frustrated w/ step child - feel conquered by a 2 year old
jolene555 wrote: as some of y'all know, my fiance', barry, has a son, nathan. nathan is 27 months old and has lived for this past year with barry's insane mother. after a ridiculous time in court, where she demanded custody based on figments of her imagination, we started the process of having him with us permanantly. this is where the frustration comes in.
i believe that nathan has the potential to be a great kid, problem is that he's been raised by that moron too long! barry knows so little about children that he's basically handed me the job of teaching nathan the rules of our home. carol (the moron) lets him run all over the house, throwing whatever he wants - he is waited upon - if he cries she comes running - she does not require him to share, if he wants what she's got he gets it.
i've got a decent handle on most of the stuff - even though he cries when i pick him up each weekend since i am the evil step-mother who forces him to do what he dosen't want. i've got one problem - bed.
you see, carol puts him in bed at 8:30, but turns HIS TV (emphasized for the fact that he, a 2 year old, has a tv in his room - she's such a moron) on for him to watch until he's finally tired enough to fall asleep. then when he wakes halfway through the night, which she insists he does only because he's in pain (yah, right) she goes and holds him until he falls back asleep. so, yes, he cries out everynight around 2:30. it's his routine, now. he's not in pain - why would he have pain, especially in the middle of the night when he has no pain all day? so . . . i was forced to make him cry it out. i'm not going to give him a tv just because carol's a moron. he was unable to be rocked to sleep or put himself to sleep - because that was not his routine. it worked beautifully. he still whimpers a bit when first laid in bed, but he falls asleep quickly.
here's the problem - are you ready??? at 2:30 when he wakes up crying - we do nothing. it's a habit he needs to break - an annoying one at that. he gets soo mad/angry/upset about not being attended to that he pulls all of his sheets off the mattress in his crib - throws it all out - and rips holes in his mattress. after the holes are there he pulls out the fuzz and throws it around the room. this pisses me off to no end.
i have no clue as to how i should deal with this. the first time he did it i made him sit in his crib w/ a bare mattress for 20 minutes while georgia and i played in the room, w/ his toys no less. obviously accompanied with being told that it was wrong. i had hoped it was a one-time thing, but it keeps happening. barry, of course, thinks i am being too hard on him. "so what - it's just a mattress!" but it will be a different tune when he's ripping up one of barry's things. i'm at the point of making him sleep in the pack-n-play.
so what can i do??? i mean, this is only the tip of the iceburg. i also have to deal with him refusing to eat. yah - he refuses to finger feed himself (because carol always spoon feeds him). he will not touch that food no matter what. i swear that woman should be shot.
sorry this was so long - i really needed to vent about all this. apologies to all.
jillian4me replied: sounds like fun!- as far as eating, he will eat when he gets hungry. trust me.  Even if its not three times a day or even 2ce a day. you are obligated to provide the meal for him, but he is the one who is obligated to eat it. If after a certain amount of time, say 30 minutes, he still refuses to eat, well, take the plate away and move on with the day. Do the same thing when its time to eat again. Its not cruel- you are not witholding nutrition from the child, he is being cruel to you, and so is your dh for not supporting you- I hate that--see my posts-lol...I bet after a day or so hell be figuring out the hand to mouth thing. A 2 year old is very aware of how to manipulate, dont let anyone else tell you otherwise!
bedtime- good for you. you are doing the right thing.- The mattress thing yikes! at least he hasnt discovered how to finger paint with diaper contents.
thats always interesting! I would take all the fuzz out of the mattress- (to avoid choking hazard) and let him sleep on it still. "sorry honey- but the matress used to be comfy, I wish you hadnt pulled all the cushion out" ok maybe that would be mean.
I think that as long as the child does not come out of the room then having a tv on is ok. as long as its child suitable program, and turned down way low. My 3 and 4 yr old have a tv in their room- but when I put them to bed they stay in the room. they go to sleep after about 20 minutes- I used to just plug in the "tom and Jerry" video and let the tape run out but then it would go to "white noise" and well since "that" movie, I had to put cable in there so when the movie runs out it goes to a different cartoon. so my kids not only have a tv in their room they also have a vcr and cable.lol my bad. (it works for me:)
Good luck to you!
babys_aura replied: Omgosh, Jo...bless you for trying so hard. This sounds like the kind of mess I'd sit down and have a really long hard cry over...lmao. I am a crier..lol.
