picking teams at school

Momof2boys wrote: I have a concern. I am new to message boards but I need some feedback on a situation. My oldest son who is 11 has always been shy and reserved. My husband and I have spent enormous amounts of time trying to build his self-confidence. This year he entered a new school and is in 5th grade. He decided out of the blue to sign up for flag football. We were so happy! I went to the school to pick him up after the first meeting and ended up being early so I was able to stand in the hallway and observe. The coaches picked 4 boys (no girls were picked although they were there!) from last years team to be team leaders. These boys were then told to pick their teams. They of course picked all of their buddies and friends and were high fiving each other, meanwhile, my son was sitting in the chair not getting picked. Neither were the girls I might add. I watched my son as he watched all of the kids in their groups lauphing and having fun. I watched as he started looking at the floor. I also watched as he looked up from the floor, looked at the groups of kids around him, looked at me in the hallway, and slowly shook his head "no." He was the 3rd last picked. The girl next to him appeared to be crying. When the meeting ended I sent my son upstairs and after all the kids left I went off on the coaches. When I finally went to get my son all he said was that he wants out of flag football. Not only that, he has signed up for band and chorus. He wants out of both of them also. What do you all think about this practice in schools?

MommyToAshley replied: I can only imagine how hard it must have been to watch your son endure this. My DD is only 2, and I haven't experienced this with her, but I remember the same thing happening to kids when I went to school. There are alternatives to this way of picking teams... like counting off to 4. All the "1's" are on the same team, all the "2's" are on the same team, and so on. I am sure the coaches are aware of this, and I think you had every right to go off on them. If they don't care enough about all of the children's feelings (including the girls) then they shouldn't be coaches! I wouldn't drop the issue, I would go to the pricipal, school board, and so on... these practices need to change.

In the meantime, I would have a heart-to-heart with your son. I am not sure what to say, but I definately think he needs to have someone to talk to. Is flag football something that really interested him? If so, maybe you could sign him up for your community team until he rebuilds his confidence. (You'd have to pay for it though). Or, is there some other interest of his that you could encourage him to explore?

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I really sympathise with your son. Not only did this happend to me in grade school, it happend in junior high and then in high school. I thought things had changed, but I guess I was wrong. I know the pain all to well. I think what the coach did was intollerable. There should be another way to choose teams, the students should not have a say in it at all! I would take this up with some other parents and see what they have to say, talk to the principal about your concerns. I am very sorry that this happened to your son. Please tell him not to give up on his other activities.

momof2boys replied: Thanks for the response. I hope he continues with band and chorus. He has never been sports minded, so the idea that he wanted to do this was a little different for us. I believe he wanted to play because he thought it would be fun. I will very much follow up with the principle. I can remember this happening to me in school and watching it happen to my son was agony. I just wanted to reach in and pluck him out!! It is a practice that needs to be stopped and I believe I am on a mission!! Thanks for talking to me about it. I really like the input and I think I will be reading these message boards more often, they are a big help!

jcc64 replied: I'm so sorry your son had such a bad experience. I really felt his pain as I read your post. I have 2 boys that are and have always been very involved in organized sports. Dh runs both the little league baseball and flag football in our community. What happened to your son was inexcusable and unfortunate. It breaks my heart that he lost his enthusiasm based on the boorish behavior of the coach(es). When kids are permitted to pick teams here, they do so privately- away from the group so feelings are spared. The teams are simply announced in total after they have been selected.
I hope you'll encourage your son to stick with the other activities he's expressed an interest in. Maybe explain to him that adults make dumb decisions sometimes, and while it was a difficult experience, it shouldn't prevent him from trying other things in the future.

momof2girls replied: I agree with the other posts
I have a 9 yr old daughter that is chunky and she gets teased sometimes, and it breaks my heart.
I got her counselor involved last year to talk to her, I think hearing from other positive adults other than parents really helps.
Ive explained to her there are mean people in the world even some adults....

