leaving them with someone - that has a different way of parenting

toothytracie wrote: Olivia started going to a babysitter today (2 days / week for the next 2 wks then full time) and everytime I have met this woman, she has hurt my feelings b/c she doesn't think anything I do is right. She is an attachment parenting - I guess that is what you call it when she says that she won't let him cry in the crib if he doesn't go right to sleep - and that is ok, but that is not how I raise my child. I think she is a great mom and I think I might be overprotective. But, I want Olivia to take naps whether she cries for a minute or 15min b/c I don't want to listen to her b/c she is cranky!

Today when I dropped Olivia off she said that she didn't think that something the dr told me to give to her was "good for her". And, she doesn't like O's schedule b/c she said she eats too many times and she doesn't like that she doesn't drink X amt of formula.

I think she will be really good for Olivia but I am afraid that since O is going through a seperation anxiety phase that she will make it worse. I always say that I don't care what they do over there as far as her holding her all day or her schedule but the fact is I do!

My DH thinks I baby Olivia too much but no one else seems to have the same parenting style that I do - I dont know, maybe everyone is different. MIL is like the babysitter as well....so I am not too sure how "bad" it would be since Olivia acts GREAT for MIL.

I am a wreck leaving her there (or anywhere) b/c I don't have control over the "parenting".

Do you think I should just ignore her? Does she have to have my views to be a great babysitter? Should I stop caring what they do all day long?

mom2tripp replied: Well.....Tripp comes with me to work so my opinion shouldn't be valued all that much but if I were to send him somewhere I would like for the babysitter to do what I want and what I believe. For instance I too let Tripp CIO for naps and bedtime so I would expect my caregiver to do so also. I would expect my babysitter to feed the foods I brought and discipline the way I choose to. I think what you should do is sit down and talk to her and tell her that you understand that the way she parents her own children is very different from you but if she is going to keep Olivia she's going to have to do it your way.

I think it would be very hard for Olivia if you let her CIO at home and then she goes to a sitter that picks her up right away, it sends mixed messages to the child.

Try to talk to the sitter and get her to see where you are coming from

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
I have only left Wil with a sitter once this whole year, but I feel that a sitter should have the same parenting style, or at least close to the same style as I do. I understand that it is hard to find good sitters and you do what you have to do sometimes, but I would probably find another sitter if you can. I agree that it would be confusing for a child to be allowed one thing at the sitter's and another in your home. My MIL of course parents differently than I do and I don't expect her to necessarily "change" for me, but I do expect her to respect my style and practice it with Wil. And she does, because I am the parent. I think it is rude for your sitter to give you her opinion when you don't ask for it. And I find it wrong that she expects you to go with her style of parenting. Attachment parenting is definitely not for all. Don't let the sitter make you feel bad for your own choices.

I imagine talking to the sitter won't help much. She sounds pretty set in her ways and she sorta sounds like she'll do it her way when you're not around anyway. I'm sorry though. It's a tough call. Can you look around some more and make sure that you ask a lot of these questions when you interview?

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I don`t think I`d let a sitter tell me how to parent.

I`d simply tell her although you appreciate her concern, this is what you do, how you do it, and you`d appreciate it if she could follow your directions - after all, she`s not the only sitter in the world, you know.

I htink it`s important for a caregiver to follow your parenting style. It`s different when it`s grandma for a few hours than a sitter... you know?

jacobsmama replied: I also had a sitter like this when I went back to work Jacob was 12 weeks old and she wanted to feed him at her convience and the amount she wanted and not what I had asked. I talked to her several times and each time like you she made me feel like I was wrong and her was was right so I changed sitters to a family member who I knew would do it my way I also agree that your siter should do CIO, Discipline, feed and everything the same way that you do. If they don't understand that then they probably aren't the best choice for olivia.