It sounds horrible. I don't know what I would do. Is it legal to take the mattress away? Maybe if he sleeps on the floor a few nights he will knock it off. Do you make him clean up his own mess? He should have to go in there and pick up the pieces of the stuffing, for sure. If you sit in there with him and hold a garbage bag and direct him to pick them up, I'm pretty sure he could.
What about some sort of joint counseling with the mother? Can you speak to the friend of the court and see if maybe they will order some kind of classes for you all to attend so you can tell her she is screwing with your life?
I wish I was more help. In reality if it were me I would probably pound a knot on that woman's head...and maybe one on Dh's for not being more assertive about the situation....lol.
Hope you get it worked out.
 Amy
jolene555 replied: well, the bright side to the situation is that once we have nathan here full time we can cut carol out COMPLETELY. she's the grandma and therefore has no rights to visitation - especially since she is completely screwing the child up! i've been told that that's cruel - to cut her off - that she's only trying to help and she is part of his life - blah blah blah. i know she hates me, and that's cool. she obviously knows that i think she's nuts. i was willing to stay open to the idea of letting her see nathan (oh, by the way, this is also georgia's grandma, but she has no desire to see her own grandchild if it shares my genes) until this weekend when he looked me in the eye and clear as day said "bi**h". yah, she's gone.
beckamouse replied: i'd send the mom away with a bootprint in her ass. but thats just me. dont let the username fool you *smile*
Celestrina replied:
That is not cruel at all. All that matters is the child, no matter how good her intentions. How does Barry feel about cutting his mother out?
Daisyx3 replied: Well its hard when hes with grandma all week and you on the weekends..
If he wakes up in the middle of the night I know he needs to stop this but because you only have him 2 days a week its hard to break the habits in 2 days. I think your fighting a loosing battle. If you have him all the time that would be different.
With saying that My oldest didnt sleep all night till 3yrs my youngest son didnt sleep all night till he was 4 and my dd sleeps all night from time to time..
I guess my answer is just get up with him unless you can get custody of him all the times.. I know with the daycare kids they wouldnt pee in their pants all day and then their parents wouldnt work with them so it was like a loosing battle. I'd get them on monday and start all over.
As for the eating they will eat when they want.
My 5 yr old rarely eats.
jolene555 replied: barry is almost 100% complience with cutting his mother out. he says that if she's gonna make the effort to get a car and drive the 45 minute drive to come and take him to a nearby park, that he's not gonna stop her. he's perfectly okay with cutting her out of his life, but not nathans - does that make sence??? all i know is we WILL NOT be driving to her just so she can see him - that's not an option.
gr33n3y3z replied:
Well insted of Barry making you out to be the wicked woman with his child I think he should be more involved in teaching the rules and helping you with this.
Its never to late to learn
kel replied: its a tough situation ...you sound really angry ..i dont blame you for it..but if you look at this from nathan's perspective ...i think there is no way you can expect him to change the way he is..yes,its because of the granny but the point is,thats his life..there is no way a 27 month old can understand why you are not comming to get him @ 2:30 am  ..if thats what he is used to then i think you should go in and at least comfort him for a bit (so that he knows you are there)..
i agree that tv for a 27 month old is terrible ...its concerning that he is left to his own devices..i have a 28 month old and she hardly eats..(not for lack of me trying though) its a toddler thing..
i really feel sorry for the little boy..this is all he knows..
Boys r us replied: I'm going to be honest...and I hope I don't come across as rude or as flaming you because that's not my intention at all.
#1 I think that no matter how annoying the child is, he's just that he's a child..before you can establish the rules of the house, he needs to be shown a tremendous amount of love from you and Barry ..b/c it sounds like his whole world is being shaken up..you know switching back and forth between homes where one house he rules the roost and the other house he's being shown matter of factly that he does not!
#2 It sounds like you're kinda bitter about all of this..and I guess my mind wonders if this is a good environment for him either..again I don't mean to sound like I'm flaming you, but your post seemed a little insensitive to be talking about a 2 year old...a 13 yr old who can control themselves a little better..maybe...but a 2 year old who is behaving this way Jolene is acting out b/c there are things in his life that are causing it. A 2 yr old is not going to be angry unless there are factors in his life creating anger...and ripping his bed apart at 2am is a pretty sure fire indication of anger..that is not typical of a 2 yr old. Perhaps, when he wakes at 2am, you could love him and hold him for a few minutes and then put him back in his bed and explain to him that it is bed time and just do this consistently...he'll get the picture eventually.
