Why do we want to be our child(ren)s' friends?

DVFlyer wrote: A bit of a psychological curiosity......

Why do we feel the need to be our childrens' friends? In the end, our job, as parents, is to get them ready to live on their own.

A simple example:

My son loves to watch the DVD player in our minivan in the garage. So far, we've gone through two batteries and have drained the current one at least 10 times.... no, I'm not exaggerating. Batteries are not cheap and draining one many times is always bad. We now carry one of those jumper boxes with us because of that.

So why is it so hard to say, "No, you can't watch a movie in the van. You can either play outside or watch one in the house etc...". It would definitely be better for the van's battery.

Of course we want our children to be happy, but is being happy "now" really setting them up to be happy later..... or does it really matter?

I'm not talking about being mean to them, because you can be fair and stern without being mean.

Discuss below if you wish.

gr33n3y3z replied: I'm my childrens parent before I'm their friend

Teesa®© replied: I want to be my children's friend in the sense that no matter what happens to/with them, they'll feel comfortable talking to/with me about anything. Sometimes, it's easier to talk with a friend than a parent.

Crystalina replied: If it came between my kids liking me and going through that many batteries then my kids would totally hate me. I also don't like them in vehicles like that. It's dangerous.

My kids told me the other day that they found a new hiding place behind the backseats (meaning the trunk!! ). I flew off the handle on that one and now they won't even go near the trunk. I told them that if you go in the trunk you die. Period. I'm not sugar coating that one.

luvmykids replied: I think some of it stems from the notion that if they see us as friends, we have more influence, if they see us a friends everyone is happy and there is no conflict, etc....Although that notion isn't true I think a lot of parents make the mistake of thinking if they're "cool" about things, their kids won't lie, disobey, sneak around as teens, etc.

I want my kids to like me and appreciate me as a friend in the sense that they are honest with me and can talk to me about the hard things, but it's much more important to me to parent them, lots of love and guidance and discipline when necessary and hopefully we end up with the ideal balance.

eta: My FIL has a saying....If your kids aren't mad at you at least once in awhile you're doing something wrong.

Our Lil' Family replied: My child(ren) will have plenty of friends throughout their lifetime, I am their only mother! We don't give birth to friends, we give birth to children that we are entrusted to parent. I feel very strongly about this as I have an aunt who is her teen age daughter's best friend....let's just say it doesn't work real well in the discipline department.

Kentuckychick replied:
Exactly!
But honestly no matter how hard you try to be your child's 'friend' you will always be their parent and there will still be things they can't or won't talk to you about.

I hope that makes sense. I mean I would like to think I could tell my mom anything in the world and I probably could but she's my mom... not my friend and just because I can tell her everything doesn't mean I will...

Calimama replied:
Yep.

luvbug00 replied:

exactly, i can't stand the mom's in their short shorts and bulging cleavage blasting tween music decking their kids out in maching chanel clothes, coach bags, and gucci glasses. It's gross.

Teesa®© replied:
I can tell my Mom pretty much anything, but I would never discuss my sex life with her - she's Dutch, 84, old-school and has been married to the same guy for over 60 years. She'd probably be jealous

Two other things that I would NEVER tell her even if you held a gun to my head, would be about my time being abused by a counsellor she and Dad had me see when I was 11 - they'd never forgive themselves and it wasn't their fault - or the time I was abused by my ex. I survived, I'm fine and what they don't know can't hurt them.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
Amen to that!!

I have no problem parenting or disciplining my children. That's why God gave them to me. It's our job.

I will admit that I say "no" a little too much. Sometimes Scotty will look at me and say "Why did you just tell them no? What's it going to hurt?"

TANNER'S MOM replied: Well I think it's b/c we don't want our children to reject us. I mean it's hard when we here I hate you, YOUR MEAN, I want my Dad not you etc. It's hard. I have tried to not be the FRIEND parent, but the real parent many times. I will tell you this, when they are 7 or 8 and tell you that you are mean has nothing on when they are 16 and tell you what an awful person and parent you are. You children can sure hurt you in ways I never knew until I had a teenager. Britt can make me cry fast. We haven't fought in a while but 15 and 16 were bad. She knew it all and pushed me as far as could with out violence. I had to literally stop the car one time and get out of the car and walk around to stop from hitting her! But she learned her lesson. When the oldest one became a teenager I learned my parenting lesson.. Mom first, Friend later. When you are married

luvmykids replied:
LOL...funny but so true, for me anyway. That's when I became closest to both my parents, almost like I had graduated into "their" club or something

HuskerMom replied:
I'm the same way. I'm so much closer to my parents now. I guess when I was a teenager I knew everything and they knew nothing and now that I'm a parent I know nothing also! We have more in common now!

jcc64 replied: In no way shape or form do I want to be my kids' friend, I am their mom first and foremost, that's what they need me for. Having said that, I think as our kids get older, we don't want to become so adversarial or dictatorial that we participate in building a barrier between us. That is, kids inevitably pull away as they get older, and if we engage in every little battle, however meaningless, in an effort to perpetually assert our dominance, it will damage the lines of communication, imo. My strategy is to pick my battles- if it's something of little consequence, I will let them "win", so they feel like I am approachable and reasonable and above all, will listen to their concerns. This is vital for those times when we want them to come to us for advice for the BIG issues.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
I don't think this is an example of being their friend really, I think it's just an example of picking battles.

Being a friend would be a parent who never disciplines when their child is out of line, or a parent who is super passive aggressive.

In our house we are the parents first, but I also want my children to feel comfortable being able to come and talk to use about anything they wish. We discipline and are forming our children in becoming productive, well-mannered, and ethical people for society. But...I also don't want my children to grow up to fear us, and I also think it's important to learn how to pick battles. Only each individual knows which battles are more important for their home.

grapfruit replied: I wish wish wish wish WISH my mom wanted to be my mom and not my "friend".

Please people, be the parent. I need a mom, not a friend. I have plenty of those.

When she tells me that she's upset b/c I didn't ask her to be my maid of honor I wanted to throw my phone acrossed the room. Might of if it wasn't brand new. If she wasn't my mom I would never be friends w/her. I would never talk to her. She's an awful friend. I miss my mom

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
ITA with what Monica said!

redchief replied: I admit that I probably wasn't the easiest dad in the world. I had expectations of them regarding their behavior and the consequences of misstepping were sometimes harsh, but they learned how to socially interact. By the time they got older, like Jeanne said, I started giving them space to become who they would, and it seemed to work out. All of my children are independent but know they can talk to Lisa or me when they need to. I believe there is still that small fear of reprisal in them because they usually will talk to Lisa first, but that's OK. I would love to be their friend, but I can't be, so I try to be the best dad I can.

my2monkeyboys replied: The hard thing is that it is such a fine line, I think, between them seeing you as a friend or as the parent, esp when they are younger. As Will is growing up he is starting to see me as more the parent, but bc I spent so much playing with him everyday when he was younger (he has no siblings yet) I think it was a little confusing as to why I couldn't/wouldn't when other adults were over. I was always his friend, but not at certain times, in his mind.
Kids need their parents - they need the kind of guidance and support and (gasp!) wisdom that a parent can give, that a friend never really can.