When to have "the Talk"? - inspired by Nichole :)

kimberley wrote: and how do you plan to go about it?

just wondering if i should be talking to Jacob about things yet since he just turned 8yo or if i should try Ed & Lisa's open forum method for both boys (james is 6 1/2yo). any advice?

favre4fan replied: Well I had the talk by accident. Nolan got his "educational talk at school" in 5th grade. I picked the boys up from school and Nolan decided he would give me all the details of what he learned while his brother was in the car, so I kinda didn't have to. Austin of course asked a few questions and my oldest answered them for me. I just told him if there was anything he ever doesen't understand don't be afraid to ask. My two are very open about things and never hesitate to ask me whatever is on their minds. Since they are boys i was going to leave that up to the dad and try and get out of it but since it just fell in my lap I did what i could with it and it was kinda like an open forum which worked out well for me. i hope this helps a bit!

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I said 8 years old. I waited until Emily was 9 and I think it was too late. I think she might have appreciated the information before it started happening as opposed to when it did!

Kaitlin'smom replied: not sure, I guess I will kinda let her lead the way and when I think she mgiht be ready I will talk to her

jdkjd replied: I had the "What is Menustration?" class in fifth grade. But I would have appreciated a talk from my mom earlier. I knew about that kind of stuff by third grade. (I'm not sure what that age range is..)

coasterqueen replied: I'm not sure what age either. I know I was around 8 or 9 when I walked in on my parents doing it doggy style and I'm scarred for life. So after that happened my mother basically said "when you get older you are going to do things like that with your husband"...and left it at that. HUH?

The next talk I got was in 4th or 5th grade and it was the "what girls will go through" sort of talk where boys are taken to one room and girls to another and then they give you this big box of DIAPER looking pads to take home with you but you feel like you are going to die because where are you going to put the things for the rest of the day so the boys don't see them.

Then when I was in 6 or 7th or so I started my period on the way home from school on the bus....I was horrified when I got home...my mother then decided it was time to have a "talk" to me...but she still never explained sex...besides "you'll do this with your husband when you get older".....and now that I'm thinking too much about this old scar tissue....not sure if I can look my DH in the face tonight.

TANNER'S MOM replied: I was raised by my father....he never really had any talk with me. When I was in 5th grade and got my period he took me to Granny's. And now Granny was already in her 80's, she thought that tampons were a sin, and pads had to be worn with a belt. Can you imagine??

It was hard. Thank God I friends. I have had talks with my children alot. I think the clue is not to have the Big talk, but lots of little talks along the way. That is better, that way you have an open door and there are no surprises.

redchief replied: I voted "Whenever they ask" but it was more like "When we thought they were ready."

Lisa left that particular set of details to me since I'm much better at the clinical end of things. One thing I am certain of after 4 kids... split down the middle along gender lines; they are all ready at different times and that readiness comes at after different events. That's the best I can tell you... Each one is unique... just like the rest of their development.

I should probably discuss the birds and the bees with my 20 year old now

kimberley replied: thanks everyone for your input. Jacob has already asked me what sex is a couple of months ago and i choked... and told him it means gender, boy or girl... lol. i didn't lie... i just avoided what he was actually asking me. i think i might just hold off until he asks again (because i know he will). he is just such a vocal kid, i am afraid of him telling anyone who will listen what sex is

Boys r us replied: I guess I just grew up differently than most...

Tanner has known what sex is for a couple of years..not i graphic detail..but he knows and I'm glad he does b/c I don't want him getting his education from a bunch of school kids. I also don't want him to have questions about something of that nature and be afraid to ask. I mean..if we'd never mentioned anything about it him and he heard some boys at school secretly discussing it, then I think his first thought would be that it's secret and maybe even bad!
I don't want that either!

I want them both to know that sex and all that goes along with it..is healthy and normal and of course I will tell them the samething my parents told me...It is meant for people who love each other and all of that.
I just don't want them to think it's taboo or bad..I've seen too many people who are grown who can't enjoy sex with their husbands b/c they grew up thinking or being told that sex was something bad..now obviously they realize it's not, especially when they are married, but they can't ever outlive that mental barrier!

coasterqueen replied: You know what Nichole? In so many ways you make sense. LOL. I say that because I explained about what talks I really got from my parents..basically nothing and while I was too much into sex as a teen I didn't see it the way I should have...and for many other reasons...more or less did it to get love from boys (that whole daddy doesn't love me so I have to get it somewhere else I guess, who knows) BUT........I was embarassed to do a lot of things with my DH when we met and I really got "serious" with somone in a sexual manner. I felt a lot of things he wanted to do was dirty and was embarassed and so forth..it took me a long time not to be that way with him.

