Question about Cheating Spouse - Not mine thankfully!!

Melmel wrote: Okay, I haven't been on here for awhile, but I thought all of you would be good people to ask for advice.

My Brother is Cheating on his wife of 13 years who he has 4 children with. The kids range from 12 to 10 months. (I know this because he has confided in me)

I have never been close to my SIL. She has always been rude to my family. Unfriendly and Mean. Example: The first time I took my husband over to their house, She didn't even say Hello. Didn't say ONE word to him. She didn't even look at him, just sat on the computer and made everyone uncomfortable. Since my Brother has been cheating on her, she has called me a few times for advice. She called and said she had packed his things and didn't know what to do. Mind you.... she doesn't think he is sleeping with the woman, she just knows that they have kissed. The woman he is having an affair with, he tells me he has never gotten over, has always thought about her and dreamed of her.(they have known each other since grade school, but never really dated.) This woman was my Roomate when I first moved away from home. We had lost touch, but recently started to talk a little, via email and myspace.
My SIL can't believe that I have this woman as a friend on myspace. This has become a real issue for her. She insists that I take the woman off. I refuse. The reason that I refuse is that My relationship with this woman has nothing to do with my Brother. The other reason is that my SIL and I have never been close and I don't want her thinking she can control me. Am I being silly, given the situation? I really like my Brothers "other woman". I am not socializing with her outside of the emails, as I don't want to fuel my brothers passion for her. Like.... oh look my family loves her. I don't talk to her about my SIL at all.
I think if SIL wants to be upset with anyone it should be her husband and not me.
I do NOT want my brother to get Divorced, I feel he is chasing a Fantasy that will never be. I have always advised him in this way when he asks for advice. I just don't know what I should do. I know Entirely too much about it all, and my SIL has asked several times what I think is going on. Would you tell her?? I don't want to betray my brother. I just hate being put in this spot. Why would my brother tell me what he has done. (the extent of the cheating is awful). If it were my husband I would want to know. Except that we are talking about my Brother!! I don't know what to do, other than Keep my mouth shut and stay out of it as much as possible.
I have also hidden my friends on my myspace, but I know that will just fuel SIL to be upset with me. Seems Childish to me, I am not sure how I got wrapped up in this.
Thanks in advance for any advice. I truly value all of your opinions.
Mel

mckayleesmom replied: Well...I would just tell them both that this is THEIR marriage and to leave you out of it. When the SIL asks you what is going on....tell her to direct her question to your brother.

I would also advise my brother that if he is so in love with this other woman, then he needs to cool it and take the proper way out of his marriage. Not cheat. That is disrespectful regardless of the characteristics of his wife. Tell her that he was once in love with this woman and owes her that much. If he wants to save his marriage then he needs to stop all contact with the other woman. He needs to stop being a coward and be a man...sorry. Does he really want to throw away 12 (or more) years of marriage with a woman that might or might not even work out? Also, if he does decide to work on his marriage then he needs to come clean. His wife deserves to know and make the decision for herself, not to mention get tested for diseases.

As for my friend, I would remain friends with her, but I would lose alot of respect for her. I know you said that you don't talk to her about the situation, but maybe you should. Does she realize that she is wrecking a family? Ask her what she thinks will happen when things get old with her?

Marriage is not all peaches and cream. It takes work and people have their ups and downs, but you have to work on it. You don't just find something better when you get bored with it...especially when you have kids. Karma is a b*&^h and chances are high that he would do the same thing to her when he is bored with her.

Melmel replied:
[QUOTE]
I have told him this and he says he has tried and that he just can't stop seeing this other woman.
As for the other woman, I have said "How could you do what you are doing?" She said that she Feels awful about it and she asked my brother to stop calling her and trying to see her until he had things figured out, and the Wimp said, I am not going to stop calling you. My brother has never really been a "Man" about anything. I have lost much more respect for him than for the Other woman. I have always felt that the Person who is in the marriage is the one to place blame on.
I agree that no matter what my SIL is like, he has absolutely no grounds to do what he is doing to her. I didn't mention how she is with our family to make it as though she deserves this, she doesn't at all. I only wanted to set the tone for My relationship with her.

mom2my2cuties replied:
Yup - everything she said.


I would DEFINATELY tell them to leave it out!

And I would tell your brother that if he continues to tell you of the exploits with your friend, that you are morally obligated to tell his wife.

mckayleesmom replied:
Well...if he refuses to listen and so does she....Then just tell them to leave you out of it....And as someone said before...Tell him that if he continues to share with you, then tell him that whatever comes out of his mouth will become common knowledge.

Also...how would your brother feel if someone was treating you this way? I would ask him that.

mom2my2cuties replied: I would tell your brother flat out -

You are putting me in an unfair position, not only with your wife, but with my friend also. I would really appreicate if you left me out of this from now on, and if you can't do that, then (this is the hard part) I can not be around you. (Not saying cutting him off - I do not believe in that - just avoid the situation) And then tell him if you and friend truly want to be together, you will do it properly and not sneak around. And also include that most relationships that start with sneaking around, do not usually last because the "excitement" of sneaking around is gone.

And then tell your Sister In Law -

I am sorry you and my brother are having marital problems. However, I can not solve them for you and while was inappropriate with my friend, I am not going to just stop being friends with her because of bad judgement on my borthers part. And while I can understand why you are upset, and your feelings are completely justified, my relationship with friend is not something that is available for discussion now or in the future and you would appreciate it if she would not bring it up again.

And then tell your friend -

I understand that you and my brother are involved, however, you do realize he has wife and children and that you are destroying thier home and marriage. If you and my brother truly want to be together then you should do it properly and not continue to hurt his wife & children needlessly. And also include that most relationships that start with sneaking around, do not usually last because the "excitement" of sneaking around is gone.

CantWait replied: Just ask your brother how he feels about those 4 wonderful kids that he's got???
Sooner or later, it's going to come out, and they are the ones that are going to be paying for it, and possibly him as well.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
Ditto!!!

redchief replied: I don't think you really want advice. I think you really want absolution. It's not coming. I agree with what mckayleesmom and mom2my2cuties have said, but somehow I don't think that's going to make you feel a whole lot better. There's a lot of guilt running around, and like mice, eventually guilt is seen and trapped. Good luck to your brother and the whole rectangle of lies and deceit that's been woven here. It's all going to come undone eventually.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
It always does...

redchief replied:
That particular scenario is exactly the type that has the potential to become violent when it all unravels too. I pray that won't happen in this case.

Melmel replied:

I just hope that I am able to distance myself and my family from this before that all comes to a head.
Thank you to all of you who replied.

redchief replied:
I'm much more worried about the children than the childish adults.

gr33n3y3z replied: he needs to be tossed right out of the door with nothing to wear

If I knew my brother was cheating on his wife I would tell his wife regardless whether he was my brother or not. Its wrong and vice versa.
And would I talk to the person who he is cheating with Heck NO!!!!! she better get her running shoes on bc I would so be after her bc she knows what she is doing and so does he and its wrong bc when I was done with her my brother would be next.
I hope she leaves him and takes the kids from him he deserves everything he gets.