Spin off of children not listening - ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!

Teesa®© wrote: I do try very hard to be consistent. Sometimes it's hard because I'll say I'll take something away, but I really don't want to. Most times I do take it away anyway, but there's a few times that I don't.

I tried the Mina House Elf a few days ago. I printed out a personalized one for each child and left them on their pillows. DD wouldn't tell me what hers said, and DS finally read his after me asking several times. DS did get a broom and go to his room, but honestly, I don't know what he did with it in there He did ask what the Naughty Elf did and I explain that he takes toys away from children who don't listen.

Despite Mina's letter, neither have been finishing their chores or listening to me at all. They do know the consequences of their toys being removed, but apparently that's not incentive enough for them. I told them that the way they were going, the Naughty Elf would take ALL their toys, but that didn't get them into gear either. Neither room is bad, it's just dirty laundry. It would take a whole 10 seconds for each to pick up.

After 3 days of getting the letter and constant reminders from me [14 yesterday and 8 today], they're STILL not listening and finishing their chores.

They asked for snacks just before it was time to make supper. I won't give them snacks then anyways, but told them that when I ask them to do things they won't listen to me, but when they ask for things I need to listen and do whatever it is right then and there. Why do I have to do that if they don't? All I got was "I don't know" in stereo.

Their chores consist of making their beds in the morning, putting their dishes in the sink, putting their laundry in the hampers, and cleaning up after themselves [wiping up spills, sweeping the floor if they drop something, putting away what they took out]. They are 6 1/2 and 8 1/2, so I don't think that it's too much to ask for, nor too much for them to handle. I have no problem with reminding them of things, but when they don't do it, then it becomes an issue.

So, I'm making supper and reminded them for the eighth time of what they've forgotten to do. I came into the living room to find both sitting down. They didn't do what I'd asked. Again. I lost it!

I went into the kitchen and turned the stove off. I came back in and said, "That's IT!!! You BOTH got a letter from Mina reminding you that you haven't been listening and to clean up after yourselves. Neither of you have done that. She even wrote that the Naughty Elf would come and take your toys and you STILL haven't done it. I have reminded you DOZENS of times and yet here you are sitting on your butts?!?!?" [at this point, they hadn't finished their chores from this morning, or finished their rooms. What I was reminding them of was their morning chores because the cereal was still on the table, the floor not swept. Two things. TWO! That was it!!!]. They both looked at me blankly and I continued, "When I ask you to do something, just get it done and it's over with! I've had it with the way that you treat me with not listening and yet expecting me to do EVERY little thing you ask - which I DO! - , yet when I ask you to do something, you won't. This has gone on LONG ENOUGH and I'm not going to stand for it ANYMORE!"

Did they jump up and put anything away? No. They just sat there. I realize that you're supposed to be short and to the point, and you shouldn't say things when you're angry. So, yeah, I was long and they probably tuned me out somewhere around "... Mina..." and yeah, I was angry. I've been ignoring them since then and typing this out. They're sitting there laughing and I just want to cry.

What do I do now? When I read about Mina, I thought, that'll work!! But it didn't. Am I not giving it enough time? Am I expecting too much? Do I remove their toys? I'm starting to wish for a stiff drink and a cliff right about now [yo, Shawn? Wanna come to Canad-eh and pick me up??? lol]. I do have coolers, but I'm the only adult here, so I can't have one. DH has the car at work, and I don't have my license anyway, but if I didn't die flying over a cliff, I'm sure he'd kill me for not only taking the car, but wrecking it

Why is it so easy to offer advice for other people, but when it's yourself, it all goes out the window????


*finds herself a big hole and crawls into it*

JennyB replied: Oh my goodness. I totally understand. It is quite frustrating. It seems that no matter what you do, they still don't listen. I can't tell you how many times I have cried regarding the very same thing.

I am sorry I don't really have any advice that you haven't already tried. Just keep trying to be consistent. I will however say, take the toys. Take tv or game privileges and let them earn them back one by one. That may help.

Hang in there.

amynicole21 replied: Sounds like it's time for the naughty elf! Maybe that will show them that it's a serious matter. I'm sure Shawn would love to come up to Canada and help you out with that drink, too! As long as it meant getting a break from his own kids.

Teesa®© replied: I was actually thinking more along the lines of a cliff.... but drinking is good...

Well, I did it!! I packed up EVERY toy and I mean EVERY LAST FREAKING TOY and removed them from their rooms [I left their stuffies].

