We want to move....but... - our families won't let us

CAMSMOM1 wrote: We're from California. DH and I were both born and raised here. All of our family live here in the same city. But last year, we wanted to move to Oregon. We put our house up for sale, and were looking at houses in Oregon. I know that it wasn't meant to be, because our house never sold. And it's the biggest and best looking house on the block (not to brag) but that's how we knew it wasn't the right timing for us to move.

Now DH is having the itch again, and wants to move. Now he doesn't want to go to Oregon, he wants to move a couple hours from here, to the beach. Of course, I love the idea of living on the beach...but it doesn't seem realistic for us, it's to expensive. We could buy a TINY house there, for the same price we bought our big house. But at least we'd be on the coast.

Now here's the dilema. Our families. I am VERY close to my family, and to my in-laws. I can't imagine not living close by to them. Especially now that we have Cameron. When we were thinking about moving last year, our families had a fit! They were so mad! Of course they would miss DH & I, but mostly because they would miss watching Cameron grow up. Even if we moved 2 hours away, it's still a long enough drive that they can't just "pop-by" to see us. I know I would be homesick too.

But DH and I just hate the city we are living in. We have one of the highest crime rates in the U.S. Our city is #5 for SMOG, and plus, we've never lived anywhere else and it would be a nice change.

So that's the dilema. Either we move in a few months or we have to refinance our house. We owe my MIL a lot of money, because she helped us to get out of debt. But now we're in debt to her. So one way or another, she needs that money. She wants us to refinace next month. So we have to make a decision fast. If we do refinance, we can't move for 2 more years. Do you think we should refinance, and wait to move. Or just do it now?

Have you ever moved away from your family? How did you handle it? I'm so torn if this is what I want to do.

Sorry for the long post! Thanks for listening. Any suggestions or things you went through would help
Ann

fashionmumofboys replied: I moved about 3 hours away with my son a few years later after I left my first DH and I was so homesick that I ended up moving back within 3 months. My son also was very homesick and he just could not handle being away without his friends or his grandparents around.

Personally, for me I think I was homesick because it was in the country and a small town and I'm a City girl so that just didn't jive with me. My SO at that time which I'm still with today, he worked back home and would only come every 2nd weekend or I would go there.

First off, I would sit down with your DH and have a heart to heart talk about this move. You want to make sure you are both on the same wave length and are both comfortable with it. After your discussion, you will have a better idea.

I would also check out the area, prices in houses, schools, daycares, etc. Make sure the place is what you are really looking for in a place to live.

Good luck coming to a decision.

booey2 replied: I have moved 1.5 hours away from my family but it was over 15 years now. I went 4 hours away for University and then settled where we are now. I grew up in a smaller town back then and my mom was from a big family and whenever we walked down the street you were bound to run into a family member or someone who knew the family. Anyway , I wanted to say that you should do what you feel is best, have a heart to heart with your Dh and go from there. I personally like the distance I have because it does stop the "pop-overs" from just happening, it makes them have to call first and plan something. I did miss not having my family around to help out when I needed it with the boys but I have made some other friends here that have kind of filled that void. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: i moved 2 hours away, and i hate it.

We gave up some stuff and gained more... but all in all our financial situation didn't chamge THAT drastically... and although we gained company percentage and some land to build a summer home on, our debt increased quite a bit, and it's not worth the homesickness I feel on most days.

I miss my family, my friends, and most of all the babysitters (aka granparents)

C&K*s Mommie replied: I agree with Mary, there. I would think long and hard about this. If you make a hasty decision you may regret it later. Personally, if your house is big and the best looking on the block~ I would find out what the homes prices in your neighborhood are going for now that the housing market has cooled some. If you are pleased with your home, and its size and you have the room to do what you please~ I would say stay.

If you know for sure that a smaller home will not make that much of a difference, because the trade off is living on the coast~ I say go for that.

Also, when you sit with Justin, think of the higher property taxes you may encounter, and the insurance that you will need to obtain when buying a place on the coast. Not to compare Cali to Florida~ but I know many people are putting their places up for sale, because the annual property taxes have jumped (as much as 100% in some cases) and the homeowners insurance has skyrocketed too. Matter of fact, Allstate Insurance has just been approved for a increase to trickle down to its customers. It is obvious, and it is no wonder why... we are prone to hurricanes.

Anyhow Ann, way out the good with the bad, talk it over & over, and pray on it~~ and you can come up with the best decision from there. As for your family, they will understand. There may not be 'popping in' anymore, but certainly a 2hr drive is well worth it when it comes to being able to see Cameron grow!

Give it some thought, and KUP!!

CosmetologyMommy replied: I want to leave IL, because I am so bored here but DH does not want to. I would say go for it, since you hate the city so much and because of the crime.

moped replied: I am a long long way away from my fmaily. 14 hour drive................there is good and bad to it. I am also VERY close to my family and sisters. I moved origianlly 2 hours away and that wasn't so bad, then I moved really far away from them about 9 years ago, got married and had Jack, the rest is history. I only see my sisters about twice a year and my parents (retired) visit more (4 times) and we try to go there once a year in the summer. We were jsut there at xmas.

