overwhelmed and afraid - any words of wisdom?

salmndr007 wrote: Hey everyone,

I am 23 and don't really have any reason not to be ready to settle down with my wife and our first one due in Aug. My wife however had an anxiety attack last night. She is 19 today (1-31) and is really excited about our first one, but last night expressed to me that she was very scared and felt overwhelmed about having a kid. She is scared that she will miss out on alot of stuff being a mom at such a young age. She is also overwhelmed when thinking about the responsibilites she will be taking on. I assured her that I will be right there with her and if she needs a break to just go see her mom for a day or whatever, I will take the baby for the day. I was just wondering if anyone else started a family at such a young age and had similar feelings. I don't know if anyone has heard the country song, i think it is called "there goes my life" but that basicly sums up how she feels. I told her that it will be ok and the baby will become the new love of her life after it is born. I know this is just a hard time for her with all of the changes her body is going through, but I was wondering if anyone else had some encouraging words for her mostly, but also for us as a couple. Thanks for your time and words of wisdom.

amymom replied: I think those are natural feelings no matter what your age is. I was much, much older when I became a parent, so I do not have any first hand advice. I do however imagine that Jess is feeling a loss of her youth. It is a forever committment to become a parent and you guys have become that. When August comes it will be hard and great all at the same time. Good Luck to you, I am sure some of the younger parents will be able to give you a better perspective on your exact conditions.


PS: If Jess had an 'anxiety attack' please discuss that with the doctor. If it was just a moment of scared, worry then no need. Oh and I hope her birthday goes well.

kimberley replied: i equate that feeling with "cold feet" at the altar. it goes away for most people once they see that tiny little person that they created. suddenly that old life seems so empty and meaningless when you see with your own eyes what life is really all about. it is one of those things that must be experienced in order to fully understand it, kwim? just reassure her that you are embarking on this new journey together and it will be the most incredible time of her life. she is going through so many changes, physically and emotionally, and it really helps that you are her constant. keep up the good work

PrairieMom replied: I was 25 when I had The Boy. He was planned, and I was still scared to death. Starting a family is a major life altering event, however, since he got here, I have never looked back. Now when I think of a life with out a child it seems to pointless.
This is a very stressfull time for the both of you. Try to be patient and understanding with her. Everything is going to be okay.

Mom2Boyz replied: DH and I were both 25 when we had our first, and we were both terrified!!!! Even though he was totally planned. Starting a family and raising children is hard no matter what your age is. IMO. It will be tough at times, but you guys will be fine

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
ITA with Kimberely here! I was 29 when I got PG for the first time, but the fears are probably the same regardless of your age. Once she sees that little person you two created, everything she thought she was going to miss out on seems WAY less important. Keep up the good words and tell her you're there for her. I personally never felt that my life was ending once I had children, it was the opposite! My life finally began!

luvmykids replied: I was 30 with my first pg and still felt those things. And honestly, some days, miss the "old days" but only for a moment and life before the kids was sooo empty and almost pointless. Would I love to go out on a Friday night, sleep late on Saturday, eat junk food on the couch and watch sex and the city reruns? Yes, but one night of that is all it takes to remind me why I love my family so much!

CantWait replied: Well I had a baby at 18, and did great for awhile, but did go through a stage where I wanted more (from school, the world, partying) when I was around 20-21. I went out a lot, to much, and just wasn't happy with who I was. Just keep encouraging her to grow as a person as well, not just as a mom and housewife and things will be fine. Give her a day a week to do what she wants to do, go out with friends, go for coffee, shopping, whatever. Things will be alright if you can stick to making sure the both of you have your alone time as well as family and relationship time.

Insanemomof3 replied: I had my first at 19. I was terrified. I think what she is feeling is perfectly normal. Just be there for her, and be sure you help her whenever she needs it.

My3LilMonkeys replied:
This is great advice!

