Struggling with feelings - just need to vent

Littlejojames wrote: Why do men do it everytime??

After Craig getting jumped the other week i thought that he might have learnt his lesson, but i was wrong.

Friday night well 5.30pm he said that he was meeting his brother in the pub for a drink and will be home early. when i told him to take his keys he said that he wont be long and does not need them.

11.30pm at night i was still sat up waiting for him in floods of tears thinking that them lads have got him again and done something worse. I was doubled over in pains and could not stop crying thinking that he was seriously injured somewhere. 0300am he turns up at the flat totally drunk not a word of sorry or anything.

The day after i went completley mad at him telling him all the worrys and so on and he laughed at me telling me not to be stupid. This is not the 1st time he has done this though its almost every friday. and no matter how much i tell him that i worry and it hurts and so on he still goes and does it.

Now i cant find myself to get close to him, i feel like i have losted something and i dont know what, i know that i still love him loads but there is something which is eating away inside me and i dont know what it is. I think that im kind of missing all the things when the relationship was new, the way we used to kiss and the way he used to hold me and would never ever dream of doing the things that he does now.................

God i miss that all so much with him........

God even writing this now is making me fill up

Think on payday im going to book into a hotel for the night and give him a taste of his own medicine but not tell him.

New Mommy replied: Men can be such jerks sometimes. I used to be the same way but I guess I get on DH case enough now that he tells me everthing and will call if he is going to be out later than he said.

I say youneed to lay down the law. THere is no reason for him to keep you worried like that. Trick him and go to that hotel...... hopefully he will get worried. If he doesn't then you have another problem on your hand and I have no idea what to tell you about that.

Littlejojames replied: He worries when im late coming home from work.

I try and lay down the law but it just does not wash with him.

The worst thing is im so scared now of getting close as i know its going to happen all again this weekend.

He promised me that when i got pregnant it would all change but i guess not.

God it still upsets me even now

kit_kats_mom replied: Geez. It sounds to me like he may have a problem with alcohol. The feeling that you describe of not wanting to get close to him is probably your concencience telling you that you know he has a problem with it and you know that can only lead to problems within your family. Distancing yourself from the problem is easier than letting yourself love him deeply since chances are, he will hurt you in the end.

Your job is to protect the baby so if you need to leave, do it. I wouldn't hesitate for a second. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 3 years and it really took a lot out of me. There is no way I would want my babies near that kind of instability.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: You poor thing. We have enough to deal with while we are pregnant without having to deal with stupidity from our husbands. Alcohol can wreck any marriage and is not a good situation for a baby to be in. I would definetly tell him how it is going to be or find another place to live. You don't need this right now. When that baby is born you need him to be dependable and you need the help. I hope you guys can work it out. He really needs to get some help with his problem. If he is young and just wants to hang out with his buddies...he just needs to grow up and take care of his wife and family. Tell him you aren't going to deal with it anymore. This really is no situation for a child.

jolene555 replied: sometimes i hate men. barry did something similar when i was in my first trimester. it seemed that at least once a week he would leave me and tell me he'd be home soon and end up coming home at 2am. one night, while he was gone, someone tried to break in. they didn't get in, but when he came home he found me curled up in a ball in the corner surrounded by tissues and clutching a pillow (yes, i was extremely hormonal). i think that kicked him in the head a bit. he always came home when he said he would, always called when going to be late. i think he realized that he's got bigger responcibilities now.

it sounds like you man needs reality to set in. make sure he knows how much you hate the way he's been behaving, and don't back down. one night of coming home to find the locks changed, (or worse yet) to find you not there with no explanation and i gather he might get the big picture.

MommyToAshley replied: I don't have anything else to add, but I wanted to give you hugs. I am sorry you have to deal with this while you are PG.

Littlejojames replied: God i sound daft saying this but the other week he went out and i hid when i heard him coming in. He thought that i had gone he was going mad.

I tell him week after week that its pushing me away but then his brother (who is 30 and single, and is out every night) rings and encourages him to go out.

He is the best partner ever during the week but its come to the point where i hate weekends..........

coasterqueen replied: Has he always done this..the drinking thing? I've noticed that men tend to revert back to childish ways when they find out they are going to have a child. My husband sure did.

I don't know if I'd say going out every Friday night constitutes him as an alcoholic, though. My DH drinks several drinks a night every night, unfortunately...I'd classify him as an alcoholic. I'm dealing with him the best I can. If he wasn't such a good father to Kylie I'd leave. He's not your typical alcoholic though...I know my grandfather was the typical kind. He doesn't hit, get angry or anything.

Anyways, that's not the issue here. IMO I think he's just trying to regain his youth because he know he's going to lose it soon. Trust me my Dh is STILL trying to regain his.