Anyways, I have gotten used to it and thank god for cheap calling rates and the internet. I love my family so much and miss them every single day. If I could be near them and still have my good job I would, but where we are from that is jsut not possible.

They miss Jack millions too, but I show him pics all the time and he knows who Grams is and his aunties -

I am yapping, but basically I would stay close if I could!

luvmykids replied: It's a very, very, very tough call. We lived 2.5 hours from family for the last three years and just moved back home. For the first time, I lived in the country and actually loved it and miss it a lot. BUT I felt like the kids and grandparents were all missing out on each other. It was close enough to visit pretty often but not the same as a 5min drive. The flip side is now we're back home, in the city, which has its perks, but we already know we'll be moving about the same distance away again in a year or less.

In our case the first order of business has to be what works for us and our kids as a core unit. We don't want to raise them in the city, my husbands just got a huge contract somewhere else and the kids need to see him more than weekends, and the future of our company depends on it. Most of our family is supportive but I know it's already breaking my moms heart to think of us leaving again.

I think you need to figure out whats best for you three as a core unit and then try to give the extended family ideas on how to stay close. Regular visits, website for Cam, etc.

Good luck! Even in a rush you can get calm and hear your instinct tell you whats best.

kayla's mama replied: We moved 5 hours from our family. Some days I love it others I just down right hate it. You really should have a heart to heart with DH. Moving into a smaller house by the beach sounds awesome. If I didn't plan on having anymore kids I would do it. If you guys does decide to make the move make sure you get into a house that you can grow into. Wishing the best of luck on your decision.



That is the one thing that my family has the hardest time with. They come down to see us about once a month sometimes 2 times a month. They were ok with us being 5 hrs away but when I had my m/c, they drove all night to get here for my 6 am D & C, then we had Kayla. They have such a hard time seeing how much she has changed in just a couple of weeks. Hope that made sense.

Honestly, I would do anything to move back home now since we have Kayla

Good Luck and Pray about it

CantWait replied: HERE HERE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please keep in mind dh is military so that is why we're always moving.

I've been away from family now for about 8 years total. I first moved about 4 hours away soon after having my first baby, mom would visit all the time, sometimes with my grandma and brother, sometimes by herself, and of course sometimes we went there.

A few years later we moved to another province, 13 hour drive...we lived there for 8 months and we didn't get any visits.

Then after that 8 months we moved yet again to New Brunswick, more then half way across Canada. It's about a 6 day drive with rests. My mom has been up here once on the plane, we went up there once.

I don't think 2 hours is a long time at all. When we only lived four hours away, we still seen our family every few months. Ron's family never came to see us, but that's another story altogether. I don't think 2 hours is totally unreasonable at all, and at least they won't always be there to bug you.....then again you may like your family there all the time.

As for refinancing, is it possible that you might get more money for the house then you originally bought it for? Can you get it appraised per say? Sorry I don't know house talk. If you can, then you'd be able to pay off your MIL maybe and still have enough left over for a down payment on something else. If not then I would say you owe it to your MIL to pay her back first.

MomToJade&Jordan replied:
My DH is military as well and for 4 years we lived in Hawaii. Our family's live on the east coast of the US. So I had a baby on an island in the middle of the ocean and was 5000 miles away from my family. In that 4 years I saw my family twice, once when I went home and once when they came to me. A 2 hour drive is nothing at all. My In-Laws now live 4 hours away and they have been here at least 4 times since we got to Maryland. In the long run you have got to do what is good for your immediate family. That means you, your DH, and your child. If you aren't in an area that you don't like and it's not safe, then move. I know I would if I was given the choice.

CAMSMOM1 replied: Such great advise from everyone!

I left out an important part of our story. DH has a great job here. He is a manager of his own store, makes great money, and his Dad is his Supervisor. I also have a great job working with kids, but I know I can have that anywhere.. But Justin has been with this company since he was 16, and trying to find a job in another city, with the same perks and income, is the challenge. Jobs are hard to find at the ocean, because it's mostly a retirement place. They do have his store there, but for him to get a managers position there is slim to none.

If we refinace we won't be able to move for 2 years. Because if we sell our house before the 2 yrs is up, then we will get penilized (sp?) and they will take a huge chunk of our money we make on the house.

Very true statement. And the other worry is the high interests rates on homes in California. Our home interest rate is 6 % and that's low compared to the rates now. So we would have that going against us.

The more I think about this, the more I want to wait. I think 2 years will give us time to find information about this town, jobs, ect. And Cameron will still be young enough to start Kindergarten at this new town.

Yes, we have a high crime rate. But not in our part of town. So I do feel safe in this house. But it's not somewhere we want to live forever.

Thanks for all the input. We have a lot to think about. And pray about.

Ann