Questions about death from a 5 year old

MommyToAshley wrote: Ashley has been talking about and asking a lot of questions about death lately. We haven't had any recent deaths in the family, and she's never been to a funeral except when she was around a year old and didn't have a clue what was going on. I know she is just trying to figure things out, and I try to answer her questions honestly. But, I don't think I am doing a good job of answering things on a level she can understand.

Plus, I don't want to scare her. She asked when I was going to die, and I told her that we don't know when anyone will die. Then she says that she wants to go to Heaven with me because she'd miss me too much. I know she is just trying to express her feelings and doesn't fully understand what she is saying, but it was a bit disturbing, yet sweet, to hear that.

So, I am looking for some suggestions, tips, or resources that will help me to do a better job of answering her questions.

luvmykids replied: I don't like those questions either I'm sure there are some good books out there.

I try to be honest too but don't ever feel like I'm making sense on their level, I'm curious to see what suggestions are out there.

Nina J replied: I would try to answer honestly. If I were asked when I was going to die, I'd say I don't know, hopefully when I am an old lady.

I don't know if you're religious or not, but if you are, a good way to reduce fear of death is to talk about Heaven as well. For example, with the wanting to die at the same time because she'd miss you, I might've said you would miss me until we saw each other again in Heaven. Plus, you could mention that you would always be there. But then I'd probably add that Ashley doesn't have to worry about these things, because most people die when they are old and have grandkids and often great grandkids.

Do you have the news on in your house? Perhaps she's seen some of the news coverage regarding Heath Ledger??

AlexsPajamaMama replied: My grandfather passed away in April, Alex was very close to him and still talks about Papa and I have told him about Heaven and the angels are taking care of him.
He doesnt understand why people die, I have tried explaining best I can that when people are old and very sick the doctors cant always make them better. Its a hard topic to discuss with little kids.
There are lots of books about this, check out Amazon.

gr33n3y3z replied: My kids went through that also
Thank God it doesnt last long
Just answer her honestly bc they learn it in church and school right around that age

lovemy2 replied: My father died when I was 29 - there is a big picture of him on our mantle - Olivia asks alot about our families - who is your mom, your dad, your grandma, etc. etc. She knows her Mema is my Mom, her Great Great is Mema's mom, Grandma and Grandpa are Daddy's mom and Dad and she always says now and your Daddy is in heaven with the baby elephant - we had a pregnant elephant at our zoo - it was a big deal - of course the poor baby died (I guess its rare that they would be born alive in captivity) anyway there was so much media over this for the whole what is it two years that the elephant was pregnant that all the kids knew something about it and when the baby died it was horrible - so Olivia knows the baby elephant is in heaven and now she equates everyone that goes to heaven to being with the baby elephant

I answers as honestly as I can - she hasn't yet asked about one of us dying.....

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Maddie went thru this, too Dee Dee. Kids must have this acute awareness of these types of things. She never met Scotty's mom, but you would think the two are soul mates by the way she talks about her. She has never forgotten anything we say about her. It's so weird. But she went thru this phase of being afraid that everyone she loved was going to die.

And then of course we just lost my grandmother and I think my mother did an excellent job explaining it to my kids. They still talk about her and say they miss her. Ethan is now going thru this thing where he talks about people dying.

I know I didn't help much. I bet you could find a good book out there that would better help her understand it. Just keep it simple.

Christine that story about the elephant made me cry. I love elephants...that just breaks my heart. I saw a documentary on elephants one time. It was so touching.

lovemy2 replied:
It is quite interesting and I mean it when I say it was a media hype for the entire two years this elephant was pregnant - there was something on about it at least once a week and it was so sad when the baby didn't make it - I know for the sake of science and continuing the species that its good to try to have a baby elephant born in captivity but the odds of it actually being born alive I guess are slim to none - I always have felt so bad for the momma elephant - her name is Jennie - and she still looks sad to me everytime I see her - after the baby died kids left all kinds of flowers and cards, etc. for her - it was very touching -

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
Oh I believe the hype surrounding the pregnancy. It's much like the baby panda born in Atlanta's zoo. It's a big deal.