They just went upstairs and I braced myself waiting for screaming, crying and children running downstairs in a panic.

Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

DS is playing happily, merrily with SOMETHING, I've no idea what. Neither even freaked out even a LITTLE bit.

Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. No reaction at all what-so-ever.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY CHILDREN?!?!?!?! Do they not care about ANYTHING?!?!?!?!

I handed each a broom and warned them that they'd better clean up ALL the garbage in their rooms. They're up there goofing around. I went up and asked if they didn't notice their toys are all gone. I told them they're not in my room [for those who saw the pix, you'll know why, LOL], not in the garage and I'd even take them through the house to prove it to them. 4 toys bins jammed full of toys gone.

Now I can hear them jumping around and laughing.


*finds her hole, dives in headfirst with a bottle of Vodka and a bottle of Whiskey and bawls*

redchief replied: I was never a big fan of the naughty elf, or other silly ploys to get kids to do parents' bidding. I didn't mind being the bad guy. It's OK for the kids to be angry at parents too. In fact, I think it's healthy for them to experience the anger of loss and of not being in total control of a situation.

A&A'smommy replied: Alyssa has been going through this also and OMG it drives me insanem it also breaks my heart when I have to take something away from her!!

:.Mrs_Mommy.: replied: My children have been known to literally spend up to 6 hrs in their rooms cleaning it. Not to incredibly long ago DH and I went into their room and threw into the garbage 6 garbage bags of toys because they had shown they didn't care about them. I am not above making my children do something because I or DH said so. We don't do the Cleaning Fairy or anything like that. They have to do chores just like I have to work and so they will. They are getting a little better but it does take time.

I have spanked my children for not listening to me. I am their mother and I demand respect from them. They are smart enough to know what they are doing wrong.

Back to topic: I don't really know what else for you to do. Keep on them until its done. Good Luck!

Teesa®© replied: Obviously, the house faerie didn't work out at all for us, and I won't bother with that again.

I had sat down with them yesterday to come up with some incentives for their Smilie Chart. I wanted their input so I knew what they would like. They didn't help much, just kept saying, "I don't know." I thought that if I came up with a few then they'd rattle some off. DD came up with #3 and they balked at #5 ?!?!

This is our list:

1. For every day you get all Smilie's, you can have two toys back previously taken away. If you didn't have any taken away, we'll do a 500+ puzzle.

2. For every 2 days in a row you get all Smilie's, you can do a special craft.

3. For every 3 days in a row you get all Smilie's, you can play a puter game.

4. For every 4 days in a row you get all Smilie's, we can bake something.

5. For every 5 days in a row you get all Smilie's, you can stay up an extra half an hour.

6. For every 6 days in a row, you get all Smilie's, you'll get your bed made for you every day for a week.

7. For every 7 days in a row, you get all Smilie's, you'll get your whole room cleaned for you.

8. If you get more Smilie's than Sad faces, you get a special treat.

They thought, at the time, that this was great. But, in the end, I guess it didn't matter in the least. Considering the amount of toys they have, I was honestly expecting to be having to clean both their rooms by the end of the week.

I'm hoping that, in a couple of days, it'll finally sink into both of them and their attitudes will change drastically.

luvmykids replied: I had to come to the difficult conclusion with my kids that their toys meant more to me than them ....I found that out when I started getting rid of stuff and they didn't care. That told me that they had too much stuff, and also that since they don't care about having a lot of toys it wasn't motivation for them.

What worked for me, really once and for all, was to just suck it up and spend a lot of time with them teaching them what I mean when I say to clean up and how to do it, then really emphasized how good it feels to have a clean room, and how much more time we had to play since the work was done. It did take a lot of my time, which annoyed me at first, but now that it seems to have finally sunken in we're all much happier.

my2monkeyboys replied: It can be frustrating, I know. With Will I've discovered that taking away video game/computer time will make a drastic change in him. I've never taken away toys bc you have to take away every single one of them or the at least the very most special one for it to make any difference. Taking away trips to see friends/family help alot, as does the occasional spanking (though he only gets those for flat-out arguing, back-talking or lying). If you don't like spanking though, try taking away other things and see if that helps. Really though you'll probably have to do it for a long period of time for them to realize that they miss it. Maybe a week or so at first. Once they miss whatever it is you took away, then that helps them remember a little quicker next time and they're more likely to listen.
Whatever you decide just stick with it and be consistent. That will help more than anything.
HTH!

