interesting articles. - should spark some discussions

kit_kats_mom wrote: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6959880/site/newsweek/

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6960732/site/newsweek/

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6960127/site/newsweek/

ediep replied: I read that artical earlier today. I am interested in reading the book

Boys r us replied: I read about half way through it, I'll finish it tomorrow..very intersting and I have to say, I really couldn't agree with her more!

MomToMany replied: That is really interesting! And so true. Our modern mothering has turned into competitons. It's so sad. I believe kids need to be kids. They NEED to make mistakes, and some of those moms can't deal with not having the perfect child. I think people need to relax and just enjoy their kids!

gr33n3y3z replied: I agree with MomToMany


There is a difference between loving your child and smothering them.

jdkjd replied: I can now not feel guilty for not planning every second of our weekends....

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
ITA!! Very well said!

TANNER'S MOM replied: I read this yesterday from work. And I was interested in the book. I am a working mom who loves being a working and feels guilty for loving it. I have heard SAHM say they feel like working moms look down on them..I feel the opposite sometimes.

I pay alot of lip service to saying I want to be a SAHM mom, and I know that I have missed out on alot of things. I have never been to a class party, I regret that alot, and I am fixing to change that. But I also know that I am not a nice person when I stay home. I get cabin fever, and I became hateful. I was laid off a few years ago. And I stayed home for the first time since Tanner was born, he was 5 fixing to go to Kindergarten and I wanted to bond with him before the big bad school took him away. But to be honest that summer almost ruined my marriage. I didn't feel I like I was doing anything for my family. I felt like I had no say in money etc b/c I wasn't being a breed winner. I was hateful and bored.

I have a lot of respect for SAHM's b/c I couldn't do it. And I feel so bad b/c I don't want to do it. My DH and I have talked about me staying home and taking care of the farm, and being there when the kids get home. I CANT DO IT. I feel bad for saying that. I love my kids, I love every minute I spend with them. ANd when I am home I am home. No work talk, cell phone calls etc..

Am I the worse mom in the world???

Boys r us replied: No you're not a bad mom, you're like me!!!

You are a mom who knows her boundries! I don't claim to be a supermom, I know I'm not..but honestly, all I really want to be is a good mom..one who loves her kids and spends good quality time with them and takes good care of them! Mel, there are so many moms who are sahm and spend all day on the internet(this is not a bust at anyone on here) sure they may be there with their kid..but I can assure you that I'm spending more QUALITY time with my child than those mothers. When I come home in the afternoon, we have a rule..nothing but kids!
That's why unless it's late at night, I don't get on here and post from home at night, there are no chores to be done that can't wait until after the kids go to bed..the only thing I do is cook dinner which 9 times out of 10 they are helping me with and we make it a family thing. The time I spend away from them allows me to being ME and have my own life and not forget who I was before I became a mother which is so important to me, not to lose my identity as so many mothers do. It keeps me sane so that when I go home to them , I'm happy and excited to see them and just spend time with them. We would have no problems financially with me staying home, the only problem we would have is a very unhappy mother and when mom ain't happy ain't nobody happy..right?
I can't do it, I have to be on the go, I have to stay in touch with the real world, I have to accomplish something and I have to make something of my life so that when my kids are in high school and aren't particulary fond of hanging out with mom and dad, or are too busy at football practice or what have you, I won't sit there and wonder, where did my life go..? I have nothing now! no way..I want to have the best of both worlds and not to try and place myself above anyone in any other situations, I do! I do have the best of both worlds, I am a mommy and I am nichole. I get up every morning and get the kids up and we kiss and play around for a little while, then it's daddy's turn to take over until it's time for him to leave for work, then I get home between 3:30 and 4 and we play, we go to the grocery store together, cook together..whatever needs to be done, we do. But we do it together..our afternoon/evenings are so happy..and my kids are happy and flourishing in every way possible! After the kids go to bed, Rick and I pitch in together and get the house picked up and the dishwasher loaded and then it's husband and wife time, we usually watch a movie together, then go to bed.

To be honest, I couldn't really ask for a better life, for me personally! I wish that all mommies could find a happy balance between being a mom and being themself..whether that means working or staying, it doesn't matter..as long as they never lose sight of the things that make them who they are!

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
Nichole you are SO right! I know so many SAHM who lose sight of who they are and just b/c they are at home with their kids, that doesn't mean they are spending time with them. I know a lot of times I get burnt out b/c I'm with the kids so much and I honestly WANT time away from them so I can appreciate them more and appreciate the time we have together. I don't want to return to work b/c it would be a hardship on us and I love staying home. But, I totally see what you are saying and it is all so true. I am constantly working on a happy balance with my family and I think you need to do that whether you are an at home mom or at work mom.

kit_kats_mom replied: I am in the unique position of being able to work from home and be a SAHM but it's still not easy. I go nutso when both kids are home. My only real goal is to stay at home for the first year with them then I send them off to daycare. K is now in daycare full time and while I feel a bit odd dropping her off every morning to head home to tend to Lauren and work, I know it's saving my sanity. I could have both of them at home with me but OMG, I'd never get any work done and I'd be an evil woman. I just run out of patience and I need my work to keep me sane.

