The sister in law... - Too personal??

MyLuvBugs wrote: Ok. My sister in law is a prude, I think. She's very sweet, has a good sense of humor, and we get along, BUT....

She's getting married next March, so I'm helping to plan the bridal shower and bachellorette party. Well, apparently, she told her maid of honor that she didn't want any lingerie or adult type gifts at all. Does she even know that she's going to have to have sex with this boy at some point intheir marriage? What's wrong with a little lacey night gown or a massage book?

Am I just being ridiculous?

So, that gets me thinking...sounds like she's still a virgin (which is perfectly fine and dandy)...so, does she not want this stuff because she's scared of it? Or perhaps she's embarassed about her sexuality?

I don't know. My friends and family talk about it out in the open all the time, so maybe i'm a bit one sided. Do you all think I should approach her about it, and make sure she's ok? I mean it's no big deal. Sex is a part of life, and none of us would be here with out it, right? lol

~Roo'sMama~ replied: Well IMO if she doesn't want adult gifts then it's no big deal. Maybe she is afraid of getting something that she will be embarrassed to open in front of everybody. Lacy nightgowns and massage books aren't so bad but I've seen some pretty risque gifts given at showers. Just because she is more modest and private about this stuff doesn't make her a prude.

5littleladies replied:
I agree. Some people are more private about their sex life than others. Maybe she just isn't comfortable with everyone and their mother knowing what she will be wearing in the bedroom for her new husband. I would just let it go.

gr33n3y3z replied: I agree with the other ladies

mckayleesmom replied: Im going to say.....maybe she just doesn't use that kind of stuff and doesn't want you guys to waste your money on it.

MyLuvBugs replied: I understand that some people are more private, and I totally respect that. I just don't get what the big deal is I guess. It kinda makes me feel like she doesn't trust her best friends and myself to know what she would or wouldn't like. And if that's the case then why bother throwing her a shower in the first place, b/c she's obviously not going to be happy with whatever we do b/c she doesn't trust our tastes. (that was a long sentence )

She and I are VERY similar in our tastes also. Half the stuff on her registries is stuff that I like and want for my own home. So, I'm not sure if it's a personal taste issue.

I don't know. Prude probably was the wrong word, but I don't understand why she has to be so childish about certain things. It makes me worried that they are going to have sex and then she's going to freak out about it. I guess I just worry about her. She's not even my sis and I worry. Good Grief!

5littleladies replied: I honestly don't know why this is such a big deal. Maybe she just doesn't like to talk to other people about her sex life. I know I didn't when I first got married-not because I was a prude, but because it was PERSONAL. I make posts here on the p&i forum about things like that and I have a select friend or two who I will talk to about sex but in general my sex life is between me and my husband and it really isn't anyone elses business. I hate that sex isn't treated like something special anymore.

~Roo'sMama~ replied:
I think you are just reading too much into it. Not wanting to get adult *toys* for her bridal shower does not mean she's afraid of sex, it just means she doesn't want them!
Frankly I didn't really want to get anything like that for my showers either - partly because I'm a shy person, but mostly just because I didn't have any money to buy the things I needed for my home, so I hoped I'd get the things I registered for as gifts otherwise I wouldn't get them at all. I did end up getting some nighties and lotions and I loved them but I would have prefered to get the stuff I really needed.
Honestly, I think you should just respect her wishes and not worry about it. I'm sure she's not trying to be picky or make you feel like she won't like what you get her.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I agree with everyone else. I think you're making a big deal out of something that IMO is not really your business. Who cares if she may be a virgin or not. Or that she doesn't want risque gifts. I didn't want that stuff at my shower either, but I am certainly no virgin or scared of my sexuality. And I really don't think it would be your place to ask her about it. It's her shower, not yours. Try and make her happy. I'm going to be honest here, but I think the only one being childish is you. I'm sorry, but it ounds like you're upset because you're not getting what YOU want out of it. And I must add, I don't think your brother would be too pleased if he knew you were worried about their sex life. JMHO.

3'smom replied: I'd just respect her wishes. Some people are just more private.

MyLuvBugs replied:
It is something special. However, not everyone is a rocket scientist at it. Therefore, we all need friends or family to talk to about it. Get advice and tips, etc. Sorry to have offended you so much. I'm just trying to help out MY sister-in-law that I care deeply about.

MyLuvBugs replied:
Ok. I don't care if she's a virgin or not. I really could care less. However, this girl is VERY immature. Her current PJ's are Strawberry shortcake and Eeyore.

I also realize it's not my business, but since I CARE about her, I want her to be happy in all areas of her marriage and life. I worry that she's too immature in some portions of her life that it will hurt her marriage right from the start. She and her fiance are soooo cute, and I'm hoping that he's not the type of guy that will run if things aren't good, but ya never know. It's been known to happen.

