What do you think of this article? - being judgemental - honest opinions!

Hillbilly Housewife wrote: Let's have a healthy conversation. When you see someone doing something that could be making them out to be a bad person / bad parent / bad friend / bad spouse / bad whatever... do you care enough about that person to tell them what they're doing is wrong? Or are you too afraid of being labelled as judgemental? Do you walk on egg shells, when you're debating? or do you say your opinion (in a non-agressive way of course) or do you shut up because you don't want to offend someone? We all know the truth hurts... are you willing to hurt the one you love by telling them the truth?

Do you bite your tongue a lot because you don't want someone to think you're mean?

What are your thoughts on this article?

It made me think about what I say, and to whom... and I think I'm judgemental. I'm not afraid to tell someone that I think what they're doing is questionable, and why... I don't mean it in a bad way - but often it is perceived that way.

I mean...for instance - I saw on the news about some kids that walked a mile or so to a friend's house... the kids were 3 and 2. Where was the parents? How can the parents not be out on the road looking for them? How can they not have called the cops once realizing the kids were missing? But nope...someone who knew the kids found them, and called the mom. The mom was home, answered the phone like nothing was amiss...and when told the kids were a mile or so away.. she said Oh I didn't notice. Perhaps it's judgemental to assume that the mom was a lazy butt who wasn't bothering to watch her kids... but I mean COME ON...how could she not notice the kids were gone...they were toddlers!!! that woman should be jailed!!! Kids escape, yes... but parents notice. What kind of parent doesn't notice?

So - if that makes me judgemental... then so be it... but like the writer of the article says, I'd rather be judgemental than be like that.

This article opened my eyes as to what society has become... a coward. What happened to free speech?

Thoughts?


(ps - I believe I editted out all the curse and innappropriate stuff... but if I missed one I'm sorry and let me know I'll take it out right away!! )

lisar replied: Okay I will admit I didnt read the entire article but I didnt need to, to know my answer...

I am judgemental.....Plain and simple. Just ask my sister if I dont like the way she treated her son in a single moment I will tell her ALL about it. And the same goes for my best friend. I tell her all the time what I think about a certain subject (a whole other topic). And you know what they will tell me the same things when I have done something they dont like. We learn and we grow from it. I dont hate someone for being judgemental I just think they are speaking their mind thats all.

lisar replied: Oh and Rocky I am siding with you on this one. I like the way you put it.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
And you appreciate it from each other?

sparkys2boys replied: I can't imagine her not noticing either and I am the same as you in my thinking. I try not to judge on things that I dont know alot about or dont have the whole story on but in this case I am judging.. when it comes to kids, esp that age I am asking.. WTH.. where was she and why the heck did she not notice her kids missig.. lazy may be some of it but yikes..c'mon here, anything could of happened to them and she was all .. oh.. yea, I never noticed.. gawd some people

MommyToAshley replied: I admit I didn't read the entire article either. But, I can see why the author of this "article" would be labeled judgemental and I don't mean that as a compliment. There is a way to state a concern or make a suggestion without the use of such strong words, name-calling and language. If that's being a coward, then yes I am a coward and not judgemental. I will offer suggestions or mention a study I found, to show a different view point when it comes to parenting... but I don't always think my way is right for everyone , but just right for our family.

I guess it depends on the situation on whether or not I speak up to that person. If someone could be harmed, I would speak up. In the case of the kids being gone and a mile away... children services needs to be informed and investigate the situation. I can't imagine not knowing where a 2 and 3 year old are at any given time.

If it is not a situation where someone could get hurt, I also ask myself what I will accomplish by speaking up. Will it just "add flames to the fire" and make the person mad, or will it do some good and bring a different perspective.

lisar replied:
Oh yes I wouldnt have it any other way. I would rather them be honest with me and me know what they are thinking rather than them keep there mouth shut. KWIM?

mommy~to~a~bunch replied: I am judgemental too. I speak my mind. And that has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion.

grandma replied: Honestly, it depends on who the person is. If it's a relative or a good friend...yes, I will question them about what I think is wrong. If it's a stranger only if they were doing something cruel or dangerous to another person/animal.
Too many times I've lost what I thought were friends for telling them how I felt.

luvmykids replied: It depends on the situation and the person....I think it depends on the your intention, if you're trying to make someone feel bad for their actions or beliefs, I think that is judgemental, but not always in a bad way. If its genuine care and concern, I think it's just that, and not judgemental. Lets face it, most of us have at least one thing or another that we feel strongly enough about that we almost can't help but be judgemental.

