cheating - what's your definition?

cameragirl21 wrote: ok, so this is how you define cheating both for what you would have to do to qualify based on your opinion AND what your SO would have to do for you to call it that.
i ask this because i have had many guy friends who were just friends over the years and everyone around me, both my friends, their friends and their SO's often did not believe we were just friends even though we were.
so it kind of begs the question--where does "just friends" end and crossing the line begin?
as always, feel free to comment...or not.

CantWait replied: Anything intimate(holding hands, cuddling, kissing), whether it be online or not.

cameragirl21 replied:
ok, not to disagree with you, Marie but just for clarification...my definition of intimate (for the purpose of this poll) involves the removal of clothing while being in the same room, a good example would be what Bill Clinton did with Monica Lewinsky in that there was intimate involvement but there was no way he could have gotten her pg.
this is just to clarifiy what i meant by that option in the poll.

Bamamom replied: I didn't vote cause my choice wasn't there. I consider cheating to begin anytime you consider someone of the "whatever gender you're attracted to" to be a closer friend/confidant than your signifigant other. I think this emotional bond USUALLY preceeds any physical contact.

As you can gather I guess I feel cheating emotionally is just as bad as cheating physically.

stella6979 replied: I didn't vote, cause while I do think that holding hands would be inappropriate, I don't see anything wrong with going to dinner or chatting online with someone of the opposite gender. Cheating to me is any kind of physical contact that you know should only be shared between you and your SO. Such as kissing, holding hands, etc..I also consider any kind of sex talk via phone or email cheating as well.

moxee24 replied: My best friend is male and we do talk at anytime of the day or night (online and on the phone), so I don't think that I would consider holding hands or going to dinner at a "romantic" resturant cheating...IF... there are no romantic feelings involved.
OK, I have some issues with cheating, seems how my ex-husband cheated on me several times. I voted kissing someone of the opposite sex, but I also would have picked the two following it as well.

cameragirl21 replied:
ok, let me clarifiy this also--each of these is meant to be the minimum that you would consider cheating...so if you voted kissing then afterthing thereafter (other than it's only cheating if you get caught) qualifies.
each of these are meant to be the minimum that would make you call it cheating ONLY.

Bamamom replied:
I agree that it's okay to go to lunch or chat on the phone - as long as there is no emotional connection. When that other person starts to take on the role of your confidant or best friend - that's the beginning of trouble IMHO.

lisar replied: You need an all of the above option.... Except of the one its only cheating if you get caught.

cameragirl21 replied:
well the idea is to define what would have to happen at the very least for you to call it cheating...all of the above would be an obvious choice and my intent is to get people think about how they feel about issues and things.
so in this case, what would have to happen at minimum for you to say that you cheated or that someone cheated on you.
what makes this hard is many of us have different rules/definitions for ourselves and our SO's.

MomToJade&Jordan replied: This is a pretty touchy subject with me since I was there and for me cheating is when your SO goes the whole 9 yards. Anything up to that doesn't hold a candle to how a person feels when they are betrayed like that. Especially when you have been told oh I only want to be with you and I love only you.

lisar replied:
Okay well if I saw my DH holding hands with another woman I would consider it cheating. Why would he be holding hands with another woman. If her husband or something had just died maybe. but other than that and the Crap would hit the fan. But thats just me.

cameragirl21 replied:
Carrie-Anne, i realize this is a touchy subject with you but if you don't mind my asking, something you said made me curious--is that to say then that you don't consider that Bill Clinton cheated on Hillary just because he never went the whole 9 yards with Monica?
would you say then that intimate involvement in the bedroom that excludes the final act but does include every possible overture leading up to it is not cheating in your opinion?
not to disagree or argue with you, just curious.

CantWait replied:
I guess you and I have a different version of intimate then. I guess my option also wouldn't be on the poll.

CantWait replied:
I'm with you, that's why I choose being intimate in the sense that I did.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Hmmm tough question. I've always gotten along better with males than with females... and many of my best friends are male. My closest friend (other than my dh of course) is male, and we do things together pretty regularly.

For instance, the last few times we went out together, we went to play pool and have a few drinks. Then, another time, we watched Billy Connelly dvds at his place, just the two of us.

We chat almost every day online, we talk on the phone now and then. We talk about intimate things, but not towards each other... like, i can tell him of the problems i'm having with dh - and he'll try to give me a guy's perspective, and vice versa. Dh is fine with me and my friend, just as his longtime girlfriend is fine with our friendship.

If we haven't physically seen each other in a long time, we will hug. But I think that's a cultural thing as opposed to a physical contact thing, because i'm french, and we french tend to hug a lot. And kisses on teh cheeks... it's annoying sometimes. My FIL gives me a kiss on each cheek EVERYTIME i see him...

There is no attraction, either emotional or physical, between my friend and I - we are just very good friends, extremely comfortable with each other - we're very close.

I don't consider the above to be cheating, just because of the nature of the relationship. We've known each other about 11 years I guess...almost as long as DH and I.

Now, if it were that type of friendship with someone who I'd just met, say last summer... well then that would be different, because of the intimacy factor... not to say that the same "intimacy" is ok with one person and not the other... but when you know someone inside and out, and know the intention behind the words or the actions, is different than if you're still getting to know someone... ya know? Like if my friend is teasing me and puts his arm around my shoulders to be funny... well that's all it is, and we both know that. It would happen whether our dh and gf are there or not, it's not something to be hidden... but with someone i wouldn't know as well, i wouldn't know whether him putting his arm around my shoulders would be him just trying to be funny, or him faking trying to be funny, and really trying to cop a feel... get the difference?

