Severely Depressed

Kirstenmumof3 wrote: Let's face it I wasn't cut out to be a full time mom. To be someones wife. I don't feel that I can do this anymore. I feel like I'm just a big disappointment to DH and the kids. We can't go to my parents house because they smoke in there house. Spencer can't go anywhere right now. My sister and brother haven't even really acknowledged that we are home. And all of the support I was promised for when we came home isn't here. We have to pay for parental respite. I don't know anyone that could do this. I'm so depressed and it's getting really bad. My thinking is really distorted and I can't stop crying. It's all just so overwhelming right now. I saw my psychologist today and it's awkward. I haven't seen him in 5 months. Everything seems so strange, this house, this city. I don't know what to do. I feel so selfish for wanting to just take a break. Someone told me that I was going to have adjust to putting the needs of my children first. That I had my time and now it was time to concentrate on my family. Am I really that selfish and self-centered.

moped replied:

PrairieMom replied: You are going through a very hard time, its normal to feel bad and depressed. I'm sorry i don't have any good advice for you, just know that you are a wonderful mother, and you are doing the very best that you can. Look how far Spencer has come, do you think he could have done it without your support? After everything you had to go through, you really need to give yourself some credit. You are doing an amazing job.
Hang in there.

MyLuvBugs replied: Oh sweetie!
Hang in there. I feel that way a lot. Like "How did my life get to be like this?" KWIM? But you just have to remember how strong you are, and tell yourself that You CAN do this.

kimberley replied: Kirsten, i don't think you are selfish at all. you have given every ounce of yourself for months on end while you were here in Toronto and anyone would be spent mentally and emotionally. give yourself a break. keep seeing your psychologist, try to get a break from it all when you can and breathe! we are always here for you too.

AlexsPajamaMama replied:

aspenblue1 replied:

kit_kats_mom replied: I don't think you are selfish or self centered. I think that anyone in your position would be fighting off the demons. The fact that you are predisposed to depression just makes it ten times worse for you.

Now, coming from me, I know this is going to sound wierd...but....try this. Lower your expectations. Let the housework go, let everything go. Focus on the family. You are going through three major family dynamic changes right now. Spencers illness/recovery, reaquanting yourself with your family, and physically picking up and moving to another place.

You have to at least take care of yourself. It's your job. Sure, you are needed to do all the other stuff for everyone else but guess what? If you weren't around to do it, that would be even worse. do what you can for your family and take care of yourself too.

AlexsPajamaMama replied:
This is something my mom lives by! It's hard to remember sometimes, especially with so much going on....but it works well for me when life gets overwhelming.

luvmykids replied:
I don't know who told you that but I hope it was someone you know well enough to punch in the mouth! I think it's a rotten time for people to be spewing stuff like that ..... even if by a long shot it were true (which it is NOT), what horrible timing and who in the world near you can understand what you've been through?

I'm glad you're seeing your psychologist and ITA with Cary, lower your expectations. Do what you have to do to get through the day and pat yourself on the back for doing that. Heck, thats all I can manage some days and I have not had to deal with near the emotional stress, change, disruption, worry, etc. that you have.

You're a wonderful mom, your children are all so very blessed to have you.

btw-if you honestly feel you aren't "cut out" to be a full time mom, then give yourself a break. You certainly would not be alone in that!

Kirstenmumof3 replied: Thanks everyone! I wish I could take the advice of letting the housework go, but unfortunately that can't happen. The house needs to be clean for Spencer. I never realized how overwhelming this house was, until I had to clean it again. I'm tired and so very sad. I'm trying to keep everything together.

Kirstenmumof3 replied:
It was a Crisis Worker. I hadn't called them in a long time, since before Spencer and I left for Toronto. And that's what she told me. I hung up the phone and just sat on this bench by the Marina crying, wondering if I was really like that. I have complained before about the treatment I recieve when I call the Crisis Line, but nothing changes. I was just feeling so awful yesterday that I just needed someone to talk too. Just someone to listen to me. And unfortunately that person wasn't willing to do that.

luvmykids replied:
Sounds like they need more training. I'm so sorry they treated you that way.

jcc64 replied: Kirstin-
You've held yourself together for so long now, it's totally predictable that you were in for a "fall". Now it's safe to let your guard down and feel all the scary feelings. You've been heroic, but you're human, and you're entitled to be sick and tired. You need to find a better support system, just b/c someone works on a crisis hotline doesn't mean they have all the right answers. Just stay strong enough to remember that you're the only mom your kids will ever want, and you don't have to be at the top of your game to be a successful mom. You're gonna be fine, Kirstin- you've had this illness long enough to know it ebbs and flows. Just do what you have to do to get to higher ground. You will, eventually. In the meantime, and keep posting.

