Reality

Kirstenmumof3 wrote: People tell me how strong I am. They wonder how I can be so calm and stay so positive. They commend me and tell me that they could never be this strong. I don't know if I'm that strong anymore. I don't know if I can do this all over again. I don't know if I can sit and watch my son in pain, watch him suffer. I don't know!

Yesterday I went to the ER. I couldn't cope anymore. I called a Crisis Line and hung up on them because I was waking, it was windy and they couldn't hear me. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but my mind was not in a good place. I figured that the ER was probably the best place for me. In the ER I was put into a curtained off room, where the curtains remained closed. I began to cry, no one heard my tears. I cried so hard and no one came. I didn't need to be admitted, I just needed someone to talk too. They have what is called MHAT (Mental Health Assessment Team), basically it's triage for the Mentally Ill. An hour after being put into this room, my nurse realized that maybe she should call them. After calling them, 40 minutes went by before the MHAT nurse finally came to see me. I talked with them, cried more than I ever have since finding out the news with Spencer. I just kept crying and through the tears I talked and they listened. They offered me the option of stayin in the ER overnight and having someone come and re-acess me in the morning. I opted to go home.

Then I had to wait for the doctor to discharge me. They gave my room away while I was speaking with the MHAT nurse and I had to sit in a chair in the hallway. Every time a nurse walked by, she would say the doctor will see you in a few minutes, well a few minutes turned into an hour and finally I told the nurse that I was leaving. I understand that they are busy. The nurse didn't want me leaving. Told me I would have to sign a form saying that I was leaving AMA (Against Medical Advice). She told me she couldn't find this form. I told her I was leaving. I was then labled as an aggresive patient and was told if I tried to leave they would send security after me. It was 11:15 pm and I just wanted to go home. Finally the doctor saw me, gave me a line of BS that given my emotional state they didn't think I should be leaving. I assured him I would be fine, I would come back if I needed to, or I would call the Crisis Line. Reluctantly he discharged me.

So today I am getting things ready. Packing, doing laundry, cleaning out Emily and Claudia's dresser drawers. I'm keeping busy. But there is an ache in my heart and I'm so sad!

PrairieMom replied: really Kirsten, you have every right to be distraught. You have been through so much. Good for you for going to get help, even if it was a bad expereiance for you. You are doing a great job.

CantWait replied: Kirsten, I'm glad you were able to talk to someone.

luvbug00 replied:

MoonMama replied: I agree you have every right and its perfectly understandable for you to be distraught. I'm glad you were able to talk to someone.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: Kristen I wish there was something I could do to make this all go away! We all do! You are doing an amazing job taking care of Spencer and the girls You are living every mother's worst nightmare and you are doing it with a TON of strength Nobody can hold it all together 100% of the time honey-please call whoever you need to and vent and cry all you want-we are all praying for you and Spencer! Please don't hesitate to PM me or email me if you need anything

kimberley replied: i'm sorry hon. i don't think crying makes you weak.. just human. i would have broken into a million pieces long ago. just know we continue to pray for you and your family and we are here any time you need to talk.

msoulz replied:
Yes, it is good you took care of yourself.

booey2 replied: Oh, Kristen, I am sorry this is coming to a head again. May you get all the support and help you need. Rest up for both you and Spencer will need your strength for the upcoming week.

Terri

amymom replied:

amynicole21 replied: Oh honey, I'm so sorry.

mom2my2cuties replied:

gr33n3y3z replied:

BAC'sMom replied:
PM or Email me anytime you need to talk.
I am here for you.

coasterqueen replied:

redchief replied:

mummy2girls replied: ((((BIG HUGE HUGS)))))

Oh hun you have been through so much! You ahve very rigt to feel the way you do. and remember crying is not a form of weakness ...its good to cry!
Let me knwo if you need someone to tyalk to!

Kirstenmumof3 replied: Thanks everyone! As the day draws nearer, the more emotional I get! My family is coming over tonight to see us before we leave. That's going to be so hard!

3xsthefun replied:

jcc64 replied: Kirstin- I remember a few weeks back you were concerned that you couldn't cry. And I remember telling you that the tears would come when you were ready for them. I think crying is a sign of strength, not weakness. It means you are allowing yourself to experience the insurmountable pain. I think it means you know on some subconscious level that you can handle this now, however difficult or awful it feels. I'm sorry that your experience in the ER wasn't a positive one, but in some small way, at least you felt safe enough to let go of some of all of that bottled up anxiety. Better out than in, Kirstin. I really wish there was something I could say or do to make this better for you.

holley79 replied: Ok sweetie I am so sorry. I'm glad that you went though. Sometimes just talking is all that it takes. I wish I were there to give you real

Boo&BugsMom replied:

Sarah&Mackenzie replied: