need opinions...

kimberley wrote: i am sure you all have heard me complain about the boys' dad but this weekend i am livid. he has spent most of the last few weeks "working" and has barely spent any time with the boys. he goes in around 10am and really only works til about 6ish pm then says he needs to drink with the regulars to keep them happy. whatever. i worked in many bars where the owner was only there during peak times and things went well.

anyways, the boys wanted to go their grandma's cottage a few weeks ago and their dad said he was too busy with work and didn't want the long drive so his mom just brought them on her own. well...... his mom is in NJ this weekend visiting friends, so he calls me tuesday and says he is thinking of going up to her cottage this weekend. i am a little annoyed cuz it is easter but i know the boys miss him. the kicker......
he wants me to tell the boys he is working because he is going up with his friends!!!!

so i am supposed to lie to my kids so they don't hate you for who you really are?! of course i haven't told them cuz they haven't specifically asked and i don't want them to cry but Jacob was in tears twice this week because he is just not around when he says he will be. Jacob is reaching an age where he is not a stupid kid and knows BS when he hears it.

so idiot tells the boys he would come home early yesterday to spend time before he is "working" for the weekend. he doesn't, they call and he shows up a couple of hours later. then they come up and i was wondering why they weren't with him. they said he is watching a dvd and won't play with them!

what do i do? i know he loves them but has his priorities up his rear end and is a horrible role model. Jacob is already resenting him and James is getting there tho he is quick to forgive when daddy feeds a line of BS his way. ugh. this is so frustrating!

gr33n3y3z replied: I just would not say anything even if they ask you can say you just dont know or he is busy then this way your not lying

C&K*s Mommie replied: In absolute honesty, Kimberley. IDK. I would continue to give them all the love that you have for them. And more to make up for their dad that is MIA. In the long run, it is only himself and the resentment and anger they will have towards him for not taking the time as a dad with them. He is selfish, and it may have an effect on them. But with your continued love for them they will come out on top. But as for the here and now, I do not know. One day you may be able to be honest with them as they understand more. Praying for you, and your boys.

CAMSMOM1 replied: I can see why you are frustrated. It's not right that he put you in this position, so you can be the "bear of bad news" to the boys. If he is going to flake, again, he needs to tell them himself.

How old is he? He sounds like he wants his freedom, and children are just tying him down.(a little immature?) I'm sure he cares about the boys, but his actions aren't showing it.

IMO, I wouldn't lie to the boys. And I would have either the boys call him and ask him what's going on, or he needs to call the boys. No matter who tells them, they are still going to be dissappointed. It's really hard on them, because boys need & want the attention from the Daddy. And they need that male influence in their lives. They need to know that their father is committed to them, and the promises he makes.

Obviously, he isn't that busy with work, to find the time to spend with his
friends. If I were you, I'd tell their father exactly how this makes them feel, how hard this is on them, and how you have to deal with their emotions, because he's to busy to. And that if he makes another broken promise, that's it. No more. He needs to make up his mind as to what he wants to be.....a father, a business man, a buddy to his friends? And that he's not the only father on this planet that has to work, and if he plans/balances his time, he can do both. No more excuses, period.

Sorry you have to be in the middle of this. I feel badly for your boys. I hope their father gets his head out of the clouds, and makes a committment to them he'll keep.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I think Nicole said it really well.

luvmykids replied: I had a dad just like that and feel so bad for your boys. I would tell him that you are no longer the middleman and that he needs to directly tell them what he's been telling you. HE needs to call and tell them why he's not going to be seeing them, then if there's lying involved it's on his part and you aren't the one dealing with his irresponsible behavior. You'll still have to handle the boys and their disappointment but you won't be "the bad guy" always giving them the news. Then on their own they can see him for who he is and come to their own conclusions.

My3LilMonkeys replied:
ITA with this. Personally I wouldn't lie to them. If they do specifically ask tell them they need to call their father and ask him maybe?

Edward's Mommy replied:
I like the way Monica said it. Especially since she was there once.

CAMSMOM1 replied: I hope I didn't sound to harsh. I just think that he needs to get his priorities straight, and I hope he can make it up to the boys. Sorry you have to be the middle man.

kimberley replied: thanks everyone. i know he will just lie to them and say he is working this weekend . i ran out to pick something up and james said something about his dad not wanting to be far from them and i stupidly mumbled "funny way of showing it" and his reply... "mom, dad tries really hard to see us but he has to work" i just shut my mouth, but that is hogwash!!!!!! i wanted to tell him his dad is a liar and finds you boring! he actually said that to me and that jacob annoys him and he struggles to tolerate it and be nice

saddest thing.. he is a 36yo man!!!!!

i cry for their disappointment

eta: Ann, you weren't harsh at all. i've said way worse lol.