((HUGS)). I know you've told him before...I've been there too and it probably feels like you are wasting your breath...so you'll have to decide when you are tired of that what it is you need to do. Keep trying to talk to him though .

Littlejojames replied: His dad is a really bad alcoholic and craig hates it and will never be like that so he says.

We get on so well when its just us left to it but when we or he goes out he likes to be one of the lads and jokes and carrys on with them.

I do love him so so much but im scared that he is going to push me further and further that i will say more than i regret.

I told him that i dont know if i want him anymore at weekend he went mad and told me to go and when i explained he hugged me and kissed my head but i think that it solves all.

I havnt been the same since and he has picked up on this and is trying to make up by taking me out for meals and sending me txt messages like love you and so on, but its not washing anymore.

coasterqueen replied:
Hon, I know how you feel. I don't know your life story, but sounds like our DH's are similar when it comes to wanting to drink and have fun and not assume their responsibilities at home.

My Dh won't butter up to me after he's done things like that though. SO I guess your's is the better one, lol. Mine just says he's sorry and of course...wasted his breath..because he'll do it again.

I wish I had some advice for you. I've told myself as long as he's good to my children I'll try to make the best of it. I love my DH more than anything..sometimes I'm not sure if I love him like I did in the beginning, but I do love him more than life itself.

It's funny because my DH promised me he'd stop smoking and drinking when I got pg with Kylie...then it was when she was born..then it was this time and that time,etc. You get my point. I've given up on trying. I know eventually when I'm just so miserable I'll leave, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet. I know I'll leave if he ever hurts my children but he hasn't and I don't believe he will. I keep telling my DH that one day he's going to come home and I WILL be gone and he probably still won't realize why.

((HUGS)). Do what's in your heart. If it's telling you you can't be with him anymore than leave. If it's telling you you want to try...try..go to counseling. Marriages aren't perfect unfortunately. We'd like to think they are..the relationship seems so perfect in the beginning I know.

How long have you been with him?

Littlejojames replied: We have been on and off since we was at school and then we decided to make it more serious last october.

I know that i want him more than anything but im struggling to hold on the the thought that it will all change when the baby is born.

There is no taking to him though when he has hangover (the day after)

How do you cope??
Its hard talking to people at home as they then act different around him which i dont like.

Thanks for listening.

coasterqueen replied:
Not sure how I do. I cope by getting angry at him I guess, lol. It doesn't help but I at least get my frustrations out there so he can't blame me for not saying something later. I guess my DD keeps me going to cope with him. I keep thinking one day he'll change..but so far he hasn't. *SIGH*. It's funny because it didn't bother me so much before having children...now it does.

A&A'smommy replied: ((((big hugs)))) Do whatever you have to do to get through to him that this is NOT the time to act like that! I'm sorry for you but I do remember when I was pg Jeremiah was VERY childish it drove me crazy!

Littlejojames replied: It makes me laugh more because they never seem to think that they are doing anything wrong.

Last night he said to me that i have been different with him since weekend and he wants me to tell him whats wrong, i told him that i have already told him and its not my fault that he does not listen.

Then he went all sweet and nice running me a bath and getting me a drink and so on and then he tried it on . i looked at him and said no he said why i repeated what he had said to me the other night (very embarrasing that he does not want s*x at the minute as im spotting and it freaks him out) well when i said that he went mad i did not say that. Well god knows where that come from but i burst into tears, then he said stop f**cking crying????

God i could not believe it he knows that i can cry at the drop of a hat at the moment how nasty. I just got up and went to bed, when he came to bed he tried to cuddle up to me i just moved away.

God Why?????


God im making him sound really bad but its not all bad i think im just like this at the minute with my emotions being all over the place.

Boogabearzmom how long have you been with him?
has he always been like this??

alyssa'smommy i deffinatly agree that they seem to go back to childish????

Tamatha replied: Well, I haven't been through a pregnancy yet... hoping to be there with you all soon!! But here's my take on the situation.

It sounds like your guy is absolutely 100% scared out of his wits that he's going to be a daddy!! He doesn't understand the changes to your body, he doesn't know what to expect, and he isn't sure this is really what he wants anymore. Men are Fixers. When there is a problem, they want to be able to DO something about it. There is absolutely NOTHING he can really do at the moment because there really isn't anything to fix, besides himself and he doesn't see that he needs fixing! It sounds like he feels like his hands are tied and he doesn't know what to do about it, so he is going to alienate himself until he figures it out.

