how do we be "everything"... - (crazy rambling.. read at your own risk)

kimberley wrote: without going mental? the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the strong independent, educated woman who is in touch with her sexuality? the soft touch that heals all wounds? the peacemaker? the shopper, the financer, the dishwasher and toilet scrubber? the chef, the nurse... where does the list end? where does sanity begin?

i guess i am just blah today. having a pity party, wanna come? i want to be a great mom and wife but i can't help overcome these immature feelings of resentment and neglect. everyone's needs/wants/dreams come before me, which is fine most of the time, but some days you just want to feel special... like you really matter. like what you say or do makes a difference to SOMEBODY! i love DH and the kids with all my heart but there are brief moments that i just want to be more than a mom and wife. my job is on the outs again so i haven't worked in a couple of weeks, nor have i gone out because we are insanely broke. it snowed here today and my moods are totally affected by weather (gee.. don't i live in the wrong place!). DH went back to work today. not because his back is better but because we are broke. i know he didn't want to and feel like it is my fault because i am not working. i have offered to get a job doing midnights but he is not keen on having the baby 8hrs at night without me. i can't get a day job with 3 kids because i don't have the skills to generate an income that will cover daycare. i guess i feel inadequate. it really sucks.

MomToMany replied: I feel the same way sometimes. It seems like everyone else comes first, and whenever I want to do something, there's no time or money for it.

Take today for example. I was going to go pick up the boys from their dad's by myself (well, with Hannah & Kayla too), and go shopping by myself. But DH threw his back out and wanted to go to the chiropractor, which was fine. But that took the whole morning. We left at 9:30 this morning, and didn't get home til 3:00. It seems like whenever he comes with, it takes twice as long to get everything done, probably because we had to stop for lunch (which I hate doing because it costs so much for all of us).

UGH! It would be nice to get a "thank you" or "I appreciate all you do" once in awhile. I bet if DH had all the kids for a day he'd say it more often. But with 2 nursing still, it will be a long time before he has the pleasure of experiencing that. Plus, they'd be perfect angels for him .

We're here for you Kimberley! I'm sorry you are feeling that way!

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Oh sweetie. You certainly aren't alone in your feelings. A lot of times I feel this way, too. I know deep down DH appreciates me, but he acts as if I have all the time in the world to take care of things. It is very difficult and he doesn't understand. He isn't good at showing appreciation, but he is really good at complaining.

I'm sorry you are down. I hope you pull out of your slump soon. Just know you do a lot for me on this board and I appreciate you always being here for me.

booey2 replied: Giant, big hugs coming your way. This is real erie but I almost started to write almost the same stuff you did. I am in a big slump right now too. Hang in there it will get better.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: Kimberley I think we have all felt what you are feeling at some time! I know being a mom is an overwhelming responsibility at times and it's normal to feel the way you are feeling! I'm glad you vented, I hope it made you feel better! Sending lots and lots of (((HUGS))) Your way! Why don't you put the kids to bed, make yourself a nice cup of hotchocolate or tea and take an extra long bubble bath!

A&A'smommy replied: ugh I know how you feel its VERY difficult sometimes... I know it must be harder on you because you have THREE kids and I only have one who is still young. When I get to feeling that way I just go to walmart even if I don't spend ANY money at all I go for a short ride or walk. I'm sorry your feeling this way right now (((((BIG HUGS))))

darrylswifeskylersmom replied: aww hun im sorry your down and I think we all have our days when we want time for us.. doesnt work out most of the time(kids get sick, hubby works late, no money)....i hope u feel better soon... and I appreciate all u have dont with siggys and support on this board God Bless hope u feel better!

Boys r us replied: Aww hun! You're so not alone!!! I know, as women we tend to EXPECT OURSELVES to be the perfect mother and the perfect wife and sometimes the women we were before marriage and kids gets lost somewhere in the shuffle!
I think at times we set higher standards for ourselves than the husband and kids actually expect out of us!

(((HUGS))) Tomorrow is a new day! Just remember often times appreciation goes unsaid, unfortunately.. But the next time Jade gives you a big slobbery kiss or one of the boys tells you they love you or DH gives you THAT look..just know, that to them, that IS telling you that they love and appreciate you!!

ediep replied: ((((HUGS))))) Kimberely, I know how you are feeling, I thinkw e all have those days.

