lying - need help

boyohboyohboy wrote: ok so what do you do with a 6yr old boy, who is lying, and letting other people take the blame and get into trouble and punished for things he himself has done?

I am having trouble with caleb. he has always been such a straight laced kid, cared about others and had such a kind caring heart. I was always so in awe at his gentleness. He has dramatically changed.
we have grounded him, taken everything out of his room but his bed and clothes. there is nothing left to take away..and its not working
there is no remorse, he doesnt care at all.

he isnt depressed, he just ignores it..

I am at a loss at what to do now.....

moped replied: Ugh, that is a tough one, especially if you have tried all the usual tactics......I throw things away for punishment too but it doesn't seem to be as effective as it once was.

A reward chart? I am on the fence on them personally

Let me think on this one........

Nina J replied: That is a tough one. I have never been in this situation.

I would suggest continuing the discipline whenever you son lies. Perhaps you could sit down and have a talk to him about why lying is bad (I am sure you already have), but make up some rules. So let him know the next time he lies, he loses his bike for a day (or something else). If he lies again, the bike and something else (e.g. tv watching) go for 2 days. If it happens a third time, the bike, watching tv and something else goes for a week. That way Caleb will know exactly what to expect if he lies, and if he continues to lie, the consequences increase. You could talk to him about the consequences and explain how if he continues to lie, he loses more things.

You could also have some rewards. So if he lie, but apologises, you could let him know that you're really proud that he has shown he is sorry and understands lying is bad.

I have found from personal experience with Emily that if she is showing bad behaviour, like she went through a hitting her sister phase, I would take something I knew she would enjoy away. Emily loves to go to the local lake because there is some food places with hot dogs and icecreams, and an adventure playground. We go there once or twice a month, I usually try to set aside a specific day. So I let Emily know we will be going to the lake in 10 days or however many days. When she was going through her hitting phase, I tried the usual consequences to get her to stop, but she wouldn't, so when she did it again I told her she wouldn't be able to go to the lake with Odessa, Aysun and I this time. I noticed a big improvement in her behaviour, but I followed through and didn't let her come to the lake. I felt terrible, but by taking away something that she really enjoyed and looked forward to, she improved a lot. I found it more effective than removing toys or tv watching, I think possibly because she knows they will eventually come back, but the lake and the playground isn't something she sees every day.

Good luck, keep us posted

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Wil is starting to do this. I would probably turn it around in a positive way and reward him when he tells the truth. Don't give him too much attention when he lies, but praise him for when he's honest. If he's like Wil, he feeds off of the negative, likes the attention, so he continues to do it, kwim? Tell him "I bet it feels great to tell the truth and be honest with your friends". He may just feel really proud of it! Which is always HUGE for Wil, feeling proud! Sometimes books that talk about true vs false help. Ask a librarian for suggestions. We do reward charts with Wil, but not for behavior, more for doing chores...brushing his teeth, trying to make his bed, cleaning up the playroom. It works for that.

Boo&BugsMom replied: Stacy, first I would find out where he is picking up these behaviors. I mean, a straight laced kid that has been close to perfect for 6 years just doesn't go and change into the opposite kid one day, KWIM? Is he being easily influenced at school? Seeing things on tv? Between what we had talked about through our PM's and this, I would get to the bottom of what is changing his behavior first.

boyohboyohboy replied: we grounded him to come home from school for the next two days and go straight to his room, he also has to write I will not lie, on two sheets of paper and then come to dinner and back to his room to bed..
he seemed to need the sleep.
the bad thing is even after all the talking we did about this, he came home from school today with a note that said he is losing recess tomorrow for talking when the teacher is talking in his home room and music..

he isnt getting better.

lovemy2 replied: I agree - see if you can find out what is going on behind the behavior - sometimes I think as parents we OVER punish or OVER talk things - I know I do - Olivia tunes out after a certain amount of talk - and likewise punishment - I was also told by her kindy teacher to keep in mind that they do receive punishment at school for behaviors that happen at school - the best advice she offered was that we make sure Olivia knows that we and the teacher communicate and know what is going on - it encouraged her to come home and tell us immediately when things happened...

You guys have had alot of changes, moving, DH's new job - you said you went through a rough patch - kids seem to have a delayed reaction to things sometimes - my Gram died in July - just last week Olivia had a major breakdown about it - it was quite sad and very emotional for her and I - her behavior leading up to it left something to be desired...

Hang in there Mommy - you and DH are great parents and you will get to the bottom of it - sometimes like us kids just have to go through things and you have to ride out the storm and just batten down the hatches as best you can to avoid as much damage as possible....

lisar replied: The lying issue is always a tough one. I have taught Lexi that if she tells me the truth from the beginning then her punishment wont be nearly as bad as if she was to lie to me. It works most of them time. I always just remind of this before she tells me what happened. If she lies lately I have been making her sit on the foot of her bed (no radio, no tv, no game boy, no nothing) and she sits there until she decides to tell me the truth.

boyohboyohboy replied: Dh and I talked last night, that we are going to cont. to make caleb go to his room if a note is sent home from school saying he was bad. then if the notes stop so does his punishment at home.
I do see some progress, he is seeing that we are not giving in and he is starting to see he is missing out by staying in his room.
he asked me if we were missing him and of course I said yes with lots of hugs.
he said to me that today he is going to try to keep his name off the board and not get a note.
we shall see.

boyohboyohboy replied:
I did just what you suggested, I dont know if it was the turning point, but something seems to have helped. we were supposed to have some friends come from our old school coming this weekend and I know he was looking forward to seeing them, and even though I really knew he needed to see them. we canceled it.
i plan to reschedule it as soon as i can, but he knew it was done because of his behavior..
it sure is hard being a parent.

lovemy2 replied:
Toughest job you will ever love sweetie


Your doing a great job

luvmykids replied: I hate the lying phase Kylie went through it, it seemed like for-ev-er. We really stressed that you get in more trouble for lying than whatever it is you did that you're lying about, and also that if you lie then people don't believe you even when you really are telling the truth. There were a few things she normally would get in big trouble for but we kind of let them slide if she was honest so she would get the picture that lying just makes things worse.

When it got really bad, she would tell me something and I would say "I'm sorry, I just don't know if you're telling the truth or not so I can't really do anything about it" I know that sounds harsh but it worked.