Question... - Sensitive subject***Death mentioned....

punkeemunkee'smom wrote: One of our very good friends has passed He and his wife have been friends of Bill and I since we first got married. He has been sick for a little over a year but was getting better when his cancer spread and he went very quickly His service is tomorrow. Here is my question. He also meant alot to Taylor. He was always so kind to her and when we were at the Stock show he took her to see the horses and such up close. He was a cowboy hero to her...now she wants to go to the service. He was cremated so I am not worried about a casketbut I am concerned as to how she will handle it and if it is appropriate for her age. She knows he had to go to heaven she sobbed when she learned of his passing as she was just asking to go see him (she had made him a card) I want her to be able to say her goodbyes but I don't know if seeing everyone so upset will help her or make it all too big for her to deal with...I am also very worried about her seeing his wife because she talked very briefly last night about how we would feel if we were Ms. Sandy (his wife)

lisar replied: Lexi went to her first one when she was 5. It was Papa's service. She did alot better than any of us ever expected her to. She got a little upset and ran to the bathroom once but all of the girls in the family went in there and talked to her. It was an open casket and I think that is what got to her though. If he meant alot to her then I say take her with you.

And I am so sorry about your friend.

CantWait replied: I have no answer for the question really other then to say that she seems to understand that everyone will be very upset and maybe it would be good for her to say goodbye, either way she's going to be one sad little girl.

My condolences to his family and to yours.

Our Lil' Family replied: Based on Taylor's maturity level I'd think she'd be able to handle it. I'm sorry to hear about your loss Ab.

sparkys2boys replied: First, I am sorry for your loss

I think every child is diffrent and some can handle things well and others can not. I think if she is asking to go then I would let her but would watch her closely and if you think it's getting to be to much then just quietly leave and talk to her openly and answer her questions.

Once again I am very sorry

punkeemunkee'smom replied: Thanks ya'll...I do feel like she deserves to be able to go and say goodbye to him She asked this morning if they would have 'speeches' and if they did could she say one? I asked her what she would say and she said I would just say that I loved Mr. Prater. He was a good man and a good friend. He was a good cowboy and I am going to miss him so much I really have not cried much yet because I have been trying to be as positive for her as I can-you know...he is not sick anymore and he is happy just waiting for all the rest of us to join him but I almost lost it when she said those things! I hope he knew how deeply he touched her life and ours!

jcc64 replied: I'm sorry for your loss, Abbie.
About kids and death: I think unless there's a profound resistance, and obviously that's not the case here, kids should be involved in all of our rituals. Death is an integral part of life, and you have the added benefit of a firmly resolved religious conviction surrounding life after death to give her comfort. Corey was 2.5 when my dad and grandmother passed, my boys were 9 and 12. It was obviously much harder on them, but I think most of their upset at the wake and funeral came by proxy--when the adults were particularly upset, it rubbed off on them. They were picking up on the sadness all around them rather than the actual death itself, which is just a very difficult concept for a kid to grasp. Nonetheless, saying good-bye is part of the healing process.

lovemy2 replied: Personally I would be leary of taking her to a VIEWING of the person - that is in my opinion CERTAINLY NOT how you want them to remember that person - however I think the service (if this is how its going to be done) is more appropriate - again this is my opinion which is based very largely on my own kids - I didn't take Olivia to the calling hours or the service - still not sure I made teh right decision leaving her out of the service but she is a worrier and I was so afraid that her seeing all of US upset and scared and sad woudl make her more fearful and sad - in the end she has done well - she grieves in her own way - I have helped her talk about it, we have read books about it - etc. You know Tay, you know how she will react. Kids ARE resilient but sometimes they are resilient in the moment if you KWIM? They may be fine at the actual viewing but lose their minds about it later - Olivia was surprisingly calm when we told her about Great Great and about two months later it all came out in many different ways - good luck - it is a very difficult situation and in my opinion one of the hardest decisions to make with younger children

ps- so very sorry for your loss as well - don't forget to grieve yourself

BAC'sMom replied:
I agree more along the lines with Christine. If she was mine I would not take her. I think a nice private ceremony with just you too would be fine. Maybe a balloon release to heaven, and quiet walk or just a talk and remember what a special man he was.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

lisar replied:
Lexi and Austin my sisters ds does this release a ballon thing for our mom on our birthdays. They send the ballon up and they say it goes to Grandma so that she can celebrate their birthdays with them.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: Oh no-If he was going to be there I would not be taking her at all. He was cremated...I don't think she would even do well seeing a coffin and def not an open casket but as far as I know the family was going to scatter his ashes together todayso really there will just be pictures and memories.

