WWYD?

PrairieMom wrote: I already know what I want to do, but I thought I would ask the question to see how y-all feel, and to see what you guys would do.

My MIL has invited Ben to spend a few weeks at her house this summer by himself. She has asked him already twice ( BEFORE talking to either me or Dh about it)

He has never spent a night away from home with out us, and she lives a full 12 hours drive away from us, so 24 hours round trip driving.

She has no respect for the way that I feed my kids, (no HFCS, organic, no candy, etc. ) she gave the kids popcycles for breakfast when we were out there for Christmas for petes sake.
Ok, maybe its not no respect, but she has no clue as to why I feed them the way I do, doesn't understand why, and basically thinks I am a dietary wack job.

To top it off, it will be this summer, just after the baby is born.
So, you probably know what I am going to do.

WWYD?

luvbug00 replied: to each his own Tara as far as food. I deffinately do not have the disipline to keep up with any kind of alternitive food diet, so even though i dont always get why per say, I do respect and admire the disipline that goes within. that being said.
I would (if it were me) honestly keep him home.
Not sure if it would be good for his system to have another kind of diet in his system if he has been on a spasific eatting habit. (id be worried about system rebelion like stomach dislike of prosessed foods)
Also i think she needs to respect how you and your husband have chosen to reaise your kids food wise and make an attempt to continue this for reasons of stablity.
Finally getting a child who hasnt eatten processed foods back to organic and such after the goodies of the processed world may prove to be a fight that your not willing to have when you also have another young one and newborn at home. I wouldnt think fighting one child about food when he gets back for possibly some time, worth having him go.
But thease are just my opinions.

Our Lil' Family replied: I would send him. Some of the best memories I have are summers with my grandparents. DH and I were just talking about this the other night, he couldn't believe I'd spend a week or more at a time there every holiday break. That's just something you can't get back once the time has passed. Although the distance is a bit far, just send him with an insurance card for emergencies. As for the food situation....I'd let that slide too...it's not like it's allergies she's ignoring....it's a grandparent thing. Plus what better timing to send him then right after the baby is born!!! One less kid to worry about....personally I'd be asking for them to take both of them!

DVFlyer replied: Your kid, your rules. Just remember if you don't send him, you can't feel bad about it later.

'nuff said.

And yes, you're a dietary whack job. LOL

PrairieMom replied:
OH! don't MAKE me start citing articles...


Getting him despoiled after christmas was a NIGHTMARE. He had a complete screamy fit at me just after we got home in the middle of a furniture store. When I told him he was acting spoiled he yelled at me, " YOU spoil me because you never let me eat anything good like GRANDMA"
I had to take a moment.


as for sending him right after the baby, My thinking was that we should all stick together after the baby comes so that there aren't any " the baby came, now mom is ditching me" type feelings. Or, is he maybe old enough to be past that?

He would have SO much fun, but It is just so far away, and I really wish my MIL would just keep her opinions to herself and honor my wishes instead of just rolling her eyes at me and doing what she wants anyway. Christmas really did nearly kill me. I just bit my tongue and let things slide, we were on vacation after all, and it was a special occasion, but MAN did I pay for it when we got home.

I'm not letting him go. Maybe next year, or if they want to come here and take him camping near by or something, but 12 hours away is just to dang far for a just barely 7 year old to go, IMO. Not that I wouldn't mind getting him out of the house for a while...

coasterqueen replied:
I agree. Let him go. You can't always shelter him from others eating habits. Besides he doesn't get to go there often, right?

stella6979 replied:
I agree as well.

moped replied: My parents are a 12 hour drive away and I would totally 100% send him, I just can't wait for mom to offer!!!!!!!

PrairieMom replied:
2 or 3 times a year.
For me I think it is more of a distance thing, and not so much of the food thing, as a blatant disregard of how we are doing things in our home. I am anti gun, they want to take him hunting, we are anti consumerism, she can't walk into a store with out buying the kids something, that kind of thing. She isn't malicious about it, she just has an idea of how things are going to go in her head, and that is what is going to happen regardless of what I say. I just don't trust her to honor my wishes.
It boils down to a lack of control, and I don't think I am willing to give up my control yet.