That said, on days when my cup runneth over with energy, I will pick K up early and we will do something fun...just us girls. I love having that flexibility. KWIM? I really have the best of both worlds.

I do feel myself slipping into the trap that is described in the first article although I really think I'm more of the slacker mom. LOL My mom was a good enough mom but that was because she had so few resources. I am overloaded with resources which makes me feel like I should always be doing more. Luckily, I'm also somewhat lazy so that keeps me in check. LOL

I want my kids to have everything I didn't have but looking at K's playroom that is stuffed with toys that she rarely plays with, I see that she would be fine with the paltry stash of toys that I had growing up. Fact is, I turned out ok and so will they as long as I have the love of a mom to drown them with. The only thing that I will make sure they have that I never did is good clothes. I seriously still remember the taunting of my classmates over my second hand clothes and K mart shoes. Kids are so mean.

I do try to arrange a "family fun day" on saturdays but that is more for bonding and about building memories, than about keeping up with the Joneses. Sometimes we go to the park, sometimes we just stay home and watch videos all day and paint outside...as long as we are together and having fun, that's what matters.

JJJ replied: [SIZE=7] I have to say after being a SAHM for almost 2 yrs I did lose myself a little, I forgot that there was life out there. I now work p/t in the evenings and it has done wonders!! I dont think I could leave her all day, and I know I could never put her in daycare, but I have never looked down on parents that do.
I believe that I am in no position to judge others, although sometimmes I do (in cases of abuse or neglect) I know I am navigating my way thru this life as best as I can and I really dont think my purpose is to tell people how to be like me.

I just wish my relatives came from the same way of thinking!! lol

mom21kid2dogs replied: I've only had time to read the first article. Some of it I could totally relate to and some of it is true for other moms I know and I find it so sad. As a mom, I've done it all. I was a professional in a career I am passionate about for 22 years. After Olivia was born, I took a 6 moth maternity leave. I went back to work full time for the next 18 mo then quit. I had great childcare providers but they both quit. Knowing what I know about children and attachment~I was done with all of it. Ironically, I've never looked back! I loved and still love being my child's mother! I was so saddened by the part of the article that said a large # of SAHM liken staying at home with their children to other mundane tasks like cleaning and laundry. Is that really true? Do people really feel like that? I totally couldn't relate to that and don't know any SAHM personally who does feel like that. It almost made me cry both for the kids and their moms!

I really understood her feelings exactally as a working mom, only I was not falling asleep at my desk (the benefit of a crisis oriented profession, I guess!!) but I did fall asleep at the wheel almost every night driving home from work. I was terrified I might kill someone. The load of working full time and trying to spend time with my daughter was impossible. My husband was so far in the background I never even knew if he was around, poor guy! Yet, I had much more time for "me" while I worked. I went to the gym everyday at lunch. I shopped on my way home from work without my child (oh what a joy that was!) I just felt that when I was working and trying to be a mom that no one was winning. I didn't like my mothering and I wasn't the employee I formerly was.

It is fashionable to be a typecast parent today, isn't it? People will as you are you attachment parenting, love and logic parenting, positive parenting? It's like all parents have to read all the books and be "the" mother not "a" mother. What an impossible standard we set for ourselves. I see some good in lots of parenting books but I've always felt like being a mommy means learning lots of tricks to put in your mommy bag then tailoring your parenting to the CHILD not a specific standard as outlined by Sears or Dobson or Cline/Fay. Otherwise, one ceratinly sets themselves up for almost certain failure as a parent. Children aren't like candy~they don't come from a mold! I really despise all the one size fits all parenting shows/resources that are out there now for that reason. In the end, they make many parents feel as though they are failures because your kid isn't potty trained at 2 or can recite the alphabet by 1.5. Parenting is not a science because science is an exacting thing. Sadly, we do live in a culture where we harshly judge and make judgements of others, oftentimes based on little knowledge or fact. Mothers, in both my personal and professional life, have always seemed to be very big offenders of this one! I couldn't believe some of the judgements I heard from other mothers when I used to run adoptive parent support groups. I thought it was a professional issue (adoptive parents feeling held to a higher standard thing) until I became a mother. It's MOTHER thing. Try telling someone you aren't sending your child to preschool and will homeschool Kindergarten if it only an "all day" option~people look at me like I have 3 heads!! LOL!

I really liked her points of change at the end of the article. I would love a preschool program that was setup on a "drop in" framework (like in France) where I could let Olivia attend when it fit best for us. If that was the case here, I would enroll her in that in a heartbeat. As it is now, we are skipping "formal" preschool because we are way too busy having fun to cut out 3 days every week for school. Yet, she is light years ahead of her peers developmentally in almost every area. It would be great if there were some real "supports" for families so they could choose to stay home if they wanted~like medical insurance. I thought all her end points were valid.