I don't know if alot of that was just with my abnormal screwy upbringing or if some of it actually had to do with the way my mother presented sex info to me.

raysnroof replied:
Amen to what TAnnersMom said! I did not answer the poll because none of the answers given really fit mine. Our 4 year old girl knows what a uterus is and what it is for and who has them. Our 12 year old son knows what sex is and who he is to save that for (his wife) as well as what the proper names for body parts are. We all talk freely about any topic when it comes up. We always use proper names for body parts, too. We never told any of of kids that I had a "baby in my tummy," for example. Ewwww, I hate that! I think that turning the topic of godly sex into "the talk" creates confusion and possibly an unnatural lure to "discover" what nobody will tell you. My kids know what they need to know now because we watch cues from them and also let conversations just pop up freely. Sometimes we bring them up, sometimes they bring them up, and sometimes the conversation just tips in that direction without anyone helping it along. When our oldest son is 13, we will take him out to dinner and give him a special ring that symbolizes his virginity. It is a ring he can save and give to his wife as a gift. We will do that with each of our kids when they become teens. That is one thing we will plan for but most of the other stuff in not planned. It just happens. I know I will need to plan a time to talk to my only daughter about her unique body. I hope to do that in a few years and maybe just while I am in the bathroom doing her hair one day. I still feel that free and easy chatter about such things mkaes for good communication lines and less transmitted fear. I am not afraid to talk to either my sons or my daughter and neither is my husband. However, he will gladly leave the explanation of menses to me and I will gladly leave the explanation of night immisions to him because some things just have to be known about personally to be properly discussed, lol. If my hubby dies, though, I would rather talk about these things freely than ignore them.
The funny thing is that I did not come from a family that talked freely and neither did my hubby. My FIL jokingly told my hubby to go and boink all the women he could find so that he did not tire out his future wife. My poor hubby believed him and later mourned his choices. My mom thought that the public school should teach me every thing. She came home from school thinking she was bleeding to death, but she never thought about talking to me any more than her mom did. I heard that premarital sex was wrong unless you loved the person. That was what the public school taught me! Hmph!!! Again, I believed what I was told and paid the price. We witnessed what we felt was our parents dropping the batton and we wanted to run a better race. We want to pass the batton of moral purity to our children and we feel that it is best to always just freely explain anything that arrises, as long as the child is ready to hear it. We are honest, and yet always hold the bible as the ultimate truth for them and us. We want them to be truly wise, not ignorant in their moral purity. Hopefully, they can all five, with complete confidence and honesty, give a chastisty ring to their spouces on thier wedding days. I can't think of a more romantic gift!

Sharon in KS
Sharon in KS

Trish_4boys replied: I don't understand why people make such a big deal over "the talk"

Peronaly I've never had one big talk with my kids. I started when they were little and we taked about age appropriate things and we continue to discuss it further as they get older. You can't just pick an age, sit down and have some huge talk about everything. You have to take it slow, start when they are little by talking about differences in boys and girls. That's the beginning. Then it gets into where babies come from, then how they are made, then details.

My oldest are 10 and they know everything from the changes they will go through to where a man puts his penis when a man and woman have sex. They have seen pictures of the womans and the male's sex organs inside and out. They are very educated and their curiosity is eased. We have not gone into anal or oral sex yet but we have talked about masterbation. They know what rape is. We talk about anything that mikght come up and the opurtunity is there.

My 8 year old knows the basics, that a man and woman have sex to make a baby and that a sperm somehow gets to an egg and creates a baby inside the mother. We haven't quite gotten to what goes where in order for that to happen. He knows as well as my 10 yr old's what it means to be gay. I have not gone into detail about how gay people have sex but they know that gay is when two people of the same gender love eachother the same way a mom and dad do.

My youngest is 5 and all we have talked about is the differences between girls and boys (who has what). He knows a baby comes from the mommy's tummy and she pushes it out through a hole that women have and boys don't. That's all we have gotten to for him.


I think it is VERY important for parents to startt young and have little talks throughout with their kids. This is what will make children feel comfortable coming to their parents with questions. Don't wait until your child startts asking because for all you know they are asking the wrong people and that is why they have not asked you. If you want them to feel comfortable coming to you with questions in the first place you have to be the one to open that door by having disucssions with them and not letting them sense that you are uncomfortable about it.

