step mom/mom fued - Grounding issues

absentnowpresentmom wrote: I am a mom who in the past has not always been there, my ex husband got custody of my son and has a woman who has been there since our breakup, whom he is now married to. I am working toward being there for my child, but everytime I do something "parental" the step mother tells me I am stepping on her toes. The latest thing we are arguing about is my son's latest grounding. She has taken away his phone privledges which include my daily conversations with him. I told her that I should be an exception because I am supposed to be a part of his life, and he wants to keep me included. He is 13 and has other people calling him and think that it is fair for him to be grounded from friends, but think she has no right to ground him from me. Am I wrong to think that my child is entitled to talk to me anytime he wishes, or should I save my fights for bigger battles. Hey, if I am totally wrong you can say that too.

Insanemomof3 replied: Well, in my opinion you should always be able to talk to him, no matter what. If he is grounded from the phone the ONLY person he should still talk to would be you. I have had similar problems with my ex's new wife.

gr33n3y3z replied:
I agree he should not loose contact with you at all.
Sorry to hear she is doing this to you
Keep us posted

A&A'smommy replied: Well I agree with the others he should be able to talk to you when he wishes!!

mckayleesmom replied: I think the step mother is wrong.

CantWait replied: You're definetly right on this issue. Being grounded from the phone, means friends, not parents.....I would take a stand on this issue. Your son should definetly be able to speak to you whenever he wants.

C&K*s Mommie replied: ITA with the other ladies. The step mother needs to step down, so that you can talk with your own son. What does your ex have to say about this, or is that relationship too rocky that you cannot fully communicate with him? Your son needs you and he always will. No matter how old he gets, or how long you have been absent for whatever reason. Being a teenager is tough, (IMO) and only gets tougher with each generation. But even if the step-mother is stubborn, and does not relent. You still can e-mail, or send cards/letters to him to let him know that you are there now more than ever. Hope this helps some.

holley79 replied: Dh's ex pulls this stuff on him also. She would ground him on the weekends he was to come over and not allow him to come over. Would ground him from the phone and DH would not be allowed to talk to him. I think she is totally in the wrong. Have you talked to your ex about this and what does he say. I'm sure he'll side with his wife to "keep the peace" but I think he also needs to make sure that you are able to talk to you son. Your making a great effort now and to you.

absentnowpresentmom replied: The grounding is over now, it was just for a weekend. My ex relequishes ALL parental controll over to her. I am trying to be consistent with her groundings, if he is grounded over there he is grounded over here. It just seems like the closer I get to my son the more she says, "I'm steppeing on her toes". I know I haven't been there through alot of his life, but I am changing that. I know I can't walk in and say, "here I am, I'm totally taking over as mom" I am letting my son lead me into his life. He has resently allowed me to participate in his school work, but then the stepmother says things like, "no homework is allowed at your house, that's MY thing". I try to save my fights, but I feel like I'm letting her walk all over me. When I disagree with her, she says something like, "why are you all of a sudden trying to play mommy?" or "you are just in one of your mommy modes" She has tried to ground him from me, I threatened to show up with cops to file a report and taking it to a judge so they could be charged with contempt. I was allowed to pick up my son with no problem after that.

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: Yikes. Sounds like a power control issue to me. She has been in control for quite a while and she doesn't like the idea of you stepping into your son's life. That having been said, she hasn't got the right to ground your son from you. Unless she has legally adopted him?

absentnowpresentmom replied: No she hasn't legally adopted him. I am legally and biologically his mother. when she told me she had grounded him, I said "Shouldn't I be an exception?" She told me that that would make it a "half grounding" Well, I said "it's too late now, I don't want my son to think that you don't have controll or power all I want is for you to agree not to ever do that again" I am trying to be resonable and take into account her feelings. She has been there for a lot of time when I wasn't. She was the one explaining to him why mommy didn't come this weekend. For the past 2 years I have been there consitently, and now she is sabotaging all of my efforts. When I make plans for us to do something, she grounds him from whatever I have plans to do. She swears that it is not malicious so I enforce her grounding and we don't do what is planned. She never sends him to me grounded from the phone, it's always the TV and going to movies, going to SCA events, or playing outside. If she has plans to take him to a movie and he misbehaves, she grounds him from something else, but if I have plans to take him to see a movie and he misbehaves he is grounded from TV and movies. I have tried talking to her, talking to his dad, and now I am at giving up point. I really think that his groundings will become null and void at my house. My consern though, is this the kind of inconsistancy that will hurt him? I have to put my son first, it frustrates me to have to give up activities we enjoy together because of her groundings, but is that worth the inconsitency my non-complience will be? Advice please.