In this case, I would have to say I'm judgemental, and that mom is an idiot. I'm with Sherri, I try not to jump to conclusions when I don't know if I have the full story but in this case, I don't think there is anything more I could know that would change the fact this woman was neglectful and didn't seem concerned enough.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Ok Guys the lady from the news that I gave the example about was NOT the focus of my post.

Those of you who are only "judgemental" towards your loved ones, and strangers IF they are doing something immediately harmful to themselves or others around them... why? If you see someone beating a dog - would you speak up? or would you walk away? If you are walking in New York, and see someone beign mugged - would you help? would you call for help? or would you lower your head and walka little faster? If you see some teenager smoking pot - would you tell him/her that it's a wrong behaviour that could get them in trouble if they can't keep it in check? or would you not bother because it's not your kid?

I'd definitely speak up... there are some things of course that I wouldn't speak up on - parenting styles, for instance... Styles with an S.... there are many...and just because they're not using the one I used, doesn't mean they're wrong... you know what I mean?

mommy~to~a~bunch replied:
Yes, I would speak up in those situations. I don't care if they ignore me or not, maybe I might give them something to think about & help them cahnge.

sparkys2boys replied: Sorry Rocky I knew the point of you psot but your example got me riled up To back on topic, yes I would speak up in those examples as I would to family or friends if they were doing something that I did not agree with BUT I would also give them a chance to explain why and at least look at there point and try to remain open minded. I am with you on the parenting styles.. unless it was abusive or just wrong.. then I would would most certainly say what was on my mind no matter what ot who it was.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: How would you speak up?

Would it be more like:

a ) What you're doing is wrong, you must be an idiot, stop doing that

or

b ) Do you think that maybe the way you're handling this situation could be improved on because it's my opinion that you're hurting yourself / othrs

I like to think I'm more of the B type... except with my family. Them I just tell it like it is...

MommyToAshley replied:
Yes, I would speak up or take appropriate action (such as calling the police) in all those situations. But, those are all situations where someone is being harmed... and I said I would speak up if someone were being harmed. I don't think "judgemental" is the right word in this case.

sparkys2boys replied:
Im a B person to.. most of the time..lol! With my own family I say it llike it is too.. no holding back ever.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
Where is the line that you draw in what is judgemental vs what is not?

Telling a 13 year old not to have intimate relationships could be considered as judgemental as telling a 25 year old with 5 kids, single, on welfare, that she should just get some birth control...or to the criminal, telling him/her that what they're doing is wrong... ?

What would the word you would have used be? Being a good citizen?

MommyToAshley replied:
Being responsible. As an adult and authority figure, it is my responsibility to speak up and do the right thing if a child is being harmed. As a citizen, it is my responsibility to call the police if I see a crime being committed.

I also think you can be judgemental without speaking up.

luvmykids replied:
Ditto....I think being judgemental is more a state of mind than acting on it. I don't think I'm typically judgemental. When it comes to moral type issues, and not responsible citizen issues, I've learned that being judgemental doesn't do much good in fact it usually turns the person in question off, so I try to take the approach of maybe trying to help them see things in a different light, or understand what other choices there are.

MommyToAshley replied:
Ooops, forgot to answer this part.

A 13-year old is not mature enough to make that kind of decision. If it were my child I would have a discussion with her and take appropriate action. If it were someone else's child, I would inform the parent of the situation so they can handle it as they see fit. There is no comparison to an adult who decides to have more children regardless of their economic circumstances.

