how to raise self esteem?

kimberley wrote: i am definitely calling all the dads and btdt moms on the board for this one. DH has been kind of down because of his awful work situation (they threatened to fire him if he took a pt job with a trucking co, heavy lifting killing his back, treating him like crap) and our financial problems and has issues about being the "provider". in my eyes, he IS the greatest provider... emotionally he is there for all of us. it is not his fault his job pays crap and i haven't been able to find steady work opposite to his hours so we don't have to pay for child care. he is out there every day looking for a new and better job and there is nothing! i would like to do or say something that will make him know how much we appreciate him and know that his value in this family is priceless. any suggestions? tia.

Kaitlin'smom replied: well I have not been there myself, but a friend has her DH was fired from a job for basically not sucking up. so he was fired, now she does not workout side the home, they have 3 kids so she cares for them. Well after getting fired or I think they called it 'laied off' or something however it worked he was not eligable for unemployement. needless to say things were real down for them, they even had to file bankrupcey he was looking alto going on interviews almost dailey but was finding NOTHING in this area, or even close. He did just get a job with Ford but its 1 1/2 hours away, it was such good money that he took it and now they are moving about 1 hour from where they are now so he will be closer. It took a while but he did find something....has Jamie look just outside the area, or even further? I know moving stinks but have you considered it? I am sorry this is probably not much help. Jobs are down right now, i have had several people tell me there is nothing out there. I hope he finds something soon, and if your looking you find something also. Also being a provider is not all about money, most men think it is about how much he brings home. just keep telling him how much you love him, and it dose not matter who provides the most money, emotional is much more important.

kit_kats_mom replied: I agree with Dianne. Is there a possibility of you guys moving? What kind of work does he do? When Woody lost his job, it was really hard on him. It took 3 mos for him to find something and we had to move. I'll check with him to see if he has any suggestions too though. The best part about moving is that we moved away from his (rich) friends and we have been able to bank lots of money because we aren't going out to eat all the time and trying to keep up with their spending. Nice side benefit.

While he was unemployed, I just made a point of saying something nice every day about how much K and I enjoyed having him around. Men (and many women too) see their value in how much of a check they bring home but that's not at all what it's about...at least not to me. I'm sorry that he's having a hard time of it right now.

Can you raise the rent on your ex?

kimberley replied:
moving would not be a good idea for us at all. that would mean i lose my PT job and all the support that took me years to build AND because of all the problems Jacob has had/ is having with school, it would be extremely detrimental to his education to take him to yet another school when it took so long for him to be comfortable and get support in the one he is in.

as for the ex... HAAAAAAA! he complains already that he pays too much and at this point, i don't want to rock the boat and get nothing from him. he is giving me $400/mo for child support and $400/mo for rent... poor guy eh? he owns his own bar, has a nice audi, top of the line electronics.. but he pays me too much

favre4fan replied: Soory to hear you are going through such a rough patch. I say their is nothing more powerful than words, just reinforce to him everyday how much you love him, what he means to you and the children,support him through this anyway u can. Which it sounds like to me u are!!

kit_kats_mom replied: I asked DH and he said that if you can, get him something that he likes.

Apparently I've done this in the past, even when we didn't really have enough $. I seriously don't remember this but it's possible. LOL

Guess I bought him a computer game or something and he returned because he knew we couldn't afford it (didn't tell me that part) it but the fact that I went and got it meant a lot to him.

If not, maybe a "daddy's morning off" or something. Around here, alone time is rare and it's the best gift we can give each other. Just let him know that you are doing it because you appreciate him so much.

redchief replied: I'd like a little more info before I soundly place my foot in my mouth.

First, what does he do in his current job?

Second, what would he like to do if he had a choice?

Finally, what's stopping him from getting the job he wants?

momof2girls replied: That is tough, money is not at all everything but it sure makes things stressful when its tight!

I think there have been good suggestions here
maybe leave him a note in his car or somewhere he will find it, just telling him how much you love him and appreciate him....

jolene555 replied: oh my god - i am in the same position. barry has been actively searching for a job for months. the economy just isn't there! he's going to an interview on monday for a job paying $8 and hour - a major blow to his self esteem. we just cannot survive on that. the jobs are not out there, especially in computers (barry's field), and now that those jobs are clearing out so are the lower paying ones. it's a terrible time to need work.

i try to give him plenty of time alone. i go visit my folks with georgia and give him the whole day to play. i'll give him a big old hug when i get home, and we show him georgia's new tricks. i have been teaching her to say "dada" and "big hug" and give him kisses. he loves that. i leave him little love notes wherever he is during the day with things that are uplifting and reassuring. i help him look for jobs, and i hand out his cards at the grocery store, wal mart, wherever i go. just let him know that you are not giving up on him.

MommyToAshley replied: That's tough. The only think I can think of is to remind him of how much he does contribute to the family and that money isn't everything. I would remind him of his skills and talents that he does have to offer, it's not his fault the economy sucks and he can't find a job. Be sure to remind him of that before he interviews as well... confidence is something employers can pick up on in an interview. He needs to believe in himself in order for anyone else to believe in him.

We all know what a great guy Jamie is, I am sorry things are rough now. Tell him to hang in there, he'll find something soon.

kimberley replied:
u never put your foot in your mouth i enjoy your posts... words of wisdom!

he is currently a licensed fork lift operator in a crappy warehouse.
if he had the choice, he would be starting his auto mechanic apprenticeship now.
he can't start it yet because he needs to get his equivalency of gr 12 and we just don't have the $$ for him to pay for the apprenticeship AND take a pay cut as an apprentice. (they only make about $9/hr). he has been looking into other warehouse jobs, but they are all paying about $9-12/hr which we cannot live on.
i try to remind him that this job is just a stepping stone to where he is going but it is hard to accept when you have a boss and co-workers that treat you like absolute garbage and you are damaging yourself physically. he has serious back problems right now. i need to win the lotto.

kimberley replied: thanks everyone for your input and words of support and encouragement. i will try some of your suggestions (although they won't be a surprise since DH read this thread lol).