What do you do - when you and DH disagree about parenting

Schnoogly wrote: Well, not disagree exactly, but have different ways of doing things? Dh is unable to get Iain to sleep in the hammock--don't know why. I have a routine and he knows what it is, but he won't follow it. He still insists on carrying Iain around to get him to sleep then putting him in the hammock. Also when he squirms a little DH will pick him up and hold him while he sleeps like he used to so Iain will sleep longer. I don't do this--I want him to get used to sleeping in the hammock. When DH has had Iain for a whole weekend, or for a while, I have to "retrain" Iain to go to sleep in the hammock because he gets used to being held again. I think DH just likes holding him when he sleeps--he has said as much. He knows that I would rather Iain sleep in the hammock because he needs to get used to it but he still does things *his* way. He is a great guy and a great dad--am I just being a control freak?

What do you do when you disagree on things??

Steph

Mommieto2Girls replied: Well, that's a toughie. DH usually doesn't say much about the way I do things and when he tries to do them different I let him know he is wrong and my way is right. lol He usually just listens. But then again he really doesn't do much for her either, he is always working. When he does have to do something he asks me first now and I tell him how to do it. Which of course drives me crazy because he should know by now. I wish I could help you, but heres a hug and I hope yall work it out.

MommyToAshley replied: TLCDad and I don't agree on everything. (He thinks I spoil her, but I don't care, they are only small once!) And, I think our babies know that each parent is different and act accordingly. However, we try to agree on the important things... what she can and can't do, when to say "No", etc. So, that we don't confuse her.

In your situation, Iain might be getting mixed signals about the sleeping thing... so you might try to work out a compromise. Maybe he can hold him more when he is a wake and rock him until he is just about asleep and then put him in the hammock??? Just an idea. I think it is great that he loves him so much that he doesn't want to put him down...hehe.

supermom replied: Man, that one really is a toughie. Although DH and I don't agree about everything, we have very similar parenting methods. I think he's a bit harsh with Anders when he gets in trouble sometimes, but for the most part we don't disagree that often.....at least not about the "big" things....

I think it is really neat that he loves to hold him so much, and you are lucky to have such a guy. However, I do understand that you don't want to have to "retrain" him all over again when DH has had him for a while over the weekend or whatever.

Babies DO know the difference between parents and do grow to know the difference in parenting styles. Is it worth it to you to not have to retrain Iain and possibly hurt DH feelings in the process? If so, then I would at least talk to him about it - try the most non-accusatory approach you can muster.....(I know sometimes that is SO difficult for me, so I usually practice on someone!) and just talk to him, try to explain your side of it and why it is so important for you to have it work like this, and then give him a chance to do the same. In the end, you'll probably be able to work out something that will work for both of you all - sure hope so!!

to you and DH and Iain too!! Let us know!

MomofTay&Sam replied: Now this is a tough one! LOL DH and I rarely disagree but when it happens it is a major one. DH will be a very strong discipline figure, I can see that coming now. I too am very set on my parenting skills. In the end we just talk it out and go on to the next issue of the day! Good luck to you guys.

MomToMany replied: I let DH try things his way, and if it doesn't work, he deals with the consequences! I let him suffer awhile, and then I might rescue him (depends on my mood). Maybe then he might listen a little better! But seriously, since I've been a parent longer than him, he usually trusts my opinion about things, and he does speak his opinion, just so I know how he feels. I'll let him do his own thing with the kids, but the serious stuff, he likes my opinion (for once!).

Kirstenmumof3 replied: Well here's what I did! I told my DH that I didn't want the kids watching certain programs on TV, but he wouldn't listen and still let them watch them so I locked the channels out and I haven't told him what the code is! I usually get my way when it comes to the children! I mean after all I am the one that spends 24/7 with them!

maestra replied: I usually tell my dh something once, he doesn't believe me, then suffers the consequences. Then he will listen to me.