Elephants grieve much the same as humans grieve. It's incredibly sad. In this documentary, a young elephant dies and the mother lingered over its body forever. The other elephants came over, paid their respects and waited, and waited and waited on the mother. They never left her, but they waited in the distance so she would have her time and space to say goodbye to her baby. When she was ready, they continued on their journey. Elephants also mate for life.

A&A'smommy replied: ohhh that poor momma elephant!!!!

Dee Dee I would just be honest with her!!!

jcc64 replied: I think she's trying to process the finality of death, something we all have difficulty with. But I think it comes up around Ashley's age b/c they are beginning to differentiate between fantasy and reality. She's also likely looking for some reassurance that you're not going to be checking out anytime soon, which you obviously can't guarantee, but my kids were pretty happy with the following response:
Every living thing has a limited life cycle, we all die eventually to make room for new babies on the earth, but not usually until we've lived long lives together. Sometimes people die before they're really old, but it's very rare and unlikely to happen to Daddy and me. By the time we're old, you'll be grown with a family of your own. Family members do feel sad and miss each other when they pass, but we all live on forever in each other's hearts and memories and ways in which we live our lives.

My kids have all dealt with death up close b/c my grandmother and my dad both passed away within a few months of each other. Corey was 2 at the time, but she absorbed quite a bit about the process, and of course she knows she doesn't see them anymore. She talks about both of them ALOT, and if I was inclined to believe in an afterlife, I'd swear it's b/c they're still around her in some way. I mean, do you remember all that much about what went on when you were 2? It's pretty interesting.
Dee Dee, I'm sure having a strong faith makes the whole death thing much easier to accept and explain to a child. Why don't you ask your pastor for suggestions?

sparkys2boys replied: As most of you know we just went through this in Oct with Dh's mom passing away and it was no fun trying to explain what was going on to the kids. She was sick for only a month so it was very quick which made it harder. Cameron who is 5 asked silly questions about it at times but we answered him honestly in ways that he could grasp. And DH had a talk to him one night and said you know that you can still talk to mame(what they called her) and she can hear you.. Cam thought this was great that she was an angel and was always listening to him and watching over him. Paul also told him it would be nice to when he said his prayers at night to say a prayer for mame and to say nite to her.. which still now he does almost all the time. Logan on the other hand who is 9 didn't ask questions and didn't want to know much about it, But I know he understands what happended and its his own way of dealing with it. It bothers me though and I wish he would talk to us because he was VERY VERY close to mame and I often can tell when he is thinking of her or having a hard time with it which he still does alot but will not talk to us on it. He has always dealt with things his own way and he not the talking kind of child. I think that all you can do is be honest with them and not scare them in the process of it and try not to give more info then they can absorb for there age.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: Taylor went through this and still asks questions every now and again. It is SO HARD because death is something I have always had a hard time with. I wish I had the answers Dee Dee! I have left it that mostly people die when they are old and have been on earth for many more years than Mommy and Daddy. For now that has calmed her fears about being left without me I hope you find some way to explain it to Ashley's satisfaction! Where is the owner's manuel when you need it???

coasterqueen replied: Kylie thinks about death entirely too much, IMO . We discuss it with her and are completely honest with her. Unfortunately we've had several members of our family die as well as two pets that she's had to witness so Kylie understands it. She has more problems with the religious aspect of death.

Kaitlin'smom replied: Kaitlin has asked me this also, it was heartbreaking. I just answered simply and honetly. Thankfully that has been enough so far. She has lost a fish and a frog and grandpa B in florida a few years ago, I did find it easier to explain the fish and frog for her I think it made it easier to learn and accept death as a part of a cycle. I dont look foward to the day when she loses someone closer to her, but I will do everything I can for her to help her heal and remember them.

grapfruit replied: Death is a hard subject, and unfortunatly, I don't think it's easily grasped unless you lose somebody.

I know that when my brother's dad died that was his first MAJOR experience with it, mine too actually. It was awful, it was almost 7 years ago and I STILL cry about it. (like now, and last night)

I guess it makes me sad to know that he's missing all what Ryan is, and is doing. He's such a great kid. I know he can see him, but he can't sit in the front row and see him KWIM?

I think being honest is the best course of action...