life changing problem please help

worriedad wrote: hi all first of i will say this could be long,and sorry if i posted in the wrong place but i need serious help.

ok im a father to 2 kids,recently my marrage has went down hill and me and my wife split up,we are still living in the same house as i dont want to move out and not see my kid's etc etc.now that bad part,i knew things were getting to the end and i had some plans to make,i needed to get away so i went away to another country for a few days to think of my future.i did think i had made my plan and i was sticking to it but i get home and my live changed for the worst,i have discovered my wife had meet up with a guy from the internet,for weeks she was talking on chat rooms etc and i had to sit down stairs for weeks knowing what she was doing and not being able to stop it.i was devistated to say the least but i went further and found out its a place like a doging site,she just meets up with people for sex and thats it...its killing me but im trying to deal with it but the thing is she sits up all night chating to these people,pretending to b doing things she is not,she had to up her anti depressants double dose,we were both smokeing dope and stoped and now the latest thing for her and her friends is to take speed balls to lose weight what should i do? i love her to bits and have found this a hard pill to swallow but its not the real her,i dont think anyway.she is booked in for counsiling etc etc,she tryed to get an appointment weeks ago and couldnt,now she has 1 for next week but i think its going to get worse by then.what am i to do?she wants me out ofthe house but i know she will bring people back to it,people she doesnt know,that could be anyone,i dont want them with my wife but more inportantally near my kid's.i dont know if im being over the top with it all,im not makeing 1 bit up but is my reaction bad?i have been thinking about takeing the kids to keep them from seeing this all happening,i have been bad and snooped got chat logs and the stuff she is doing and planing is just crazy.i love her,i wan tto help her but she wont listen,my concern is for the kids and i dont want to take them away from there mother but its effecting them,she was going out a lot and 2-3 weeks ago went out at 12 didnt come home,txt me to say she got tickets to a concert and she was going out that night etc etc and i cracked up and locked her out,my 5 year old son said to do it the week before when she was out.so that time i did,notbecause he said to but i didnt know what to do.i think it was the wrong thing to do but i had no say in what she done,i was just a babysitter for her going out.my son also said lock my mummy in daddy,dont let her go out no more because he knows she stayes out half or all night.please tell me what i should do.i have talked to her and told not to be sitting up all night and to stop useing the place she was useing,she does not know i know the full story.i cant tell anyone what my wife is doing,how do you tell your family that?? i had to phone my mum last week when i found out about it all,i swallowed my pride and done it but i feel ashmed of what shes doing,i dont what people to start shouting etc incase it pushes her over the edge.i love her more than anything in the world and she loves me awelll.i know this because it was are wedding aniversary on wedensday and we spent it together crying for about 9 till 4 talking about a lot of things.i fel bad for snooping and sneeking around but i needed to get to the bottomw of things.she goes to a friends house with the kid's for her to babysit so she an meet her sex buddy's.please please help me,sorry for grammer and out lay of the post,im sure its hard to follow.

worriedad replied: forgot to add that as a result of sitting up all night she wasnt taking the child to school,sleeping in and not bothering,i done the stupid thing and said i was not takeing him because i was being used.this week i took him 3 times on my own,he needs school as he is the youngest in his year and a bit behind.she has 5 women coming to are house from another forum she is on,when she sugested it i said no as you dont really know anyone on the internet,she is bringing people we dont know to are house were the kids are and are valuables are.there arriving today even tho i said it was a bad idea,i have no say in anything she does.i pertended to be someone else and chated online with her and arranged to meet her tonight,i wont go as im minding the kid but it only took me 10 mins to arrange and i could be a nutcase,im worried for her,i want to help but cant tell her i know everything as she would keep everything from me and i would not know what she was doing or if she was ok if that makes sence,shes going out to meet the people at the airport then there out most of the day,only coming back to leave there bag's etc in the house and to get ready to go out...its a hen weekend sort of thing.

Nina J replied: Firstly, welcome to Parenting Club. My name's Nina, I hope you stick around

Your wife is an adult, and I know you're very worried about her, but you have to put your children and yourself first. Take your kids, and find somewhere else to live. They shouldn't be in that kind of environment. It may seem harsh to just leave your wife alone, but perhaps realising she is possibly going to lose her children will knock her onto the right track. When you son is telling you to lock his mother out or in, it's serious. It's affecting your kids, and memories like those will last forever. If you take yourself and your children somewhere else, you can still help your wife but you'll be helping your kids aswell.

Your wife can make her own choices about who she want's to have sex with, however bad it may seem. You can tell her your concerns though, but she's a consenting adult so she ultimatly makes her own choices.

Counselling seems like the right thing to do for your wife. Hopefully, with some support from friends and family she'll be okay, but to get her support from friends and family, you need to tell them. You can't deal with all of this on your own, especially when it sounds like your virtually a single dad. There's nothing to be embarrassed about, telling them now is going to save the major embarrassment of telling them in 2 months when your wife is 10 times worse.

But, I'm urging you to get your children out of such a destructive environment. That's the first thing you need to do.

