't even let me leave her side. Sunday we were at my parents house and Megan needed tylenol for teething. I told mom I was going to run down to the house to get it and asked her to keep an eye on the girls. Kylie went balistic and wouldn't let me leave without her. I guess this means I'm not even going to get a sanity break before Dh comes back

Any advice is greatly appreciated. I don't want this to harm her for life. Dh feels so awful right now. We knew this would be hard on her, but Dh didn't think she'd do things like this. He's having a really hard time with all of this now and I feel awful because I can't console either one of them like they need it.

amymom replied: Oh Karen, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish I had something magical to say for you. But, alas I do not. However, I really think you are strong and will get through this and so will Kylie.

mckayleesmom replied: Maybe you can tell her a story about the hurricane victims...not going into too much detail, but basically telling her a story of her daddy being a hero to other little girls who need his help right now....Maybe you just have to describe his purpose in being there at a 3 year olds level.

mummy2girls replied: (((HUGS)))) karen... ((((HUGS)))) Kylie. Yes this must be from her daddy beiong gone. Dont worry hun it will get better, i think as time goes on she will adjust. This is her way of just dealing with this all. Its a big changer for her and for you. maby letting her sleep with you may help a bit.. i dont know what else to say. Its always been just me and jenna....

mckayleesmom replied: How about this story....


There once was a town called New Orleans. There were alot of people that lived there, mommies and daddies and lots of children. One year a big storm swept through the town and destroyed alot of things in its path, including most, if not all the homes and buildings in the town. All the mommies, daddies and little children now had nowhere to live, hardly any food to eat and they were really scared. There were two little sisters named Kayleigh and Marie that had lost everything in the storm. They only had their mommy and daddy and their parents were very worried about what they would do. A man named insert dh's name heard about the storm and felt really bad for the people that were stuck with no houses and little food. He had a family of his own. A wife and 2 little girls named Kylee and Megan. The man wanted to help, but he also didn't want to leave his wife and children. The man thought for days and days and worried about what to do. Finally, he decided to go, because he would want someone to help him and his family if they lived in New Orleans. When he got to New Orleans, he went right to work helping people build new houses, clean up the mess the storm left and return the town back to normal. One of the houses he built was for Kayleigh, Marie and their mommy and daddy. Kayleigh, Marie and their mommy and daddy were very thankfull for the help they recieved from ________. Had it not been for him, it would have taken much longer for them to be warm and safe. Soon the man got to go home. He was so happy to see his wife and little girls, Kylee and Megan. Being away made him realize how much he loved them and how good it felt to help other people when they need it.

~Roo'sMama~ replied: Brianne's story idea is a good idea. Other than that I don't know. Hopefully it will get better as she adjusts to him being gone. The only thing I can think of is for you to try to be as upbeat about it around her as you can ~ which I'm sure you are already trying to do... and I'm sure it's not easy. But maybe if she can sense you're sad about daddy being gone it makes her afraid that something is wrong? I'm not saying you're making it worse just tossing out ideas... I definitely wouldn't want to be in this situation. Hang in there Karen it will work out ok!

Another idea... do you have a calander made up where you can cross off each day together until he gets home? Being able to physically see the days going by might help her (and you) feel like there actually is an end in sight.

coasterqueen replied: Thanks everyone for your advice. I guess I will try that story Brianne, thanks. I have talked to her in depth about what daddy is doing and tried really hard to put it in her terms. That's why I told her that he's helping all the kids who lost their toys, home, etc and that's why he's gone. But to her she doesn't understand why he would help other kids when he has his own to take care of.

I guess I just have to give this all time and let her adjust on her own. I just hope I'm helping her as well as I should be. I don't show her whatsoever that I'm sad daddy is away. I did the first day to let her know that it's ok to be sad and to miss daddy, but that's it.

I ended up putting her in a pull-up last night and she was very upset about that. Not sure if it was the right thing to do or not, but I just need sleep. Both of these girls are keeping me up and I have no break from them. I just need sleep. I didn't want to take a chance of her peeing the bed again and keep us up.

Although they both did a good job of "playing" in the middle of the night last night.

TANNER'S MOM replied: Oh.. I am so sorry. And I know it makes your worry so much. I feel bad for all of you.. and I am sure daddy isn't sleeping all that well right now either.. I am sorry.

I think it will take her a while to get adjusted. And I think once she is in a rountine that she is more used to Daddy not being home it will be easier. And you may have to go back to a reward system for accidents and bedtime.. to help that along.

I love you and I hope that it gets easier. I know you are doing a great job and you are a better wife than I am.. I am way to selfish. You are going to get a great reward on judgement day for you love of other people girl!

Hugs to you!

Mel

~Roo'sMama~ replied:
Don't worry about whether you're helping her enough ~ it sounds like you are doing a great job.
I hope she starts feeling better soon!