C&K*s Mommie replied: oh that breaks my heart! They are so innocent, they do not know the truth, and for him to say that about his own children....

A&A'smommy replied: put your foot down and tell him your NOT going to lie to your kids and I wouldn't let him lie to them either...

MyBrownEyedBoy replied:
Absolutely not. Don't lie to them. If they catch dad in one, that is one thing, but at least they will know that you won't lie to them.
And have you given any thought to booting his bum to the curb?

kimberley replied:
i don't know how to do that. i have thought about it since we split up 6.5yrs ago but he will cut me off financially then sue for custody. *that* he would make time for and the boys do still love him.

i have tried talking nice, tried getting angry.. nothing works. i am not going to lie if they ask.

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: Then I suppose your only option is to keep the status quo, but let him know that under NO circumstances will you lie to your kids for him. If they ask you, you will tell them the truth. Well, a modified version of the truth, they don't need to know that their father finds them boring.

MyLuvBugs replied: Oh sweetie that really sucks, and I don't really know what to say. He's really acting immature and totally avoiding his responsibilities as a father, ya know? I agree that you shouldn't lie to your kids, let them see him for what he really is. That's harsh, but you have to be the strong parental role. If they are down and out about spending time with "dad" while he's not there, you pick them up and spend time with them to make up for it. But don't bad mouth the "dad" in front of them, just let them make up their own minds. In the meantime, you need to set a good example of what a parent should be, so that they don't repeat this cycle when they get older and have kids of their own.

kimberley replied:
that is awful seeing it in writing (well typing). he knows how i feel but i will not stop trying to drill it into him. it just hurts seeing my kids disappointed again by him.

thanks everyone for the support. it helps.

MyLuvBugs replied: ok. I don't know the whole story so I have a couple questions. Sorry.
This is the boys dad, but not the girls right? And I take it by one of your previous posts that you aren't with him but that he pays child support? And that means that you are married to someone else correct? Or am I completely off and confused?

kimberley replied: yes you are right. he (Patrick) is the boys' dad and i am married to the girls' dad (Jamie).

background....

Patrick and I split up when James was just over 1yo (he is 8yo on the 27th). he persued his party life and i raised the boys. a few years later he came to me and said he was broke, got fired and asked if he could crash on my couch for a while. being the idiot i am, i let him and he hasn't left. when i got married and moved, i just figured he'd move nearby but the house we have has a basement apartment so we agreed to let him have it to help with $$ cuz i was pg too & the boys could still see him. i know.. screwy but worked for a while.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
Kimberley I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to tell you. I imagine it is so difficult not to bad mouth him in front of the boys. Especially when they think he is so GREAT. Oh that would make me furious!!!

I agree with the others who said you shouldn't lie to them. If you do, it will turn around and bite you in the butt. I would just say "Daddy can't be here this weekend to spend time with you all." and leave it at that. I bet it is so hard for them to watch Jamie interact with the girls and be there for them.

kimberley replied: oh dont get me wrong, jamie spends time with them too but it is not the same for the boys, kwim?

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Sorry...that's what I meant. I know Jamie is so wonderful with the boys.

luvmykids replied:
I was blessed to have a wonderful stepdad come along, who I don't even think of as my step. He and my mom patiently (I have no idea how they did it!) waited for me to see his true colors myself and in the mean time my stepdad totally stepped in and filled the gaps. I have a great relationship with him and it didn't even bother me about my "real" dad after a while because my step was so awesome. I did have moments but my stepdad erased any doubts I had about "Am I just not loveable?" or "Why doesn't he want to see me?" and that kind of junk.

So even if Patrick is a complete jerk with his head up his rear, I know they have a wonderful family in you and Jamie and are so loved.

I hope I don't sound like I'm making light of it, just wanted to say that as hard as it is theres still hope for a happy ending.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: Kimberly I have seen you mention your living arrangements before and first of all I want to say I think that YOU are obviously only interested in your boys being happy! I think that in the long run "lying" to the boys especially boys that are so young is NOT protecting their father BUT instead protecting them! If you say Sorry guys Daddy is working (or busy) but YOU and your DH are there for them,they will know that they are loved and wanted! If you tell them their Dad is off doing whatever they will draw their own conclusions-and kids aren't apt to lay the blame at the adult's feet. I am sure you do want to yell HE SUCKS! But coming from a kid who had a mom that did NOT hide her feelings about the man that walked out on me(and her) I can tell you even though I had a wonderful stepdad and family in my home-that grain of self doubt was always there-WHY was I NOT good enough for him to want to spend time with Those thoughts are not something you want your boys to deal with..... I am sorry that he has his head stuck! They will realize on their own one day and I would have had so much more respect for my mom in this situation IF she had NOT told me what an @$$ he could be

kimberley replied: that is why i love this board, i can really see something from every angle. i don't badmouth their dad tho times i want to. i feel bad James heard that little mumble in the car. i guess i need to be more careful.