Insanemomof3 replied:
IMO you should not have to worry about stepping on her toes. You are his mother. If he wants you in his life, then she is stepping on YOUR toes.

My2Beauties replied: What is it that he is being grounded for? I know that if I was at trouble at my dad's house when I was younger I wasn't at my mom's and vice versa. I understand where you are coming from in that you want consistency and you want to let him know that when he does do something wrong that there are punishments for it. Sounds like she grounds him an awful lot though, I mean I was maybe grounded twice - maybe three times - my entire life as a teen, so I'm wondering if she is just overly aggressive towards him or a control freak and wants him to do everything just right.

I am in no way badmouthing her at all because like you said she has been there for him when you were not and that takes a lot to step up to. My thing is though, that if you have been consistent for 2 years and you are not showing any signs of backing off or going back to the old days when you weren't there she needs to lighten up when it comes to you. She needs to allow him to talk to you on the phone, allow him to go to movies etc with you when he visits, because those are special bonding times.

I applaud you for getting whatever it was in your life straightened out and stepping up and trying to be there for your child! She shouldn't make this harder on you. As a step-mother I could never do that to the mother of my step-child no matter how bad the situation, all children deserve to get ot know their parents! I hope it gets better!

absentnowpresentmom replied: To answer the question of what he gets grounded for: He gets grounded for talking back, hitting his brother(not my child, theirs together), not doing chores, and not taking care of personal hygene issues. I tell her that though he should be old enough to remember to do these things, he obviously isn't. When I pick him up for my weekends I still have to remind him to bathe and brush his teeth and remind him to get his laundry done on Sunday. I have no other children, nor do I have plans to have anymore, so I don't have sibling issues at my house. He doesn't talk back to me as bad as he does to her, nor does he throw fits at me when I remind him of his responsibilities. He doesn't have chores at my house because he is not here all the time, but he takes out the trash for me when asked and helps me with laundry. I have only punished him here once, and that was because I made a quick trip to the store and told him he either had to go with me or stay inside until I got home, I drove up and saw him outside playing. I told him he couldn't go outside for the rest of our visit, then he said something like "When you punish me it makes me not want to come and see you, so if you want to see me you better not do that." I promptly took TV and video games away as well because he was trying to manipulate me. He hasn't tried that one again. I do think she expects too much out of him. He has told me a few times, "I can't do anything to please her so I don't try anymore.". I comunicated this and she then told me I was trying to get her to "Baby" him. I do want custody of my son back, but I know it probably won't happen because he has another family there, a brother who is 8 and a 3 year old sister. I don't want to ask him to choose because it really stresses him out to think about where he would rather live. So I just stay connected and do the mom thing as often as I get a chance. One of the things another mom told me that helps is that my job as a parent is to teach my child the love and need of God and if I do that all the rest falls into place. Well, right now this doesn't seem like enough. My son is very angry about something that he isn't talking about, I can see it in his eyes and behavior, and he is now going to counceling. I am fairly sure I am at the root of it, but I can't change the past, wish I could!

I just really needed to hear that I was right. I knew in my gut that I was, but how could I be a good judge of that after I was an absent parent for so long. I am grateful his step mom has been there for him through my absent time, but how do I get it through her head that I am his mother and deserve some respect and consideration as well. I don't deserve to made to feel guilty because I am using all of my visitation, including holidays. I don't deserve to be told about the "traditions" I am ruining for them by using my visitation. And my son shouldn't be made to feel guilty about spending a holiday with me because of said "traditions". Sorry folks, I'm ranting now. Thank you all for your great support.