Trying to make a decision

Danalana wrote: *loss mentioned*








I named the first baby I lost. I had read that it helps in the healing process (I hope that kicks in soon!). I named her Rain...rain is my favorite thing. Before Richard and I got married, his mother dreamed that we would have a girl and then a boy. So, I've been trying to decide whether or not to name this one. The thing is, naming makes it seem so much more real...somehow.
Do yall have opinions on it?

luvbug00 replied: if it helps with the greving prosses then i say go ahead and name your baby.

lovemy2 replied: I think only you can answer that question...grieving is a very personal thing and although you can do it with others support in the end it has to be what YOU need to help you grieve....

Danalana replied: Yeah, I understand. I just wondered if any of you had done it and found it helpful.

moped replied: I have never done it......but you are the one to decide if it helps you heal

amymom replied: Dana, It is a personal choice as others have said.

I will tell you my personal experiences. Myself--I had two losses and have not named either. My second loss we know is a boy and we chose not to give him a name. There are lots of reasons why we chose not to, but they are all personal and would not pertain to you and your situation.

My SIL had a miscarriage and did name her child, my brother put that baby's initials on a small charm that my SIL will sometimes wear on a chain around her neck. It comforts me when I see it. They did not share the name with any of us, they kept it very personal. I also know some people are not aware that they named the baby.

As you can see it is a very personal choice, what does Richard think?

luvbug00 replied: i did not. my reason was because i block things that are too painful. for me it was/is very painful and to name would bring that emotional attachment and i can't handle that. again it's up to you and what is best for you

Maddy'sMommy replied: My husband and I named ours... but we did not tell others. The name has a lot of meaning to us and we really didn't think anyone else needed to know. I hope you and your husband can figure out what is best for you both.

indywndy_04 replied: I agree, I think it is a personal choice. Me personally, I wouldn't because it would be too much for me. I tried to keep it in my mind that if I didn't see it on the U/S then it just wasn't developed into a fetus or anything, that is the way I coped. If I would have seen it on the U/S then it would have been MUCH harder for me. I just kept it in my mind that it was just undeveloped cells.

I understand your pain though and I really hope you heal soon.

jcc64 replied: I didn't name mine. But it's not like I'm for it or against it- it just never occured to me.

My best girlfriend lost a baby at 36 wks gestation. She went through labor and delivery- the whole deal. She named the baby, took many pictures with him, and gave him a proper burial. We gave her a charm bracelet with his name and birth/death date. She wears it all the time, and I think it really helped her alot. I realize your situation is a little different, but whatever gets you through the night....

indywndy_04 replied:
OHhhh that is terrible! Do you know what caused it?

msoulz replied: I have had two losses that I am certain of and one that I just never tested, but I know. After the initial hurt I took comfort in focusing on the logical side of it (or at least my version of logic). In my world, there was something terribly wrong with the baby and he/she was spared a lot of pain and suffering - which also makes sense to me as mother nature does seem to know more than medical science. It's like losing a loved one who was in pain - it is so sad to see them go but a relief at the same time. Focusing on the relief is what helps - the "half full" side of the story. By this I do not mean there is a half full side, just that focusing on something less painful is helpful.

I learned this from my mother who miscarried 7 times after having my brother and me, the last one nearly cost us our mother when I was 10 years old. She knows about loss and grief and I know her advice helped me.

Bottom line is that we all heal differently, as has been mentioned, and hopefully you will be able to focus on more positive things soon.

Edited to attempt to clarify.

moped replied:
My cousin lost her baby at 40 weeks (stillborn) last year, her name is Charlie, a baby girl and she was over 10 pounds. They had a burial and service for hte mom and dad an grandparents.

I am not making light of anything or anyone, but I think that is totally and 100% tragic to have a 40 week stillborn, I am sure it doesn't help what you are going through Dana, but you can perhaps find peace in that it was a VERY early fetus that never developed past that stage of x number of weeks..............

I look at a mc very realistically as well, but have many people in my life that take it very hard and I wish I could do anything at all to help.

Danalana replied: Oh, I know anything could be worse. Mine could have been further along. I could have had 3 instead of just 2. The one that was stillborn could have been alive for a year first. It could always be worse. But I believe at conception it was a person...maybe not everybody feels that way. I don't know. Maybe I don't have a realistic way to see it.

moped replied:
I understand what you are saying but would it help any to try to think the other way to ease your pain????

Danalana replied: I guess so.

moped replied: You don't sound convincing -

I am sure i am only making matters worse.

Anyways, that is my take on the whole thing............I am sure it does not help one bit

~Roo'sMama~ replied:
I know how you feel Dana, I feel the same way. I have never lost a child other than to early miscarriage so I don't have anything to compare it to, but to me the loss is just as great as if I had been 40 weeks pregnant or if I'd already given birth. I loved my baby and had hopes and dreams for her even though I never got to know her.

To answer your original question, I didn't name the baby I lost until last month - a year after my m/c. If I'd had a name in mind that meant something to me in the beginning we probably would have done it then, but I didn't want to just pick a random name. It wasn't something I needed in order to heal, but when I started thinking of the baby as Faith Dh and I decided to name her that (we don't know she was a girl, that is just what I think it was) - it's nice to have something to think of her as other than just "the miscarriage" or "the baby we lost".

Danalana replied: Thanks. I appreciate everyone's responses...
We don't have to talk about it anymore. I'll think about it and go from there.

MyBabeMaddie replied: I say if it didn't help the first time maybe you should find other ways to grieve

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Just wanted to say I'm very sorry since I don't think I was around when you originally posted your loss. You do whatever you feel is right for you and your DH. I have never lost a child, so I do not know what I would do in that situation. Many P&PTs to you and your family.

jem0622 replied: I did not name my two angels. It's a personal choice. HUGS.

Miranda1127 replied:
i completely agree. but me personally i would not put a name on my pain, it would just make it so much worse for me. good luck. and i'm always around if you need it

Jackie012007 replied: we didn't name ours... heck we don't even talk about it. I'm still sad but he doesn't seem affected at all...