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Ick... sorry.. I take the "we all have to do things we don't want to do. You don't want to clean your room, and I don't want to cook dinner. But i do it, because I have to, and so you go clean your room, because you have to."

Also, in the same lines, when my kids ask me for a glass of water, i tellthem to take their cups and get it themselves, I'm not a servant. I don't ask them to get me a drink, and if they want a drink other than a meal time, they can have water, and they can get that themselves. Even Naomie at 29 months can push the stool, grab the cup, turn on the cold tap and get her own drink.

I also make them clean up their own clothes... they each have a basket, and if they don't put it in there, it doesn't get washed... and usually a comment along the lines of Wow, you have lots of dirty clothes... if i can't wash them, you're going to be stinky.. and you don't pick up MY dirty clothes, so why should i pick up yours? That's usually enough to not only get them to pick up their dirty clothes, but to bring their basket downstairs, too. Naomie, I'll carry hers though.

I don't do well with whining... and when they start whining, I whine right back. Moooommmmmmyyyyyy...Emilie won't stop!! Zachariiiiiiiieeeeeeee.... neither do you!!!!!!!!

I'm pretty realistic with my kids, and don't really do all that fairy stuff... they have to do what they have to do, that's the end of it, and ther eyou have it. My kids rooms are clean.

redchief replied:
Sorry, Rocky? Why? What a valuable life lesson they'll learn once they grasp the concept that there are precious few of us do what we must everyday simply because we want to!

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
maybe I could rephrase to get the message across better....

The jist of what i say to them is that we all do things we don't want to do, and sometimes when we don't want to do it. But we still have to do the things that we don't want to do, because it lets us do the things that we WANT to do. that if they clean their room and don't whine about it, it gives them more time to play, which is what they WANT to be doing. In other words - whine and put off cleaning your room, whine some more, get in trouble, whine some more...and waste your afternoon because you're avoiding cleaning your room, so no time to play, OR, take 10 mintues to clean, then play for the rest of the afternoon...

i didn't mean to say that nobody likes what they do *daily*... just that at that moment in time, he didnt feel like cleaning his room, and I didn't feel like making dinner, but I was doing it anyways, and I told him he should clean his room anyways, because we all ahve to do stuff we don't want to do sometimes, and this was one of those times.

Hey I LOVE cooking. Cooking / baking are one of my favorite things to do... but even a favorite is a chore when you're not in the mood for it.

Make more sense?

kit_kats_mom replied: I'd also take away the tv. I'm guessing they weren't just sitting in the living room staring at the walls right? Maybe, if they are bored enough, they will clean to earn thier junk back.

mckayleesmom replied: I have been known to walk in their rooms with a trash bag and start pitching things in it......Then they have 5 minutes to pick up the rest or I get another trash bag...

I usually don't really throw the toys away.....but I have .Usually seeing it actually go int he trash can outside gets them moving.

Bamamom replied: I'd take the hard nose approach at that age. The kids would get to do nothing - and I mean nothing - TV, team sports, individual sports, playing outside, computer, toys, not even playing with each other (confine them to their rooms) - nothing till the work got done. Yeah it's going to suck for you too but given the option of having a life or sitting on your unmade bed in an messy bedroom would make them want to get their chores done I would think.

grapfruit replied:
I think what you said made PERFECT sense. I also think it made sense to him, he was asking why you were sorry, don't be sorry! You're right!!

Teesa®© replied: Thanks everyone for your inputs.

The TV and puter were taken away earlier, the toys were a "last straw". Still not seeing any difference, but since they're bored now, they're getting into things they're not supposed to

Obviously, I have explained that the longer they keep this up, the longer it'll take them to get their toys back, but, for some reason, it's just not sinking in. They both say they want their toys back, but won't make an effort to earn them back. They still haven't been doing their chores

I've had to start locking my bedroom door, despite telling them they're no longer allowed in there due to taking my things and ruining them. Put child locks on the cupboards because they were taking all the school snacks. I had to remove everything from the bathroom as one or both of them were breaking the soaps into tiny pieces, dumping the shampoo's and ripping the toilet paper into shreds. We are on a very tight budget and just can't afford this.

They are so going to hate this weekend. I'm going to make them work. One, they're going to be making it up for everything that they've refused to do, and Two, hopefully it'll keep them out of trouble long enough to earn them Smilies and maybe a reward.

If not, I hear Alcatraz is nice this time of year. They can't get me in there

Hillbilly Housewife replied:


oops...

Teesa®© replied: FWIW, I understood it perfectly the first time, too