Talking to kids about strangers? (do's/don'ts)

MommyToAshley wrote: DH and I have talked to Ashley about strangers in the past, but we like to bring the subject up every now and then as a reminder. We also talk to her about what to do if she gets lost.

We were talking to her today at the table after lunch. We even did a little role playing. DH would say, "I'm a stranger" ... "would you like some candy" and Ashely would scream and run away. Then, he'd say, "I am (insert the name of a person she knows), would you like some candy" and she would say "I have to ask my Mommy or Daddy first" (We taught Ashley to ask Mommy and Daddy first even if it is someone she knows) Then, instead of saying he is a stranger, DH used a name she didn't recognize. DH said, "Hi, I am John Smith... would you help me find my dog?" And, Ashley replied (since she didn't recognize the name), "Daddy, is that one of your clients?" LOL!

We did a little more role playing, and she seemed to catch on. But not sure what Ashley would really do if she were confronted with a real situation. So, just wondering ... how do you talk to your kids and what age do you think they really start to understand? (I know we talked about this before, but Ashley was much younger then... and I want to get some new ideas now that she is a little older)

mummy2girls replied: i am going through a delema with that... jenna is very open and will walk up to any stranger and say hi can i have a kiss and a hug. I am trying to teach her not to do that but its not working. Its a little scarey because she will go up to anyone that ushers her over.

And Aron has taught jenna her wrong last name which upsets me because im trying to get aron to understand that she needs to know her exact last name in case she goes missing or gets lost. Jennas last name is a combo of mine and arons. But he only teachers her the last name that is his. Which is very annoying. but he doesnt get it! UGH!

luvmykids replied: We're trying to reign in our friendlies too. I'm not sure they get it either, they're very outgoing and trusting. Even when someone isn't responding well to them, they don't quit so I'd hate to imagine someone who was really puttin on the charm.

Try www.mcgruff.org Something there might give you some ideas.

CantWait replied: That's great that you're starting, and that she's getting the hang of it

PrairieMom replied: We are just starting to think about this, and also good touch bad touch. I just don't know how to start this topic with a 2 year old.

amymom replied: It is hard. We practice often like you do. My kids are older but still very trusting. Along time ago, we set up a code word so that if our kids are somewhere and we need to send someone to get them (that they are not expecting) they are to use the code word (without being asked) in order for our kids to go with them. For instance, we leave them at daycare they know that Mom or Dad or whoever is going to pick them up, then if we can't come, we would send Mr. Smith. Now even if they knew Mr. Smith or even if it was a loved Aunt or Uncle, they are instructed to go to the person in charge and say I was not told Auntie was coming today. This gives us the reassurance that they won't go with ANYONE no matter how convincing they are, that they are ok. When my parents were alive we even told the kids they were not to go with Grandma or Grandpa, UNLESS we told them ahead of time they were coming or they had the code word OR the person we left them with said it was ok AFTER they told that person their concern. Bad people make themselves seem good to kids and adults alike. We want to give them the tools to stay away from 'bad' people. Our code word is easy to remember (like a favorite toy, or pet, or food, or storybook character), we would change it if we ever used it, AND the only ones that know it are my son, daughter, husband and myself. My son is older, but my DD has permission to go to the principal at her school if someone shows up to get her that she is not expecting. If they do not use the code word, she is allowed to tell them no I can't come with you and run (or run first if need be). We limit access to the code word but I know some families who have a circle of friends / family who have the code word. Also, the word is to be spoken, not written, I have heard of instances where a perpertrator (sp) will write something on a paper to get near the kid. Or a mall kid won't want to admit they can't read, or all kinds of tricks. Our limit of people they go with, is so that they will ALWAYS listen for the code word. The person would be instructed to say: Mom told me to get you. I need to say 'Apple' so you would know she sent me. And then my kid could relax. Also we tell our kids not to ask for the code word but when they go to the person in charge of them, that they tell them their is supposed to be a code word. This way they are not a complaining kid but a kid with a concern.

Sorry that got long, I have a deep fear of my kids getting missing somehow, and we talk about this all the time (hopefully not so much as to make them paranoid). Also, now that my son is almost 15 I think that it is harder to keep him safe, if you can believe that.

luvbug00 replied: I haven't really done that much just told her to scream and run if somone she doesn't know (and we aren't arround) tuches her. Brad on the other hand uses the terrify the snot out of her approch. He tells her that if she wanders off ( like at the mall) somone will snach her and take her away. obviously has NO idea what he has put in her head. And so she will only talk to strangers if I do it first.