If anything, I just wanted to be there for advice if she needs it. I don't think she's ever talked about it with even her friends. And Sex is a big thing to mentally get a grasp on if you're not prepared for it (believe me). If she's not ready, then I want to be there for her.

As for the gifts, she thinking that we all were going to get her dildos and s&m devices is completely gross. We all know her and would never do that!!!! But to close off the complete idea of getting a beautiful silk night gown or two is a little different.

As for me being childish, that's and interesting comment since you know nothing about me. I am an extremely caring person, and open with my feelings, emotions, and thoughts. Which I thought a message board was for expressing these thoughts, feelings and thoughts. But I guess I was WRONG, huh?

I'm so sorry if my opinions and my thoughts and feelings DIFFER from yours. However, it takes a mature and ADULT individual to accept the ideas of others. I accept and understand your thoughts and don't degrade you. I accept and understand my sister in laws thoughts as well. However, I thought I would use this forum to vent a little of my thoughts, without having to tell her and upset her.
Sorry if you don't understand that!

MomToMany replied:
ITA. If she doesn't want that kind of stuff, you shouldn't push the issue. I know I wouldn't want any gifts like that at MY bridal shower.

MyLuvBugs replied: Just as a side note, My brother and I are open with our sex lives and everything else. As are my parents and I.

That's probably why I find my husbands side of the family so odd.

MyLuvBugs replied:
Thanks Mollie.
I'm not going to press the issue with her.

Also, thanks for the advice from some of you. It helped to talk about it all so that I didn't have to talk to the SIL and upset her.

Mommy2BAK replied: I get what you are trying to say, and I think that is very caring of you to be concerned. But if I were in your case I would just not worry about it. But in a non-schalant way mention to her that you are there to talk for her about anything. Hope that helps!

MyLuvBugs replied: Thank you Blakely
That really does help.

Mommy2BAK replied:
LOL, actually I am Tamara, my daughter is Blakely. But I never really thought about my signature is pretty confusing.

3_call_me_mama replied: This is a subject that I coudl (but won't ) go on for hours about. I am not a prude, nto afraid of sex , wear kiddish PJ's whe I rarely wear PJ's adn I do not find anythign wrong with you SIL not wantign these type gifts. When I was getting married I flat out told my mother, MIL adn close friends and family that there were to be 1) No strippers 2) no nasty bachelorette party (or they could go without me) 3) no lingerie 4)no toys of any type to be given to me as gifts. And since generally only those very close to yo woudl give those sort of things they were all informed. I have no interest in that type stuff and don't feel that a celebration of marriage is the place for those things to be given, so I too fele that you need to respect your SIL wishes and leve it at that.
I never really understood the whoel point of bachelorette parties or bachelor parties.. people are supposed to be celebrating the beginning of a new life as husband and wife.. why does teh need to get one last fling in happen? Is it that important to watch the opposite sex parade around nude before you marry? I just never understood it, still don't. If you really want to give her that type gift, do it in private, not at a public party that could cause her embarassment and ruin the day for her. I know I would have considered my shower ruined If i was very embarrassed by a gift I recieved. Also I think a lot of wedding parties adn best friend tend to forget that this day is about the Bride and what they would want NOT what the bridal party wants or thinks what woudl be fun. Just my 2 cents.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I am sorry if I offended you...I didn't mean too. And of course I don't know you just like I don't know anyone else here. I feel that we could be honest here, but I think you may have read my post stronger than it was meant. Sorry...like I said in my original post. I wasn't trying to point blame on you. Just giving my opinion.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Carrie - same here.

I got married in May - and I already had 2 kids, was pg with my 3rd - so I wasn`t a virgin... lol

But - I told my friends that I wasn`t a fan of nudity for entertainement to begin with - which they know - so a strip club was out of the question. Same for DH.

We had more fun staying up late all the girls together, gossiping, pigging out on junk and watching chick flicks, playing with makeup and our hair, than we would have getitng drunk and wathing men flaunt their jocks at us for money.

The guys went out to dinner, then they had a game fest - they played network videogames al night! and got drunk of course - but not too drunk.

We didnt`have a shower - mainly because we`d already been living togethr for a ocuple years.... but the night AFTER our wedding, we went to a friends house for a get tgether between friends - and they gave us a big basket full of stuff. Fuzzy handcuffs, some sexy dice, for him and for her, some lotions, a waterproff erotic bath book, some hand-held massagers (little guys with ball-feet - look like 3 legged spiders lol) and some other stuff that wasn`t too kinky at all)

It was a surprise - and it wasn`t in front of everybody and anybody - it was just between friends, who`d gotten together to give us a basket of fun stuff they knew we`d never spend money on ourselves. Had we gotten that in front of my grandparents, for example, I would have been a little less impressed.... lol

MyLuvBugs replied:
Oh my gosh, I'm sorry Tamara. Well, thank you then, and blakely. lol

MyLuvBugs replied: I'm sorry if one of my posts seems a little crazed yesterday. It just wasn't a good day for me in many, many ways, and I think reading that I was being called names like "childish" was the straw that broke the camels back. The crying started and it was all down hill from there.