Also, if she is feeling like the song "There goes my Life", tell her to listen to the whole song. The first verse may be about being upset at losing your life, but the 2nd and 3rd verses tell a whole different story.

jcc64 replied: The fact that she's freaking out is a good sign, imo. It reveals that she's in touch with the very big changes that lay ahead. Although I was 27 with my 1st, I was utterly clueless about how much my life was about to change, and then it all came crashing down on me after the baby was here. It sounds like she's aware of how different your lives are going to be, and change is always scary, even w/o the raging hormones. It's good to mourn your old self, and remember that it IS possible, necessary even, to stay in touch with the person you used to be before becoming a parent. That's not to say you can maintain your old lifestyle, you can't, but you can and will continue to grow as a person- just in ways you aren't yet used to.
And about the panic attack- I have an anxiety disorder, and am quite familiar with how horrible a panic attack feels. But it's nothing more than the physical and mental manifestations of overwhelming feelings. If the attacks continue to occur, however, you should mention it to her dr, who will undoubtedly have many ways to help her. It's all related to being freaked out, which we all were when we were first learning how to be moms.
The fact that you are so concerned and in tune with her feelings speaks well for you and the state of your relationship. I'm sure you guys will be great parents- and after some initial growing pains, I'm certain you'll learn to love being a new family.

Feel free to pm me if you have any questions about panic attacks during pregnancy or anything else for that matter.

3_call_me_mama replied: As someone mentioned above.. listen to the whole song.. it turns out to be the most wonderful thing that ever happend to that man ( the song is from teh father's prespective but could easily be a woman's). Although she may be scared and nervous right now, it is not the end of her life, it is really jus thte beginning. I'm not saying life wont' be different. It will be quite different in fact, BUT she can still have a wonderful fulfulling life with you adn your child and not feel like her life is over. And liek others also siad.. it's scary no matter what age you are. Iw as 22 when i was pregnant with my first... and I was thrilled beyond belief.. butwas also scared. Mostly becasue it was something i was unfamiliar with. I had no experitese in teh area and it was unchara\tered waters for both Dh and I but we went into it knowing that we were standing by each other through it adn that was all we could hope for. And i've never had a regret, and not once looked back

CAMSMOM1 replied: Hey Sal~

I can totally relate to your wife's feelings. I was 21 when I got pregnant. DH & I had only been married for 6 months, and weren't planning to start a family so early. (even though we both wanted children, just didn't think it would come so quickly) I was hoping to spend some time being married & enjoying the alone time, finish up college, and I felt like I just starting to enjoy being an adult, and my freedom.

At first, it felt like I lost my freedom and my independance. I now had someone to think about, take care of, and do everything for....for the rest of my life. That's a scary thought when you're 20. Then the money issue comes into play, how things are going to change between DH & I. Not being able to hang out with my girl friends, and putting college on hold. I started getting really depressed. I remember having anxiety attacks too. I didnt understand why I was freaking out so much, after all, I love children. I work with children everyday, and always wanted to be a mother. But once it became a reality, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I don't know what changed, but by my 3rd month of being pg, the depression went away and I was really confident and excited. And I really enjoyed my pregnancy. Maybe it was my hormones...and trust me...those are lethal. Maybe it's because I'm came to terms with my NEW life, and I had the support I needed from my spouse, and my family.

It helped when I started getting the nursery ready, seeing the ultrasounds, being around other friends that were pregnant, feeling the baby kick. It was the best feeling I have ever had, and it only got better. I can honestly tell you, after my first trimester, I just looooooved being pregnant.

After I delivered though, I had post partum depression. (which is common) But I had a mental breakdown to put it nicely. I hadn't slept for 48 hours, breastfeeding was hard, ect. But again, things started to get back to normal. I had people help me out, I took some naps, saw a breastfeeding consultant, and felt confident again. Yes, there are ups and downs, but I really think your hormones play a big part in it. And having support from loved ones, and being able to express your feelings.

One thing that helped me when I was feeling down, was writing in a journal. I started it when I found out I was pg, and still write in it. It helps to get all of those feelings out, and also to chart your progress. I highly suggest it.

Now, our son is 22 months. And I'm going to be 24 years old. I can tell you with all honesty, that I LOVE being a mother. There has been nothing that can compare to the love I have for my child. Everyday I feel so blessed to have him. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, only that I have gained true love and joy.

She is very fortunate to have such a supporting husband. I can see how much you love her, and what a great father you will be. And I know that she will be a great mother. Your child is so fortunate to have parents that love each other this much, and support one another. You two will be fine. I have no doubts that this will be the best thing you've ever expereinced together. Hang in there. And if you, or she ever needs to talk, please...PM me.

Ann