what you both described is how i have felt for a long time.. if i waste time pointing out their dad's shortcomings, i am only making it worse on the boys.. sadly, they will see it on their own i can only love them and give them as much normalcy as i can in the mean time. but some family members told me to just tell the boys the harsh truth and i can't do it. i won't lie.. but i won't be brazen with an ugly reality.

thanks.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: Moms like you amaze me! I mean the ones who do work so hard to get along with their EX for the sake of the kids! I think my mom thought that if I loved him blindly it somehow took something from her and my stepdad. I am not saying he was/is father of the year material BUT in my (child's) eyes he was my daddy! I did not need to hear as a kid and teenager-he does not have time for you,he is too selfish to worry about it....he has other things he would rather be doing....ETC. I know she thought that if I did not know I would be hurt in the long run BUT in the long run (NOW) it would have been so much better for our relationship (my moms and mine) if she had just let me figure out what he was like on my own! I know that it would kill me to see my child hurt and ignored by someone that should love them the way I do but to a child so much of the truth is perception and if they perceive that they are LOVED by you and DH and even their Dad-anything else that needs to be known by them will come in time and hopefully by then their Dad will have grown up and be the man and father he should have been all along!

luvmykids replied:
Exactly! And although my dad hadn't grown up by then, I was still able to come to the realization that it was nothing to do with me, and I was even able to accept him for who he is and love him anyway and now we do have a good relationship with no grudges or regrets. He's still not a good dad but he is who he is and my expectations of him have changed in a way that enables me to take him at face value.

BTW- I totally admire you also, I'm sure it is one of the most difficult things you deal with and you still do it with grace for their sake

MyLuvBugs replied: So, what does Jamie think of all this? To be honest it takes quite a man to let his wife's ex live in the basement. So, he's a keeper, but I'm curious to know what he thinks of it all.

It's so hard to be a step-parent b/c you aren't that childs biological father/mother but yet you love that child like they are your own. KWIM? My mom married my dad when my siblings were little, and my brother ended up running away from his mom and came to live with my parents when he was like 11 years old. Talking to him now almost 40 years later...he says it was the best thing he ever did. He even call my mom "Mom". She never asked him to, but he realized after a few years that his mom wasn't the real mom in his life (his words not mine), so he calls my mom "mom" b/c she was the real mom to him. KWIM?

I guess what I'm trying to get at....kids will eventually figure it out and see what is true. For my brother he realized that his mom "is completely nuts" (his exact words) and now only talks to her really on holidays b/c he doesn't want to deal with the drama. Your boys will eventually figure out that their dad is a dead-beat and that he doesn't really know how to be a dad. What you and Jamie need to do isn't "lie" to the boys, but to just be there for them and be the good parental influences. They'll love you and respect you both so much more for it. But don't lie to them or get ugly, just tell it like it is and be there for them.

booey2 replied: Sorry I am getting here so late, I just wanted to say that I totally admire your strength and love for your boys. I can only add that you need to keep what you say as close to the truth as possible. I come a broken home and one in which we still don't know the whole truth as to what happened between mom and dad, dad is now dead and we will never know. Don't let that happen with your beautiful boys. Hugs to you all and squeeze them one for me. Terril

kimberley replied: you all are too sweet and give me too much credit. i feel like i am fumbling through all of this unsure half the time.

Jamie has a hard time with this sometimes. as you know, it's not easy being a step parent but then to have those kids that you invest so much into turn around and brag about how great their real dad is because he lets them eat junk food and play video games all weekend.. it hurts. he knows they are going to probably reach a point where they will say "you are not my real dad" and that will just kill him i pray it doesn't happen. he really struggles not to tell them exactly what their father is.. but he doesn't out of respect for me. but i am sure he wishes Patrick would fall down a deep hole somewhere forever and you can't blame him. for now, he voices his concerns to me and i mediate the best i can. i am pretty torn half the time because i don't want any of my family unhappy.

thank you ladies for sharing your experiences. you have given me hope in all of this and it confirms that i am sort of on the right path.

jem0622 replied: IMHO, the onus is not on you here. If they ask, then dial the phone and tell him the boys want to talk to him. Let the boys ask him and let him lie or tell the story. Whatever. It is not fair nor respectable of him to put you in that kind of circumstance. And personally, I would not lie. I wouldn't be harsh and blunt about it as they are young, but I definitely would not lie.

My nephew has a poor excuse for a father and he even tells my sister "I love my Dad but he is an a@%^*@*!" He is 11 yrs old. Adults are VERY transparent to kids.

I am so excited b/c my nephew is coming up with my parents while my sister works her nurse assistant shift! He won't be alone and the boys just adore him!