BTW My two year old has a TV in his room..and I'm probably not the only one..the moron thing might have been a bit harsh 
JAYMESMOM replied: The waking up at 2:30 during the night is a bad habit but not one you can break in 2 days. Things like that take constant work every night until the habit is corrected. I would still go in and comfort the child when he wakes and explain to him that it is not time to get back and that you were going back to your bed and he needed to stay in his. It would also help if his father would do this with you. Then the child will see that you both are in agreement and that will make a difference to him. As far as the feeding goes - if they are hungry they will eat. Offer it to him for a set time and then take it away. Do not give snacks in between meals as this will defeat the purpose. After a few times - he will begin to eat. Children are smart and they push the limits to see what they can get away with and who they can do it with. As far as the stuffing from the mattress, if he pulls it out - throw it away don't put it back in - he is the one who has to sleep on it and soon it won't be comfy anymore.
How long till you get him full time? This will make an incredible difference but remember 1 step forward 2 steps back. Don't get frusturated if one day things are okay and the next there not. Reversing habits takes longer than setting up habits.
kel replied:
very well said..
agree 100 percent..
mom21kid2dogs replied:
You might want to double check with your legal counsel about the grandparent visitation issue. In Ohio, this would certainly NOT be the case, in fact, she would every right to contact with the child under the Grandparents Rights law. I *think* this legislation was Federal law, not state, because our law is based on an out of state case. Just sound like you don't need any more frustrations re: this.
It sounds more like a significant clash in parenting styles to me more than anything in this case, with a two year old caught in the middle. The things he is having the most difficult issues with~sleeping and eating~ are both attachment/nurturance issues. My experience is if you aren't willing to bend on these at least to some extent, you'll likely just see the rage behaviors continue and likely get worse. As for the sleeping, you might try reassuring him when he wakes up but not removing him from the bed, much like you would do a younger child. I once worked with a foster parent who was dealing with a similar sleep issue. She kept an extra blanket in the dryer and when the child cried in the night she started the dryer for a minute or so to warm up the blankie, gave it to the child and he went right back to sleep. He just needed some extra reassurance and a little extra "warmth" If you are having trouble connecting with this child on an emotional level, you might try a Theraplay certified therapist to help you get the attachment there going and help you feel like you can have some fun with this little guy.
Now let's talk Barry for a second. You share a child, right? Isn't it high time he learn about children since he has 2? With all the parenting resources out there today he really has no excuses. Not only will this help take the 'evil step mother" burden off you it will only help with both children. Most of us complete formal education and then training for our jobs, so really there are no excuses for not getting some "training" for the most important, longest lasting job he's ever going to have. I'm assuming from your post that you are involved in some type of litigation to secure custody of the stepson. If he secures custody of his son and something happens to you or your relationship, the burden of parenting this child will be his. Learning how to do this can only help his legal case and your relationship.  I think he's being pretty unfair to you in this case~making you the heavy in all this.
Hope you all find something that helps with your situation. Sounds like you are really stressed by it! 
ediep replied: i have to say I agree with Nichole (boysrus), that he is angry and he is pulling apart his mattress because he is angry. I also think that playing in his room with his things while he is a crib is a liitle harsh. My son is 2 1/2 and he wakes up during the night lately because he is cutting molars right now. I go in every night anywhere from 2-4 am and comfort him, rock him a little, give him a drink or more tylenol if he needs, put on a lullabye cd, and put him back to bed.
I think once you have him full time, it willbe easier, but is is going to take hima while to get used to everything you are doing.
Good Luck
Mommy2BAK replied:
I was thinking the same thing, I feel sorry for the poor 2 year old, it sounds like he needs to be shown first of all that he is loved.