I'll never forget when we were reading from this book the doctor gave us for my 10 yr olds and they had a picture of the female. The looks on their faces showed that they were curious as anything what it looked like and now they know and it's no big deal. I don't want my kids to view sex or the human body as something that is dirty and needs to be kept secret. i want them to view it as natural and beautiful and something to respect.

ferocity302 replied: Actually, my son was about 5 and his sister was 3 when the questions started. I had a wonderful book called........ When a baby is born. It was approved by many clergy and child educators, etc. After reading the book I asked my son if he had any questions and he said no. My daughter was present when we read the book. I have always had an open relationship with my children so it's not really that tough of a subject to talk about. There have been some pretty interesting questions they have come to me with because of things they have heard from friends at school. I have always told them that if they hear something from a friend or at school to come to me to see if the version they heard was true or interpreted.

So..... Yes my kids at 11 and 14 are probably almost as educated about almost all angles of this subject as an adult.

I am so proud of my son lately too with his knowledge. He has a friend (almost 16) who is dating another one of his friends (14) and the 14 year old..............girl........... suggested taking their 2 week relationship to "another level". My son has been counseling both of them on the risks and why it's really not a good idea yet. Yeah!!

Giasmommy replied: DD is 9 and we just had the menstruation talk this summer. I didn't sit her down for "a talk", she asked me how her teacher knew she was pregnant when her stomach wasn't even big. I told her it was because she missed her period......which evolved into a very comfortable Q and A that wasn't at all embarrassing or mortifying for either of us.
She's known what 'gay' means since she was 8. She heard something on the radio news program I was listening to and asked what it meant, so I told her. She doesn't know the sexual aspect of it yet, though.
I haven't discussed sex with her yet. But since she's always been comfortable coming to me with questions, I believe I'll know when it's time.

luvbug00 replied: I agree with nichole! We just let it out in moderade detail when Mya askes.

ashade75 replied: I have sorta had the talk with all three of mine. Ages 10, 12, and 14, but it was simple and to the point. "Sex is for adults, Don't do it". Other than that I just answer questions as they come up.

PrairieMom replied: I had mine with my mom in 2nd. grade, but already had found out all the basics on my own before that. I think you should talk to kids before their friends do it for you.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I will look for cues from my son first, but if he doesn't ask, then I will most likely bring it up around 4th grade. That's when my mom told me about sex and I feel that this was the right time for me. I remember it being about the time I started having feelings for boys and started to watch more adult like movies. So the curiosity was there.

CMScrapmom replied: I can't answer what age you SHOULD have the talk, but we just had this come up with our 9-year-old son. In fact, sitting in church and singing about the 'Virgin Mary" he asked me what a Virgin is......I told him I'd explain it later that day (not the talk you want to have during church) and had to go down that road starting with, it's a woman who has never had 'sex' - and of course 'sex' had to be explained. I tried to explain it in age-appropriate terms without being too cutesy, but was also trying to keep it matter-of-fact and simple, without a lot of detail. I could see his face when the understanding finally dawned on him - what the male/female 'parts' were for and what they did and he looked a bit horrified I like that it came up naturally as opposed to my initiating the conversation. I had been thinking though about this given his age and what I feared the school discussions might be around him - I'm glad it came up now or I would likely have made sure we had this conversation before this year was over.....

kimberley replied: update.. i had "the talk" with Jacob a couple of weeks ago. it was unavoidable really. he kept saying that marriage had to be a part of having a baby. he had everything backwards in his head, so i had to set him straight. it was as though he thought part of a wedding ceremony was creating a baby.

anyways, i explained it as simply as i could with the correct terminology and the emotional side of it as well. he had a few questions and i answered them honestly and he was not impressed lol. once he understood how an egg got fertilized.. he just said.. "you've got to be kidding me?! sick, man, sick!!" LOL i told him it isn't so sick when you grow up and truly love someone enough to want a baby with them but that is a LOOOOOOOONG time away for him. he was satisfied. what did shock me was a few days later he asked me to explain menstruation to him i did as well as puberty and wet dreams. oy, being a parent is just not easy sometimes

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
rofl!!

i'm going to be the one to do the talking to our kids... i don't want them to be grossed out and scarred for life by DH's view on intimacy.... i want their SO's in the future to have a good sex life...

A&A'smommy replied:
OMG that had me rolling!!