Thank you for the links, Kit Kat's Mom! I found the article I read very thought provoking! I printed it out for my sister to read. God bless her little heart~she works 2 jobs (was working 3 last year) and has 2 kids under 2.

My2Beauties replied: Not only do I work because I really don't have a choice (we would be completely flat broke if I didn't ) but I would lose my sanity if I had to stay at home all day with a toddler! When I was on maternity leave I remember sitting there crying because I missed adult conversations, I was too sore and tired to clean my house or cook, even though I was home all day nothing got done! I felt inadequate, like a terrible mom, and a failure! This just happened in 6 weeks I can't imagine what would happen if I did this every day! I have to have adult conversation, I have to get out of the house or I go completely crazy! I make it a point, Brian and I, make it a point to go out with our friends and do stuff, whether it's getting a bunch of people together on a friday night to go bowling or to a club, or getting a few of us together to go out to eat...without children! I think it's very important to have your own life aside from your parental life I think a lot of women get caught up in raising their children and they want to be this super-mom and they become overwhelmed! I am a lax mommy I guess you could say! We sit around at night, eat, watch the boob tube, joke around, laugh, play, take our baths, and go to bed! It's wonderful! Desiree plays softball in the summer time so she does have a way to release her enormous amount of energy but she has practice once a week and one game on the weekend, I think this is wonderful for her! We don't try to get her to go from softball, to soccer, to ballet, to gymnastics...etc...it's one thing at a time! If Desiree wants to get into gymnastics then she does so in the winter outside of softball so she has one thing to focus on and not a trillion things and we aren't spending the entire day in the car running from practice to practice!!! Desiree's softball coach, her children play softball, soccer, field hockey and every other sport you could imagine....they come from one socccer game to a softball game and they are just absolutely so tired I don't see how they do it! I think they need time to play and be kids!!!!!!! Just my 2 cents

loveydad replied: well i'm trying to sort that out to see if I'm offended or nto. LMAO

You know what, i'm home with the kids all ...freaking...day....LONG. That's 24 hours a day 7 days a week 30-31 days a month and 12 months a year. 120 months a decade. (LoL).

And sometimes (in the evening) I get online fo ran hour or two. If i'm talking to someone I'll stay on longer. If I'm on the board I'll answer the questions and leave maybe checking in later. But I never Ignore my kids. I'm constantly watching them and talking to them, they climb on my lap, I feed them, I play with them, I kiss em. And if one of them is having a problem I get off and go play. But I never just sit on the internet all day and ignore them, for one thing, I would be getting some pretty serious feedback about that from tthem. Kid's wont LET you ignore them. Babies scream and the otlder kids get into stuff. Today the twits are sick and I had to run to Boise.

Sometimes during the day I sit and watch a television show for a while. In that timee the kids usually play nicely on the floor or are in their laps. The rest of the bday i'm bustin my butt, just like a working momma or dadda would do.

Quality time means something. But I don't HAVE to have quality time with my kids 24/7. I mean the way it sounds from some people it's like I could ignore them12 hours a day and then have 2 hours of fun with them and put them to bed and that would be good quailtity time.

Quality time is not something thats usually planned. It just happens. Like When I'm sitting and Tracy curls up in my lap with a book. Or when Nicky calls "Dada!" and I sit down with him and play trucks. You know?

I wish I could just end this debate and stahm and working parents. NO ONE is better than ANYBODY else in this manner. Working parents aren't bad people because they have the desire to go out in the world and make money - or need to make money to survive. They're not bad parents if they only see their children after work --- or even on the weekends for people who have partial custody. What makes you a good parenting is loving your child and doing everything in your power to keep them safe and make them feel loved. Parenting is niether black or white. It's every color in the rainbow.

Boys r us replied:
I certainly hope that you didn't take offense to my post..as I stated it wasn't directed at anyone on this board..yet from your reply, it seems as though you were rebuttling my statement. I didn't say what I said to put anyone on the defensive and in fact I clearly stated that I just wish all parents could find a happy balance between being a parent and being their core self..regardless of whether they choose to work or stay home. I don't really this this has anything to do with staying home or working as a parent..b/c there are many parents on both sides of the fense who A) aren't the type of parents that children deserve and need B ) try to be super parent and spoil their life as well as well as their kid's

So in my opinion, whether you are a stay at home parent or a work outside of the home parent or a work @ home parent..the arguments in this article apply. Guess I'm a little lost as to what could be construed as offensive in that

loveydad replied: Not at all hon!

Let me see if I can explain this. Your post was the only one I really read (sorry guys but with this many kids I usually have t o skim) and so a lot of the things in your post were in my post because I had read yours but no, I didn't take any offense at all. I know most of us have lives and don't need to be offensive! So no worries!!

loveydad replied: Oh and the offended thing at first was just a joke (since this topic is so often fought over)

Boys r us replied: Just making sure Vig!! That was the last of my intentions..so I wasn't to make sure I didn't offend!

loveydad replied: Course not! I like your new avatar - is that new?