CantWait replied: SELFISH, I'd like to know who the he** called you SELFISH. A selfish person, a selfish mother wouldn't have been at her son's side day after day after day in a hospital room. A SELFISH mother wouldn't be feeling the way you're feeling right now, so STOP right there. You've been through hell and back and you deserve a break and some time for yourself. Give it some time with your psychologist, you're starting fresh again, and it's bound to feel awkward, and if he's not helping, and is being more unsupportive, you need to find someone else that can support you.

A&A'smommy replied: honey motherhood is tough no doubt about it its HARD stuff and I can't amagine adding a very sick child to that.. I think you need a day out you haven't had time for yourself at all during this time.. go shopping, pamper yourself do something for yourself otherwise your depression is just going to get worse!!

b&bsmom replied: You are the farthest thing from selfish I know. For anyone to say that to you is just wrong. You have put all your needs on hold to be there for your son. It has been a long road and you deserve/NEED to take a little time for you, even if it is just an hour or a few min. here or there, do something for you. Yo need to gain your energy and strength back so that you can still be there for your family. If you need someone to talk to or listen again, call me, I will give you my number or I am sure anyone here ( who may be closer ) would do the same, or instant message with someone just get anyone you can who will listen and let us help you. Things will get better, just take it one moment at a time. Hope things get better sooner rather than later. Keep posting

My3LilMonkeys replied: The other ladies have given you plenty of wonderful words & wisdoms. I am not as eloquent as they are so I'll just stick with some .

redchief replied: Everyone else has given so much more advice and better opinions than I could in your situation, so all I have to offer is support and

Brias3 replied:

MommyToAshley replied: Kirsten, I am so sorry. I just want to wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest hug. I so wish I lived closer to you.

You have dealt with so much, and the last thing you are is selfish. That crisis worker needs to find a new line of work. I am getting more angry by the minute ... how can someone who spoke to you on the phone for a few seconds make a judgemental statement like that. This person didn't even try to understand what you have gone through for the past few months.

Does your therapist have an emergency number you can call, or can he recommend a support group you can talk to in between meeting with him? I would suggest meeting more frequently with him to get over that awkwardness. Or, if you don't feel comfortable at all, maybe seek out another therapist. I feel like you need and deserve the most support right now. You sound tired and overwhelmed, but I know you can fight this. You have done it before, and you will be happy again.

We're always here for you and please know that we all love and care for you. Please keep talking to us and letting us know how you are. I will keep you in my prayers.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: Thanks! All I can say is Thanks! What you all have done for me it's just such a blessing!

My Psychologist and I are meeting weekly. We have a very good relationship. I've been seeing him for 3 1/2 years. I trust him completely and know that once we get back to our old routine, it will seem less awkward. He told me that I am beyond the Crisis Line, but if I need to, to continue to contact them. But make sure before they start talking that I just need someone to listen to me. I've also contacted some of the staff at The New Foundations Clubhouse, an organization run out of the Canadian Mental Health Association. They have been helpful, trying to arrange for counselling for DH and I and trying to find parental respite. And there is also my bestfriend, I don't know what I would do without her.

DH and I talked lastnight. I don't think he really understands how I'm feeling, but at least he knows. He wasn't very helpful and I had hoped he would offer to give me a break. But that never happened. That never does happen. It's one of the reasons why I left last year.

As soon as everyone is gone for the day I'm going backto bed, I'm tired and Spencer doesn't usually get up too early.

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: When on earth did you have your time? Last I checked, you were in the hospital with Spencer for the past half a year. That hardly qualifies as me time. I am so sorry you're having such a rough go of it, Kirsten. I'll keep praying for you. Hugs.

MyBrownEyedBoy replied:
BTW, I'll send you a calling card and my phone number and you can call me anytime.

Sarah&Mackenzie replied: Your in my thoughts and prayers hun!!

3_call_me_mama replied: HUGS! hang in there. You are FAR FROM SELFISH! You are a wonderful wife and mother but are only human. You can ONLY do so much adn stretching yourself to the limits will take a toll. PLEASE know that you are not alone we are all here for you adn praying daily for you. HUGS!