Saying goodbye to playgroup - how to do it?

mysweetpeasWil&Wes wrote: Okay, I've been in the same playgroup for Wil since he was 7 months old. Same moms, same 5 kids. Some of us have two kids now, but I am the only one that has their oldest in preschool. Last week I hosted at our house and Wil was a mess. He was doing everything that has lead me to believe he may have SID...Curling up in a ball, not letting others touch him, making odd noises as to help tune out the chaos around him. It was so difficult for me, I seriously couldn't wait for everyone to leave. So it came to me, why do this if it's not fun for any of us anymore?? I just think Wil is better suited for outdoor activities, like going to the zoo or museum, where something holds his attention. Being crammed in someone's home where there are toys everywhere just doesn't work. Doesn't really work at the gym either unless he is in the bigger kids room, which is why I think school works - bigger kids that keep him in line, MORE structure. I also don't feel the moms and I have much in common anymore, but I do consider them my friends.

So long story short, how do I tell the moms that I want to bow out for a while? They are SUPER sensitive if I even mention preschool, as if they're taking it personally that their kids are not in school yet and I chose to put mine in, kwim? I don't even talk about school with them for this reason. And IMO, where's the support? I don't feel we have to be doing the same things, but I think they do because they are really on the defense about it. They don't understand why I have Wil in ST and definitely don't understand why I have him in preschool early, so like I said, it's a sensitive topic with our group. I wouldn't dare mention SID. I just don't know what to say without them taking it personally. And FYI, I will probably see them at other functions (we have mutual friends), so I don't want to burn any bridges. Ugh. This is hard. It's like breaking up with someone!!

Sorry that got long.....

grapfruit replied: First lots of I think that something that stresses you out that bad, and people that make you feel that bad are things/people you shouldn't do/hang around if possible.

Isn't it obvious to them that Wil is no longer having a good time??? B/c to me, I would pull you aside and say, "listen, if it's better for him to not be here then by all means" You have to do what's right for your child, I would hope they'd understand that. I think SIDS and things of that nature are becoming more and more common.

I'd say just be strong. Tell them that you enjoy their company, but what's best for Wil is more structure. Heck, sugar coat them up *gag* and tell them something to make them feel good. Just be nice, and firm.

More s.

GL

bawoodsmall replied: Rae - I hate to say it but this women are not your friends imo. People who are your friends you wouldnt be worrying about what they will think or say. They would want what is best for Will and you. If it were me I would just be firm in saying that Will is not enjoying himself and we need to take a break from the playgroup. Maybe say that in the future hopefully we could try again to join in. I hope they take it well. You are such a great mom. You need to do what is best for Will.

luvmykids replied: I agree, if these women are so defensive and unsupportive, they're not good friends but still, I understand wanting to leave the relationships intact.

How often/regularly do you guys meet? Could you just say "We can't make it this time" or something? If you feel you need to just make a clean break, I think I'd say "We've got a lot on our plates right now and I need to bow out for a little while, I hope we'll keep in touch though."

GL, you're right, it is like breaking up with someone, not fun!

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
True, good point, but they really are sweet people. And we had a good run, I don't regret it. But I just think that they are insecure about their own choices as moms, so they get defensive, kwim? And I'm not the type to brag about my kids, or try to push anyone into believing my way is the best way - but I think they assume that when I talk about Wil, I'm comparing their kid to mine. Which is so NOT the case. I just want to vent sometimes!!!!! That's what I love about PC, you can talk about anything and you guys support me. I mentioned the other day to my playgroup moms that I was worried about Wil, lightly touching on sensory issues, and one of them laughed. She just didn't take me very seriously, probably thought I was joking. But I was hoping she would see that my eyes were puffy from the night before, crying over all of this. Guess not. They just want to play, which is great, it's what we're there for, but I sometimes want help from other moms. I have a couple friends that I can really talk to about this and they understand, so I think I'm going to stick to smaller one-on-one playdates wit them instead of big groups.

I'll just tell them that I need to take a break. My sister said that I don't NEED to explain myself, just tell them that we'll pickup again in the spring or summer. Thanks for the support you guys! And keep the suggestions coming if anyone else has any.

Calimama replied: I don't blame you one bit. What's the point of going to playgroup if there is no support and he's not having a good time? I agree with Monica, I'd say you're really busy so you're going to have to stop attending. It's sad that people are so insecure over their own choices that they forget how to support others in THEIR choices. I've been in that situation a couple times.

boyohboyohboy replied: I dont like confrontation, but it doesnt sound like wil is the only one not enjoying this group anymore...
how do you all plan your events and outings or meetings? do you ever do it via email? or written invites?
i think i would send them all an email just saying at this time, you have decided to spend some one on one time with your son, while the other is in preschool, and that you might be interested in picking the group back up at a later time but for now, will have to be excused.
that way you wont have to deal with all the questions or them asking you not to go.
but if they are not willing to be supportive which is what a mom's group is for, i would definately get out.
but i always take the easy way out, so for me email is the way to go.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Well it IS one of the busiest months of the year... just tell them that due to Holiday stuff, you are going to need to take a break from the playgroup for the next few weeks... and once Wil is out of preschool for the holiday break, you could tell them that Wil's having a hard time adjusting to being home all day again, and you need to spend more quality alone time with him to make him not feel so out of routine.

That will give you about a month to back out a little more... ya know?

After that, if you still feel that it's best that you don't go to ANY playgroups, instead of once a week or whatever... then don't.

But at the same time... i want to say that not all kids fit in everwhere all of the time... and as much as it sucks that Wil isn't having a great time in the playgroup,...and obviously neither are you.. he's not always going to have a good time in every situation he's in, and you won't always be able to pull him out of it as to not make him feel like he doesn't belong... as far as I'm concerned, if it was my kids, I'd just suck it up because it's something that's going to have to be dealt with all the time for the rest of our lives. (ps - i hope you don't take that the wrong way... )

bawoodsmall replied:
I agree with you in part Rocky...however children are all built different. Why do something that he hates just for sake of doing it. I dont think this is a case of a child being difficult..he just cant handle it.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: oh i know. That's why I said if it was MY kids. i know that my kids it would just be for no reason, not because they would have an issue that Wil may have.

bawoodsmall replied: Yeah that would be my girl...but not the boy. We always say his best friend is himself.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
I see what you're saying Rocky, but not sure I follow it - meaning that's not really my parenting style. And please know I'm totally not taking it the wrong way, but I don't agree with you, sorry. I am not going to push my son into doing something he isn't enjoying for the sake of teaching him a lesson. Yes, life is hard and I know for fact he will deal with plenty of uncomfortable situations in the future, but he is only 3 and I feel it is my responsiblity NOW to assure he has a good time with everything he does. When he is 13 and doesn't like math class, well THEN I will tell him to suck it up (and get him a tutor), but playgroup at age 3 is a totally different situation all together IMO. I'm going to listen to Wil's cues and choose to bow out.

Thanks for the advice on what to say. Using the holidays as an excuse is a good idea.

MommyToAshley replied: I miss Ashley's playgroup because I really enjoyed talking to the other Moms. We met every Friday for almost three years. But, it sounds like these Moms aren't easy to talk to. And, I agree with you, if Wil isn't enjoying it, I wouldn't force him to go.

I would make a couple of excuses and that will buy you some time to decide if you really want to leave. It's good that you have some other friends that you can confide in. Maybe it'd be better to just schedule some time with those friends while Wil is in preschool -- then you'l both be doing something you enjoy.