Puzzled here?? - sorry this is long

Jamielou wrote: O.K. My feelings are hurt so bad I can really feel it in my chest. My heart really hurts. Anyway we got into this fight last night, about something really stupid, he got mad at me because I couldn’t untangle and get the kink out of the water hose and he had to come and fix it. Then he asked me to order him some hot wings he said he told me 20 but I thought he said 12 so I order 12. And he gets real mad at me starts huffing and being rude. A total jerk. So then I ask him to get me a cup of milk for laney he said get it your D### self. O.k. so now I am really pissed so I called him a stupid S.O.B. mistake but he was totally being one. He called me a b#$%* about a million times and told me I was stupid and couldn’t even call his order in right and he was really mad about this and I am thinking OMG what a f*&%$@# jerk it was a honest mistake I was cleaning and putting clothes in the dryer and I thought he said 12. Anyway so we start arguing again and he tells me he hates me and has hated me for 3 months and he hated to come home and see my car home and wishes I would stay away more. Then he said the sound of my voice makes him cringe all over he couldn’t stand for me to pull in the drive way and then he had to stress how much he hated me a million times. Oh and I am a pig headed B#$%$. Then he starts packing his stuff and says he is leaving so I act like I don’t even care I just keep rocking the baby and the whole time he is cursing me telling me I show him nothing I don’t do anything for him and I only care about laney, carley and myself. So I get laney laid down and go outside to cool off and just sit in the swing for a few minutes. He gets mad and comes out side grabs me by the arms and tells me he will get some emotion out of me if he had to knock my head off he makes me go inside to our room and shuts the door and wouldn’t let me out. And he tells me how I don’t care about him and how much of a B#$%& I am over and over. He said some more stuff but this is the bulk of it. Somebody tell me how this is normal and what I did wrong here???
o.k. so then I get out of the bedroom and go back outside to calm down and he plays his computer game for a while and i just go to bed, well then he trys to apologize. You cant take this back once you say things like this to somebody

Alice replied: In my opinion, it was a very heated argument.... until he threatened to hurt you. He "grabbed your arm" and locked you in a room?? Then it became a serious situation. You need help. Call a counselor now and get it.

mammag replied: I agree, you need help! It's bad that you both were calling each other names and cursing at eachother. He took it into a level of emotional and near physical abuse. That is not a situation the kids should be near, imo. It's just not a healthy environment. It sounds like he has some serious anger management issues and you don't want your girls learning from these incidents how to deal with their anger.

Hope you find some help and things get better for you.

lisar replied: Okay that is a lil harsh for me. If he was packing his stuff then I would have told him to leave. Honestly if my DH would have said those things to me I would have left. Girl I dont know what to tell you. Ask him why he said those things and then wanted to take them back. Those are some harh things to try and take back. I hope it gets better for ya. Good Luck

3_call_me_mama replied: I don't really have any advice to add because i am not in your situation adn don't want to imply that i would know what to do (other than cry) and protect my chhildren. Hugs to you, adn courage to do what you know is right. Bless you adn your family.

jcc64 replied: I'm sorry you're having a hard time. We all have fights and say hurtful things we really don't mean, but the level of his hostility clearly was out of proportion to the situation you described. At no time is it ok to physically force someone to do anything- particularly when that person undoubtedly is bigger and stronger than you. Put a stop to it now- before it escalates into something worse. It sounds like a counselor would be a good idea at this point.
Good luck, and again, I'm sorry.

mom2tripp replied: I think we have all been in a situation where we say things we regret to our spouse but there is a line that shouldn't be crossed especially in front of your children. If you want to work on things I think the best thing to do would be to talk to someone, your husband def. has a temper problem and locking you in the bedroom is def bordering abuse not to mention the grabbing of your arm. It's probably not an environment you want your kids to be around. I mean if ordering the wrong amount of chicken wings sent him off what would something bigger cause him to do? Hope you can find some help soon and start working on it:) My prayers are with you

amymom replied: My prayers are with you.

moped replied: I also am not in the situation, but this is not right IMO.........................ummmmm, does he have a bad temper all the time?

Jamielou replied:
He does but not to this extent. I dont know what set him off this bad but it def. wasnt just the food or anything. He has said hurtful things to me in the past. And so have i but we are trying to work things out and had told each other we would try to respect each other and not be demeaning to each other but we have a whole lot of things to work on but i think i need time to myself first. Thanks to all the replies.

ferocity302 replied: Ok maybe I'm wrong but I am angry and your replies ladies!


hello............ ABUSE babe get out now!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't worry about what you will do, where you will go or how you will get through it.

I have been in sooooooo many bad situations it's not funny. I had to learn the hard way.

I've been homeless with my kids, I've had to live in an alley in a camper behind a church, I've had to struggle, fight and claw my way through getting a job.

It will be ok...... the best thing to do is to get out quick. Find a shelter, find the local womens abuse hotline...... get out.

Get the essentials (birth certificates, social security cards, your ID, etc) and get out. Don't worry about the worldly things you are leaving behind. Your life and the life of your children are worth more than any of those things.

If you can't find support........ I'm here for you.

My last BF.......... I actually defended him in court after he abused me. I paid for his alcohol recovery, I paid for his probation officer, I helped him through counceling, I supported him totally for 3 1/2 years. After he finally got his own job he decided it was HIS money and I would get an allowance for bills.

I told him to take his money and go live with his mom. I know it doesn't get better first hand.

Girl........ you are worth the world and the world is lucky to have you. Don't let some abusive man make you feel like you aren't.

mammag replied:
I'm confused, you are saying you are mad at our replies, am I correct? If so, I'm not sure I understand quite why except that you are saying she should leave post haste. Well, that of course, is for her to decide. I can only defend what I said, to get help. From the way it sounded he was being emotional abusive, I agree, however, not knowing more of the situation I am not going to advise her to leave right now just based on what she said. I don't know they're relationship so I just said "get help" whatever help she deems necessary is up to her.

Now, if she said he hit her my reply would have been much different. Do I think she should leave, maybe but I can't say that I would have left. We don't have enough information, don't know what he was going through at the time, etc. You can't project your past onto them and their relationship without knowing them personally.

JAYMESMOM replied: The physical grabbing and locking you in your room would classify as abuse. If hot wings are setting him off you do not know what he will do next. I would contact a counselor or a local women's shelter. Next time you may not be so lucky.

We all say mean things but we don't all physically grab the other person and lock them in a room.

Your children do not need to live in an environment like that and neither do you.

Domestic abuse is not fun and I am not saying he can't change but he has to want to change and prove to you that he can.

Counseling may work but don't be fooled by the fact that he is going - watch for a change. Maybe suggest he stay somewhere else during this time.

Sometimes men do not know how to handle their anger and don't mean to do what they are doing but respond to their environment in the way they were brought up.

I would suggest individual counseling as well as couples therapy.

Hang in there and feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

ferocity302 replied: I felt that the replies were so ....... cushy. This is a serious situation and not one to take lightly. I am so happy for anyone who has not experienced abuse and understand that those who have not experienced it first hand really can't know what the signs are or know that these situations don't just occur out of the blue...... they build from smaller incidents.

ok...... angry is the wrong wording..... disappointed.

With as much abuse that goes on in the world......... we need to stick together. There are so many out there that feel alone and don't know how to reach out for help..... to take that step in a forum of some who you "know" and strangers is so brave.

No, I am not projecting my past relationships on anyone...... I'm talking from experience to know how these things will build and how blind we are to the signs and make excuses for those "little things" or he didn't mean it or he only does it when....

I only wish someone would have been so bold early on in my past to say to me...... Get out......your worth more than this. So, I have made a point to be that bold person. It might save a life some day, whether it be an abused adult or an abused child.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I don't know what to say. All I know is that it will be hard to get through this without professional help. His apologies may feel good at the moment, but it doesn't mean it won't happen again. I'll be thinking about you...

mammag replied: Just to clarify, I have experienced it to a similar extent of what it sounds like she experienced...it got worse a couple of times. Not by dh but by my father. He was emotionally abusive and a few times it became much more. I am not saying she shouldn't leave, only that it is her decision but that she definitely needs help as he minimally has anger management issues that need to be dealt with.

Anyway, my heart does go out to you HOTMAMA. I hope things improve for you and you are able to do what's best for you and your girls.

Jamielou replied: I really appreciate everyones opinions. I totally agree with you, If we plan on staying together he has to stop drinking and we need some kind of prof. help. I have also been through a emotionally abusive relationship with my first husband. Got out of that and made it on my own without his help with our daughter for 4 years so I know I can make it on my own but thanks for the concern ferocity302. I have my parents and my sister is like my best friend so they are here for me. I am not makeing excuses for him but he is not always this abusive i think things just got out of hand and he couldnt control his temper(still no excuse). But we are discussing living apart for a while to deal with the underlying problems. Thanks again to everyone.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Sounds like you know what to do. Good luck!

gr33n3y3z replied:
Ok for starters we dont know the whole story and its hard to base something that was posted here. There is always 2 sides to every story and were not here to pass judement on anyone.
As far as I read everyone told her to get help which is a good thing.
So its up to her to get the help she needs to get.

And I agree she should have her papers in order just incase bc you never know and they should be kept in a spot so you can grab them not just in case of getting Abused for many other reasons.

But I do have to ask HOTMAMA a few questions
1. Are you alound to go out alone?
2.Are you kept from your family and friends?
3.Has he ever hit you before and makes it seem its your fault?
4.When he grabbed your arms did he leave a bruise?


And when you said the Quote ferocity302 that I put here
what did you mean by that?