Perhaps it will help to let you all know what type of Bridal shower and separate bachellorette party we are all planning for the SIL. The bridal shower is going to be Strawberries and Daisies themed b/c that's the two things she loves (besides her fiance). It will be for friends and family, and strictly gifts from her registry. Nothing risque.

The Bachellorette party for her is a few days before ther wedding, and is just for her bridesmaids and me for some reason (although I don't know if I'll actually be there for it). However, it will be a night of facials, manicures, rootbeer floats, movies and gossip. lol B/c that's what she likes.

I have decided to take some of your advice. I'm still going to get her a beautiful satin night gown, b/c I feel that every woman (young or old) should have at least one really pretty piece of lingerie), but I'm going to wrap it up nice, and just give it to her in private. Then let her know also that if she ever needs someone to talk to, I'll be there for her.

Funny part is, I did ask her if she actually told her Maid of honor that she didn't want a bachellorette party at all, and she wrote back that that wasn't what she said at all. So...there ya go.

MyLuvBugs replied:
I too wear kiddish PJ's everyonce in awhile. My favs are my disney "Grumpy" ones. They're so cute! But I also wear others. The point by my previous post, was that she only has cartoon and childish PJs. Here sheets on her bed are Strawberry shortcake. She carries a strawberry shortcake backpack when she goes on trips instead of a purse, she talks baby talk at times with her mother. She has never lived anywhere but her parents house. She doesn't know how to cook, and thinks that cleaning is disgusting (which it is). She still throws temper tantrums, and everyone attributes that to her red hair (whatever). She makes her mom fix her a different meal if she doesn't like what everyone else is eating...and there is so much more.

The point I'm trying to make is that she is a very immature person in many ways. Which is weird b/c she's very mature with her job, but with her personal life it's like she's stuck at the age of 14. I'm not trying to degrade your opninions, I'm merely trying to paint you all a picture of this girl.

As for the bachellorette party question, I completely agree that they shouldn't be for a last night fling. My best friends was horrible ( IMO). She had a stripper, penis pops, nasty q&a games, alcohol, ugh...But it wasn't a last night of sex and debachory. Personally, I think a bachellorette party is for hanging out with friends and trying to relax before the wedding. People do that in different ways. I personally didn't have a bachellorette party b/c we were all sooooo tired. My husband did though. He and his friends had a couple of drinks then went back to the hotel to play NCAA football on the xbox. He said it was really fun having all his friends together in one place. That's what its all about to me. Hanging out and having fun.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
That's what I had - and to me, it was better than a raunchy night out.

Good luck - and I think that giving her something like that in private is a good idea.

5littleladies replied:
I'm sorry if my post was too harsh. I have a new baby in the house and I'm a bit touchy about things right now. I realize that not everyone knows alot about sex, I know that I didn't , but my husband and I figured things out together and didn't ask advice from anyone. That's all I'm saying-even if she doesn't know much, even if she doesn't get lots of info from people, they will work things out.

Our Lil' Family replied:
I think that's the best thing to do! Sex, for many people, is a very private thing. I personally only talk about my sex life with my DH and my best friend of 13 years, it's just a very personal and intimate thing for me. I know others feel more comfortable with talking about it but it's a very touchy subject that can cross the line quickly so approaching the topic cautiously is wise.

And I think the satin nightgown is perfect!

Mommy2BAK replied:
I think that is a wonderful idea!!! You are a nice sister in law

3_call_me_mama replied: I liek your idea of giving her a saitn nightgown in private. It is meaningful to you and also allows her some privacy if she chooses. From your description it does sound as she has a little growing up to do (cooking, cleaning adn temper tantrums generally are part of a marriage.. at least she has a head start on teh tantrums ) good luck adn enjoy the wedding

~Roo'sMama~ replied:
I agree -giving it to her in private is a great idea! I'm sure she will appreciate it.

Also I'm sorry if my posts came off as harsh... this is a sensative subject for me.

MyLuvBugs replied:
No it wasn't you. I was just upset that I was being called "childish". It wasn't you. I understand that this is a sensitive subject to most people. Sorry if it hit a bit close to home.

MyLuvBugs replied:
It wasn't too harsh. And I didn't know anything about sex either, but I asked questions after the first time was so bad. Friends and the internet are great pools of information I have found. Almost too much information in some cases. lol but you are right, they will work it out and ask questions if they have any.

A&A'smommy replied:
ITA