luvmykids replied: I'm always torn on this kind of thing, but we haven't actually had to deal with it yet so I can't say with any certainty what I would do. My parents didn't let me go to my grandpa's funeral when I was in third grade because they thought it would be too hard for me, and to this day I wish they'd have let me say my "good bye". On the other hand, when my grandma died many of my cousins were there and I remember thinking they were too young....basically what I'm trying to say is, I do think it depends on the child and the type of service. In this case it sounds like it would do Taylor good to have the kind of closure that although painful, allows US to feel better, kwim?

I'm so sorry, many prayers for all of you who loved him

boyohboyohboy replied: I am sorry for your loss also.

I think if I were in your shoes, how about after he is buried, you allow her to go to the cemetary and take flowers and let her say what she wants to say to him there, or leave him something at his grave site?

that way she can say goodbye and have closure,but she doesnt have to exposed to the grief of the other family members, that might be a little scary.
I agree she has always sounded like a very mature and intellegent little girl, and she might be just fine, as she seems to talk to you about her feelings, but it would be easier on her if she just went to the site later on.

maybe she could even write her thoughts down for a sympathy card for the wife later on? I think she would enjoy hearing how her husband had such an impact on her.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: There won't be a gravesite...he was cremated. I think from making a few calls this will be of a memorial service than a funeral...I have explained it all to her and she is still holding that she wants to go. Bill is trying to get back from the panhandle in time to be with us and I think that if Daddy is there it will help alot too!

boyohboyohboy replied:
I am sorry, when my parents are cremated they are still being buried. I guess i just assumed.
I bet with both of you at her side she will be just fine, and her faith will get her thru it.

lovemy2 replied:
Take the cues from her but remember (and I am sure you know this and will) be careful of how YOUR grief will affect her too - sometimes they don't know the difference between us - parents - being sad and being scared - and there are others there saying things, talking, all appropriate talk for an adult but maybe not so much a child - and remember too that in a month it may all come out again some other way - it took me a week to figure out where Olivia's major behavior changes (not misbehaving but sudden fear of EVERYTHING) came from two months after Great Great died -

You will make the right decision - in the end you are the only one who knows Tay and even if after the fact it turned out to not be such a good idea you will know how to lead her through it

A&A'smommy replied: First of all I'm SO sorry for your loss!! I think if she was close to him that I would take her and let her have that closer

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I'm so sorry to hear about your friends passing! I would definately take Taylor with you to the service, she may understand more than you realize.

luvbug00 replied: I'm so sorry for you and your dear friends family. I say let her go. I agree that death is part of life and another part is saying goodbye.

gr33n3y3z replied: So sorry to hear this Abbie
And my prayers are with his family and yours

We had to deal with that samething when my Mom died but my kids were smaller and seen my Mom going down hill
We decided that they should remember her living and all the wonderful times they had not laying there in that state.

With my Father we left it up to the kids if they wanted to attend his services bc they were older and they all chose not to attend also they wanted to remember their poppop the way he was.

Nina J replied: Involving children in the process, such as the funeral, is an important part of the greiving process.

Funeral's are always hard, I have never forgotten a funeral I have been to. It's been just over a year since I went to my last funeral, for a teenage boy killed in a car crash

I think she is mature enough to handle it, it will help her a lot and give her the chance to say goodbye.

redchief replied: I'm sorry for your loss, Abbie.

I think Taylor will hold up OK at that type of service, especially if it is one of celebrating the life of a person who had a profound impact on people. He obviously holds a special place in your heart and in Taylor's.