Jamison'smama replied: Well, I agree you should find someone who is closer to your parenting style. Since I follow more of the attachment style parenting, I would have a very difficult time letting a child CIO--not saying it shouldn't happen in your home if that is your choice, but if she is firmly AP she would have a difficult time doing it. It is your child so you can make any request you want but if it is against her parenting beliefs she may not follow through. Now the eating would have nothing to do with attachment parenting--that's just her being a little controlling I think--did you ask for her advice? Since you had a lot of questions initially about Olivia did she offer her suggestions because she thought you wanted them? If not, you need to make some decisions---you said Olivia behaved well with your MIL--is it a style you would like to try? If not, you may want to keep looking.

Best of luck--I know it is hard to find good and loving childcare.

julesmom replied: I practice AP and I would not be able to babysit and let a child CIO...even if that is what they are used too. JMHO.

So, if it bothers you, then I'd suggest you find another DCP who follows your parenting style. Or, maybe let her work with Olivia and see if AP works better. Maybe you will change to AP and find it works better! Just an idea!

toothytracie replied: Well, I took her there today and I am came home crying. She didn't follow a thing I said. She obviously didn't let her CIO (And I didn't expect her to) but she napped/ate wayyyyyyy off and now I get her and she is way off from what I need to do with her this evening.

She has a 13mon old and his schedule isn't ANYTHING like what Olivia's is and she wants them to be on the same. His schedule doesn't work for us.

Olivia will eat small amts all day long if you let her. I know I may not be right, but I make her wait til its time to eat. She didn't and she didn't eat much and I know that might be b/c she wasn't hungry yet but we have been eating at same time every day for a while now. And, since she didn't eat and eat very much, she was hungry now and if I feed her (I did) she won't eat at 5pm when its time to eat and then she won't eat at bedtime b/c she isn't hungry b/c she was off.

I just wonder if there is anyone that will follow my schedule/style. And, I don't know if I should just let Olivia adjust to it.

kimberley replied: imo, you should look for a new DCP. there is no point in bringing her somewhere that makes your life harder when you do have her. it makes no sense. DCP's are supposed to make your life easier, not harder.

just make sure your interview process is a little more intensive this time. you might even want to specify someone more mature because they probably carry the same old school values of rigid scheduling and CIO that you do. hope you figure it out.

moped replied:
I guess I am old school - LOL...................

Kidding, but I really am.

I think you should find someone who will stick to your schedule - it is important to you and her!

toothytracie replied: Is Old School good or bad????

I wouldn't really say I am that but I know what works for Olivia b/c I have tried alot of things. I know Olivia needs to get used to some things that go on elsewhere that she doesn't get at home.

julesmom replied:
I agree, but not at 9mths old. I don't know if babies can do that. Maybe they can.

When she is older, I think she'd be able to adjust more easily.
If the DCP upset you, you need to find another one. What about a center?

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Hmmmm guess I'm old school too...but never thought of myself that way. I think it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job with Olivia because it sounds like you've done your homework and know what's best for your daughter! Don't let anyone tell you differently. What works for you may not work for others. And I certainly don't believe you should have to adjust your methods or "try out" AP in order to make things work for your DCP. She should be doing that for you!! You hired her. She's a service IMO.

But Toothytracie, honestly, if you're coming home feeling awful and close to tears from this woman, than find someone new. She is obviously not going to see eye to eye with you. And that's FINE. Be upfront about your parenting style when you interview. You'll find that a lot of people out there are closer to your style than you think....and they aren't necessarily "old school" older folks.

Good luck!

kimberley replied:
it is neither good nor bad lol. i didn't mean it either way.. it is just a common parenting style of the older generation. all that matters is that you find whatever works for you and your baby. and i agree, 9mos is too young to force her into too many changes.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
i' heard that it's like that for older generations, because they had more kids....

and if you think about it, with like 5 or six kids under 6... rigid scheduling and crying it out lets EVERYBODY be on the same page - babies and older kids...and with a mom who's on her own to take care of all the kids, AND cook, AND clean.... if I was in that position I'd most likely let the child CIO as well....

but I'm not, so I don't.... it's different for everyone... I let my daughter CIO now, but she's 19 months old and perfectly capable of telling me what she wants. I woulnd't let my newborn CIO - but I also taught them a bit of sign language, and they could sign milk, diaper change and sleep by like 5 or 6 months old.