Jamielou replied:
Well first of all I am aloud to go out alone, it didnt leave a bruise,and i can go around my family and no he has never punched or slapped me...and when i said that to ferocity302 i was thanking this person for the concern they had about the situation. But kindly letting her know i have been here before and have been put in a position to go it alone and made it just fine. I posted this for support and opinions from people who may or may not have ever been in this type situation its always good for me to get others opinions. I however did not post this to get drilled.

gr33n3y3z replied: Very good and well said
I think you have noithing to worry about personally but thats just MO

And I think you should talk to him and let him know you dont like to be treated that way with that said I hope everything cools down and things get on the right track

ferocity302 replied: I mean I was blind to go from one abusive situation to another. If a person has been in one in the past and seems to be going from one to another...... time for some heavy duty thinking.

I had to figure out that I was worth more. It took me a long time and it was wasted time of my life (although, I now know what to look for and can appreciate myself and my b/f in the way he treats me because of the learning I had to do)

That is where the experience has come from. So, I can see where a person may need to look at the pattern of the people they are with. I had to and I am not saying she or anyone else is in the same boat.

There is more to abuse then physical abuse.

Here is some info I have:

Women are five to eight times as likely as men to be victims of domestic violence by intimate partners.

Each year, between one and four million men and women in the U.S. are abused by current or former spouses, live-in partners, boyfriends, or girlfriends.

A common pattern of domestic abuse is that the perpetrator alternates between violent, abusive behavior and apologetic behavior with apparently heartfelt promises to change. The abuser may be very pleasant most of the time. Therein lies the perpetual appeal of the abusing partner and why many people are unable to leave the abusive relationship.

Domestic abuse is most often one of the following:

What is the definition of domestic abuse between intimate partners?
Domestic abuse between spouses or intimate partners is when one person in a marital or intimate relationship tries to control the other person. The perpetrator uses fear and intimidation and may threaten to use or may actually use physical violence. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

The key elements of domestic abuse are:

intimidation
humiliating the other person
physical injury
Domestic abuse is not a result of losing control; domestic abuse is intentionally trying to control another person. The abuser is purposefully using verbal, nonverbal, or physical means to gain control over the other person.

What are the types of domestic abuse?
The types of domestic abuse are:

physical abuse (domestic violence)
verbal or nonverbal abuse (psychological abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse)
sexual abuse
stalking or cyberstalking
economic abuse or financial abuse
spiritual abuse
The divisions between these types of domestic abuse are somewhat fluid, but there is a strong differentiation between the various forms of physical abuse and the various types of verbal or nonverbal abuse.

What is physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner?
Physical abuse is the use of physical force against another person in a way that ends up injuring the person, or puts the person at risk of being injured. Physical abuse ranges from physical restraint to murder. When someone talks of domestic violence, they are often referring to physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner.

Physical assault or physical battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside a family or outside the family. The police are empowered to protect you from physical attack.

Physical abuse includes:

pushing, throwing, kicking
slapping, grabbing, hitting, punching, beating, tripping, battering, bruising, choking, shaking
pinching, biting
holding, restraining, confinement
breaking bones
assault with a weapon such as a knife or gun
burning
murder
What is emotional abuse or verbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner?
Mental, psychological, or emotional abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Verbal or nonverbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner consists of more subtle actions or behaviors than physical abuse. While physical abuse might seem worse, the scars of verbal and emotional abuse are deep. Studies show that verbal or nonverbal abuse can be much more emotionally damaging than physical abuse.

Verbal or nonverbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner may include:

threatening or intimidating to gain compliance
destruction of the victim’s personal property and possessions, or threats to do so
violence to an object (such as a wall or piece of furniture) or pet, in the presence of the intended victim, as a way of instilling fear of further violence
yelling or screaming
name-calling
constant harassment
embarrassing, making fun of, or mocking the victim, either alone within the household, in public, or in front of family or friends
criticizing or diminishing the victim’s accomplishments or goals
not trusting the victim’s decision-making
telling the victim that they are worthless on their own, without the abuser
excessive possessiveness, isolation from friends and family
excessive checking-up on the victim to make sure they are at home or where they said they would be
saying hurtful things while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and using the substance as an excuse to say the hurtful things
blaming the victim for how the abuser acts or feels
making the victim remain on the premises after a fight, or leaving them somewhere else after a fight, just to “teach them a lesson”
making the victim feel that there is no way out of the relationship

My point in all of it is.............. Do what you think is best for you but please don't disregard the signs and stay safe.

Yes this subject is one that I am extremely passionate about and if I have offended anyone by my boldness I appologize.......... If I have saved a life by my experience and willingness to bring it out....... I do not need to know.... I am just happy knowing it may make a difference.

gr33n3y3z replied:
ferocity302
Well thats how it usually goes
Only bc they beat you down to the point thats all you know
I'm glad you got on the right track bc you are a better person then that and all woman and men are better then that and yes I said men bc there is alot of abuse done to men also.

I'm impressed you did your home work on this matter
Abuse is Abuse wether its physical or mental or sexual

And only the judge can say what line they fall under
But only if the the woman/man reports it. And most do not much less admit to it even if all the signs are there.

Keep your head on stright and go forward always dont step back in the trap any more Good Luck to you always.