Questions on spanking ..

dancermother wrote: Heyy everyone. I'm new here, and I came across this site. I have a 4 year old daughter, and im a single mother as of 3 years ago when my husband left. I'm perfectly okay with it, and dating my best friend since about a year ago. Not looking for pitty, just explaining.

But I have a huge question. And I dont mean to start a debate. But how many of you spank? If so, how often, how hard, ever with anything, until what age, wearing what?

I wasnt spanked growing up, and I orginally didnt want to do it becuase i really didnt understnad the whole concept, but time outs, no, and taking things away dont seem to work anymore. Not a lot of my friends were growing up, and most dont do it now, or wont admit it. Advice would help.

This seems like a great place, from the other things ive read through.

Nina J replied: I don't spank, at all. Violence is violence, however hard you spank...at least, thats what I think. My hands are for loving, not hurting. But, I don't have anything against parents who do chose that form of punishment.

C&K*s Mommie replied: to these boards dancermother, glad you decided to join.

If you are not comfortable with spanking then I would suggest trying other forms of punishment. I have not read the entire book, but a friend once suggested the book by the SuperNanny lady (Jo ______- I cannot remember her last name) she even e-mailed me a couple of suggestions from the book that seemed good. Anyhow, since there are no handbooks on parenting, I would suggest still searching for something that you are comfortable with in the end.

I hope you find answers here or otherwise that can give you encouragement to proceed in whatever direction you feel most inclined to. Good to have you on these Parenting Club boards.

Kentuckychick replied: I was spanked growing up and I plan to spank my children if it's ever necessary (of course... I don't plan for it to ever be necessary! )
For some children, time outs do.not.work. Just as for some children spankings don't work. We were never beaten, nor were we ever even spanked hard enough to make a mark... it wasn't violent at all. More like a "swat" to the backside that said to us "straighten up and do it right now!" Spankings were reserved for certain behaviors (backtalk, eye rolling, disrespect etc...) We never got spanked as a punishment for hitting, but then again, I don't remember any of us ever hitting.

I think to spank or not to spank is the decision of the parent and I don't agree or disagree either way.

TheOaf66 replied: We use this as a last resort but sometimes nothing else works for the boy, there has been 2 occasions where he got no warnings because he absolutely knew better, both times are when he bit me and I mean hard enough to leave marks through my clothes. I don't spank often but when I do he knows he got spanked. Whenever Jennie does she does it way to light (she showed me how hard she spanks) and he doesn't get the full message from her I don't think. I don't think every kid needs it but some are stubborn and it is the only thing that works sometimes. But there are people out there that spanking is their first response and I don't agree with that.

jem0622 replied: I think that you will get a variety of responses because it is such a sensitive and personal topic. We prefer to do timeouts or take away priviledges (and I make sure that I choose ones that really matter to them so that they get what I'm saying).

lisar replied: I will try a million and one things before I spank. It is a last resort. But most of the time Lexi knows I am not playing when I tell her "If I tell you again I am gona spank you" That normally does the trick for me. I have only had to spank her a handful of times.

gr33n3y3z replied: I never spanked my children UNLESS it was something serious and at that it was a love tap on the diaper but they thought it was something major and cried lol all I really had to do was give them the look

Kentuckychick replied:
I think that's the funny thing... I can probably count on my hands the number of times I got spanked in my entire childhood. Most of the time all my parents had to say was "I am going to spank you" and that was all it took. I wasn't that we were afraid of getting spanked or anything because honestly I don't remember spanking ever hurting anything but my pride, but it was something in that phrase that we knew that they meant business and we absolutely weren't going to get away with whatever we were doing.

jcc64 replied: I have never laid a hand on any of my kids (oldest is now 14)- and I know I never will. If the message you are trying to deliver is self control- then the example needs to start at the top. If the message you are trying to deliver is that acting out physically (biting, hitting, etc) is wrong, why on earth would you employ the exact same behavior to make that point? I am certain that I can always find a way to express my intentions verbally, and I intend to teach my kids the same thing. I think it's hypocritical to expect that while simultaneously administering physical punishments. There are many other tools in the shed, and to me, spanking seems like a rather uninventive way of getting your point across.

3_call_me_mama replied:
Exactally what Jeanne said.
I personally feel it's NEVER ok to hit a child.. or anyone else for that matter!
And that' sall I'll say on the subject!

skinkybaby replied: I think people need to remember that no matter what your views on spanking and other forms of discipline are, please refrain from the nasty/condescending comments about another parent's parenting style.

boyohboyohboy replied: I prefer not to list my preference on this topic, as to avoid any hurt feelings (mainly on my own part) but I will say that I read a book at about the same age as your child is now, is when we started using these methods and it has worked for us..its called 123 magic. it was really great.
you can get it at the library.

jcc64 replied: In no way did I intend for my comments to be condescending or nasty, though I do believe it's virtually impossible NOT to comment on parenting styles when discussing discipline issues. I am well aware that spanking is a hot button issue, and I have no desire to change other people's views on the subject. Someone asked for comments- and I rendered my opinions which happen to be directed at no one in particular. How other people discipline their kids is not my business, but if someone asks for an opinion on a given subject, I'm going to give it. Those who know me for awhile know I am commonly a very respectful debater. I'm sorry if you found my language too strong, but this is honestly how I feel. No offense meant to anyone in this thread or elsewhere.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I was spanked as a child and I don't blame my parents for doing it. It happened only a handful of times for serious cosequences. But I choose not to spank my kids, at least I've never felt the need to right now. We use time-out and it works for now.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I was never spanked by my mother. I was spanked by my father though. And often it was more than a spanking. Enough that the expression "you won't be able to sit for 3 days" rang true.

I've spanked my children on rare occasions, like when my 2 year old at the time ditched dh in our house, and walked over to my mother's, at 9pm, in her underwear and a tank top.

Kentuckychick replied: As someone on the "not anti-spanking" side of things I would just like to add that I haven't found anyones comments on here to be disrespectful or offensive. I think everyone has shared their views in a very positive manner... I personally like to hear everyone's side of things... hearing the "anti-spankers" views in the past has changed some (not all, but some) of my views on spanking and for that I'm thankful so I'm certainly happy to hear both sides

Calimama replied: My husband and I were on two opposite sides on this for awhile before having Bella. I was never spanked growing up and he was. After she was born (she isnt even close to the age where spanking comes in though) we both decided that we will not spank her. I believe there are other methods of discipline. I agree it's a personal choice and a parent should do what THEY feel is right for THEIR child.

stella6979 replied:
I couldn't agree more.

Crystalina replied: I do time outs and when they don't work I do spank. 90% of the time a stern voice and a warning are good enough in my house. I do not do the whole I'm going to count to 3 thing. IMO that is just nonesense. I hear parents in stores saying 1....2...2 1/2....don't make me say 3! To me that just tells the kid that as long as you change your ways before mom or dad get to 3 your fine. I'll be darned if I'm counting. The behaviour will stop when I say it's going to stop or you will be put in your room. If that doesn't work then there is a warning that a spanking is about to happen ( I give warning) and then if need be the hand will meet the butt. I don't have to spank hard when I do. Just the act that I did it is enough to let them know I'm seriouse. DH is a softy though and will usually give many warnings. I guess I'm the meanie in the house becuase I only warn once but like I said once is usually enough. My kids are very well behaved...**Knock on wood**.

lisar replied:
See I was spanked like that when I was a child. However I would NEVER do it to my children they way it was done on me. There is a diffrence. I do spank. Not Raygen shes still to young. I will pop her hand though. After telling her NO about a dozen times. Lexi has been spanked. I have no problem admitting that. Not a whole lot though. For example when she decided to try and fight me when she was in trouble one time I was telling her to go to her room she came up to me and slapped me. Well guess what she got her butt popped once. It didnt hurt her. It hurt her feelings more than anything. Thats just my views.

Like I said though. My dad spanked me BAD at times. He would hold me by the hair of my head with my feet off the floor and spank me with his leather belt. To me thats OVER board. A little pop on the butt like I do does no harm IMO....

blue72 replied: I've had to spank when my kids were in the "terrible two" age. Sometimes it is the only thing that will get their attention. By spank I mean a swat on the bottom or leg (only 1 swat) An example would be when Jake (2) throws a fit while we try to dress him. I give a warning and if he doesn't let me get his clothes on he gets a swat. Usually the warning stops his bad behavior but on occasion he gets a swat.

I can't recall the last time I've spanked my two other boys (5 & 8). We take privleges away or use timeout.

redchief replied: As a young parent without many tools in the shed as it were I did spank. I learned how to discipline without spanking over time, and found the new methods worked just as well or better (especially the lack of guilt for not having laid hand on them). In retrospect I don't think that spanking the boys did them any harm, and may have done some good. I simply couldn't lay a hand on the girls like that though, so I had to find different ways, which I employed with the boys too as I learned them. I find the privilege deprivation works best. I found it's important to be completely consistent to avoid sending a confusing message. I also found that increasing the penalty for repeated wrongs each time helps to curtail repeated offenses. My kids don't like to think about what's next if they hated the last punishment.