What would you do?/ Have you done?

MommyToAshley wrote: Ashley was making a picture of our family and she colored herself black. She said that she wished she had black skin because it is beautiful. Aweee, I thought that was so sweet. Up until this point, Ashley had never given a clue that she noticed people had different color skin. I didn't bring up the subject because I don't point out that some people have blue eyes or some people have blond hair either. But, now I wonder if I should have taken this opportunity to talk to her about racism and why it is wrong. Part of me thinks that she will learn this by our example. And, if I bring up a specific conversation about this, would it be pointing out that there is a difference and then she will think it is worth noticing? But, another part of me thinks I should prepare her for when she does encounter a person that is racist. She can be such a follower and I want her to know that it is wrong.

What do you think? Bring it up now and have a discussion on the topic. Or, should I lead by example and just talk to her about it if the situation arises.

Just so you know, I've read her books about everyone being different and special in their own way. But, none of the books go into detail.

What would you do? What have you done?

ZandersMama replied: Aww, thats so sweet. I would say lead by example and wait to see if it needs to be discussed. Better not to make a big deal out of it I would say, she is still young enough to belive the world is a beautiful place without racism.

cameragirl21 replied: you know, Dee Dee, what you said reminds me of something that happened to me once, that may shed some light on your situation. when i was a teenager, i babysat for a family where the mom was Filipina and the dad was white. So their children had a sort of Asiany look but you could tell they weren't quite Asian and they looked very exotic. Well, their daughter Sarah, who was about Ashley's age at the time was very beautiful and of course, when you're a teenage girl beauty is a prize to be coveted. Well, one day, i had been babysitting for a family whose mother was friends with Sarah's mother, or so i thought anyway and somehow Sarah's family came up in the conversation and i told that mother that i thought Sarah was just so beautiful. And that mother said that some people may think Sarah is a bad combination and that she is not as lucky as i think. i was beyond shocked, at first i didn't even understand what she was saying. once she clarified her position, it was clear that she was against Sarah being biracial and she expected others to feel the same way. so i, jaded all of a sudden because i was not used to racists, bombarded her with questions such as, "but who would say that, but why would anyone say that, but what's wrong with Sarah being of two different races...." needless to say, the mother i was talking to became very uncomfortable and it was time for me to go home anyway so i left...and i cried the whole way home because i couldn't believe she'd say that to me, couldn't believe she'd say that about Sarah and most of all, i'd always thought that racists were low lifes...i certainly didn't expect to hear that from a college educated wife of a neurologist! (which is what she was). tbh, Dee Dee, nothing my mom or anyone else could have said would have prepared me for that, the realities of life are something that will happen to us all when they hit us and it's hard to believe that there is bad in anyone. children are so innocent and i don't know that there's a way to prepare them for the racists and bigots out there.
nowadays, many of my clients are biracial children because i aim for that exotic look so obviously that's the sort of children that typically model for me and i literally lie awake at night sometimes, worrying that people will give them a hard time just for who their parents are, just like that woman was saying about Sarah.
i think maybe the best thing to say in this case is that Ashley is beautiful white and she'd be beautiful if she were black and that people are beautiful in every color because inside we are all the same.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I believe it's actually safe to point out that people are different by the color of their eyes or the color of their skin, but keep focusing on the fact that different is BEAUTIFUL! I really think it's important to not hide the fact that people in our country come from all nationalities and that's what makes them special. Of course it's rude to say to someone's face "you're different", but I want my kids to understand the meaning behind uniqueness and respect people's "differences". I think what breeds racism is actually not pointing out to our children that people come from all walks of life...I'm not saying you're doing this Dee Dee, but JMO about the racism issue. I love how Ashley said that black skin is beautiful. To me, she seems to already understand quite well (good job mom!), but I would maybe bring it up on the spot so that she remembers her artwork and can relate to the situation at the time it actually happened. You know, little kids forget easily, so if you're out in public and a strange situation arises, she may not understand what you're trying to say because she has forgotten her drawing. I would do it now before she forgets.

MommyToAshley replied:
My immediate response was something along these lines.

I guess my question was more along the lines, should I be proactve and talk to her about racism and why it is wrong? I am as conflicted as all of your answers.

Calimama replied:
I agree completely.

BTW what a sweet girl you have!

MommyToAshley replied:
That is so sweet and a reminder of how innocent they really are.

C&K*s Mommie replied: I would lead by example as well. Ashley seems to be a well grounded young girl, with fabulous parents so leading by example would be the best thing, imho.

We have not had the discussions yet on the differences of humans. Christian has asked/said a few things about the color of our skin, and I have touched answered her questions as best as possible. I am happy to let our kids be kids and allow them to remain as innocent as possible for as long as possible. There will be a time for explaining things to them, for now explaining the amounts of melanin present which gives us our different shades in skin is not on the table (for our family) to discuss.

MommyToAshley replied: Thanks ... when I read your responses, it seems like it is common sense. Let them be kids and innocent a while longer. And, then I turn on the news and hear stories of things that kindergartners and first graders are saying and I am disgusted. I watched a special before the news about our very neighborhood and was appalled to hear what some of these kids were saying. I don't know if they act this way at home, but my guess is that is where they learned it from. Ashley will be in kindergarten next year... the same age as these kids on this special. I would be devastated if I ever heard her say some of those comments or use those words even if she didn't understand the meaning.

MyLuvBugs replied: Definately continue to lead by example b/c kids are such little sponges and they'll pick up on your way of thinking quickly. However, I also believe that the sooner you start talking to your kids and teaching your kids about things like "saying no to drugs" and that racism is wrong is a GREAT thing. True she may not understand it....lord knows Lorelei looks at me like I'm nuts most of the time, but at least the repetativeness and talking is teaching her and getting it out in the open so she knows she can always talk to you about stuff. KWIM? Definately keep telling her that differences are beautiful too. That will help with not just skin, hair and eye colors, but also learning disabilities, physical disabilities, and other things. Good luck!

DansMom replied: I think that's wonderful! I would have let it go by without comment as well. I am surprised, as usual, at Ashley's maturity and the sophistication of her thought processes. I didn't fantasize about being another race until I was a troubled teen, when I wanted to be part of the Huxtable family (Cosby show)---they were the perfect model of the two-parent family in my eyes.

We had to talk about racism with Daniel after seeing Peter Pan.

sparkys2boys replied: what a sweet thing for her to say. I agree on lead by example and when or if she has questions in the futur then take the time to explain more then.

redchief replied: Dee Dee, I think you handled it perfectly.

mckayleesmom replied: That is a good question. I have also pondered it myself because Mckaylee and Russell have a cousin who is mixed. Neither has ever pointed out that Desi has a different skin color....but they do things that make me think that maybe a conversation about it would be in order. Some of those things are the fact that Mckaylee thinks that every little girl that is darker skinned is her cousin Desi. Since she has met Nicoles girls....all other kids of color are Desi, Christian or Kellie.

I don't know if I should talk to her about it or not. I always just tell her that there are alot of differen't people in the world and you should be nice to them all and they will be nice to her too.

A&A'smommy replied: well for right now I think it would be okay to lead by example but maybe just say to her "yes it is beautiful" to me right now and as she gets older and notices it more then start on rascsm and that some people are very cruel. I have a hard time standing up too people who are racist but I kinda grew up with a racist father (he is MUCH better now) I have never been racist against any race but so its good that she sees that is beautiful now.