MommyToAshley replied:
The letting him eat anything and spoiling with gifts, I would probably look the other way and let it slide... it's part of being spoiled by grandparents for a week. I have to "un-spoil" Ashely after she comes home from one night of being spoiled by grandma. It's so funny the things grandparents let their grandkids do that they would never imagine spoiling their own kids like that.

However, the gun and hunting thing is an entirely different issue... that's a safety issue. I would not let Ashley stay some place that there was a gun in the house, or even dream of letting her go someplace that someone might take her hunting. That's an entirely different situation.

PrairieMom replied:
They have guns, My FIL is a huge hunter, they are always locked up and un loaded tho, but believe me, when I am there I am SO aware that they are there. I can't even tell you how many time they have told ben that they are going to take him hunting. They KNOW how I feel about it, I won't even let the kids have water guns. She wants to get him a BB gun. I don't care WHAT kind of a gun it is, I don't want my kids having anything to do with it. But it goes back to the thing where she doesn't hear what I say, she is going to do what she wants to do.

She just laughs me off. It is SO annoying. I try to be flexible, and and just let things slide, but it just wears on me. I think most of the issue is that I am STILL annoyed from Christmas.


Isn't despoiling the worst? If we visit for 5 days it usually takes just about that long to get the kids back to normal when we get home. I cant imagine how long it would take to get him back to normal after 2 weeks.

Maybe I would let him go next year, but going 600 miles away for your first over night alone trip is to far for me to let him go.

I talked with DH last night and he thinks it would be ok for him to go. Yeah. hes not.

boyohboyohboy replied: Tara, you have to do what you are comfortable with. Just having the baby home is going to be stressful enough. And I assume that the 12 hour drive would have to be made by or your dh, they wont come and get him or take him home?

I think that you do a great job and take a lot of extra time feeding your kids, but if you feel its disrespectful then you are only going to be holding that grudge over her when you see her each time, and also not happy when you get Ben back and have to "de-sugar" him.
Grandmas are for spoiling and it sounds like she does a good job of being a grandma!

I also think your concerns about Ben feeling pushed aside when the new baby comes are valid.
What has Ben said, does he realize how long he would be gone?

I say, stick to your guns, its your family.

DVFlyer replied: There is no rule that grandparents have to spoil their grandchildren.

In my opinion, if the grandparents can't abide by certain rules, they can't see the kids. They should respect their own CHILDREN's wishes more than their need to spoil their grandkids.

If my mom comes out to visit and watches the kids, our "rule" is "One sugar treat a day". That means ONE. If I find out she fed them more, we will have issues.

But I also have no problems accepting the consequences of my actions. If my kids get mad because they can't see grandma (hasn't happened, but hypothetically speaking), or if my mom gets mad (see previous note) or if society says I'm a bad parent, I'm ok with that.

As parents, it's our job to raise our kids as we see fit. We need to understand though, that if we're wrong, we will have affected more lives than just our own.

PrairieMom replied:
I don't think he gets it. He knows that there will be more time for him to do fun things like hunt for dinosaur bones ( MIL is a amateur paleontologist) but I don't think he has any concept of the actual length of time he will be gone.
I THINK MIL is planing on driving out here to meet the baby mid may, staying for a few days then taking ben home with her, so He will be leaving with in a week or so of the baby coming home. I have no idea how they plan on him getting home, but I am NOT taking a 3 week old on a 24 hour round trip car ride to go back and get him. I can tell you that much.

coasterqueen replied: You know I agree with those that say the grandparents should respect the parents wishes, but really, are you going to keep your children away from them or not let them experience things like staying with them because of the grandparents? That's punishing the children. Believe me, I've been there. Ryan's mother, whom I love and adore, but she's a Jehovah Witness (which I don't have a problem with) but it puts a lot of road blocks up and causes a LOT of issues with our children. I tried keeping them away from her and her DH, but eventually the kids kept begging and begging and really, it's not their fault their grandmother is this way. They thought they were being punished for something they couldn't control. I have to bite my tongue every time my kids come back from grandparents and I have to "deprogram" them on many things, but to see the smiles on their faces and how happy they were to be with their grandparents - I would never ever take that away from them. Ryan made me realize that, and I'm glad. He and I are deeply affected by the relationships we did not get to develop with family members because we weren't allowed for whatever reason. I wouldn't want the same for my kids. Yes, if there is a serious issue, keeping them away is the right thing to do, but because there are differences in how you raise your children regarding food, or because they have guns locked up in the house.......I'm confused.