jcc64 replied: This is an ongoing discussion, and it only gets more complicated the older they get. I have been meaning to post about this regarding kids and internet safety. I'm sure some of you have seen the "Dateline" piece about teens who frequent Myspace.com. A 14 yr old girl was recently found in a dumpster in N.J. after meeting a contact from that site. Being a clueless adult, I had never heard of this site, but sure enough, every single kid I asked had- most of them have pages up. Shockingly, I found most of my sons' friends simply by typing in their first and last names, after which their pictures and personal info popped up. No one had a street address, but if you live in a small town and have a listed phone number, it would take all of 5 minutes to track one of these kids down. They also posted little blogs about themselves, as well as some shockingly provocative pictures (mainly the girls), and across the board, they misrepresented themselves as older than they are (they are all 13). Some of them even had more than one page- 1 that was clearly intended for parental approval, and one that clearly was not- full of sexual enticements and inappropriate content. Needless to say, I was completely horrified. These are otherwise smart, high achieving kids from good homes with involved parents. I think the computer is the method of choice for kids to communicate with each other, but despite all the warnings, it's amazing how unsafe their habits still are. I spoke at great length with my own teenage son, who did not have a page up, and he seems to understand the seriousness of what I'm saying, but it's a scary world out there.
Anyway, I didn't mean to hijack your thread Dee Dee. With the little ones, I think amymom's practice of having a family code word is critical. Pedophiles are so smart and cagey- I doubt many of them use the candy lure anymore. But they are very adept at telling an isolated child that his/her mom sent him to return them to her, and children, being trusting, are likely to believe that scenario. Make sure Ashley knows that unless whomever she's speaking with knows the family code word, she is NEVER to go with them. That is a very clear directive that requires no judgment call on the part of the child. You have to remember that kids tend to believe that a "bad guy" will look and act like a "bad guy", despite all of our warnings. This way, every other part of the exchange is irrelevant. He/she either knows the code word, or he doesn't- in which case she is to RUN and find a trusted adult asap.
Having said all that, you have to do a side by side comparison of how often/likely your child is in a position of being approached by strangers without your knowledge and how much you want to frighten them or make them paranoid. Obviously, the younger they are, the less likely they are to actually be alone, which is why I wouldn't feel the need to perpetually bombard her with warnings. I think alot of abductions occur with kids who have achieved a modest amount of independence- riding a bike to a friends house or walking to school- that kind of thing.
And finally, unfortunately, alot of these kinds of tragedies occur between children and adults who have managed to gain the child's trust over an extended period of time. Be wary of overly solicitous adults, too friendly neighbors, etc - but that is our job much more than it is the child's.
It's not a fun part of parenting- is it?

amymom replied: I totally agree with Jeanne. She said what I wanted to say more succinctly:



To me this is one of the most important parts. No matter how well my kids know the person they were not to go with them unless they were informed by us before hand, OR they know the code word. I won't even call the school and send a message that so & so is picking you up. I talk to DD or I go myself, or they would have the code word.

jcc64 replied:

Do I EVER say anything succinctly????????

MommyToAshley replied: The code word is a great idea. However, I wonder if Ashley would just tell everyone the code word. I've tried to discourage her from telling just anyone our address and phone number, but she seems to offer up that information. And, she's not very good at keeping "secrets". What age did you start the code word?

And, you are right Jeanne. Ashley is never out of my sight... except when she goes to preschool. And, they have very strict procedures for drop off/pcik up. Every other minute of her life, she is where DH or I can see her (unless MIL is babysitting). But, it only takes one second for something to happen and Ashley to get lost or out of sight, and I want her to know what to do and not to do in that situation.

You all have given some great ideas... I'm glad I asked. And, I think we will have to deal with the internet even sooner... kids are getting on the net earlier and earlier.

C&K*s Mommie replied: We have not begun the talks with Christian yet, about that. She knows the vital information about herself (like her full name, phone #, birthday, etc)- in case she is lost. Although she gets them criss-crossed sometimes.

I am not sure how we are going to approach this topic, but we need to start soon. We plan on buying the dvd by John Walsh and Julie Clark (Baby Einstein inventor) called Stranger Safety that gives important updated information about strangers. Like what you are teaching Ashley, that someone that can hurt you may not be a stranger-but someone that you (as the parent) & she may know.

I am short on time, and I have not read the other posts yet. So I apologize if this has been mentioned before.

luvbug00 replied: I have a myspace page and it's crazy what kind of stuff people put up. (16 year olds with privtes flashing) and what kind of people try and talk to you. WHich I why i rarely use it.

ilovemybaby replied: Abby is also really friendly and she puts her arms out to anyone for a hug. She is only 20 months though. As soon as she can understand I will teach her not to talk to strangers. I don't think it will be a problem. I never spoke to strangers when I was a kid.
I'm more concerned about people she knows. You can't trust anyone these days. We very rarely have kidnappings or anything here... in all my life (27 years) I have only heard of three. Two were attempted, one successful however he dumped the girl after he did what he wanted to... :( And the police found her.

Most cases of abuse happen in the family.
NZ is a really safe place though compared to the US and Canada.