Why is this just so difficult for me?

coasterqueen wrote: I'm sorry if I keep posting about my aunt's death and how it's been so hard on me. I know I should seek counseling for it and I'm going here in a little over a week, but why is this so hard for me and no one else? Not even her kids, I guess.

I invited my aunt's two children to Megan's birthday party, but couldn't bring myself to invite my uncle. It was just too painful to do so. Anyways, I got an email from my cousin last night telling me how the wedding plans are going, how my other cousin was doing and then at the very end she goes on to say "Yeah dad and Joan (the other woman) just got back from a wonderful vacation in Virginia with her relatives. They got to see me in my dress and dad teared up. He goes back to work next week." He's been off of work on leave since my aunt's death late last July. That last few sentences were so hard for me I just literally started crying. I wish I wouldn't have opened it while my girls were right there because it was too hard to explain it to Kylie and I couldn't hold the tears back.

I guess my cousin has excepted her. She must if she's calling her by her first name and talking about their vacation like it's no big deal, right? I didn't want to know this woman's name, I didn't want to know anything.

Well anyways, I had this horrible dream last night about how we went to visit my aunt and uncle at their house, how I kept reaching to hug my aunt but we couldn't hug for some reason. Then all of a sudden the dream changes and DH and I are selling our home and moving into a house that looks EXACTLY like my aunt's house. The only difference is DH was having an interior decorator come in and was lavishly making the place look so gorgeous! Don't know why that part was in there, maybe my brain was trying to humor me in a terrible dream?. Anyways then I would see my aunt and uncle again in the dream telling them we sold our house and moved into a house just like theirs, blah blah blah. We tried to hug again and couldn't. They kept asking us why we would sell our home since the land has been in the family so long and they knew how important it was to us, etc. Then the dream moved on to us showing our house to a couple who were interested in it. We were selling them on all the points of our home...but the rooms in our home weren't ours, the inside of the home looked nothing like our home. It was so strange.

Every time I hear my uncles name, my aunt's name, anything to do with them I have terrible dreams and just feel like crying every second of the day. This has still not gotten easier for me. Why? It seems to have gotten easier for everyone else. My cousins are going on with their lives, accepting her, accepting what my uncle did. I just don't think I could do that if it were my parents. Even if my uncle didn't have anything to do with my aunt's death (which I still think emotionally/mentally he did) I still couldn't except his girlfriend and how they are getting married this year JUST because I'd feel guilty for my mother's sake. KWIM? It hasn't even been a year yet.

I just wish I wouldn't have invited my cousins now because seeing them at Megan's birthday is going to be too much and that day is supposed to be a special day. I want them to be a part of my life though. I want to talk to them so badly about this but I can't. I've tried and I can't.

What is wrong with me?????

booey2 replied: I am so sorry Karen, I really don't know what to say except to offer my hugs and prayers for you. Everyone grieves in their own way and time. It will get easier.

Boys r us replied: Oh Karen, there is nothing wrong with you! NOTHING!

It sounds to me like your cousins and perhaps even your uncle are in denial. When we're grieving so hard over a loss, sometimes it's easy to forget that everyone deals with grief in a different way. Maybe all of them are just QUICKLY moving on with life because it's the only way that they can go on. I don't know..but that is my speculation. Maybe inside they are angry at their mother? So perhaps it's not guilt they feel when they see their dad happy with another woman? I don't know..but KNOW THAT THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU KAREN!!!

I hope that on Megan's birthday you are so preoccupied and busy that it won't phase you when they come.

jem0622 replied: Gosh, I just don't know. I think death hits us all differently, so I couldn't say why this is affecting you in this way. Did you have a special relationship that you didn't have with other family?

My gma passed in 2000 and I still grieve and wish she were here. When my gpa passed, I was actually relieved (he wasn't very shauvanistic w/ my gma, prejudice, wasted money gambling). My gma is the one I missed most. She cared for me and my brother when we were toddlers (while my mom volunteered and got counseling at Children's following my sister's death). I just loved her to pieces. And I really feel that she should not have died. I think that is what really hurts. When you question the doctors and if they did right then you feel cheated and angry.

Did that happen with your aunt?

HUGS. You have to do what you feel is 'safe' and best for you at this time.

coasterqueen replied:
I had a very close relationship with her growing up. Not so much as an adult though. I mean she was very special to me, but I didn't visit with her as much as when I was living at home and younger. When I was younger I spent many summers with her and my cousins.

She committed suicide because she couldn't deal with the thought of being alone and that my uncle wanted to leave her for this other woman. He had been cheating on her for over 20+ years. She was a very religious person and felt that marriage was til death do us part and wanted to work things out with him. She fell into a very deep depression and tried counseling with her pastor and others but I guess felt this was the only way out. My uncle told her he was definitely leaving her right before she jumped out of the car, ran back home and hid in the basement and killed herself. OR at least this is how it was all told to me.

So, no, I don't think she should have died. I think he is the one who doesn't deserve to live, deserve to be happy. I just feel like he pushed her too far and didn't seek the rest of our family to help her. We didn't even know any of this was going on, didn't know she was depressed, didn't know that they were having problems, nothing. I put both my uncle and aunt up on this pedestal because they were so religious and seemed to be the epitomy of the perfect marriage, life, family, etc. I can't look at him the same ever again.