As for the criminal... If I saw a crime happening, I wouldn't speak to the criminal. I'd call the police. Some things are just too dangerous to handle yourself, that's what police are trained for.

lisar replied:
Well with me it depends on what it is. When I am talking to my best friend I will make suggestions. If its my sister I tell her how it is. it really just depends on what it is.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Perhaps a better question would be: What, to you, is the difference between being judgemental, and speaking up?

if I make a comment about maybe the lady should have been watching her kids... would that be judgemental, or speaking up? If I make a comment about teenage mothers being ignorant (and I mean like 15 or 16 here.... the twits who think having a baby will solve all their hard life's problems...the ones on Maury... because I had my first at 20 and was far from ignorant, and I know some of you had kids young and are also far from ignorant), would that be judgemental, or speaking up?

this is what I mean... see the fact that I even felt I had to clarify what I meant about teenage mothers... because I was "afraid" that someone would get offended when that's really not my intent... where is the line drawn between being judgemental, and speaking up about something?

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
What do you mean? Can you give me an example?

I'm not sure I understand...because what I'm picturing is like a look of dissaproval..the one-raised-eyebrow-while-staring look, and I kind of see that as judgemental, yes... like, if some woman is yelling at her kids in walmart and I give her that look...yes... i'm judging her... for yelling her kids... but am I wrong? is my judging her for yelling at her kids wrong? If she sees the look and tones it down...? or apologizes and says she's having a really bad day and then vents and unloads on me instead of on her innocent kids then she feels better and the kids don't feel as bad?

Would that be judgemental? or would that be considered speaking up, even if there is no speaking?

luvmykids replied:
Just thinking judgementally....you don't have to show it or act on it to be thinking "that woman is an incompetent idiot" or "that girl is a tramp", kwim?

To me the difference between speaking up and being judgemental is this: You speak up when you are concerned, you judge when you are holier than thou in your speaking up. Judgement to me means you think less of a person because of their actions or behavior. Whether they are right or wrong, say it's a murderer, and you say he should burn in hell....you're right to feel that way, but yes it's judgemental. It's a woman on welfare with a dozen kids who keeps having more? Depends....are you intending to help her, or simply looking down on her? The first is speaking up, the second is judging her.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
Are you saying it depends on the wording?

like the woman on welfare - YES, i'm thinking "idiot"...but as for mysuggesting to her some alternative methods of birth control... would be speaking up, but it comes from being judgemental.. I wouldn't even BE speaking up if I wasn't judgemental in the least bit... if I wasn't judgemental, I wouldn't have even thought it was a problem in the first place and wouldn't have THOUGHT to help her by suggesting alternative birth control, kwim?

So even if I was "trying to help" and "speaking up" I would still be judgemental? kinda get what I'm trying to say? I don't know how to put it in the right words.

And if you are judging someone but not saying it in a holier than thou way... is it still "wrong"? Because someone's always going to take it the wrong what from what you mean... that's just the way it is...

I am sooo confused with this.. thanks for all your input, ppl.

luvmykids replied: I guess I'm not doing a very good job of wording it either

I'm not saying it depends on the wording, but the intention or the attitude behind what you say. I don't really know how else to explain it.....WHY are you speaking up, kwim? To put her in her place? To make her feel bad? Because you consider yourself better than her and want her to know it? Because you think you have all the answers? Those, to me, are judgemental intentions. If it comes from the intention of, say, "She's really struggling, maybe nobody has taken the time to try to help her" that isn't judgemental.

Like, if you say something because you're genuinely trying to help, and not doing it in an "I'm right, you're wrong, you're an idiot of you don't see it" way, I think thats more along the lines of just speaking up.

It's not always bad to be judgemental, sometimes it's just using common sense.

I don't know, maybe it's just one of those things where the definitions and boundaries of what is or isn't judgemental is different from person to person.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:

Crystalina replied: Do you walk on egg shells, when you're debating? or do you say your opinion (in a non-agressive way of course) or do you shut up because you don't want to offend someone?

We all know the truth hurts... are you willing to hurt the one you love by telling them the truth?

