We had a wonderful evening together

Bee_Kay wrote: My DH was at work last night, Ashley and Tyler were with friends, and Lacy's BF was also working.

I stopped over at Lacy's for our evening walk and she and I had a nice dinner together. She made homemade beef stew (like I taught her how). It was really good.

We then started out for a walk. After about 5 minutes, her BF called, he was on his 1/2 hour break. He must have asked where were were, because she (in an irritable way) told him our approx location. Next thing you know, he drove up so we had to stop and chat with him.

I think she was annoyed that he hunted us down, because about 10 minutes before he HAD to get going, she said "Me and my mom are gonna get going k?". She wasn't intentionally trying to leave him out, I think she has just been enjoying time with me.

After awhile, we dabbled in some serious conversation. She explained a few things (I let her do most of the talking, while I was like "uh huh" or "hmmm").

She explained to me how she has come to realize that she was allowing him to control her to a certain extent, and how she was being rebellious because she said that he felt threatened by me ( ). So, her bad behavior was entirely her fault. She took responsibility for it.
She said she felt ridiculous when he would take off to work and she would just sit there doing nothing.

She said that she isn't sure about their future. She fears that because of his immaturity level, he just may take off. Also, that he will have a VERY difficult time making sacrifices of things that he wants in order to get the baby what she will need. She also said that she feels that he will put a valiant effort in the beginning but then almost all the baby responsibility will fall onto her. I agreed (but also added, that I might be wrong).

She asked me some questions also. I explained that I agree with her on most of what she says. I also told her that I thought her BF was enjoying the "win" of having her... such as "HA! You're mine! NOT theirs!". I swear to God, she stopped dead in her tracks and looked at me with tears in her eyes...... She said those were his exact words.

So, it was an interesting evening. I have finally resigned myself to the fact that she will have to live and learn. Face the unknowns and fears and deal with them as they come.

luvmykids replied: Wow, that is a lot of progress!! I know it's hard to see your daughter up against tough choices and the possibility of tough times ahead but I think it's great that you two have communication again and that she feels she can still talk to you. That tells me you've handled it well that she isn't feeling like she can't come to you now, after the fact and that she won't get a big fat "I knew it!" or "I told you so!"

mckayleesmom replied: Well...I hope that he does grow up...I really do Barb....But I also have that side that hopes he does leave and she comes back home...he sounds like a jerk.

In my head I picture him looking alot like Kevin Federline....

Bee_Kay replied:
You know what Brianne. I sometimes feel the same way. I told her I wish she didn't get in so deep with the first one that came along, that she could experience being a kid, college life, running around, ect.

Sometimes I do wish she would just come back home.

I think her BF is just so immature and insecure. I believe that he wasn't taught any social skills or given the tools in life to be a productive person/boyfriend/father, and that is really too bad.

I think because of his insecurities, he is holding onto Lacy for dear life. He just cannot seem to understand that she can love him and have a relationship PLUS continue to spend quality time with her family.
It makes me feel bad because we wanted her home because we love her and care about her.... he wanted for out of competitive reasons (that is what she said that she soon realized).

Jackie012007 replied:
ME TOO! Great that you guys are making progress! I'm glad she is finally realizing things about stupid BF!!!!

Bee_Kay replied:
OK I'll go dig up a pic

Bee_Kay replied: Here's a pic of him

mckayleesmom replied: Oh Barb.....I have seen a pic of your daughter and she is beautiful. This guy is not a total ick factor, but does not look like someone that takes care of himself. To me this explains alot...he probably acts the way he does because he is insecure with himself.

Bee_Kay replied:
I agree Brianne.

In the back of my mind, it's his insecurities that worry me. I've done alot of reading on the subject, and insecurities can lead to a more dangerous situation.

I just hope that his posessiveness over her (it's apparent that he is) doesn't spill over when he realizes the bond that a mother and child have..... meaning, that he won't have a bad reaction when he sees just how much undivided attention, time and effort Lacy is going to have to give to that baby, KWIM?

Bee_Kay replied: There is something else that I wanted to let you all know.

Remember on the 4th of July? when they were supposed to come and pick me and Ashley up, and they never showed up????

I talked to Lacy about it last night and was shocked at what she told me.

She said, at the last minute, her BF decided that he wanted to go with HIS family. Lacy asked him for the cellphone so she could call and tell me. He said that he had left it at home, so she couldn't get a hold of me. (She also said that he could have left it behind on purpose knowing that I would try and call).

Well, they got to where his family was to watch the fireworks. Immediately, he took off with his friends and left her there alone.

I boldly asked her "Do you think he did that just so you wouldn't be with me?"

She answered "I think so".

mckayleesmom replied: Yikes...that is scary. I know that she has done some shady things lately, but I can put myself in her situation a little. Although we didn't have kids...I was engaged right out of high school....He was very possessive. Once he got a better paying job after his college...he got more possessive. I found myself making excuses to him and for him for everything. I would make plans with friends and when they would pull up...he would tell me not to go....Of course...nobody tells me what to do..So I would go....Although I went regardless of what he told me to do..I wouldn't have a good time and was very worried about the consequences when I got home. When I would come home and I would be locked out. I slept in my car on numerous occassions.