Meh.... I say get a sitter who respsects you.

toothytracie replied: I don't know what you think i meant by what I said about her getting used to other things that she doesn't see at home. I meant that being in ANY day care provider outside the home, it isn't going to be like home and that is ok. It is quiet here and that is a problem for her I know, but she lets the things around her distract her from eating/sleeping. Just like today, she would sleep b/c the caregivers son was awake and she wanted to play. She might not learn those things now per say but she will have to get used to them and that will happen anywhere. I already have a problem with her not wanting to nap when we are out like at my mom's or sisters b/c everyone is around and then I have to listen to her all day b/c she is cranky.

huggybugboy replied: I have been having kind of a similar dilemma. On the one hand I want my mom to keep the same schedule that I keep at home. But on the other hand, she is the one with him all day long and she is the one who has to live with him, so should it be her schedule? But then when I bring him home without enough naps he is way cranky and I don't want him to take to late of a nap so I just have to deal with "grumpy gus" until bed time. If I put him to bed too early than he wakes up too early and then I'm exhausted in the morning.

But bottom line: If this lady is making you feel horrible everyday, it doesn't matter how great the sitter is, you don't need to feel that way and you should find someone else.

Hugs hun, just do what's best for you and Olivia.

NummyMommy replied: Ok I'm not going to chime in one way or the other about whether babysitters should or shouldn't follow your schedule because I think that that, like parenting styles, is a personal prefference too. I have been on both sides of this issue and I think every situation is different. But some of the things you said ....well....has it been really hard for you to let someone else be Olivias PCG? If thats the case then you should definately seek out someone with identical parenting styles and schedules. It will be easier for both of you in the long run...because otherwise you'll always be thinking "Is she doing it right"? I think Olivia will adjust no matter what (kids seem to pick up quick on different houses=different rules) but I think its more important that YOU are comfortable leaving her. If you aren't happy how is Olivia going to be? If I'm totally off and you don't have those issues then maybe you can try to work it out...but IMHO I just think its unrealistic to expect a CG to change their schedule and their childs schedule in their own home. Most places theres way more kids then CG's. Thats not to say you can't try though I just think she has already made her intentions clear to you (in the wrong way )

ediep replied:
I am sure that you already know this but that is completely normal. Jason hasn't taken a nap anywhere but his own crib or my car since he was like 3 months old. Actually, none of my friends kids nap anywhere but home too. I guess if its daycare, eventually she'll learn to take a nap there, but if she is anything like Jason it may take a while.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
Hmmm....I have the opposite problem.... my kids don`t have a problem napping for anyone/anywhere else.... it`s at home that I have issues with nap / bedtime....

the sitter, my mom and MIL seem to be able to get both kids off to bed without a peep out of them!

coasterqueen replied: I agree that an AP person will find a hard time practicing methods that aren't anywhere near their beliefs. I couldn't watch a child and make them CIO because I'm so strongly against it. I know it might be right for that family but I can't practice it for them in my house, no way.

So I would suggest finding someone closer to your parenting styles so that you feel more comfortable.

You are never going to find someone as perfect raising a child as yourself. Trust me I complain about my dcp 24/7 and DH tells me all the time it wouldn't matter who we got I'd still complain because it isn't me.

My dcp does try really hard to do things like I'd want and she does everything she can to make my life easier. I'm very very specific with my dcp too. I tell her I want all activities, diaper change activity, times she received bottles, what they had for lunch/snacks, nap times, etc, etc. That was something Dh and I both wanted and she gives us a daily sheet with this on it. I also tell her I don't spank, CIO, I like my babies to be held as often as possible, tummy time, etc, etc, diapers changed often. You name it I've told my sitter, lol. There are SOME things that I don't like about my sitter or aggrevate me at times that I've kept my mouth shut about because they aren't as important to me as the other things.