I hope you feel better tomorrow

mrshires replied: If I left my house to my husband's and kid's standards I'm living in filth. I tried to get my husband to help more, and he said he would. It didn't happen. Not because of laziness or anything, just a complete lack of realizing what planet he's on. So I told him I would only clean when he helped me. So last weekend when his mother told him she didn't want to come over because of the state of our house, then he thought we needed to clean all day Saturday. (I'm m/s and also a back injury from an auto accident is back w/ no explanation.) Now he gets that it's unacceptable, so I need to clean more. He "can't make himself work." So he says. He works at work, but that's b/c we work in a call center and are babysat. (If he needs a day off of work, I send him the email requesting it, and he copies and pastes it into an email to scheduling. Or he doesn't take the day off, and I get to explain why)

I blame it all on my MIL

So I can be supermom, or get a divorce Now where do we get the costume?

Amanda

That vent out, I do love my hubby and he does wonderful things for me. Just in some ways, he's 3 and always will be. Sometimes that's very very hard to take. But it's worth it for all the great things

mummy2girls replied: Oh sweetie I know what you mean! I feel that way all the time. and i only wish i would hear thank you shelly from aron. and your doing agreat job with jenna but i dont. It takes him having jenna all day to realize what i go through everyday. But it lasts about a week and then he is back to not appreciating what i do. Its hard sometimes. So i feel for you!!!!!!

((((HUGS)))))

maestra replied: I can relate! I know that there are nights when all dh does is play with Jaci, watch tv, and play his new game. (She has her days and nights reversed AGAIN!) I however, get up after like 4.5 hours sleep, go to work, get home, cook dinner, then do however many loads of laundry. Can dh get those put away? NO! WTF!

Some days I just give up, or refuse to do the things that he hasn't done yet. When my mom came to watch Jaci for us on Friday, she actually spent time cleaning my kitchen. That made me feel bad, but I told her, I'm not doing it. I told him to get it done Thursday night, and he didn't do it.

He was good last night, and got everything cleaned up like I asked him to, but it's rare.

And on top of that, I still have to come home and work on more school stuff. Because I know if I don't, people will give me that "Oh, you have kids" pitty thing and not view me as a colleague.

So, I'm there with you.

Calgon, take me away!

P.s.- forget sexuality in this house- at 8 months preg, dh is just praying for it, he doesn't even expect it anymore.

kimberley replied: you guys are the best. THANK YOU! for the laughs, the hugs and the words of encouragement. i am already feeling better. i got some laundry done and tidied the living room and Jade's room so i feel a little more productive. Nichole, your post made me teary because it is so easy to miss those signs of love. i get hung up on hearing words when the answers are already there. thanks for the reminder

MommyToAshley replied: Sorry I am a little late, glad you are feeling better.

But, can I join the pity party? I need to vent too. Today was one of those days for me. I feel like all I do is clean house, work (business), take care of Ashley, cook meals, laundry, clean some more, and then it starts all over the next day. My DH does help a lot, and I still feel like this!

Ashley was just being a little bugger all day for some reason, and I had reached my limit by bedtime. She kept taking her PJ's off and deciding that she needed to wear a different pair. After she took the 4th pair off for the third time, thirty minutes past her bedtime, I felt myself getting pretty flustered. SO...... I brought out the tickle monster. We just sat there and tickled each other and laughed. Oh, what a stress reliever the tickle monster is!!! Then she gave me a big kiss, and teddy bear hug (that's what she calls it), said "I love you Mommy, Good Night" and went to sleep. Looking back at the day, the end of my day made the headaches from the rest of my day so worthwhile!

gr33n3y3z replied: Oh I still feel those days a lot ...... Ed is always working and with 4 kids mind you OLD ENOUGH to clean up after themselves do their own laundry.... do they do it? Nope the maid will do it and that is me. After awhile I get so mad I stand in the living room and say If you dont get in here and clean it Its going in the trash clothes, games and all. they move than. But most days its like beating my head into the wall.
This is the biggest thing When Ed is home they still mommy me to death can I do this or that have this or that, good Lord I say ask your father LOL
I hate to say this my kids are 11,15,17.20 maybe you can make some changes so you do not have to deal with this when your kids are this age

Kaitlin'smom replied: I will join you to. I dont even think I can put into words my feelings as they are in such conflict.

kit_kats_mom replied: I totally know what you mean. When I got the opportunity to WAH, I jumped at it and told DH that with the pay cut, I'd take on all household responsibilites and stuff. DOH!!! That was really stupid.