Was your husband brought up in that house with locked guns? I was brought up in a home with guns that were not locked up and I turned out fine. I am actually more afraid of them for that reason, that they weren't locked up, that I knew exactly where they were and had access to them - I fear them to death to this day.

Also, do you have TOTAL control over what he eats at school? I guess I don't see letting them have something different at someone else's house a big deal. They would still have to know (at least in my house) that what they get at the grandparents isn't what they get in my home. Kylie always says "grandma has this or that" and I say "yep, you get it at grandmas and not at my house, that's the rule" and she's fine with it.

PrairieMom replied:
No, and I am having a really hard time with that too. LIke a really hard time. It drives me NUTS!

I am mainly just annoyed at how she disregards my wishes, but the real issue here is that it is so far away, and he hasn't ever been alone before, and its right after the baby comes home.
I have been biting my tongue and seething in silence for nearly 7 years now, and I really do want him to have a good relationship with his grandparents, thats not the issue. I'm just not ready for him to be 600 miles away from me for that long all alone. Esp. just after we bring a new baby home. I just don't think its the right time to split up our family.

PrairieMom replied:
Both my SIL and I made comments over Christmas that we have no idea how our husbands survived to adulthood living in that house.

coasterqueen replied:
I can see that, not being the right time for your family. I'm sure she's just trying to help out, although she might not see that you need time for ALL your family there together.

I was VERY nervous when I sent my 5 year old baby on a plane to Georgia. So I've been there. Especially since there were no adults going. It was Kylie, her cousin who was 8, other cousin who was 14 and her "uncle" who was 10. The rest of the kids flew many times alone, but that didn't make me feel comfortable. I was a nervous wreck and said no originally. Ryan was for her going and obviously so was Kylie. They convinced me to let her go and I didn't breathe the day she left nor the day she came back. I was a nervous wreck, but Kylie still talks about how she got to do that and how much fun it was. I'm going to be even more of a nervous wreck when Megan goes, as she's just not as mature as her sister is, but what can I do?

You have to let them try sometime, ya know.

MommyToAshley replied:
You have to do what is right for you and your family. I would probably have an issue with the distance thing. (I didnt' really catch that in the first post). Both Ashley's grandparents live in the same town. I don't know that I would agree to a week or two weeks at such a far distance. Rod and I were thinking of going to Las Vegas, but I am not sure I am comfortable leaving Ashley for an enitre week in a different state, even though my MIL is wonderful with Ashley (spoiling and all). I'm all for indendence and letting them try new things, but they're only small once and there will be plenty of time for them to spread their wings as they get older. Maybe you can invite your MIL for a stay... if you can tolerate it for a week or so. I think in her mind, she is just trying to give you a break when the baby is born.

momofone replied: if it were me i wouldnt because of the distance thing what if he gets sick or home sick he is so far away ya know.

My3LilMonkeys replied: The distance would be my problem. If he's never been away overnight before, I don't think being 600 miles away is a good idea for his first time. What if he wakes up in the middle of the night his first night scared and wanting to go home?

~Roo'sMama~ replied: One of the biggest problems I'd have with this is that she asked Ben without talking to you about it first. THAT is something I would be pretty ticked off about, and have Dh talk to her about and tell her in no uncertain terms that she cannot extend invitations and get his hopes up without making sure it's ok with you first. With the food thing, I'd probably grudgingly let it slide a little, but only if she agreed to at least try to keep it to a minimum - they're you're kids and she really needs to respect the way you want to feed them. The hunting thing would be a huge issue for me too - the fact that they have guns in the house would make me nervous but since they're locked up they're probably ok. But they should NOT be telling Ben they're going to take him hunting when they know how you feel about it. When he's a teenager if he's showing interest in it then that may be a different story and something that you'll need to let him do. But when he's 7, no way.

Because of the way she doesn't respect your wishes, and because it's right after the baby comes, I wouldn't let him go, unless it was just for a few days, like under a week. And if they said they'd bring him back too, because I wouldn't want to make a 24 hour round trip with a newborn either!