What do you do about being so easily influenced?

MommyToAshley wrote: Ashley is a really good kid -- we make a rule and she follows it. She hardly ever breaks a rule on her own. The problem is that she is so easily influenced by her friends. She's becoming the female version of "Mikey" from the cereal commercial.

For example, the fall from the monkey bars yesterday. Ashley knows that she is not permitted to do the monkey bars alone... all she had to do was ask me to stand beside her and I would have let her do them. But, her friend said to do them as a test to see if she could do them and mocked her that Ashley was afraid, so Ashley did it. After Ashley fell... and I made sure she was ok, then we discussed why she did it and her excuse was that her friend told her to do it. Well... that doesn't fly, it's not her friend's fault. It was Ashley's choice to do it even though she knew the rule.


I would say 99% of the time that Ashley gets into trouble it's because of peer pressure. I don't let her get by with the excuse that a friend did it first or a friend told her to do it. She's been disciplined and we've talked about this over and over again.

Any ideas how I can better get through to her so that she is not so easily influenced? Is it an age thing? I am just worried because if she is like this now, what is going to happen when she is a teenager?

gr33n3y3z replied: She will learn on her own with your help
She will be fine she just needs to tuffin up a little is all
**Be a Leader and not a follower**

cameragirl21 replied: LOL, I don't mean to laugh but it cracks me up when kids use this excuse and expect it to work. The thing is, in my experience, this is very common. A very sweet, well behaved girl I know got in trouble at school for throwing another girl's sweater in the toilet. When asked why she did it, she said her friend told her to do it. I remember myself as a child, using this excuse. Back then, the usual adult reply was, "well, if (whatever the child's name is who told you to do what you just did) told you to jump of a high bridge, would you do that too?"
I think kids automatically kind of do what others around them do and cajole them to do. Idk if it's so much peer pressure or just not wanting to disappoint others. I think the best behaved kids are usually most susceptible to this because they are used to being rewarded for doing what they're told and sometimes, the line between adult orders and the suggestions of their peers gets fuzzy.
Idk the solution but I think I'd be inclined to sit down with Ashley and ask her if she wanted to go on the monkey bars without you standing there. If she says yes, then it's more than just peer pressure but most likely, she'll say that she just did what a friend told her to. Then, imo, the best way to get her to be less influenced is to tell her to ask herself, before doing anything any friend tells her to do is if she wants to do it. The key for all of us, even grownups is to ask ourselves if we want to do something someone is trying to get us to do or if we're just doing it to be liked or to fit in or to please others.
It's important, of course, to make sure there is a clear understanding between bowing out of what another child puts a child up to because s/he doesn't want to do it and trying to get out of what a parent or teacher tells a child to do, just because s/he doesn't want to.

mom21kid2dogs replied: It is very age related and much about learning to navigate those social waters. I know that personally I've often wondered if this might be a difference between onlies and kids with siblings. She finally has a nice peer group & someone else to blame . Either way, I think open discussion about it is likely the only way to help them get this issue flushed out. Alot of it for O is wanting to be friends with EVERYONE so she's overly accomodating at times and doesn't use her head. It certainly can get her in some trouble. I'm actually thankful she does it now and is starting to get it at an age where she is still very open to talking about it. For her, I think the key is wanting to be a people pleaser all the time.

Boo&BugsMom replied: DeeDee, Tanner is the same way. Of course he has his moments, he's a kid and none of them are perfect....but he caves under peer pressure quite a bit. I just try to explain to him that he needs to be a good leader and he is still responsible for his own actions. It is definitly the age, especially since these are their first years in school, they are still very formative. I try to remind him that if someone is going to make fun of him for not doing something, then he needs to just ignore it and let them get in trouble instead...or better yet, be a good friend and remind them of the rules. I think the only thing we can really do is be consistant with them. Consistantly remind them, and let them be held responsible for their actions if they choose to not follow the rules, even if it was egged on by a friend.

MommyToAshley replied: Well, I am glad to see Ashley isn't the only one. We will continue to stay consistent and hope it has some affect. In the meantime, it will drive me nuts.

luvmykids replied: We have that around here too. I think even for kids with siblings, it's a whole new social scene. I liked the word someone used...navigating, I think they really do have to sort of feel their way around and figure out, with our help, when to take a stand, what makes a true friend (and how to be one), etc.

I really hope it's a short phase

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Maddie had a lot of trouble at that age, too. She seems to be a lot better now with making her own decisions and being more of a leader and taking a stand for what's right. Fortunately they teach her this at school as well. I bet Ashley's school is much the same way.

grapfruit replied: That TOTALLY was me as a kid. I was well-behaved, eager to please. Now, you can't make me do ANYTHING I don't want to No peer pressure here! My friends are currently trying to peer pressure me into getting totally wasted at my bacholorette party.

I do have to say 6th grade area was the worst w/"being influenced" it wasn't doing what I didn't want to. It was wanting to do things I knew were wrong (i.e. sneaking out, sneaking ppl in, lying, etc.) My mom basically told me she was disappointed in my lying and what-not and that's not how she raised me to be. For the most part, I never really lied again...

I think Jennifer's advice was best.

kimberley replied: i'm with Lisa... they will learn. sadly, it will make you crazy in the process but that's just how it goes lol.

i grew up with a girl who got me into a LOT of trouble because her mom was never around and she was always into mischief. by 10yo she was always alone and mom kicked her out when she had bf's over. i soon learned that even tho she got away with rotten stuff, i never did and the punishment just wasn't worth it. i think the hardest part of parenting is watching your kids fall, but the values you instilled early on are going to determine how quickly they get back up and learn from it.

hang in there.

luvbug00 replied: this is the calling of little girls. one wants to do and bugs the others until they follow suite. like pack animals it's all about the alpha female. Mya gets pressured into some things but more often then not she is VERY good about telling other girls to bugger off. I just tell her that she is her own person and noone is respocible for her actions but herself. NOONE. so if suzy tells her to climb a tree and Mya falls then it's not suzys' fault, it's mya's. I'd console mya and then punish her if she did somthing she knows she is not allowed to do alone. When mya is 26 and the boss tells her to fax somthing by 8am and suzy says lets hit up Mcdonalds for breakfast and fax it later. When the boss comes ticked off s/he sure isn't comming for suzy, they are gonna blame mya,( and they should) and MYA better have a darn good excuse as to why she didn't fax that paper by 8am.

jcc64 replied: It's pretty predictable, and it's not going to go away, Dee Dee. The older they get, the more important their friends' influence becomes, as the importance of your approval diminishes in her eyes (on the surface, anyway). It's not a sign that she's on the road to becoming an anti-social, disobedient little psychopath. It's just developmentally appropriate experimentation, imo. That's not to say that you shouldn't express your disapproval, or continue to stress the importance of independent decision making. I'm just trying to reassure you that it's nothing unusual, and I'm certain Ashley will always know right from wrong when it really counts, kwim?
Btw, what happened with the monkey bars- my Roadrunner was down for a few days.