I think it's important for everyone to have an opposite sexed friend. They can help to see the other side of things.

Besides... my friend is like, the gayest straight-guy ever. He's more into decorating than I am.

MomToJade&Jordan replied:
The funny thing is before my ex had an affair on me everything up to it seemed like cheating to me. I mean why would a person do something like that with someone else if they claim to love you? So I guess all of the above could be considered cheating in some way, but the betrayal of someone actually having an affair on you cuts deeper then any of those things ever can. So if an act breaks a trust then yes it's cheating because you expect certain things from the person you say your vows with. Marriage is sacred to me and if you aren't ready to stay faithful to the person you enter into it with then you shouldn't marry in the first place.

skinkybaby replied: For me, you've crossed the line when you're engaging in behavior that you wouldn't do in front of your significant other.

gr33n3y3z replied: lets see

touching in any way shape or form Physically and wanting it even with clothes on

I have many male friends and they hug me or give a kiss hello or goodbye but never have they held my hand or walked with their arm around me

Calimama replied: I would be mad if my DH were holding someones hand, kissing them, hugging them excessively etc. As soon as the lips touch I consider it full out cheating.

boyohboyohboy replied: For me, cheating doesnt start with a physical touch...
it starts when one person in the relationship starts to think of another in a sexual way, or anyway, that would dishonor a marriage.

I have always felt cheating is so much more then physical....for me your eyes can get you in as much trouble as your hands..

mom21kid2dogs replied: I couldn't vote, either, because none of the choices fit my definition. Personally, intimacy in my book is 75% emotional and only about 25% physical. It would be cheating for me the minute I move from "just friends" in my mind to "potential lover". It has nothing to do with any physical act for me.

holley79 replied: Anything remotely intimate or sexual (because we know it can be sex without intimacy, romance) whether offline or on.

Bamamom replied:
OOOO - yeah - that's what I meant. VERY GOOD!!!!!

gr33n3y3z replied:
very well said

Crystalina replied:
That is exactley what I was getting ready to post. If you feel you have to hide it then it is considered cheating. Period. If you do not feel guilty then you shouldn't have to hide the fact and if you are hiding the fact then you must be doing something wrong.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
Exactly.


With my post earlier, about my friend, with like his arm around my shoulder if he's teasing me or whatever... it would be the same whether my DH was there or not.

And I meant teasing like the "awww muffin" type, not of the "other" type.

Not sure why I feel like I have to justify myself... lol I just feel like I do.

jem0622 replied: How about 'All of the Above'? That would be my answer.

luvmykids replied:
I think intimacy can be emotional as much as physical. I think anything you wouldn't do/say in front of your spouse is inappropriate. I didn't vote because there were more than one that qualify as cheating for me.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
ITA with this.

Most affairs aren't planned. They just happen. It's best not to put yourself in that situation. It could start out totally innocent, but we are all human. All it takes is one time of feeling lonely or misunderstood and you start leaning on that other person more than your SO. It's just playing w/fire IMO. NOt to mention how it makes your SO feel.

lisar replied:
I see your point Rocky. That to me would not be cheating. Thats just friends. I have a few friends like that myself. They are my DH's friends and best friends husbands. So there would never be an attraction there. They are cute but I wouldnt want to run off and kiss them or anything. Me and Robert give each other a hug everytime we see each other. Its his nature and everyone is fine with that. I chose that if my DH was holding hands with another woman. Mainly cause he shouldnt be.

Rocky I didnt think you needed to justify yourself I understood.

jcc64 replied: To me, cheating is more of a mindset than a physical action. Acting on that mindset, obviously, is the final blow, but it starts wayyyy before it gets to that point.

kimberley replied:
i agree

Cece00 replied: Kissing is where I would start to define cheating, but any of the other options, while not "cheating" in my book, are unacceptable, and subject to a divorce if this happened with my hubby. Kissing or anything worse would definetly put us in line for a divorce.

JadensMama05 replied:
I voted chatting online regularly but I totally agree with everything you say!!

TANNER'S MOM replied: I agree cheating is when you have something to hide. This weekend I had a few drinks before we went out.. I walked in my best friends house and sat down on her mans lap and told him to tell her to hurry up, while sitting on someone's lap is intimate.. for us it was me being completely silly. She was there and so was Randy.. nothing sexual about it all. Now if I saw or heard of my Dh sitting on someone's lap with out me being there I would kill somebody. Jada has also sat on Randy's lap.. meaning nothing but they were talking and being goofey. They might wrestle or hug or maybe dance when we are having a party but I am always present. If I wasn't then I would have a problem.

Randy has friends who call and maybe say something like Hey Sexy what's up.. is Randy home? Darn it I just wanted to talk to you.. Now, that being said can be a joke and it is from his friends. But when they mean it.. it's different and I have been in the place where on of his friends came over when he wasn't home and acted that strange way.. and I told him to leave and I told Dh exactly what happend. I didn't want to not tell him even though I did nothing wrong and then months later someone say.. hey I heard so and so was at your house. I didn't want to ruin their friendship but my marriage was way more important.

It's the hidden factor. If you hide then you feel guilty about it.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Anything below the list of going to dinner with someone of the opp sex at a romantic dinner.

MyBrownEyedBoy replied:
Carrie-Ann, I am so with you on this one.

Mommy2BAK replied: i define cheating the same way the Bible does, which all of those options would be