And John and I plan on getting Blakely a TV soon, so she can watch her baby einstien videos.
jolene555 replied: just to clear a few things up, or to defend myself here . . . i have run my ideals past his panel of therapists, who all agree that i've got the right idea when it comes to certain things. he has these therapists (speech, occupational, physical, etc.) because dcfs (department of child and family services) saw that he has a significant delay partially due to the way he is being raised by carol. after all, they has overindulgence is the worst form of child abuse.
the logic is that we do not change the rules of our house (under which georgia is flurishing, by the way) for any reason. i can attempt to explain it in terms of daycare. when your child starts daycare they are somewhat forced to learn the new rules of the daycare. if nathan was going to a daycare, instead, he'd learn that the rules there were indeed differant. it was my understanding, and now backed up by these therapists, that we must be consistant with our rules now so that he can learn them effectively.
i am dealing with an awful lot with him. it took me a month to get him to understand "no" because he had never heard it before.
we've also sought out counsel who advised us that in illinois the grandparent has no rights. even if grandparents did have rights we have plenty of legal reasons why SHE should not.
i apologise for saying she was a moron for allowing him a tv in his bedroom. i apologise only for the word moron. i accept that this will just have to be a point of disaggreence. i believe that there is nothing more damaging to a child then to allow them unlimited access to a tv. there are untold links between tv and add, adhd, and basic hyperactivity. in our home there is one tv - in our bedroom - and the children are allowed to watch cartoons in there on saturday with their dad and sesame street each morning - that's it.
Mommy2BAK replied: Jo, I think we all understand that you are going through a rough time, and I also think that Barry should be doing all this, and not you. But one thing I do not understand is how this woman is such a "moron". She sounds to me like she loves on him a lot, ex. she spoon feeds him, gets up in the middle of the night to hold him b/c she thinks he is hurt, and she doesn't tell him no, she lets him have everything, lets him have his own tv it sounds to me like she spoils him, but definately not that she is a "moron". But for some reason it made me really sad when I read about how he was crying b/c he wanted out of bed and then he pulled off all the sheets and tore a hole in the mattress... and then you bring Georgia in there and yall play with his toys with him still in the crib, thats kind of sad to me.
kel replied: hey! no need to defend yourself..
.i just think that he is giving you signs that he wants/needs more comfort and the mattress thing is just a huge cry for love and comfort..
forgive me for saying this (im not judging you) but i think that the reason for everyone responding the way they have is because of your lack of warmth whilst speaking about him..you havent mentioned any of his positive attributes and i guess for me it just makes me feel a bit sorry for him..
as for the tv thing..i totally agree everything in moderation..i wouldnt put a tv in kira's bedroom if you paid me..she does watch tv but in moderation...
JAYMESMOM replied:
I agree with you totally and completely. At 2 1/2 - kids can't tell you how they feel since they don't know how they are feeling. So they respond to their feelings in the only way they know how. Unfortunately that is the only way he has learned how to get his way. It is not his fault but his grandmothers.
CCTandME replied: I understand it can be hard to love someone elses kid, especially after having your own. With my boyfriends kids(much older then you SS) I never pushed myself on them. I never acted like I was their mom or wanted to replace her. I accepted when they got mad at me(not that I liked it). We have had our ups and downs in the past 8 years, but I always from day 1 told my BF that his kids come 1st. I expect that. If they didn't want me around when they came for visits, I would respect that. They need the time w/ their father and I would never want to come between that. For the most part we all got along fine. I have done ALOT for them over the years.
As far as everyone saying he is only 2.5. I see their side, but I can also see yours. I have a friend who has 2 VERY annoying children w/ absolutely NO discipline. One is almost 3 now, the other is 5. Very out of control. Nobody wants to be around them. I ahte to say it, but I cringe at the sight of them.
If their is any possible way for you to get alone time w/ him, do it. TRY to build a relationship. It won't happen over night, but he is young enough that w/ patience,
guidance, understanding, discipline and most importantly LOVE, he can grow to be a good kid.
Good luck! You have a ton do deal with.
jolene555 replied: one of the problems that the therapy is addressing with nathan is the lack of emotion he shows. even with carol nathan has no interest in hugging, cuddling, or even making eye contact. i even suspect that this supposed "holding him" at 2:30 in the morning is much more than her going in his room to turn on his tv.
for the record, barry is helping out a great deal. he simply looks to me to set the rules and how to go about enforcing them.
and it seems like the general opinion that i am too cold when it comes to nathan. and as for him not getting enough love - of course he's not going to get the same kind of "love" here as at carol's. he has her full and undivided attention 24/7. no one seems to have commented that he might be showing this emotion simply because things are changing, which they are. it MUST BE that i'm just being cold and unloving.
before anyone wants to comment furthor on what i am doing wrong, understand that i am doing the best i can, and what i believe to be the absulute best for him. you might disagree, but i am the only one stepping up for the job. remember that not only am i looking out for nathan, but georgia as well.
ammommy replied: I know that it seems that everyone is coming down hard, but I really think that they are just giving an outsider's impression of the situation. Yes, you are doing the best you can and good for you for wanting to help this little boy.