CAMSMOM1 replied: My Mom had the talk with me at 9 years old because my older sister got pregnant, she was only 16. My Mom was sacred that I would be just like my sister. Trsut me, I didn't need to have the talk, after seeing what my sister went through raising a newborn in High School...was all the "talk" I needed to have!
My Mom and I were always very open with each other. I never had a problem asking her anything, and she never had a problem telling me. I rememberwhen I was in HS, a few of my friends were over and we were talking about guys and sex, not thinking my Mom was in the room listening. So she comes out and says, "You girls want to now how to give a good BJ?" (if you know what I mean by BJ). So she told us, we were all laughing hysterically, and I was dying hearing this! But at least we could talk and not hold things back. The funny part was, I told my Dad what she had said, and he said, "Why didn't she do that when we were married? I wouldn't take advise from your mother on BJ'S!!!!" Oh my gosh, my parents are nuts! Way to much information for their daughter to hear! I sitll have nightmares about that one!
On a serious note, I think you should be the first one to talk to your child. I work at an Elementary school, and you'd be amazed on the conversations I over hear, and what a 2nd grader knows!
I started my period in 4th grade, so I never watched the "movie" they show on puberty. So when I started my period, I honestly thought I was dying. And since I was the first girl out of my group of friends to have a period, I didn't have anyone to ask. So I ran home and told my Mom to callt he ambulance because I was bleeding to death!" True story!
I wish my Mom would've told me about periods before I thought I was bleeding to death! She knew I was already wearing a bra, I guess she forgot to mention that I would soon be wearing a pad!
Ann

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
I started at 9 years old, the first of my friends too... I was ashamed about it - I had no idea. It took me 3 days to tell my mom I had a problem... I was just putting toilet paper in my underwear... thank god I was always very light bleeder...

When I told my mom, she asked me if I knew what Kotex was... I told her yes - she asked me if I knew how to put one on, or if she needed to show me. I was soooooooooo embarassed that I said I knew how, when I didn't... so the next day, at school, which happened to be a day where I had gym class - I wore the dang pad - but here's the kicker - I didn't KNOW you had to peel off the paper in the back where its sticky... so I had this thing in my crotch that kept shifting around... and I couldn't jog around the track, because it kept threatening to fall out... and then it DID. It fell out in my jogging pants. I'm happy the pants had an elastic at the bottom...

I went to see the gym teacher, and asked to go to the bathroom... I was a chunkier kid - and had a history of trying to get out of gym class... so the teacher said no. So I kept joggin, with this wet pad at my ankle, in my joggin pants... finally I went to see her again, and told her I had girl problems, and really really needed to go to the bathroom... she said: Why didn't you SAY SO in the first place?

so I went to the bathroom, rearranged the pad, cleaned myself up... and went back to the gym class.

You know it took me THREE WHOLE CYCLES to realize there was a sticky strip on the dang things?

CantWait replied: No one has had the talk yet with Robbie, who is now 10, but I did get him the book Chicken Soup for the Preteen Soul for Christmas....whihc explains a lot of growing up and changes your body goes through. Hopefully this will inspire some questions for him, or maybe we'll just read it together.

sillisha replied: my son asked a lot of questions before he started elementary school i taught him the right words for girls and boys body parts and basically explained that when a man and a woman love each other they can make a baby and that the baby grows inside the moms belly and then is born.......im not sure how much he remembers or knows now at 8,but i'm going to wait to have the talk with all the facts till he starts showing an interest in girls whenever that may be. better said when i have to do this to him...:fireman:lol

sillisha replied:

MomToJade&Jordan replied: I voted for "whenever they ask" because I want to be open about this with my children. I got the talk in the 3rd grade mainly because I was developing that early and my Mom wanted to make sure I knew what was going on. She got a book from the library called Period, read it, and then gave it to me to read. She let me know that if I had questions I could come to her. I do remember asking my Mom at the age of either 8,9 or 10 how babies are made and she told me the truth. That was how I was raised so I plan on making it that way for my girls.

CosmetologyMommy replied: I got THE TALK in school, about 5 th grade I believe. I sort of already knew though....just not to the full extent.....

AJDomagalla replied: In our family, we have several talks over the years. When they're about 5 or 6, we do the "where babies come from" talk, but don't go into details. Around 9, we do a puberty talk and we're going to have the full out sex talk at around 12. My 11 year old is going into middle school, so I think this is probably about the right time.

AJ