TwoBoys replied: I feel that way sometimes too.
The other day my son (almost 5) wanted to view an ecard that was sent from his out of town grandma. It was a fun one that he could design a Halloween pumpkin online. As i was trying to get the computer set up for him and connected, etc. he kept getting in my way, bumping the keyboard and mouse, jumping all around, bumping me and everything else........I was in the middle of about ten other things at the time so I was getting very irritated. I was just about to loose control and start yelling when he said "Thank you Mommy, you're the best!" Oh my gosh- all I could think then was he is the sweetest little boy on earth!!!!!!! Sometimes they come up with just the right thing to say at just the right time!!!!

DansMom replied: Oh yes, do I ever sympathize!!

TANNER'S MOM replied: I wanna join the pity party!
I feel the same thing as you all do. I have four kids and way to many animals. Plus I live over an hour to school and work one way. So each morning I get up 4 or 5 to get breakfast, bath, ready for work..help my husband feed the animals and hay everybody..come back in get the kids up and feed them. Then send the two oldest outside to feed the dogs and chickens, while everyone else is still draggin butt. Then off to school and work. But in my 8hrs..drive as fast as I can to the babysitter, can't be late can't afford the 1.00 a min u know. Then stop at the store someone always needs something. Get home by 5:30 or 6..start supper..start kids on homework while cooking. Finish homework get kids to set table while Dad and I go out and get the tractors running and start feeding again. Come in and eat...ooo and finally get to sit down. Then a few loads of laundry and dinner dishes..THen bath time and good nite everyone. Sorry honey not to nite..Yes I know i have said that for the past week..yes I do love you....BUt i can't even hold my eyes open! I love yooooooooooo zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

This is a day in my life. I wanna do wife swap.

TwoBoys replied: Cute poem I found:
A Parent's Prayer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now I lay me down to sleep,
i pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
i'm pretty sure i'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

to cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(oh no, another goldfish- dead!)
some silent moments for goodness sake
(did I just hear a window break?)
and that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, i've got the right to dream)

yes now I lay me down to sleep,
i pray my wits about me keep,
but as I look around I know--
i must have lost them long ago!

Author unknown

jcc64 replied: Lots of good advice already posted. I guess my 2 cents is that you should never strive to be the perfect mother, wife, employee, seductress, community volunteer, nurse, etc....
It's not possible, ever, and we all get into trouble trying to get there. When I get into that overwhelmed by life mode, I simply practice damage control. Do what you have to do to get through the day. Scrubbing the toilet can wait, the kids can watch a little more t.v. than you'd like, eat take out, dh can get laid tomorrow, if it can wait, let it wait, it'll still be there in the morning.
Sorry you're having a down day. Take solace in the fact that you have lots of company here and the potential is always there for tomorrow to be better.

kimberley replied: LOL you guys crack me up! thanks for the support and sharing in my pity party. it is nice to know i am not alone or truly crazy

kit_kats_mom replied: ITA with Jeanne (again ). Also, one thing that I read in Dr. Phils book that really spoke to me was that we all have our masks that we show others and then our real life. We just have to keep in mind that others have their masks too and even though their outward mask may seem more "together" than ours at the time, it in no way is an accurate reflection of what is really going on.

As a mom who is constantly comparing myself to others, that really spoke to me.

Now when I catch myself glancing enviously at the mom with the nice SUV, well dressed kids and perfectly coiffed hair, instead of automatically thinking "man, I wish I had time to do my hair like that, she sure does look nice while I'm sitting here looking like a troll". I remember that I do have the time, I just choose to spend it differently, with my baby or in in bed getting sleep so I can be a better mom.

We just really need to try and be grateful for what we have. It can get overwhelming though.