Do you bite your tongue a lot because you don't want someone to think you're mean?


To answer these questions, Yes I walk on eggs shells when debating but I also try to get my point across. I do not bite my tongue because I don't want someone to think I'm mean but I bite my tongue because of who I'm debating with. A good example is debating here. I tend to hold back and watch what I say because this is not really a debating board however when I'm on a debating board it is no holds barred.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I was raised to know when you are overstepping your boundaries. I think it is arrogant of me to speak my opinion of others openly when not asked. Even with family. I don't appreciate it when my mom gives me her opinions about how I'm raising my boys, so why should I feel the right to tell her how I think she should live her own life? I think it is also rude and very immature to believe people, especially those you don't even know, really want to hear what you have to say, as if your opinion is above their own. If someone asks me for a suggestion, fine. Or if my mom friends and I are having a casual talk about preschool vs no preschool, I think we can be mature adults and debate politely. But I admit, I do walk on egg shells. It is called RESPECT that others may do things differently than you...different does not make it wrong. If someone is causing harm to a child and I knew it, yes, I would do something, but I would have someone professional speak to this person before I did.

I had a stranger once stop me in the store and say "Oh I hate those things! Causes speech delays". She was talking about the pacifier in Wil's mouth. I think she may have even reached over and took it out of my DS's mouth! Freedom of speech?...my a$$, she has no right to tell me what's best for my son.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
I agree. But I also agree with the article. It all depends on the situation. I wouldn't dare tell my friend that how I think she handled disciplining her daughter was wrong (for example), but if she was standing there beating her I would. There are times to speak up, and times to not speak up. I also think that anything you say can be said with a soft tongue. I do agree that many things in this world are screwed up...many of her statistics for example...that's common sense. But, there is also a line you must draw between being opinionated and judgemental. I believe you can be opinionated and not be judgemental, it just depends on how you word your opinion.

luvbug00 replied: I ususally would like to know the situation before passing judgment but some people and situations just require imidiate reaction. I have no issue being blunt as what is the point of being dodgey? I try to not hurt feelings but if it is an issue of importance like child neglet then who cares about the adults feelings it's the kid i worry about.

MommyToAshley replied:
The definition of judgmental is: "Of, relating to, or dependent on judgment"
The definition of judgement (as in this text, not law) is: the formation of an opinion; the cognitive process of reaching a decision or drawing conclusions

Therefore, we are all judgemental. We make judgements every day. We see someone discipline their child in a way we would not and we form a judgment about that situation.

However, where the term gains a negative connotation is when it is used to describe a person's intent, as Monica stated. For example, if someone were to make a post about CIO and I replied to it stating that I don't believe in CIO and then I go on to say it is neglect, you will harm your baby emotionally, etc. Then, one might say that is being judgemental. The only intent there is to make my opinion or judgement known and possibly even make the other person feel bad about CIO... all the while not being open to the idea that there is more than one way to put a child to sleep. As opposed to the opposite, being non-judgemental would mean you are more open to accept other's opinions (even if you do not agree with them). To me, that is completely different then the situations described by you or the "author" in your original post.

To me, being judgemental also takes on a different meaning than whether or not you would speak up about your judgements. The speaking up part.... some people call that being blunt, some people call that being rude, and some people call it being out-spoken. If a child is in harms way, it is only responsible to speak up. If it is a matter of personal preference, parenting style, and you voice your opinion stating that their opinin is wrong... that is both "speaking up" and being judgemental.

Jackie012007 replied: I think everyone is judgemental. You can't look at someone and have absolutely no opinion on them. I totally agree with Rae - you can have a judgement and not be afraid to say it, but there is a fine line between blunt and downright snarky. Some people are just not aware at how their tone is when they judge, and in the same respect, others are too sensitive to criticism. There is no one way about it.

As for my personal view, I know I am judgemental but I try to at least be nice about it if I feel the need to add my . I tend to not really bring out the big guns unless I feel provoked or feel the need to defend someone I feel is right but getting ragged on. I try not to get involved in internet debate because it lacks the tone necessary to correctly perceive the speaker's feelings and feelings always end up getting hurt.