A&A'smommy replied: I'm sorry hun I can't amagine how difficult this must be for you and the girls... When I was about Kylies age my dad went overseas for the gulf war TWICE for 6months at a time (maybe longer) the first time it was hard for me and my mom (it was just me and her) and then again when my brother was a baby he didn't notice and at first he didn't know him when he got back BUT after a few days he knew that was his daddy and while I missed my daddy I think it was MUCH MUCH harder on my mother and my daddy than it was on me. I'm NOT scarred and I'm sure my mother lost it with me a few times. And I promise I'm fine I was stuck to my daddy for a while when he got back lol but my parents didn't mind. And don't worry you are doing an amazing job I think I would be a mess if I was in your shoes. ((((((BIG HUGS)))))

jcc64 replied: You're doing fine, Karen. Take a deep breath, and remember that you CAN and WILL get through this. First off, Kylie's response is healthy and normal, and it's evidence that she is trying as best she can to process the separation. I would be more concerned if she WASN'T exhibiting signs of stress. I think the first thing you need to do is climb inside her head and figure out exactly what's stressing her out about Ryan's absence, aside from the obvious fact of merely missing his presence. I would guess that she is probably terrified that you are going to disappear next (kids this age are pretty predictable with their logic). You need to reassure up and down, right and left, inside and out that you are not going anywhere, and that you will be by her side every step of the way until Daddy returns. Second, in my experience, kids smell ambivalence and fear on us, I swear to god. Although I am certain you are doing a great job, I think that somewhere deep down, Kylie is picking up on your own insecurities and sadness about the separation, and it's unnerving her, kwim? I think you need to try as best you can to convince yourself that it's all gonna be fine, you're completely capable of handling this by yourself, and you'll come out it stronger. She will sense your strength and your positivity, and it will comfort her. "Mommy's on the job, everything's gonna be ok." This has always been my experience. When we've dealt with loss in my family (and by loss I'm speaking about death, not just separation), I've found that the kids' anxiety most definitely seems to peak around my own inability to keep it together, kwim? I'm not suggesting you're not keeping it together, Karen, please don't interpret this post that way. I think you know what I'm saying. Kylie will be ok with this when you're ok with it, REALLY ok. I think it would probably help to have her talk to Ryan as much as possible, and for you to make your separations from her as minimal as possible for the time being.
Anyway, gotta get back to work. Good luck hon, it's gonna be ok, really.

moped replied: I agree with all this, especially jcc64 because they do sense how we are feeling - I SWEAR IT

She will get adjusted - SORRY

coasterqueen replied:
Thanks Jeanne. I knew exactly what you meant. I think she is afraid I'm going to leave her, especially since I have to every day to go to work. She might be thinking daddy had to leave for work and isn't coming back for awhile so maybe mommy will too. Just maybe that's it. It's nerve wrecking to know that this means I won't get any break whatsoever, though, while he's gone. I mean, yes I get a break by going to work (if you can call that a break), but still.

I really don't think I'm expressing my stress and fear in anyway, but I guess it's possible she's sensing it. So far I'm actually not really stressed. I've been able to either talk with DH on the phone or via instant messenger many times a day. He also talks to the kids at least three times a day so far. I think I'll be more stressed when he leaves training for his assignment and he's working long days and can't talk to us like he's able to do now. But I'm sure you are right. We are running around like mad, and that's probably contributing. Yesterday after work we ran into town, got dinner, rushed to get groceries, rushed to put them away, and then rushed to get garbage down to the road before dark. It freaks me out to go all the way down to the road in the dark so I wanted to get garbage down there before then. So all that rushing probably stressed her too. Course I couldn't have done it any other way. We needed milk and some other small stuff badly and garbage had to go down because it was full and they came this morning. I have only 1/2 hour lunch now so I can pick them up from daycare on time so I can't possibly get to a grocery store in that amount of time. Oh well, I'll try to space things out better from now on.

Thanks again for your support.

kit_kats_mom replied: I agree with Jeanne too. I haven't had to deal with DH's long term absences but he is out of town at least a few days per month. I actually talk to K like I'm looking forward to it we do things we don't get to do when daddy is here like; eat our ice cream before dinner, play board games, stay up a bit later, pop popcorn and watch movies, sleep in mom's bed with Lauren and mom etc. We call them "girl time" and Katherine looks forward to it.

I actually end up working harder when he's gone and lord knows I'm bone tired by the time she passes out, but I'm having the most fun with the girls when he's gone. I think it's because I know that there is no one here to help out and so I try to not plan too many things (like work) that I have to do. That way I can really focus on them.

You will be fine dear.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Karen you are doing a great job...just as I knew you would. I agree with what the others have said and suggested. I know you and Kylie will be fine. Hang in there, okay?

angelhair replied: I think your doing fine. kids need reassurance and they look to adults for it and feel safe. my son woke up crying and i would need to go to his bed and ly down with him. sometimes he would just open his eyes and look at me when i was next to him and fall asleep. this was especially true when there was tension in the house when my dh and i went to marriage counseling to repair some things. i think kids can defenetly pick up any tension in the house and react to it. it can be hard not getting enough sleep and being on call 24 hours a day without the help of your hubby. i admire you for being able to do it. when my dh cames in sometimes from work i hand him the kids and take a brek. i do not think you are failing because it sounds like you are communicating to your girls that you love them and you are there for them. its just a three year old takes time to adjust to the absense and cannot understand it the way a adult can. take time and take care of yourself to. that is just as umportant. maybe have friends over if you can(you may already be doing that) take care love dee