Tantrums... - any experience?

Kentuckychick wrote: So the little girl I babysit (not really little, she's 7) likes to throw a good tantrum. The kind where she claws, hits, bites, kicks and screams at whoever is closest to her. I've tried everything from carrying her kicking and screaming to her room and depositing her on her bed to just ignoring the situation. Yesterday I even resorted to taking her in my arms and sitting with her on my lap pretty much holding her down -- my arms across hers (which, looking at the bruises on my shins from her kicking worked REAL well) and it upset her older brother who couldn't really understand that I wasn't hurting her what with all the "HELP ME's" and the "YOU'RE KILLING ME'S" in between sobbing and laughing like a maniac... so I won't be trying that again.

If you put her in time out she blatantly ignores you and moves. She screams until your ears hurt...

but of course once it's all over she wants to come love on you and get cuddles.

Anyone have any good tips to help me not completely lose my patience.

Calimama replied: Have you asked her mother what SHE does when this little girl does it at home? And I can't believe she's 7 and acts like that.

CantWait replied: The daughter of the lady who use to babysit Anthony when he was a baby use to throw tantrums like this and maybe worse. She'd throw things off the top of the stairs, stomp on the upstairs floors etc....

They took her to a neurologist, I don't know what became of that. Personally I think it's a cock of poo.

I'd ask the mother if she's like this at home and what she uses for disipline. No matter what you do at your house, if the mom/parents aren't doing anything at home, whatever you do isn't going to work.

MommyToAshley replied: I agree, I'd talk to the Mom. It would be easier if you and the parent were consistent. However, I know kids that get away with everything at home but have to come respect the rules of another authority figure. So, even if she doesn't have rules at home, she can learn that there are certain rules in your house.

If you try to force her in the room, someone will probably get hurt...I think I would just clear the others out of the way until she is done with the tantrum so noone gets hurt. Then you need to address the behavior. The next time you see her, I would sit down and set the rules, rewards and consequences for breaking the rules. Maybe do a sticker chart... if she goes the entire day without a tantrum, then she gets a sticker. At the end of the week, if she has X amount of stickers she gets a treat... it can be something small like ice cream, or she gets to pick the activity for the next day, etc. With that being said, I don't like charts myself because I have a hard time keeping up with them and then it defeats the purpose. So, maybe have a prize box that she can pick a prize from if she goes the entire day without a tantrum. Again, it doesn't have to be a big prize. If she has a tantrum, then you could take away her favorite toy, or she had to sit out the next activity, or whatever you decide the punishment is. But, being consistent is going to be key. She has to learn the consequences for her actions. Apologizing and saying I love you is good, but she chose to throw a tantrum and there are still needs to be consequences for her actions.

Also, when you talk to her about the new rules, I'd also talk to her about other ways she can show her disappointment or anger.


Good luck, sounds like you have your hands full.

lovemy2 replied: I agree that at 7 its over the top for her to have tantrums like that but I would also look at what causes them - I wouldn't totally discount that she may have ODD or something like that - how is she at school and home and when she is with others - like on playdates, etc.

A&A'smommy replied: I agree with what was said above!!! talk to the mom and find out what she does, and 7 is WAY too old to be acting like that!!!!!

Kentuckychick replied: Sorry I'd gone out.

I agree with everyone who's said at 7 it's over the top... I think that's why I'm having such a difficult time. I'm used to tantrums with preschoolers but this is just beyond me at this point.

Her mother really isn't home much and from what I've seen she just goes with the ignoring route and she and her husband have a rule that if the kids are fighting they both get into time out regardless of who started it (I don't agree with that rule and won't use it because I know that she starts things on purpose). I've been working on the older child to just walk away, go into his room and shut the door but he struggles with this. There are several other sitters (grandfather/aunt and a sitter) who've witnessed similar behaviors.

I've talked to the mother about it before and she's never really offered any sort of advice. She's told me I can spank the kids if I need to (I'm not for that).

I'm beginning to think some sort of therapy may be in order. The problems for the children started shortly after the birth of their brother and their mother starting to work and have increased from there.

It's difficult. I haven't ever tried a reward system -- I might do something like that. I know she does well at school and on playdates, but she does not do well with having friends over (she gets angry with them, doesn't like them playing with her things, calls names, etc...) It's frustrating.

Boo&BugsMom replied: She seems very emotionally immature. If her parents only ignore her or use time out all the time, she isn't being shown how to handle her emotions correctly and needs someone to show her how to problem solve effectively. Seems like she isn't being shown HOW to problem solve. She needs to learn how.

grapfruit replied:
ITA.

It almost sounds as if she's frustrated b/c she isn't sure how to communicate her anger, etc so she lashes out. I think if possible, one on one time talking to her and showing her what you need/want from her will help.

mom21kid2dogs replied: Are they seeing this behavior at school as well?

Kentuckychick replied:
Not that I know of... as far as I'm aware she has no problems at school and does really well (she's in first grade).

Although I did ask her once if she ever got into trouble at school and she said she "didn't because she wants to get manner awards"... almost as if that's the only reason she's good is to get the award...

I like the idea of talking to her about her emotions and I've noticed that at times when I ask her what's making her angry or I try to talk with her that often helps calm her down. It's when she's to far into the tantrum that it's difficult to pull her out of it.

I don't feel like either of the children are shown effective problem solving skills though so I think that one hit the nail on the head. They will never leave anything alone. Once a fight begins they will continue it until they feel like they have won or I have successfully removed them from one another. I try not to lose my temper but sadly I have a few times (I yell when I do -- I don't hit or anything. But I don't like yelling either and I'm pretty sure I end up feeling worse than they do and they learn nothing from it).

I'm going to talk to the mother next time I go over while they are at school. There has to be something we can all do together (I'll suggest talking to her about expressing feelings and setting up some sort of reward system for the first few weeks) to help her express herself better.

The older child has difficulty too but he breaks down more often and has more emotional difficulties than anger issues. I don't know that it's much better for him... but it's easier to deal with.

My2Beauties replied: See I was going to go with the "ignore her" approach only because usually when they throw tantrums they want attention, even if it's negative attention. Sounds like the mother does this though and it doesn't work. I like Dee Dee's suggestions too. Try that and see if it works. I also agree that 7 is way too old for those types of outbursts. My child is 4 and has never thrown a tantrum that bad. She goes on crying sprees and has yelled, but she has never kicked and screamed and all of that. Thank goodness.