3xsthefun replied: I really don't know what to say, but wanted to offer you some hugs.

jcc64 replied: Check your pms.
I just wanted to add that, as a child who lived with a chronically depressed parent, it is exceedingly difficult to live with someone like this. I'm not talking about a little down in the mouth, either, I'm talking about day after day of draining self involvement, where the person is so consumed by their own negative and destructive thoughts that they have little energy for anything/anyone else, including their own families. My dad loved my family as much as he knew how, and from the outside, he looked like a warm, generous, and loving guy, which he was. His funeral was SRO. But what wasn't so obvious from the outside was that he just didn't have alot of energy left over after he got done fighting the battles in his own head for the rest of us. After my dad died, although my mom is incredibly sad and lonely, she said she feels a certains sense of relief, b/c she never was able to realize how his depression hung over her life like a perpetual thundercloud. It's like she can finally see the sun again.
I know you loved your aunt very much, and I'm certain your uncle's narcisstic behavior contributed in some way to her depression spiralling so completely out of control that she felt she had no reason to live. But, and this is a big "but", your aunt had a role in her own unhappiness- the most important role. My dad was always looking for my mom, or his boss, or whomever, to make him happier. And when he got to the end of his life, I think he finally realized that the only person that could make him happy was- him. And that's true for all of us.

~Roo'sMama~ replied:
There's nothing wrong with you, Karen. The circumstances around your aunts death and leading up to it are horribly devastating. You're not only grieving the fact that she's gone, but also the way your uncle treated her and the fact that she should still be here. That makes it harder to get over, I think, like a jagged wound is harder to heal than a clean cut.

As for your uncle and cousins, your uncle might be feeling guilty knowing that he was probably the reason she died, and your cousins maybe just don't want to deal with it and face the fact that their dad was wrong. I hope I'm not getting too analytical here, my mind just always wants to figure out what people are thinking... but I'm no psychiatrist, lol.

I'm so sorry Karen, no matter what the circumstances it's not easy to lose a loved one. And when you feel like no one else is hurting as much as you it just adds insult to injury.

fashionmumofboys replied:

A&A'smommy replied: Oh Karen I'm glad your telling someone how you feel you shouldn't keep it locked in!!! I can't tell you why you are still having a hard time with her death but I can imagine its because of a special bond you felt with her... It will get better but its going to take time!!!!

MyLuvBugs replied: The dream to me seems like you are struggling with not having closure, or not feeling like you got to say good-bye to your aunt or something. I suffered with that alot after my sister died. I wasn't there in the hospital with her, and I didn't get to tell her that I loved her. So, I had a lot of regret when she passed.

It's strange thinking about it now, but I mourned her for almost 3 years. I couldn't date, I cried off and on, somedays I struggled to get out of bed (mainly on special days like her b-day). It wasn't everyday, but days when something would remind me of her.

I totally know how you feel, but it does get better. You just have to think of all the good times that you had with your aunt, and know in your heart that she's better off now. She loved you, and knew that you loved her. Also, ask yourself....would my aunt want me to be so sad for this long, or would she want me to move on and be happy?

It will take time, and it's SOOOOO hard when other family members seem to have moved on and don't "care". But they do. It's just that everyone mourns differently. KWIM? It will be ok.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: You are going through the normal grieving process. It will take time for you to get over the passing of your aunt. Maybe counselling would be good for you. So you would have someone to talk to about how you are feeling! Be strong and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling!

My2Beauties replied: Karen I don't know what to say. I honestly don't, I'm at a loss for words because I'm just like you in that, I deal with death pretty badly. If a similar situation had happened to me I would probably be grieving the same way you do, I don't handle death lightly and I can't imagine handling it any other way, but I've found that throughout life others really do handle it differently. Maybe they are just as hurt by it as you, but they are just trying really hard to hold it all in and bottle it up, or at least seem ok about it on the exterior for their father's sake. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, Jeanne was right in that, she was also responsible for some of her own depression, and it could have been that she's been depressed prior to her even finding out about her husband's unfortunate habits. It's just a thought, something to think about. I'm really sorry and all I can offer to you are I hope you are able to get through this and that couseling helps.

Sarah&Mackenzie replied:

jem0622 replied: I can see how this would be hurting you so badly. Truly. And I don't think I could ever live with my uncle around me ever again. Truly. You can say that she ultimately made the choice to end her life, but it was a cause and effect circumstance. Had your uncle not done what he did, and if he had really worked through better or worse, then she would and could still be here. When people are crying out for help then you can choose to help them by committing them or getting them into a program, or you can say that it is just no use.

I have a MIL who is an alcoholic, has taken Valium like it's candy, and has disappeared for days. She almost died last year b/c of her habits. I do feel that the disfunctional childhood she had, coupled with my FIL are just keeping her in this horrible tailspin. And none of her kids (including my DH) have done intervention. Only my SIL has excommunicated herself, DH, and kids b/c she is just plain sick of it. And my BIL is a wandering free spirit somewhere in CO. I am just a DIL, so what do I know? What can I do? Nothing, b/c it isn't my place. They are moving to DE from MD this month and who knows how that will go.

HUGS