We figured if our dcp didn't like the things we wanted done/how we wanted our kids to be taken care of then she needed to be up front with us and we'd go our seperate ways. I don't expect her to adhere to my parenting style and would have been fine if she didn't want to - we'd find someone else.

I feel like I'm paying for her service and I should be happy with it. You should be too.

You have to decide what is best for you and Olivia and whether you like that lady's style of parenting for your DD. Trust me there are going to be days when things just odn't go right at the dcp. Some days for whatever reason Kylie doesn't get a nap because the other kids won't nap and then she's a bear all evening. But that could have easily happened in my home because we were too busy.

jcc64 replied: As difficult as it may be, I think you already know the answer to your question- you need to find a new sitter. Please try to learn from my experience:
I hired a sitter for Corey to come into my home and watch her while I worked. She was an older woman, around my mom's age, who had some very definite ideas about how things should be done. It was obvious that she had a lot of experience and was very comfortable around babies, and she lost no opportunity to tell me that. For my part, I was hardly a new, insecure parent- I was 37, it was my 3rd child, and I had my own ideas about how things should be done. About 3 or 4 months into the relationship, I actually had to sit down with the woman and clearly express that I expected her to respect my parenting style. She agreed, but I think it was more than she was capable of doing. I continued to try to make the relationship work, against all odds, and she perpetually undermined me every chance she got. She simply felt her way was THE WAY, and that I wasn't a skilled parent (or a good housekeeper, for that matter). Anyone who knows me here on this board will find it shocking that I allowed myself to be bullied by someone, but that is essentially what happened. This was an intimate relationship- she came into my house everyday, cared for my child- she was very much integrated into my life. Corey was so attached to her, and I feared I wouldn't be able to find anyone else. It sort of turned into an abusive relationship of sorts, because I was afraid to "leave". I was perpetually miserable, and my friends and family kept encouraging me to fire her. Finally, and inevitably, she pushed me too far, we had a HUGE neighbors-staring-dogs-barking kind of argument and I fired her.
I found another sitter, who's been with me to this day. She's amazing, and it's a wonderful, harmonious relationship for all involved. It doesn't matter what your parenting style is. Your sitter's job is to approximate it as best she can for the best interest of the child. It sounds like that is not possible in this case. Believe me, it's not a healthy situation for anyone. Take it from one who knows.
And btw- some of the other issues you've discussed- rigid schedules, crying it out, attachment parenting, etc, are best left for another post. This is more about your sitter than your parenting choices.
Good luck.

toothytracie replied:
This is exactly how I feel. I am sure Olivia will be fine, it is me that has the problem. So, to answer the question, yes it is very hard to let someone else do it, even DH.

toothytracie replied:
I disagree. That is what this thread is about the sitter AND the parenting style - she has a different parenting style than I do. I am not bashing any of the parenting styles, and I said that in my original post, I am just stating that it is not how I do it.


How come everytime I start a thread about a problem I have, I feel like I am starting WWIII?

jcc64 replied: I'm just trying to support you, hon. In my experience, it's more constructive to stick to one topic at a time in a thread, otherwise, it starts rambling all over the place. It seemed that there were two conversations going on at once: the type of parenting you practice, and how your sitter doesn't respect it. Just trying to help you get the advice you were seeking.
No harm, no foul.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
Stepping in to say this:

I htink that the thread is about the connection between the sitter AND the methods - the sitter doesn`t want to do ToothyTracie`s methods.

It`s not about deciding whether the methods themselves are right or wrong - which I htink is what Jeanne was trying to say - that we are not posting here in this post to bash or support the methods themselves - this post is about the sitter not listening to the MOTHER's CHOICE of parenting methods.