This is s a really good subject!

My2Beauties replied: I agree with Dee Dee about this writer, she is way over the top and has a horrible writing style, can't she get her point across without cursing Anyways, I am not judgemental. I don't look at the mother of 5 on welfare because well, I have a cousin who has 5 children, all of her children born out of wedlock to the same guy, they are married now BTW. Always knew they'd get married but didn't have the money to get a wedding together. They finally went to the justice of the peace and did it. She didn't want a huge family but she was blessed with one. She does get food stamps and help with daycare but they both work full time jobs, he's a roofer and she cleans houses, they make decent money but just need a little help to get by. I have no problem with that. I do have a problem with lazy women who have kids by multiple men and do not work and mooch off the system, get free housing, free groceries, an SSI check, you name it. I have a problem with that, but would I outright tell her I have a problem with that....NO! It's none of my business. If I think she is committing fraud of any kind or anything, I can speak up by reporting her, I don't have to outright humiliate her and hurt her using words. Like someone else said, I also still don't know 100% of what has went on in her life. Now outright horrible atrocities such as murder, rape,e tc...if I could come eye to eye with a murderer or a rapist I'd probably tell them what I thought of them, but not your average every day baby's momma with 10 kids...no she hasn't committed a crime by having a million kids. So I say nothing.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
See I wouldn't say that is judgemental...because it's your opinion... the stating it harms babies etc is just being close-minded as opposed to judgemental, at least to me... because you're not accepting of the other's reasoning / opinion... whereas to me, something judgemental would have been commenting on the person doing the parenting being done due to the effects of CIO. KWIM?

I can be open to someone's opinion even if I have my own opinion about it, ya know?



And just FYI, the "author", since you don't seem to think she's an author at all...(from what I get from the ", anyways..and I could be reading that wrong of course, it is the net after all...) is from south florida. Here's her blog. http://widelawns.blogspot.com/ I haven't read any of her website, I've only read the one "article", which can be found in its entirety here. Careful, because judgemental snarky comments are plenty. http://www.violentacres.com/

Cece00 replied: I'm judgemental, and I'm blunt. And I am OK with that.

Frankly, I think pretty much everyone is judgemental in SOME WAY or at one time or another in their life.

MommyToAshley replied:
Yes, I did put the word "author" in quotes because when I think of the word author I think of someone that has materials published (other than self-published). And, with the language and writing style, it was hard for me to imagine that this was an actual published piece. But, in reality, an author of the piece is simply the person that wrote it... so yes, technically she is an author and I probably shouldn't have used quotation marks. And, just because I wouldn't enjoy her writing style, doesn't mean that someone else doesn't.

As for the meaning of judgemental, we just see things differently. We'll have to agree to disagree.

Regardless of what you call it.. .being judgemental, just speaking your mind, being out-spoken... I think everyone should think before they speak and really ask themselves why are they are saying (or as in the case of a mb, posting) their comments. Am I really trying to help or am I trying to hurt someone's feeling or make myself feel better by making someone else feel bad? Is there a way I can say this to bring new light to the situation without offending the other person? I am not saying that you can't speak up about your opinion, but why do it in a way that is belittling to others? I have to admit, there are many times I have written or said something only to wish I had worded it differently. Again, a difference in terms... you may call it walking on eggshells, the author called it being a coward, but, like Rae, I call it respecting others. (utt-ohh, there's that word respect again... LOL)

Boo&BugsMom replied:
I completely agree!!!!!!! Honestly, I think it's just common sense.

MommyToAshley replied:
It's also about perception as well. Sometimes I think someone is being rude, but in their eyes, they are just stating the facts.

Just look at this thread and the respect thread... everyone interpreted a single word to mean something different.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
Stating facts is not the same as stating opinion though, and a hurtful opinion as well. Stating facts is one thing, but stating an opinion that is hurtful to someone just isn't comparable.
Here we go again...another comparison.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Comparisons are what make the world go round!

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Amen Dee Dee! Well said.