I am sooo sorry he has gone thru this!

amynicole21 replied: Oh man, that really breaks my heart. It was always one of my biggest fears for myself, and I've always wondered how I would handle it if/when my dd went through something like it. I think you are right in speaking with the coaches, and I agree that you might even need to go above them to the principal or board. Good luck, and give your son an extra hug from me.

Josie83 replied: That's awful, my daughter's not old enough for this to be a problem with her but I can understand how it would break your heart. I agree with Dee Dee, don't let this go - it could affect a lot of kids for a long time! I'm so sorry for you xx

gr33n3y3z replied: Katie went through this 2 years ago with basketball she was new to the sport and she signed up for it and she got more bench time with a few other little girls during a game than I ever seen. She just didnt understand why she said I make all the practices .... So one day I told her she didnt have to go any more and she looked at me and said no mom I will finnish this out but I will not sign up again for basketball. The following season the Rec. Dept. called and asked me why Katie didnt sign up Hmmmm that was a mistake told them all about it d:o)

kimberley replied: that is awful! i am glad you gave the coach a piece of your mind! that is absolutely inexcusable! i hope your son does have better luck with the chorus. maybe a chat with the principal is in order to enlighter him/her of this situation.

favre4fan replied: I hate that this has to happen. I was a teased child and I hated it!! All through grade school my self asteem was low. I have 2 boys and I try and explain to them about teasing and making fun of other people because they are different. For coaches to let this happen is ridiculous. You were right to tell the coaches exactly wht you think. My oldest is now in 7th grade but he started playing football in 3rd grade and he had a crappy coach that wouldn't put a couple of the boys whos skills weren't as good at the time in (including my son) some of the games at all. Week after week I would go to the games and my son sat on the bench the whole game. Well one game they put him in and he just stood on the field. ALll those weeks of just sitting out just took a toll on him he was so upset. My ex husband yelled at him to do something. I lost it, the game was over and I just tore loose on the coach and my ex in front of everyone. I told him It was Not the NFL its 3rd grade and this is how they learn by doing. You build up their confidence and skills by playing not sitting on the bench. He quit after that and had nothing to do with sports until he started playing basketball in 5th grade and finally football again this year. I had to try and explain to him that not all coaches were all about winning. thank goodness he built up his confidence again enough to want to play. I think defiantely standing up and letting them know exactly what you think shows the kind of care and love u have for your son. Too bad all parents don't stand up for these kind of things that is how u make a change and I hope that everything works out.

redchief replied: Yep... The whole situation sucks. I was one of the last picked in elementary school. It hurt a lot when I was a kid, but I know it would have been worse if anyone had intervened (sorry folks... but kids can be brutal to a "mommy's boy"). I hope the other children don't find out you lit into the coaches.

Here again we're talking about a distinct difference between males and females as perceived by the peer group. The boys know this.... which is probably why your son gave you the "no" shake. I wish the coaches would have used a more equitable and less esteem damaging method of setting the teams, but basically the same thing is going to occur all of their lives.

Like I said, in grade school, I was always the smallest and among the last picked. Heck, sometimes GIRLS got picked ahead of me. By high school I was no longer the smallest. I'd matured and grown and I got GOOD. So I was soon among the first picked. I don't know how to tell you any more but that I realized what I was strong at and I worked on the things I wasn't. I'm sure as I recall that I did have some self-esteem set-backs, but I got over it. I wound up a fire chief (in a 40 member fire department). I teach adults and children. I own a plumbing and heating business with my father. I have coached all of my children to some extent. I have not suffered irreversible harm.

On the other hand, my eldest son was a jock. My youngest son wasn't. My eldest son was athlete of the month in his high school when he was a freshman, captain of the soccer team as a senior. My youngest son was among the last to be picked. My eldest also among the last (very much mirroring me) as young children. My youngest son in in the national honor society, plays saxophone for the #1 ranked high school group 2 band in the northeast. They're both ok.

Does that make what those coaches do right? Absolutely NOT.
That's just so we all keep this in perspective.