It does sound like he really cares about you, though, and that helps!! Remember that he IS a man, and they just don't pick up on things nearly as quickly as we want them to! My suggestion (and remember, while I am married, I haven't been in your shoes yet, but you're welcome to leave them for me anytime! ) is to just let him know that you love him, that you're there for him whenever he's ready to step up to the plate and be a daddy, and in the meantime, do whatever you have to do to keep yourself healthy and all together.

I hope that he gets it soon, for your sake and for the baby's!!

--Tam

Littlejojames replied: Just to show that craig can be nice and sweet sometimes he has just sent me a message that says

i'm going to make you the best tea ever tonight. love you and smudge loads xxxxxxx

Smudge is our nickname for the baby coz that what it looked like on my first scan

Tam think that your totally 100% right when you say me dont pick up as fast as we do??!!!
How long have you been trying for??
Fingers crossed that its you soon. It took me and craig 5 months of trying before we got there. Just remeber to relax and have fun it does happen

Josie83 replied: I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time I don't have anything new to add but just wanted to add my support! xx

coasterqueen replied:
I've been with my DH for 12 years now and we've been married a little over 7 years. My Dh has always been a drinker...not sure if he drank every night, but I guess I never paid attention to it before until I got pg with Kylie. That is really when I noticed him drinking every night. The only time it really bothers me now is when he drinks too much in a night. When he does he's not really responsive and useless to me if Kylie wakes up in the middle of the night.

He is not allowed to drink at all if I'm not there and he is alone with Kylie either. Some times I feel he's gotten worse with his drinking since Kylie was born but it all could just be how I perceive it now versus before I was pg with her.

Littlejojames replied: I think your a very stong person to say by him.

You remind me of myself.
I can call him till im blue in the face but if anyone else dares has a bad word against him you defend him to the hills.

How old is your daughter?
Is he excited about the one on the way???
Hope that everything is going well, and you have a healthy pregnancy.

Feels like its such a long time till next april.

Guest replied:
Well his drinking is REALLY his only bad quality, lol, well that and smoking. He is an EXCELLENT father to Kylie and we really DID have something at one time...we've just seem to have lost it and hopefully one day we can find it again. It's just really hard when you are dealing with a spirited child that takes every second of your time, lol.

LOL. I defend my husband less now than I used to, that's for sure. It's more like since having Kylie his friends defend him more against me than they did before. They act like he doesn't drink at all and I try to remind them that he does. Guys! UGH! LOL.

My DD is 2 and VERY VERY spirited (or what some people call HIGH-NEEDS). I pray she grows out of it before I go to my grave, lol. DH and I are both excited about the new baby too but both scared out of our minds because we can barely handle Kylie, let alone another one, lol.

I hope things are going well with you and your pg too. April seems like an ETERNITY!!!!

I always wanted more kids but after just 10 weeks of this pg with a toddler around...I think this is my last, lol. I've been a mental case and can't imagine getting too sane before this is all over with, lol.

((HUGS))

coasterqueen replied: oops, that last one was from me .

Tamatha replied:
I was on depo for many years and was due for my last shot in April. I didn't get one at that time. Just started getting AF again 2 months ago, should be due for 3rd any time in the next 2 weeks. I would honestly love to be pregnant by the end of the year, but if that isn't meant to be, it isn't meant to be. (Of course, I hoped that I would be pregnant today! lol) Will definitely keep you all posted!!

--Tam

Littlejojames replied:

So i take it your stopping at 2???
Told craig the other day that this is the 1st and last he just looked at me and said that we will see

Think that he wants a large family. The morning sickness and the sore boobs are killing me already.

What date are you due?
Are you going to find out the sex?
You hoping for a DS?? one of each would be nice.

Its hard when you miss the way things were, i miss everything about craig when we first got together the first kiss and cuddles and so on. Still get them now but it does not feel the same. We did get it back when there was just the 2 of us on holiday but when we got back his mates and brother were back on the scene and it all went back to normal. Like you say GUYS???!!!

Guest replied: not sure if I missed a post that said you actually did go stay at a hotel or somewhere else like a friends house for the night. I think like others mentioned that he needs a shake up into resonsibility.
If nothing else he will finally know how you feel when he stays out late. Not sure what you think about more children after this one but I'd wait to see how he deals with things when and after the baby comes.

Littlejojames replied: He took me for a meal on Friday night and then we had his niece on Saturday night.

Told him that i only want one the way im feeling at the minute. Really struggling with the morning sickness as it is and the hot flushes are not nice at all.

Were moving soon away from all this to another place so i hope that it all changes then.

Were going out as a couple this Friday.

Also all weekend he has been dropping hints like. Oh that rings nice that would be nice as a wedding ring. I just go Suppose so and carry on with what i was doing.

He asked me Friday though if i was getting bored with him i told him that im not but i am getting very bored and fed up with his Friday night antics..

Fingers crossed that things will change