He was also really manipulative...He would break up with me and I would beg him to reconsider and after hours of pleading he would take me back...After doing that about 2 times...I realized he liked seeing me in pain and begging him to take me back.

Imagine his suprise when he told me that he was breaking off our engagement and I took off the ring and handed it back to him..I told him I was moving out. Then it was his turn to cry and beg. He told me that if I left I better take all my stuff when I went out the door because he would destroy it...So I played along...I pretented that we made up and I waited...I waited about 2 weeks and waited for him to go to work....Called my mom and had her and my sister come out with a u-haul truck ..we packed all my stuff in garbage bags and laundry baskets and were gone in 2 hours.

Right now I think that Lacy just needs to reach the end of her limit....and she probably will if he doesn't change...She will realize that she deserves so much more and love isn't about manipulating the situation to get what you want.

I was also the type of person that never let my family or friends know the gory details of my relationship...till after. But the joke was on me I guess because they saw it anyways.....Here I thought that all my family and friends were going to hate me and really they were counting down the days till I snapped.

Keep listening Barb...because it feels really good to get it out. Once she hears herself saying these things...and a little bit of other peoples perspectives...the details of the situation add up and make it real to see.

mckayleesmom replied: Her boyfriend reminds me so much of my ex too...He use to refuse to go to my parents house for holiday dinners...and of course I would make an excuse not to go because he had me hanging there like a puppet. Another time my sister came out to visit and he agreed to go visit....but along the way he said that if anyone asked him when our wedding date was he was getting up and walking out. We were engaged, but he kept scooting around the wedding subject.

Bee_Kay replied: Thank you so much Brianne.... for your honesty. My best friend went through a relationship very similar in nature to what you just described.

Sometimes I can't make sense of his actions or motives, but then again, maybe because there really isn't any rational sense to it all.

Lacy is our daughter.... good or bad. Sooner or later, we will forgive her. Granted, we have been tougher on her this past year with our (at times) nonchalant attitude towards her. Like, before her 18th Birthday and I tried calling her repeatedly, and my phonecalls were ignored. So, I didn't call on her birthday.

We talked about that last night. I told her of all the times I tried calling so she could go with me to the craft store to pick out material for a afghan I wanted to make her..... Her response was "You tried calling me THAT many times?"

Don't get me wrong... my intention with talking things out with her, is not to break them up or anything.... that is completely up to her. But, like I told her last night, I want an HONEST relationship with her.... even when things are hard to say... and sometimes harder to hear.

mckayleesmom replied: Is Lacy by chance his first girlfriend? I was my ex's first girlfriend...Not that it makes a huge difference, but for alot of guys....If they are a little older then when people first start dating...they sometimes tend to be more possessive. I was my ex's first girlfriend and he was petrified to lose me or be alone...So he used manipulation and possesiveness to keep me.

He even used manipulation after I left him. He would leave flowers in my car, sit outside my work, call and threaten me, ...Threatening to committ suicide...etc...I finally had enough and told him to do what he has to do. He finally left me alone when he realized that his manipulation was getting him nowhere.

luvmykids replied:
Ok, not identical to K-Fed but looks like he's probably about the same calibur

Sounds like she's starting to realize what he's about though, and I have a feeling she is going to be just fine without him. As soon as she gets that feeling, things will be great.

Brias3 replied: Well, Barb, I AM glad to hear things are going better for you two. I do feel bad for her- her bf sounds like a real you-know-what. She needs to dump his silly butt.

Continued prayers that your relationship continues to flourish! s to you!

JP&KJMOM replied: Well Barb some progress is miles better than none. I am glad that the 2 of you have gotten the alone time that you both needed. Sounds like she might be growing up and realizing what he has been doing to her and her relationship with her family.

This really scares me Barb that he has actually said that to her. Possessive people like that can become much worse. I have BTDT @ her age and it is scary. All you can do is continue to be there for her and listen and try not to judge. Sounds like your alone times with her are helping her to not only vent about him but to understand how he has been treating her.

Now hurry up and get that baby here so we can see her.

Bee_Kay replied:
Yep, we are all waiting now. She is so miserable now in this pregnancy. But, she will definately have this baby within 1 week at the most!!

I was shocked at some of the stuff she confessed to me. But, it is completely up to her of what she is willing to put up with.

She also made another comment to me about herself. She said "I have been having so much fun with you... plus, I've lost all my friends". Which is true.. she has no friends left. She was down to having 1 friend left.... and even that is dwindling down now. The girl is one year younger than her, therefore she is getting ready to go back to school and being a kid (not a mom).

luvmykids replied:
She really sounds like she's smartening up, I don't think it will be long before she is fed up and it sounds to me like she's sounding it all out, kwim? I don't think the issue will be her hanging on to him but he may have a hard time letting her go.