Let`s all remember that it`s difficult to read tones of voice when writing and reading - we`re here to support each other above all - and if there is a misunderstanding, let`s try to figure out what it is before it gets out of hand.

jcc64 replied:

Thank you. That's what I was trying to say. Not sure why I didn't get that across more clearly.

toothytracie replied: Just wanted to say that I wasn't trying to get it off topic. I wasn't trying to bash/support any style.

I am not upset by the post and I wasn't trying to say anyone else was.

Warbride replied: Just my opinion, but there are lots of different parenting styles. Finding a sitter who matches your style perfectly isn't easy, and is close to impossible. My suggestion is, make a list of things you are willing to comprimise on, and a list of what you aren't. Things that could put your child in real physical danger are definate no comprimise, and that includes eating. Every child is different, mine happens to thrive on a simi-rigid schedule, but some need a really rigid one, and some need none at all. If a sitter is trying to make you feel like you aren't a good parent(and I've been through this), they aren't the right sitter period. Do what's right for Olivia, and don't let anyone else tell you different or you will just be miserable. Hope it gets better for you.

NummyMommy replied:
I just wanted to add.....ITA with boogabears post.....I also read some of your other posts about your struggles with Olivia and I'm sorry if I came off as not sensitive to your need for her to maintain her own schedule. It seems that her schedule isnt just a schedule...its the only way you can get through the day. I don't see this as a parenting style per se but as a coping skill. This is a very important distinction because styles can change but learning to cope with a demanding child is a skill. I don't know if you have made it clear to this DCP just how important her schedule is to you...how it helps you and Olivia cope with everyday life. If Olivia needs this structure in order for you guys to have a happy home life then make it clear in no uncertain terms to her DCP and if she still does things her own way, you and Olivia will be better off someplace else.
I hope everything works out for you guys

moped replied:
LOL - I giggled - sorry!

YOu are a great mom and Olivia is great too!

toothytracie replied: Well, just an update. I called her on Tuesday to say that I didn't think it would work and she talked me out of it saying she needed more time and said that she wasn't giving her her way. So I took Olivia over ther Wednesday - they seemed fine. She hasnt' been eating well and fusses alot but all 3 of her top teeth are coming in. I was still uncomfortable about it b/c I felt her son's schedule didn't work for Olivia but I was just going to see what happened. I took her over again today and got a call after 3hrs that Olivia wouldn't stop crying so I went and got her and told her I wasn't going to bring her back. She said, "Fine. I can't handle her. She cries b/c I won't hold her and I am not holding her all the time." She said "she needs someone that has nothing else to do and no other kids." I left.

Olivia doesn't feel good and she doesn't know this woman and I know she will have a little bit of a time adjusting ANYWHERE. That is why she wanted her to hold her - plus, she has been doing that a bit to me as I have stated before but I *think* she is starting to get out of that. She hasn't been as bad the last few days which is why I didn't understand. Olivia is hoarse today so I guess she must of really screamed over there all day. I guess she was just trying to tell me that she didn't want to be there and I am glad since I wasn't sure if I was just overreacting or what but I wasn't comfortable so I am glad it is over.

NOW, I have called EVERYONE in our town, and 2 other towns and noone has openings. WHAT TO DO!!?!?!?

NummyMummy~ You are exactly right and that is why noone cares to follow it and I am so stuck on it. Anyone I have called, I have made sure they know.

Jen~ Thanks!