For example, I told him that Jaci was watching too much t.v. Well, he didn't listen and let her watch it ALL THE TIME. So, she stopped paying attention to us, and paid attention to the tv. This bothered him. So now he turns the #### thing off like I told him to, and she is back to her old, inquisitive, self. Now they only watch like 2 hours of tv during the day, instead of all day like before. And it's quality stuff. Who knows, now maybe dh will actually get something done during the day?!

jcc64 replied: My dh and I have VERY different ways of doing things. I totally understand how you feel. When I'm away on business, even if only for a day, the house erupts into chaos. I have 2 older kids, in addition to baby Corey, and our schedules are pretty complicated. However, I think we do, as moms, have to resist the impulse to "gatekeep" the kids. Your husband is entitled to try things his way (even if you know it's dumb). You can gently suggest the things that work for you, but then I would remember that Iain is getting something from his dad that is valuable, and babies can absolutely differentiate between parents. Save the battles for really big things, and then count your blessings that your DH loves him in his own special way.
good luck,
Jeanne

mckayleesmom replied: Me and dh haven't gotten to diciplining and stuff yet, Mac just turned 2 months old. But we did discuss things before she was born and slightly disagree on some stuff. I believe that all the money she gets from Birthdays and Holidays and such should be split 50/50, half in a savings account and half for her to spend on what she wants. He thinks that if its her birthday she should get to spend it. But after I explained to him that once she turns 16 or 18 depending on her responsibility and behavior she can use that chunk of money for what she wants such as a car or whatever. I was never given a car as a teenager and I had to work for it, I want her to do the same but it would be nice if she had something towards it. Also my husband said before she was born that he wanted his kids to join a military service and go through college throught them like he did. Partly cause now college is so expensive and also because of the disipline it gave him. I think that we should help them, but again I agree with him a little bit too. I don't think we should have to be responsible for it all but I would like to give her more than what was given to me. But then after she was born, he is now talking about putting money away for her college,,,she has him wrapped around her little finger.

Schnoogly replied: We definitely don't disagree on the big things--I am just more disciplining and controlling than he is, and he has a lot more experience with babies than I do (he raised his little sister) so, especially at first, I really relied on him, and he feels that he knows how to do things as well or better than I do, which is probably true, or was, until I started being home all the time and being with Iain in the evenings too (I used to sleep when Iain was sleeping REALLY badly). Since I spend a lot more time with him I feel like I deal with the consequences (which aren't always immediate). DH admits that his little sister was a LOT easier than Iain so we're both learning things new, and things change every day so we're constantly having to re-learn Iain's new patterns and such. He is one unpredictable baby!!

I do let DH do what he wants, and I know Iain knows the difference, it just drives me crazy when I hear Iain crying (with DH holding him) because I know if I just put him in the hammock and turned on the lullabies I could get him to sleep w/o crying which DH can't seem to do. I think Iain KNOWS his daddy will hold him so he cries more in the hammock when he's with dad. DH really thinks his system works for him, and I love it that he takes Iain so much, I just can't work when I hear all the screaming, and I feel like all my effort to get Iain to sleep by himself is wasted.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: We don't disagree on much - mainly because when I want something done MY way, I give DH the reason why. If he can give me a valid argument on the subject, then we try his way, if it doesn,t work, we do it MY way.

For example - DH sees nothing wrong with sending Zach off to daycare with joggers, a t-shirt, and un-matching socks. I do, and this is why - why do we spend mega-$$ on nice cute clothes for him, and keep the older hand-me-down joggers for playing outside? We can send them to the sitters with Zach, and request that she change him before putting him outside, so as not to mess upo his nice clothes - but why have all the nice expensive clothes if he is,t going to wear it? So now, we compromised - since DH has absolutely no skill of fashion (for himself either) - I lay out Zach's clothes the night before, so DH can just dress him in the morning and let me sleep a little longer. I set up DH's side of te closet and his dresser drawers in such a way that he can pull something out, and there will be a coordinated shirt and pant for him to wear. He knows that Jeans go with anything - but when it comes to dressy stuff - it's all put together (shirt, pant, tie, belt, socks and jacket) in one shot - I tie the socks around the hanger.) Lots of work, but worth the extra 20 inutes of sleep every day!! heh heh!)

As for discipline and everything else - I MADE him read the same book as me, then we talked about what we disagreed with - and we go with that. I pick my battles - only stuff I reallay feel strongly about (such as smacking) I don't budge...but the rest...all petty stuff in the bigger picture.