The daycare comparison is a good one, but remember that it can take months for a young child to adjust to two sets of rules. This poor little guy has to feel the tension in the situation both at your house and at Carol's. It's affecting him, he just can't tell anyone how. That was not a slam on you, this is a stressful situation and I'm sure everyone is having a hard time dealing with it.
As for enforcing the rules, I'd choose one thing to work on first. It sounds like sleeping is the big one. Ripping apart the mattress is a health hazard, so that has to stop. Let him know that if it happens again, he will lose the mattress and will have to sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor (for example). When he starts crying, go in to reassure him, or better yet send in his dad, tell him it's time for bed. Say goodnight and leave. Let him fuss for about 5-10 minutes and repeat. Let him cry for another 10-15 minutes and repeat, but tell him that it's the last time you are coming in. After a few nights of this routine, you'll probably see an improvement.
You have got to get Barry involved, if for no other reason than to save your sanity. Looking to you for guidance is great, but he has to help be the enforcer, too.
CCTandME replied: http://www.saafamilies.org
or google stepmoms or stepparents
many people in similar situations can help you.
jolene555 replied: i just realized that i omitted an important piece of information. georgia and nathan share a bedroom. yah - we're too poor for a 3 br home. anyhow, this is why he NEEDS to stop crying in the night. i haven't got the luxury of letting him cry for 15 minutes and comforting him - i have another child trying to sleep.
i will add that allowing him to cry is not unheard of. i mean, hell, super nanny does it all the time. you lay them down - no eye contact, no talking, and let them cry.
and i cannot just do one thing at a time. how can i expect him to understand that he is not allowed to run in the house if i allow him to run for weeks before that???
gr33n3y3z replied: I think your beating yourself up to much about this
Just go with the flow and things will work out in due time
things wont change over night it could be months
Just hang in there
Boys r us replied: Sometimes love itself is the best discipline! and if none of the current approaches seem to be working, which apparently they are not..or you wouldn't be so frustrated, then what harm could come from trying some of our suggestions?
He's only 2, his behavior can be changed, but are you sure this is something you are ready to take on full-time? Perhaps family counseling would be a good thing for you guys..it seems like there could be some resentment issues going on from all sides involved!
mom21kid2dogs replied: It seems as though he has a multi disciplinary team of specialists working with the situation at this point~would one of them be able to answer your questions regarding his issues? They would be in a much better position to field this as they would know his diagnosis, scope of the issues and both sides of the coin in terms of the parenting. A resource you might be interested in is a great book called "Parenting the Hurt Child" by Greg Keck and Regina Kupecky. I bet you could get a copy inexpensively at half.com. I would also suspect that the library or DFCS would have a copy to lend if you don't want to purchase it.
Since DFCS is involved you might check out the possibility of getting a parent mentor. The agency I worked for had two on staff (mid sized county agency). They worked with custodial and non custodial cases~kinda in a "super nanny" capacity~they worked with parents to solve specific behavior and parenting problems. Short of that, you might investigate the existience of a support group for step parents.
Your subsequent posts had me very confused, though. The behavior Nathan displays sounds much more typical of a chronically neglectetd child, not an overindulged one.
Sorry you didn't get what you were looking for in the answers/support. I'm sure it's a complicated situation. As CCT and me said well in her post that it's quite a challenge to parent other people's child even in the best of situations and this seems far from the best of situations.
JAYMESMOM replied: I know it is hard to parent another person's child - I have a step-son who was 3 when my husband and I got together. His mother's rules are different from the rules we have set up but over time he realized that these were our rules. I understand your SS is younger but try to reward him for what he does do good. Sometimes they just want attention - they don't care wether it be bad or good. One alternative would be to setting up a cot on your floor for him to sleep. He may just feel isolated from his father and you. I know we did this and gradually moved him to his room. As for only doing one thing - pick the thing you want to work on the most and concentrate solely on that. It doesn't mean you let the other things go. Just focus your main attention on the 1 thing. Then you will feel like you have a focus. I know it can be tough there are also other reward systems that work well for kids that age. If you want to PM me I would be willing to give information but with only one arm to type with for now is kinda hard to keep going.
Don't give up!!
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