NummyMommy replied: I'm so very sorry this is happening to you I know how hard it is to deal with people who act like her.....IMHO she shouldnt have said any of the things she said, she was being very unprofessional. Its one thing to say " I'm sorry I really can't change my schedule" its another to make it out to be Olivias fault!! poor baby One thing she said was right though...unless you can find someone skilled in dealing with a child like Olivia she would be better off in a situation of no other kids/nothing else to do. I've been brainstorming about this and I came up with some ideas....not great ideas but maybe helpful....my first stop would be the churches in your town....talk to the pastors and explain the situation...sometimes there are people who are looking to help others and the pastor would know who ( I got one of my nanny jobs just because I told my pastor I felt unfulfilled working in a cafe ) ...next (and please dont take this wrong) you might call the Special Ed. coordinator in your area NOT that Olivia has a problem but Special Ed. teachers are specifically trained to deal with children who have #1 rigid schedules #2 demanding behaviors #3 parents who have high expectations (read that as parents who CARE). Sometimes they have set-ups where they include "typical" kids and sometimes the TA's moonlight as DCP's. Its worth a shot...you just need someone who has had experience with a wide variety of children....not just their own. Someone who is reitred but bored would be ideal. My T's and P's go out to you...and I'm keeping my fingers crossed too

Warbride replied: In reading these posts, I start to wonder something: Is Olivia perhaps autistic? My step-grandfather is, and if anything changes in his schedule, it totally throws him for a loop.

http://www.autism-society.org/site/PageSer...=allaboutautism

That site tells alot about it, but it has many different symptoms. Some people with autism are diagnosed as obsessive-compulsive. It's a long shot, but if this is the case, it would be better for Olivia to be diagnosed as early as possible. I didn't hear about this until my grandma got remarried, so I'm pretty sure not every one knows about it. Just wanted to give you the heads up just in case.

NummyMommy replied:
I actually was gonna use my friends son who is autistic as an example of a child who needs a rigid schedule, but decided against it as I didn't want to imply that she is. There are a lot of kids that need rigid schedules (high demand, spirited, gifted) and from reading ToothyTracies posts I didn't see any behaviors that would otherwise bring this up (avoiding contact, rhythmic movement, other delays). In fact if she wanted the caregiver to hold her all day and cried when she wouldnt I'd say thats definately a sign that she isnt. Having said that though....there are kids who are on the "autistic spectrum" who allow contact so its not impossible and even though I've had a lot of experience with disabled children including autistic ones I am certainly not an expert...so I'm just going by my gut here...I just think Olivia is a high demand child. My brother was extremely high demand (according to my mom) and he was tested and they found out he was gifted....I agree that it is better to have a child evaluated early because early intervention is the key to success with a lot of disabled kids. Evaluations are free (and usually fun for the kids) so it couldnt hurt. But I didn't want anyone to think that, from my post, I think Olivia has a problem.

toothytracie replied: The ped said she is "high spirited" and I am actually reading the book and it describes her to a tee!

I have called ECI and they are going to come out and evaluate her. NONE of the symptoms of autism match her though....

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Good luck! BTW, Olivia is adorable!

NummyMommy replied:
hehe I agree and so does my youngest.....when she sees Olivias pic she points and says Baybee Baybee!!

Warbride replied: I'm glad then. I wasn't trying to imply something was wrong with her, I just wanted to rule out that possibility. It's not a bad thing to have a high demand child tested, just to make sure. Some kids are high demand, I know, but better to err on the side of caution(as my MIL says)

toothytracie replied: Thanks!

stanleygirl replied: Hi, I know I am a little late to this, but as a PT childcare provider (which is why I have no time to post anymore), for a mother who has a totally different style as me, I wanted to tell you a few things I think you should look for. First, I am all for CIO, and the little boy I watch has been raised with AP. I would say that for one thing your DCP should never undermine you, and by saying oh I would never let your child cio, they are giving the child mixed signals, and in fact I see it as tellig the kid what mom does is wrong. It is not her call.
I do not agree witht eh way things are done with the boy I watch, but hey I am not his mother, I just take care of him. And I do what she asks me, and what he is used to.
I hope you find someone great to watch her, and just remember that they need to do things your way, they are providing you a service, they are not their to judge you and your parenting methods IMO>
Good luck!!

(oh and btw I am a very strict sheduler too, it is good for kids!)