Keep us updated, you'll be in my thoughts

gr33n3y3z replied:
I couldnt agree more

worriedad replied: how do you tell people your wife is sleeping with strangers? its embarrasing.i can goto my folks house but they dont know the full storie,they know she has met 1 person,she has met 2 and has arranged to meet more.if i take the kids she will goto court and we will end up complaining with each other,im reged as an alcho.i like a drink but dont class myself as 1,i drink at nights not day time and rarely get drunk,i like to have a drink or 2 but im not a state.so it would not look good for me.i do have logs of the things she is saying and prove that she has meet people but i dont know the courts views on it all.thankyou for all the help so far,i have talked to her and she agreed with me but she went up stairs and started chating again,i made up a user name and she offered to meet me tonight,i cant go obviously and im not going to but it shows how much thought that she is putting into it....none,i could be a crazed person

Jamison'smama replied: Call an attorney. It shouldn't be embarrassing to anyone but her at this point. Put your own embarrassment aside and do what you need to do to keep your kids safe.

Ashlynn's Mommy replied: First of all let me just say that you cannot help your wife. Nobady can. In order for her to get help, she has to want it. Second, you need to get those kids out of the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I understand it will be devastating to remove them, but they are not adulte. They cannot take care of themselves. If you think their welfare is in danger in anyway, shape , or form, get them out of their. You have to put their well being first instead of thinking about how your wife is going to react to it. I hope this helps. Good luck.

gr33n3y3z replied: Well at this point you shouldnt worry about what ppl. think and you have to do what is best for the kids

And if your worried about what the courts will say then clean up your act at home and not drink period then this way she has nothing agaist you.
You can make the changes but you also have to be willing to do so for your children.

luvmykids replied: Hi and Welcome to PC!

I agree with everything that has been said, you cannot help/change/fix your wife. It's a tough pill to swallow when you care for someone who is self-destructing but sadly and more important truly you cannot do anything for her. Your best bet is to do whatever you have to do to get your children out of the situation which is unimaginable for them and be prepared to do it alone.

worriedad replied: thanks all,i bit the bullet and told her dad,he spoke to her and i think she is going to stop,it dont save us but at least the kids might not be as effected.thanks everyone.she says she hates me now and she never did before,im not overly fussed as long as the kids are ok,im not moveing out because i dont trust her fully.she is out tonight and i thought if anything happened i would never have forgave myself.thanks everyone

CantWait replied: I'm not sure HER dad was the right person to talk to. Because she says she's going to stop, doesn't mean she will. Your wife is in a rollarcoaster that can't be stopped all on it's own.

As for those ladies that are coming to the house so that your wife can go out. Simple. Don't let them in, call the police, whatever. This is your's and your children's house and you have just as much say as your wife.

Your wife's depression may also be what's keeping her in bed, and not getting involved in the kid's activities, and preparation for school, unfortunetly you need to step in double duty here to make sure that the children are getting what they need.

This isn't something your wife can fix without major help, and I wish you guys the best of luck. I think in the mean time though, this is something your wife needs to work out on her own.

worriedad replied: i pmed this to someone but think it should be on here.

i pertended to be someone else on the place that she goes an started to chat to her,within 10 mins i had arranged to meet with her just for sex,it killed me but it showed that she was not checking people out before meeting them,i really dont know what has gotten into her,she was a great girl and we did have are problems but this is a change of character on her part.she openly told a chat room type of place were she would be out and what time,if anything had of happened to her and i could of stoped it i could never have lived with myself so i had to do something.so i told her dad,couldnt tell her mum as her mum always says do what makes you happy,her mum also would go with anyone,her parents split up etc etc she is adoped but her real mum is her aunt...its a bit of a mess,she also got sexually asulted by her granda and step brother.so much stuff has happened to her and i thought i had halped her threwq things,i always let stuff lye and didntbring stuff up because i thought it may be an effect of what she had been threw.i have lost her but do love her dearly....all i can do is look after the kids and try and do the best i can for them.she messaged me,well the other bloke i pretended to be and said she was stoping meeting people and useing the site because she may lose the kids so something has sunk in.thankyou!!!

redchief replied: I know this is difficult, but it seems to me that telling her father and his speaking with her hasn't done a lot to change her behavior. I would have been surprised if it had given what you said so far.

She seems to have a strong inner sense that she is worthless and to be used. Her self-destructive behavior is indicative that she wants to feel important to anyone. Much of what is wrong with your wife happened long ago and sometimes tough love is the only way to bring her around.

I strongly suggest you get the children out of the house and into a healthier environment. I'm getting the feeling here that you're not going to do that though. In that case, and here comes the tough part because she will spit venom at you, remove the computer from the house. Without her communication tool to meet other people, she will have to face herself in the real here and now. She will probably call you every name in the book and eventually cease talking to you completely, or insult you every chance she gets.

Without knowing where in the world you are it would be difficult to estimate your chances of gaining custody should you separate. I suggest you start document all of the destructive behaviors you described here. Put it on paper and keep it up to date. Good luck, and I'm sorry we had to meet under such tough circumstances for you.

worriedad replied: no problems and cheers,everyone,i take the modem out with me and take it when i goto bed,she can acess things threw her phone and has all the guys numbers.she has swore not to do it again but is still going to remain to see 1 of the fellas,the 1 she had sex with.telling her dad may not of been the best bet but at least someone else that cares for her knows,her mates have not warned her off and her mother is happy if she is happy.we have talked a lot since,cant save us but hopefully she can save her self,she has agreed that it was silly etc etc.i have kept everything,chat logs txt messages etc etc